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Guilt, regret, peace, forgiveness, hope

Yesterday marked a week since my old friend passed away.  In that seven days, I experienced a myriad of emotions that left me exhausted and extremely sad.  The first thing I felt was guilt/regret.  Guilt that I never reached out to mend those fences, regret that I would never get a chance to do so in this lifetime, face to face, physically.  I let the guilt and regret consume me for several days, including the day of her funeral in Indy.  I felt devastated that I would not get the chance to tell her to her face that I love her, forgive her, and hoped she felt the same.  Fear of rejection is a horrific thing to feel and we really need to learn to work through all of that.

I’ve been in recovery for more than a decade and while I’ve struggled every now and then, one thing I’ve always done is work the steps.  I live by those steps in all things I do.  And I forgot Step 9.  I forgot to work Step 9 and I feel guilt over that.  However, forgiving myself is something I must do; otherwise I will be miserable and it will eat me up for years to come.  Step 9 says “Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Whether that amend is positively received or not, the amend must be made to give myself inner peace and forgiveness.

I get this daily email with a reading in it, about recovery and my disease.  It gives me guidance and ideas on how to deal with whatever it is I’m feeling.  Yesterday’s seemed to be fitting since it had been a week since she passed:

June 16 Reflection for the Day
The Ninth Step of the Gamblers Anonymous Program is: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
To make restitution for the wrongs we’ve done can be extremely difficult,to say the least;if nothing else,it deflates our egos and batters our pride.Yet that in itself is a reward, and such restitution can bring still greater rewards. When we go to a person and say we’re sorry,the reaction is almost invariably positive. Courage is required,to be sure,but the results more than justify the action.

Have I done my best to make all the restitution possible?

Today I Pray
May I count on my Higher Power to stop me if I start to crawl out from under my Ninth Step responsibility.May I feel that blessed,liberating wash of relief that goes with saying,out loud,to someone I have harmed,”I was wrong.I made mistakes.I am honestly sorry.”May I not worry about cracking that brittle,cover-up crust of my ego,because the inside will be ?more mature.
Today I Will Remember
Restitution is blessed.
When I read this email yesterday, I immediately felt a sense of peace and forgiveness towards myself that I had not experience since before finding out she had died.  I’d like to think it was her “sign” to me that all was forgiven and all was okay with us.  I’m sad I’ll never get to see her smile again or physically give her a hug.  But I am at peace, knowing that I have made my amends to her now and that she will be watching over all of us, guiding us to better grammar and smarter choices.
Until we meet again, my old friend, RIP.

Misunderstandings and forgiveness

I was on a break from work yesterday when I opened up Facebook on my phone and got one of the biggest shocks of my life.  Someone I had once considered a great friend had passed away at the age of 40.  It was unexpected from what I’ve gathered.  Many years ago, we had a falling out.  We were both mean and it was ugly.  I remember the details, but I won’t go into them here.  I’m just going to say that I held a grudge for a few years.  Somewhere along the way, I forgave her for her part in it and hoped that she forgave me.  Over the last year or so, I would think about reaching out to her to mend fences and then I’d just chicken out.  I didn’t know how it would be received and I just didn’t want to face rejection, if that’s where it would end up.

It was a clusterfuck of misunderstandings that led to our fall out.  I don’t know exactly when that fall out started, but I know where it ended and it never sat well with me.  My feelings were hurt and I got angry.  My anger and resentments have always been fear or pain based.  And until I worked on that part of myself, I felt anger and resentment towards her.

At one point in time, we were as close as two people could be.  We had so much fun together.  We helped each other, we challenged each other to be better women.  She also flew all the way to Vegas to drive cross country with me when I moved here to Louisville.  How many friends do that?  She was a very large part of why I moved to this region.  She was just a few short hours away in Indy, so I knew we could spend weekends together whenever we wanted to or had time.

And now she’s gone.  I’ve talked to her, I’ve let her know I love her and forgive her and hoped that before she left this world, she forgave me for my part.

I am sad.  I am heartbroken for her husband, best friend and family.  She was so young and so full of life.  Rest in Peace, my old friend.  Until we see each other again.  xoxo

Never forget…

If you watch Game of Thrones, you’ll know who Tyrion Lannister is.  He says something in the first season that I just love and it has stuck with me since I read the book and watched the TV show.  He says “Never forget what you are.  The rest of the world will not.  Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.”

The entire scene between Tyrion and Jon Snow was amazing to me because there were two outcasts, sitting together.

The “meat” of the scene is here:

Tyrion: Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.
Jon: What the hell do you know about being a bastard?
Tyrion: All dwarfs are bastards in their father’s eyes.

I just love that.  ”Wear it like armor.”

What do you wear like armor?


Here are a few things I will never forget:

  • I am a compulsive gambler.  I cannot gamble normally.  I cannot try to win things on the radio, I cannot enter raffles or play the lottery.
  • I used to do dishonest and not so nice things to ensure I could keep gambling.
  • I was not a very moral person.
  • I am in recovery.  I am a better person today than I was 14 years ago when I was gambling.
  • I am courageous and brave.
  • I am a woman of integrity.
  • I am honest and forthcoming.
  • I have a great sense of humor.
  • I’m a hard worker and am very conscientious in my work.
  • I am growing and go through an evolution pretty often.
  • I like change.  It keeps me on my toes and keeps me active and aware of what’s going on around me.
  • I am a college student with hopes and dreams of my future.

I’ve had my past thrown in my face and used against me in order to hurt me.  And it worked.  Until I didn’t let it, until I started wearing it like armor.  No one can hurt me with that information unless I let them.  I refuse to let them anymore.  My past is exactly that, my past and I don’t live there anymore.  It helped mold and develop who I am today.  I’m grateful for my past, as it shows me where I don’t want to return or don’t want to repeat.

Until next time….

Protected: New Year – new me?

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Protected: Renewed!

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Hello there!

I’ve been meaning to post everyday and keep a “journal” of my workouts, but I keep forgetting. When I do remember, it’s days later and I have like 3 or 4 workouts that I don’t want to post all at once.

So I’ll just that I’ve been doing A LOT of rowing on the row machine. I love that thing. I’m working my way up to 5k meters. Once I hit that, I’ll work my way up 1k each week or two.

My feet still hurt almost every day. Some days are better than others. I have a certain level of stress that is only relieved when I work out, so I’m pushing myself and resting my feet when I need it. I can tell when I’ve over done it and then I take two days off from any exercise activity. It’s really quite irritating to not be able to do what I used to do in these workouts, but everyone has to re-start somewhere, right?

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Until next time…

Working my way up…

When I started going back to the gym 2 weeks ago, I made a decision to NOT throw myself into Crossfit the way I did before. I decided I would not workout 5 days a week and as hard as I could. I decided to workout when I felt like it – but I had to go at least 3 times a week. I’ve stuck to this schedule pretty well and with the start of the 3rd week, I decided to throw in something I haven’t done in over a year. The dreaded AMRAP workout. As many rounds as possible in a certain amount of time.

This is what I did today:
350m row to warm up
10 shoulder press #45 (my upper body strength completely disappeared so I’ll be working on that a lot)

15 minute AMRAP of

5 push ups (modified on knees)
10 sit ups
10 kettlebell swings (25#)

I did 7 rounds of this and feel pretty good about that, considering I had to go a little slower because of my foot not being in a good mood today. It averages to just a little over 2 minutes per round. Pretty solid work for my AMRAP.

Until next time…

Doing what the big kids do

So I challenged myself today to do one workout that was on the main Crossfit website (crossfit.com). I went through the website and I settled on the WOD from yesterday, Thursday the 17th.

10 rounds of:
1 minute of rowing
rest 15 seconds
30 seconds of shoulder press
rest 15 seconds
total meters and total reps of the presses is your score.

I got to the Ville at around 2:20 after taking some vacation time at work. I changed into my workout clothes, did some stretching, set up my little piece of paper to write down my meters and reps and then set the stop watch on my iPhone. After setting my bar (45#) on the rack so I could easily shoulder press it, I hit start on the stop watch and off I went.

Round 1 – 200/14
Round 2 – 195/12
Round 3 – 190/9
Round 4 – 203/10
Round 5 – 199/7
Round 6 – 194/7
Round 7 – 190/7
Round 8 – 193/8
Round 9 – 196/7
Round 10- 188/7

total meters rowed – 1948
total shoulder press – 88
Time to complete – 24:22

My shoulders already hurt and my legs feel like jelly. There is one good thing about the rowing machine, it makes my foot feel fantastic. I’m wondering if my foot responds so well to that because it’s working out the scar tissue at the incision point. I don’t know.

I struggled with the shoulder presses, as you can see from my numbers. I think I also rested more than 15 seconds between eat exercise station. I’m okay with that. I completed a big kid workout!!! YAY me!!

Time for two days of rest, since it’s the weekend and the gym is not open during times that work for me.

Until next time…

Getting back to a routine

For the last year, I’ve used my foot surgery and a few other things going on in my life as excuses to stay away from the gym (in the firehouse or the Crossfit box I belong to) and I’m done with that.

Today, I used the gym in the firehouse so I’d have a little motivation from people I know.

One of the Captains was doing:

5 rounds of:
250m row
20 double under (jump ropes)
20 kettlebell swings (75#)
How long it took him to do one round – he would rest that same amount of time. This means, if it took him 3 minutes to do the first round, then he rested 3 minutes before starting the 2nd, etc.

So I decided to do something similar and this is what I did:
3 rounds of:
250m row
20 box step ups
20 db swings (25#)
It took me a total of 16:36 to complete, including the resting times. It kicked my ass pretty well.

I’m on a new maintenance medication for the asthma and today was my first dosage of that. I have to say, my lungs have not felt this clear in a very long time, even when I was a nonsmoker for about 5 weeks! I’m still going to try the quitting smoking thing. While I realized I don’t really want to quit smoking, I do know that I will be better off as a nonsmoker, health wise.

I’m glad to be getting back into a routine of sorts with my workouts and I am beginning to enjoy the feeling of the workouts again.

Until next time…

April 15 – well that didn’t take long!

When I worked out regularly over a year ago, extremely cardio heavy workouts would make me feel pukey. And sometimes, I’d give in to that feeling, let myself vomit, (after running to the restroom of course – puking on a gym floor is unacceptable LOL) and then go back to finishing the workout.

After work, I made my way to the gym and looked to see what the WOD was for today. Here is what was on the board:

500m row
15 deadlifts (185/125)
25 ring dips
35 air squats
3 rounds

Needless to say, I can’t do 125# deadlift, so I adjusted the weight on that to 65#. Then, I realized I can’t do ring dips. One of the coaches helped me with a band on the rings and I couldn’t stabilize myself, so she moved me over to the bar they use for that stuff.

She also told me to lower the amount per round, as it’s a very cardio intensive workout. And this is what I ended up doing:

500m row
15 deadlift (65#)
15 bar dips
25 squats
2.5 rounds

I say 2.5 rounds because during the rowing of the 3rd round, I felt pukey but pushed through to the bar dips. During the bar dips, I almost lost it so we know what happened after that! When I came back out to finish the workout, my right foot cramped up to the point I could hardly move it for a few minutes. I knew then that I was done for the day.

I love being back in the gym. Even though I’m not going every single day like I was, it feels good to be going every other day or so. Wednesday is a rest day for me and I’ll be back in the gym on Thursday.

Until next time…