The Soda Stand

I was watching the news this morning (actually more like listening while getting ready for work) and they were mentioning rain and what not for the next several days.  They even mentioned we may have thunderstorms this Thursday. 

I read on msnbc dot com that they had a tornado in Oklahoma.  Nice.  Last time I looked, those were the storms coming this way.  So we go from one extreme to the other?  We are just now coming out of our cold snap and going into warmer, spring like weather.  And of course, along with spring like weather here in the Midwest/South, we get severe stuff like tornados and severe thunderstorms.   Just one more thing to look out for and be mindful of!

I was listening to my iPod today at work, as I do everyday, and the song All Fired Up by Pat Benatar came on.  I have always loved the song as it is and something about the lyrics just caught my attention today.  “I believe there comes a time that everything just falls in line.  We live and learn from our mistakes, the deepest cuts are healed by faith”

We all know I’ve been going through my own kind of funk.  I’ve been resentful and full of pain and anguish, which I’ve rarely, if ever, spoken outloud.  It’s all on paper and my mom and BFF T hear most of it.   I’ve isolated myself and I’ve painted on this face for the outside world that everything is fine.  Very few people push through that mask and get to the depths of what I’m going through.  I’m thankful for those who do it, even if it gets me feeling defensive and we argue.  At least they continue pushing me until I say something, because most people who know me well know that as soon as I say something out loud, I tend to deal with it in different ways until I find one that works for me.

I’ve always been extremely self aware of my own behavior, which also makes me aware of others behavior.  I’m a realist.  I know how people are and how judgmental they really are, even when they try not to be.  We all judge others.  It happens.  It’s human nature to look at someone else’s behavior and make assumptions. 

I spoke to my Vegas sponsor, SLS,  last night for the first time in months.   MONTHS.  We’ve both been busy with life and going through our own funks.  We were discussing GA and the way I feel about it and how often (or not) I go to meetings.  She said she understands where I’m coming from and maybe I feel this way because gambling is not my core problem.   I almost fell over out of my chair when she said that because it’s pretty much the conclusion I had come too a few days ago in my journaling.

My core problem is from growing up the child of an alcoholic.  I am the adult child of an alcoholic.  I can not hide it and I can not run from it.  It defined who I was growing up, into early adulthood and it still helps define who I am today because I have not dealt with it 100% like I did the gambling addiction.  Gambling is just a symptom of my thinking and living.  Gambling was an outlet for me that became my own addiction.  I stopped getting useful things from GA long ago and I just kept going because it’s all I knew.  When I stopped going, I started going into this funk.

This funk tells me there is a core issue that I have yet to deal with or have not dealt with fully and completely.  It’s time.  It’s time to face this issue and move forward with my life.   I’ve started looking for the support groups I need and I will start going.   Amazingly, when I do this search, I find hundreds of meetings per week.  Al-Anon will provide insight into ME and MY behavior that was learned and expounded on by the alcoholic in my life.

Cross your fingers for me!

Until next time…

I have a dysfunctional relationship with an old friend of mine.  He visits me often, but his visits are short and usually don’t last longer than a few hours.  However, last night, his visit lasted from 10pm until I got up at 4:30 for work.

Insomnia.  Insomnia reared his ugly head in a very bad way.  I turned everything off at 9:30 or 10 and was still awake at midnight, tossing and turning.  I fell asleep somewhere between 12:30 and 1 and woke up several times throughout the brief amount of sleep that I did get.  I tried kicking him out of my bed several times, but it seems insomnia wanted nothing to do with that and wanted to keep me company all night long.

Today was payroll Monday.  I was freaking out this morning as I was stumbling around getting ready for work.  I could hardly open my eyes or think straight I was so tired.  As a matter of fact, I am even more tired now than I was when I got up this morning.  It will be a very early evening for me after I check my discussion boards for school.

Payroll went very well and we had it done by 12:45 p.m. (which is about 2 hours earlier than the average used to be).  I say “used to be” because when I first started this job, we were doing payroll well into the afternoon and it was 4pm sometimes later when we’d finally get it done.  The last several months, we’ve had it done no later than 1pm and it’s due at 2pm.  Anytime we get it done before the due time is a good thing if you ask me.

I’m going to go vegetate on the couch and do nothing.

Until next time…

I had quite the productive weekend and I’m not done yet!  In bullet style, this is what I did:

• I did three loads of laundry (still need to put it all away lol)
• I started cleaning the living room (more than just picking things up, etc)
• Cooked myself some home made tacos for the first time ever (they came out quite tasty!)
• My math homework that consisted of 20 math problems dealing with Venn (?) diagrams and sets and subsets.  Yeah.  It was like Greek to me.
• Did my discussion board posts for the weekend (just need to post on both two more times before Tuesday at midnight)
• Did the math seminar option 2 (watch the seminar and then take a quiz on it)
• Took a butt load of trash out that I had collected during my cleaning frenzy on Saturday.

I still have much to do around the apartment to get it to where I’d like it.  I really let it go to shit and it’s time I take care of it.  Supervisor at work and I were talking last week during one of our “getting along really well” moments and she mentioned that since her husband died, she had not really done a good cleaning of her house.  I got to thinking and I realized that I had not done that for several months myself and committed to myself to do it.

I will do a little bit each night after work, picking one area at a time to take care of.  I have so much shit piled up everywhere, I’m sure I’ll be working on it for weeks.  While part of me would love to beat myself up over it, instead, I am choosing to just fixing it instead of berating myself for letting it get this bad.  I’m tired of flogging myself when I regress or make stupid decisions.  What’s the use?  I certainly can’t change the past, so I might as well just look forward and do something about it.

And now, I’m going back to playing WoW, because I can and I’m not looking forward to payroll tomorrow.  Pfft.  Hate it.

Until next time…

What a difference a day, some journaling and venting on this blog does for me.  All that anger I felt last night has dissipated and I’m just writing it all off.  Doesn’t really matter anyway, right?  In the big scheme of things, those two situations will not kill me or determine how I live my life.

Friday is always a very slow day at work.  The day drags ass and it doesn’t help my head is/was pounding like there is no tomorrow.  My eyes are “tired” and “heavy” feeling, which the doctor (yes I called) said are the side effects of the drops and it should be relieved by tomorrow.  She said it takes about 5 days of the drops for the side effects to go away.  I hope she’s right!  My eyes being this strained really makes my head hurt, which makes me crankier than I normally am.  My poor co-workers have been so awesome though. 

I have no plans for this weekend.  I’m sure I’ll do some laundry and cleaning up after myself, but my apartment does still need a “deep” spring cleaning.  Since it’s going to be close to 55 this weekend (almost spring!), maybe it would be a good time to get it done.  This way, when spring actually does come around, I can enjoy the outdoors instead of keeping myself isolated and locked indoors?  Hmmm something to think about!

I do know I’m going to call KP this weekend.  While I’ve talked to T on an almost daily basis, KP and I are so much alike, we think of calling and then just put it off and put it off.  I miss him.  I’m going to call him and harrass him.  

I also have tons of schoolwork to do this weekend.  I have to answer five questions about my chosen “problem statement” for my final project in the writing class and then I have some math stuff to pound my head against the wall for.

TGIFF!

Until next time…

Here’s the deal.  I am many things, but I am never insincere.   I am fucked up in the head, I am depressed, I am funny sometimes and I have a good personality once you get to know me.  I have never been accused of being insincere.  Passive aggressive in nature, a peacemaker, bitchy, honest, blunt, yes.  Insincere?  Never been accused.

Here’s my question:  Why, after months of not speaking to me and when they did (they = GA member who shall remain unidentified) it was in an insincere bullshit email about something I have nothing to do with anymore?

Is this cryptic?  Well I’m keeping it cryptic because someone who reads this blog referred a few of my GA friends in the local area to this blog.  They didn’t know about this blog.  They didn’t NEED to know about this blog.  The people who need to know about this blog, know about it.  The people I don’t MIND knowing about this blog, know about it.  I’ll do my own handing out of my URL, thanks.   If I didn’t give someone the URL or the name of this place, that means I didn’t want them to fucking know about it.

And now, I’m receiving emails from people who never liked me in GA to begin with, yet suddenly emailing me and asking me about shit I post on this blog.   When I google my name, you do not find this blog anymore.  When I google my name, I don’t even find myself on Facebook, so that tells me someone who reads this blog gave the URL out.

I responded in kind to this email I got tonight, insincerely and it makes me sick to my stomach.  I didn’t like socializing with this person when I was attending meetings, why would I want to now?

However, the peacemaker side of me is telling me to relax and maybe they were just concerned, one GA member to another.  This calms me down quite a bit.  I disappeared off the face of the earth as far as they are concerned and they think I’ve been gambling.  It’s okay they think that.  I would think that of another member had I not seen them since before Christmas at meetings.  While my behavior has not been the healthiest, the one thing I have not done nor have I wanted to do is gamble.  I learned along time ago that I don’t want to revert all the way back to how I was and that I didn’t have to gamble for any reason unless I chose too.  So I’m still choosing not to gamble and I’m still choosing not to go to meetings, until tomorrow or Monday (per my schedule, which I’m going to try to stick to!)

So after fussing on Twitter on on this blog, I feel much better now and I’m just going to leave it at the fact it was a GA member checking up on another he has not seen for awhile, instead of automatically thinking negative.  And for the other subject of this post?  I’m not even going to address it further.  I don’t know who did it and I really don’t WANT to know who gave out the URL of this blog, because I’m not going to censor myself just because GA people are reading this.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Until next time…

I am so whiny today!  OMG!  I feel like I’m falling apart.  My eyes are going in between being dry (they don’t hurt anymore – thank goodness!) and being goopy.  I’m congested and I keep blowing my nose.  I woke up with a pretty horrendous headache (not a migraine at this point) AND to top all of this off, my IBS decides to act up while I’m in the middle of doing stuff at work.  Holy smokes! 

Can I have a do over, please?  Kthxbai

And beyond all that whiny bullshit, I’m feeling good mentally.  I’m moving in the right direction and that’s all anyone can ask for at this point, right?  I’ve had depression for years and I go through these funks.  It happens, I’m aware of it and I work my way out of it.  I allow myself to feel whatever I feel and then move forward one step at a time.  Sometimes, half a step at a time.   I don’t put huge expectations on myself during these funks because I know I would end up disappointing myself.  I let myself go through it naturally and with the help of meds and sometimes therapy.

I don’t have much more to report besides the fact week #2 of this new term starts today and I’m just loathing the math class already.  Seriously.  I hate it.  I know I need to get through it though so I can #1 – get my degree without having to retake the course and #2 – get my reimbursement from the city.  It’s painful and agonizing.  And I know, without a doubt, you will be tired of me bitching about it by the end of week #10 because *I* am already tired of me bitching about it and it’s only week 2.

Tonight is school night for me, so I’ll be reading for school and attending my writing class seminar at 8pm.  I’m really going to try to stick to that schedule I prodcued yesterday.  I just need to get a handle on my time management and what not.  I know I can do it, I just have to find the motivation to actually make it happen!

Until next time…

When a person works on a schedule, or tries too, motivation is key in getting this done.  I’ve been in school for several terms now and I still can’t seem to nail down a schedule that works for me.  Laziness?  Lack of motivation?  Lack of wanting to create said schedule?  All three are possibilities when it comes to me and my need to make a schedule.

I can’t say that I have a schedule currently.  It’s very haphazard and it depends on the day of the week.  I have seminar on Wednesday night for my writing class and then I can listen to the seminar for math class any day of the week.  Wednesdays are a no brainer for me to be immersed in school work and the like.

Sundays I usually reserve for my house work, laundry and any school work I have not finished during the week.  However, the rest of the week is spontaneously done after I get off work.

Ideally, this is what I want my schedule to look like:

It’s a “living” thing so it will change and evolve along with however the weeks are going, etc.

Monday –

• Work 8am to 4pm (or 6am to 4pm depending on which Monday it is)
• Eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm
• Check school website for new discussion board stuff
• Check to make sure all assignments and quizzes have been done and turned in
• Go to a GA meeting at 7:00 (leaving the house at 6:30)
• Get home around 9pm, watch 24 and then go to bed.

Tuesday –

• Work 8am to 4pm
• Eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm
• Check to make sure all school work is done (it’s due at midnight)
• Play some WoW and/or fiddle around on FB & Twitter (or both if I have time)
• Bed by 10pm

Wednesday –

• Work 8am to 4pm
• Eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm
• Log into school website and print up any new assignments and/or readings
• Do a little reading before seminar
• Seminar for writing class 8pm – 9pm
• (when not in school – go to GA meeting at 7pm and home by 9pm)
• Check FB/Twitter if up to it
• Sleep by 10pm

Thursday –

• Work 8am to 4pm
• Eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm
• Listen to math seminar 6pm to 7pm
• Do math homework and/or readings until 8pm
• Watch a little TV/computer/internet if feeling up to it unless homework takes me beyond 8pm
• Bed by 10pm

Friday –

• Work 8am to 4pm
• Eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm
• Play WoW/check FB/Twitter, etc
• Go to GA meeting at 7:30 (leaving house at 7:20)
• Home by 9:30, do whatever

Saturday (that I do not work)

• Sleep in
• Start laundry
• Grocery shopping
• Watch TV, movies or whatever
• Check school website for work, discussion threads, etc.

Saturday (that I do work)

• Sleep as late as possible
• Work 10am to 4pm
• Start laundry after work
• Check school website for discussion items
• Work on school work if not finished prior.

Sunday

• Sleep in
• Church at 11am (once I find a church to go too)
• Start/finish laundry not done already
• Clean up living room, make bed, clean bathroom, etc
• Finish homework if not already done
• Whatever
• Bed by 9:30 for work the next day (8:30 if a payroll week)

I am 100% certain this schedule will take some time for me to get into.  It takes awhile to build up habits and I let myself get out of several of these habits (GA meetings, church, etc) and I’m looking to get back to that.  I felt so much better when I was going to both meetings and church on a regular basis.

We are starting some OT at the auto shop this week and so this schedule will be molded to each week and how it’s looking for me.  My school work may take up more time as well, since I am struggling already in my math class and need to spend some extra time on it.

Until next time…

My favorite words spoken Friday night at the annual awards banquet:

Sounds like you’re planning something.  You girls don’t act this way at the firehouse!  I can’t wait to go tell the guys about you.

Words spoken by one of the captains we work with there at headquarters.  Co-Worker P and I were pretty giggly while in line at the buffet table.  I kept telling her to get potatoes and bread cause she was getting pretty tipsy.

Thursday night when I colored my hair, I got it into my eyes when I was rinsing my hair.  Let me tell you what kind of problems this caused for me during the weekend.  Friday at work, my eyes felt horrible.  They were burning and felt super dry and heavy.  Friday night at the banquet, my eyes started burning and watering so bad I looked like I had been crying.  Saturday, I couldn’t work my 2nd job because I couldn’t see so I ended up closing the office and coming home to sleep for a few hours with a cool wet compress over my eyes.  It also gave me a headache and had me blowing my nose every two seconds because when my eyes started watering, so did the nose!  Blech.

My eyes today feel much better.  They are still drier than normal and kind of burning at times, but nothing like it was.  I may call the doctor today to see if she wants to look at them, just in case.  I mean, that shit can cause major damage!  I’m hoping I never do that again!  Must be careful when rinsing color out of your hair!

And now, I’m off to work on this Monday that begins March, 2010.  March!  Can  you believe it?  Time is flying!

Until next time…

I stopped at Walmart on my way home last night.  I need some hair color, printer ink and a wrist brace for my left wrist (it’s been hurting all week).  As I was looking for the printer ink, I decided to get a wireless mouse for the laptop and the desktop.  I also got myself a 20″ HP widescreen monitor.  HOLY CRAP!  I love this thing!  I had been dealing with a 15 or 17″ monitor and did not know what I was missing!  I got a great price on it and I’m really looking forward to doing my homework on it when we are working in Excel or PowerPoint cause it rawks!  Oh and let’s not forget playing WoW on that big of a monitor.  Holy smokes!

After hooking up the monitor, I made spaghetti for dinner and then did some reading for school.  I’m not so confused in this writing class because I just had College Comp I in the last term, so having CC II isn’t all that confusing.  The math stuff?  Yeah this is where I get stuck.  I’ve read the chapter I’m supposed to read and my comprehension levels went down the shitter.  I’m going to read it again and then reach out to a few math whizzes I know of who have offered to help me.  I don’t know why my brain shuts off when it comes to math like this.  Give me accounting math and I’m golden.  I can do payroll with my eyes shut, but give me shit like this math class and my brain falls outta my head.

Tonight after work, I have to rush home and get ready for the annual awards banquet that starts at 6pm.  I should be able to do it since I usually get home by 4:30 anyway.  I also ended up ordering a new cell phone because mine has just started to get old and decrepit and the battery keeps falling off.  Sprint has told me I need a new one, but the problems I’m having are not covered under the insurance.  Pfft.  Whatev.  They just want my money.  However, since I text like a fiend, I know I need to spend the money now while I can afford it.  Otherwise I’ll be duct taping this thing together, ya know?  And that would just be klassy.

I work at the apartment office tomorrow and then after that, I’ll be taking my laptop and textbook over to Panera to sit and do some of my homework.  I’ve already budgeted in the dinner/food I get while I’m there.  If I get bored or restless there, I’ll head to Starbucks just a few doors down.  Home is far too distracting for me to do math homework there.  And since my comprehension levels with math are pretty null, I need all the peace and lack of distractions I can get.

Hope ya’ll have a great day!

Until next time…

I’m only slightly intimidated by my writing class this term.  Slightly being the key word in that sentence.  During the next 9 weeks, I will be working on a final project that will culminate with 2000 words and be persuasive and researched well.  YAY me!  Welcome to college, Sodapop!  Pfft.

There are alternate assignments that I will be doing for the math class this term.  I won’t be able to make any of the seminars, unless I happen to have that day off work or something, so I’ll be watching the archived seminars and taking a quiz each week to get those participation points.  I’m still very intimidated by this class.  They assume I know what a lot of these things mean and I don’t.  I don’t even know what a mnemonic is?  WTH have I gotten myself into.  Ah well, I’m going to Google the shit out of a lot of stuff in this class.  That is for damn sure!

I’ve been slowly taking things off of my plate because of the stress levels I experience when I over-commit or put too much stuff on my agenda.  For awhile there, I was working two jobs, full time college, Avon, blogging for money and then squeezing in some play time for me.   I’ve given up the blogging for money and Avon.  The other things, I’m trying to find a healthy balance. 

It’s not working real well, that’s for sure.  But I keep trying and I keep picking my ass up off the ground when I get knocked down.

I think about my depression and my attitude towards life and I realize I have a pretty healthy outlook for someone who is depressed and sad most of the time.  I have confidence in myself that I will get better and I will do well in school.  I have confidence that I am moving in the right direction that works for me and I’m proud of myself for all that I have made it through.

In the last two and a half years, I have endured quite a few trials and tribulations and I’ve always picked myself back up again.  Yeah, I’ve changed in the process and I’ve become a slightly different person, but my values and morals have not waivered nor changed.

I know who I am, where I’m going and I know I just need a little help getting there.  I just need a little help to get me out of these funks I put myself in when I let the depression engulf me and consume my life. 

Love, encouragment and compassion from family and friends help so much when I’m deep in the funk and darkness of my depression.  Feeling validated in my emotions (knowing I have a right to feel whatever I feel – it just depends on what I do with those feelings) helps me through each day.

I have the right to feel whatever I need/want to feel and think.  It’s what I do with it that matters.  When I start feeling angry and restless, I breathe deeply and get myself back on track.  It’s difficult to do sometimes and I know that my current meds are the only reason I have been functioning at all.  I just need that little push to jump start myself and I’m golden.

Moving in this direction, seeing the changes that I’ve endured and the changes I’ve made and brought on myself, help me realize how wonderful my life really is.  Now if I can keep this positive train of thought going every day, I’ll make it to where I’m supposed to be!

Until next time…