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Archive for February, 2006

Some questions.

I was not tagged…but I read this on 3 different blogs I normally read. I am NOT tagging anyone…but if you feel the need to respond in my comments – go right ahead!!! 😀

Five Questions (then why are there more?)

1. What were you doing ten years ago? 2 years into my career and living with a boyfriend – who hated the fact I worked where I worked and accused me of sleeping with all the cops I work with….

2. What were you doing one year ago? hmmm living w/a roommate and her 3 sons; searching for some sanity and happiness at work

3. Five Snacks I enjoy:
peanuts
chocolate
cheetohs
bananas
kipper snacks

4. Five Songs to Which I Know All the lyrics:
Unwell – Matchbox 20
Breathe – Faith Hill
I’m Movin On – Rascal Flatts
Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park
American Soldier – Toby Keith

5. Five Things I’d Do if I Were a Millionaire
Pay off my house, car, bills and those of my friends and family
Buy a beach house in Hawaii
Buy a beach house in Southern CA – most likely San Clemente or Newport Beach – or both – depends on how rich I am haha
Donate to the breast cancer society
Donate to recovery rehab centers helping compulsive gamblers and other addicts

6. Five Bad Habits
smoking
cussing
procrastination
isolation
eating unhealthy

7. Five Things I like Doing
travelling
blogging
reading
watching tv
sex
(These were not necessarily in the order of priority)

8. Five things I would never wear
stilletos
boston red sox jersey
boston red sox hat
OK – boston red sox anything 😛
NE Patriots jersey

9. Five Favorite Toys
my car
my cell phone
my computer
my digital camera
silver bullet

What element are you?


Your Element is Water


Your power colors: blue and aqua

Your energy: deep

Your season: winter

Like the ocean, you evoke deep feelings and passion.
You have an emotional, sensitive, and spiritual soul.
A bit mysterious, you tend to be quiet when you are working out a problem.
You need your alone time, so that you can think and dream.

Tuesday’s viewpoint

I have quite a bit to say tonight…..I’m PMS’n and I’m feeling very opinionated. Normally, I just do commentary of frivolous type stuff…but tonight…I’m going to keep my commentary on a personal level and talk about me.

3T’s blog and watching the latest Grey’s Anatomy episode has inspired me to talk about my past and how I’ve changed who I am because of it…..maybe it will be a “purging” for me and I’ll be able to truly, fully, and finally, once and for all leave it where it belongs. In the past.

The Grey’s Anatomy episode kinda focused on how Mereditch fucked up her relationship with George. They had sex. In the middle of having sex – Meredith freaked out cause she realized she did not want to be there with him. It hurt his feelings and it upset him. I was happy to see him stand up for himself when it comes to Meredith.

One of the guys on the show told her that “it’s what you do. get over it.” When she gets sad and depressed – she goes out and gets drunk and then has sex with inappropriate men. Similar to things I’ve done in my past.

I found myself in several patterns. The first pattern is…I would start dating someone….then we’d have sex within a short period of time (I always told myself and my friends that it’s just cause I have a healthy sexual appetite – which I do – don’t get me wrong! haha) …then it wouldn’t work out for whatever reason and then I’d go out and find some other guy just to have sex with (you know – one night stand type thing to get over the hurt feelings) and then that pattern would evolve and continue going on.

The second pattern was where I would do the above – but each guy I chose to do this with was married or in a committed relationship.

Each time I got my feelings hurt or I was depressed over a break up/something not working out, etc I would go find the next dysfunctional, unhappily married man.

So I saw (at the time) nothing wrong with these patterns. I would justify it by saying that it was OK to have sex with whoever I wanted (on the 1st pattern) and I would justify the 2nd pattern as saying I never made the first move. I did not chase them – they chased me…it was always their doing – not mine.

I continued these patterns up until I joined GA 4 1/2 years ago….And then about 2 years into the program I developed a crush on someone in the program. We had a lot in common, we were very compatible and we were great friends….But guess what? he was in a long term committed relationship – then he married her. So here I was – 2 years into recovery walking down this path of self destruction AGAIN…over what you ask? Why the thrill of the chase, of course. The lack of commitment (I’m a bit of a commitment phobe) was exciting. I didn’t have to worry about that one guy (whichever guy I was crushing on at the time) questioning what I was doing…because really…who was he to question me? So after my crush in GA ended – along with our friendship – I went directly into another dysfunctional unhealthy affair with another married man. That one lasted from June until September. Never once throughout all of these situations did I take responsibility. Nor did I think of what this could do to spouse/partner of the men I was doing this with.

At the end of September, I realized something that had been staring me in the face for years and years. I deserved better than that. I deserved to have an emotionally (as well as physically) available man in my life. I deserved to be happy. Something kept me from letting myself find happiness in my relationships with men. Something that I’ve worked through in a mini 4th step (for those non 12 steppers here – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). I wrote down every relationship I had ever had that ended in some kind of sexual contact.

The first pattern did not appear until shortly after high school and I found myself dating a guy I was working with at the record store. We dated for a little over a year and then his best friend said something that was untrue about me and of course, he chose his best friend. I walked away and the pattern started.

The pattern of the married man did not appear until 1997 when I broke up with a long term boyfriend (we had been together about 5 years total). Once that relationship ended, I started into this pattern with the married man thing. At least this way my heart wouldn’t get broken. But guess what? I did get my heart broken and I realized what I was doing. Yet again. It wasn’t really enough to stop me though. I like sex. So what. I like to be with men, so what? These were ways I would justify it……

So what I learned was what my responsibility and accountability in all of those situations were. I took account for each time I would open that door for that one married/taken guy to make a move. I would open up that possibility for them to “chase” me. They never would have chased me and they never would have “gotten” me if I had not let them. The problems in their relationships were not my problem and I used that as a justification as well. The problems existed long before I did – so why should I let that stop him from making himself happy? hahaha

I laugh at my thought processes and I thank God everyday that he gave me the strength and courage to walk away from that last situation in September. And to walk away from the old me. I am not the same person and I believe that anyone can change the way they live their life – as long as they want to and they know they deserve it. I worked that “mini” 4th step in October and shared it with my best friend – who is not in GA with me.

I did learn something new about me recently (thanks to the Marine) I put up some serious block walls in the process of all of the above. Each time I’d get into that situation – even tho I went into it thinking I wouldn’t get hurt – I walked away with a little piece of me damaged. A little piece of me bruised.

So I built some walls. Some pretty big walls. I knew there were one or two walls built – but I didn’t realize how big they were….Until the Marine started knocking down those walls. The first few walls were shattered within the first few days. The rest he has been hammering away at. On our first date he called it out and called me on my shit. He mentioned the walls and I tried to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about. Yeah, he knew I was lying hahaha

So here I sit – an hour after starting this post and thinking to myself….I’m opening myself up to pain if I post this. I’m opening myself up like I rarely, if ever, do. But in the process of this life I live in recovery – I believe it will help me heal.

If you made it this far – thanks for reading…. Until next time…. 😎

Mondays are supposed to be manic. Aren’t they?

Usually Mondays are quite manic like. Usually hit the ground running and don’t slow down until about 3pm (with less than one hour left on my shift)….amazingly…I got to work this morning at 630am and there was a bit of paperwork. I went through it – distributed what needed to be done and left some for the boss to sign….I may have jinxed myself for the rest of the week – but I can say that my Monday was not too bad. It was a very good day at work today.

I did NOT stay awake to watch Grey’s Anatomy and I never did watch the bonus features on the 1st season DVD. That’s OK – I’ll get to it. Not like it’s going anywhere (that means – no lending it out to my friends until after I watch the bonus features!)

I did not even watch Charmed last night…the Marine tried to get me to watch some Nick at Night thing that he watches with his son…I think it was named Zoe or something like that. Didn’t get into it…Probably cause we were on the phone while it was on – so I was a little distracted. 😀

I’ve been thinking about the Music workshop for next year’s mini convention (OK – get used to it ….I usually pick my songs for the next year within a month of the convention)… And I’m thinking of handing off the reins of that workshop to someone else in the program. She’s just as much into music as I am and it might be a nice change to see someone else up there doing it in their own way – with their own style. I think she would do the workshop justice – she’s smart, she’s taken this recovery thing very seriously and wants to help people. I believe she would do phenomanly(sp) well with it. I have some thinking to do. I was talking to a member from North Carolina who has 20+ years and he asked about my presentation and I told him the only reason I keep doing it is because people in program ask me too. And he said to me “If they keep demanding it, keep doing it. It works. Your presentation is good and you help people relate to music in a different way.” Did I tell you guys they recorded me? They hooked me up to a digital recorder with a mic and recorded my workshop. Can’t wait to get a copy of that!

Has this ever happened to you? In an attempt to make yourself feel better by going off on someone for something they did, you upset another friend? In my attempt to get someone to back off of me and to make myself feel better for going off on her – I upset someone in the process because this could effect their working relationship. I’ve apologized and I still feel really badly about it. 😳 I guess I’ll get over it in time, don’t know what else to do about it really…so I’ll have to get over it.

I called someone today who put in a transfer request for where I work – to work in the front office. She was the only one who did put in for it. There is not a current vacancy – but a projected one and we spoke for about 20 minutes. It was a good conversation, I got a great “vibe” from her. She seems very smart and I think she will learn quickly.

Saw this on KVBC.com today:

The couple accused of killing a little girl and dumping her in a Las Vegas dumpster will be in court this week. The girl known for six weeks as Jane Cordova Doe has been identified as Crystal Figueroa.

Crystal’s mother, Gladys Perez, was arrested at her mother’s home in California; she is scheduled to be in court Tuesday for her extradition hearing. If she doesn’t fight extradition, she’ll be sent back to Las Vegas.

Perez’s boyfriend, Marc Anthony Colon, is in custody in Minnesota where he was arrested for a parole violation. In the coming days, he’ll also have an extradition hearing.

I hope that justice finds them – whatever that justice is will not be enough for the pain and suffering they caused that little girl. May Crystal rest in peace knowing that the offenders who did this to her are on the road to being punished for their crimes.

Of course, as you know, tonight was bowling night….I did fairly well on the 1st game with a 123…..the 2nd game I choked – have no idea what happened and got a 99. The 3rd game…well let’s just say I kicked some serious ass!!! Got my best score ever while bowling with 173!!! can you believe that shit? hahaha I was quite excited!!!

On my way home from bowling….I was going east on Flamingo to get on the I-15 north and noticed a HUGE car accident right before Flamingo….with a big rig involved…it was ugly….so I got onto the 15 and then right after Spring Mountain – there was a dead pit bull in the road…fresh…his little neck was all twisted…poor thing :( I’ll never forget the eyes…the eyes were open and they were SUPER green…it was gross!!! and right after the pit bull was another multi car accident…3 cars were in the right hand emergency lane and one was all the way in the left facing the opposite direction….my lead foot did not show itself the whole way home….I think all that stuff is happening cause it’s raining…and folks, let me tell ya….people in Vegas do NOT NOT NOT know how to drive in the rain….it’s like they go psychotic cause it’s raining. panic sets in, they don’t know how to focus on what they are doing and they drive like lunatics (not that they don’t drive like lunatics on any other given day, but you know what I mean!)

Bedtime for me! sweet dreams everyone!

Until next time…. 😎

Sunday evening

As I sit here watching the end of XXX: State of the Union. I wonder … ummmm WHY THE HELL DID I WATCH THIS?!?!?!?! Now, please, don’t get me wrong. I do like Ice Cube when he acts and I like Samuel Jackson. But this movie was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. I most probably could have found more defining words, but at this moment – that’s the only word coming to my mind!

I just changed the channel and am now watching the Sopranos. Did you know the new season starts March 12? Just another TV show to add to my DVR list hahah So I’ll have COPS, Miami Ink, Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, 24 (this one is for mom) and then the Sopranos starting on the 12th.

OK so I did that “What love song are you” quiz earlier and posted the results. The results were Dido – Thank you. Ya know…I don’t even know what that song sounded like. Until just now – I downloaded it and I’m listening to it right now….I’m listening to the lyrics of this song and I’m looking them up on the internet too…. wow. I don’t know how I feel about being told I’m this song – but hey…whatevah works, right? hahaha If I don’t read too much into the lyrics (which I tend to do after relating most songs to my recovery or life in some way) then it’s a pretty good song. Here are the lyrics:

My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’d all be grey, but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today, I’m late for work again
And even if I’m there, they’ll all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life
Push the door, I’m home at last and I’m soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn’t have a clue
Because you’re near me and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Interesting lyrics. Interesting song. Isn’t this the one that Eminem used in the Stan song? I don’t even remember the name of the Eminem song…shame on me!

Until next time… 😎

Sunday afternoon & the Auto Club 500

I just got home in time to watch the last 50 laps of the NASCAR race. Only reason I missed the race at all is cause I had a hair appointment. We switched up the color on my hair so I’m loving it more than I usually do when I get it done hahaha Still trying to let it grow out so it’s at a stage where it’s a little annoying at times but I’m dealing with it – since I want it to grow!

Tony Stewart is #2 right now. And now smoking from the left side of the vehicle – he’s leaving the racetrack and they just showed his crew chief and let’s just say I know how to read lips…..at least with one word in my dictionary hahaha the F bomb went flying outta his mouth!! This sucks! He’s out of the race and getting his first DNF of the season. Hopefully that’s the first and only one this season. It’s his first DNF in 30 races…did you know that?

Update on the race – Matt Kenseth – #17 won the race. I dislike him. Don’t know why. One of those people who make the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I’ve never even met the man. Hmmmm!

I finished watching the Grey’s Anatomy episodes. I’m going to watch the bonus features in a few minutes – well after the race – however long that takes. Grey’s Anatomy is awesome. Just as I remember the 1st season being – it was awesome. The last episode of the season was pretty good. It’s the one where Addison first appears – McDreamy’s wife. OOOOH! I’m already deciding if I want to stay up late tonight to watch the episode that is on tonight….but I’m thinking I’ll just record it and watch it Monday or Tuesday. I’ll see how I’m feeling tonight.

Thanks, Goddess for letting me know that Vegas is still in #1 with your HOTT Cops awards :) I almost got worried!

When you get invited to a wedding and you aren’t really even friends with the people getting married….does that mean you HAVE to go? I’ve been invited to a wedding of (OK stay with me here) the mother of my friend’s soon to be daughter-in-law. There did you get that? hahaha I’ve met her several times at different parties and I’ve even been her Partylite consultant several times – going to her house and presenting the candles and such. So I wonder – if I don’t want to go to this wedding – do I HAVE to go? What’s the etiquette here? I need some advice! It’s a week from tomorrow and it’s on a Monday after I get off of work. It’s not that I dislike going to weddings – but I don’t seem to like weddings in the middle of my work week. Also, I wouldn’t be able to take a date (the Marine has his son during the evenings/week nights) so I’d have to go stag to a wedding. How sucky is that? What do you think?

Well, time to go put all my clean clothes away that I washed before going to get my hair done. After that, it’s time for a nice hot bubble bath!

Until next time…. 😎

Sunday mumblings

The mini-convention went well, I think. There was a mix up with the caterers at lunch and some of us ended up waiting a very long time for food. The committee chairperson took care of it though. She was on top of it really. Kudos to her :)

I went into the room at 2:30p.m. to prepare for my workshop and found out that the portable cd player I borrowed from TB did not recognize the CD I had burned the songs onto. Panic almost set in. One girl ran with my CD to another room that had a CD player in it and it didn’t work there either. So I found a CD player under the table in the room we were in….it worked! woooweeee crisis diverted! Almost panicked! Each year I do that workshop my only goal is that I help at least one person in the room either view music differently or deal with some kind of emotion they are dealing with….Several people in the room told me that I did help them. So I achieved the goal plus some. That was a good thing 😀

I left the convention around 5pm. I was exhausted. I was also not feeling very well. I got home by 6…I layed on the couch at 630 and I was asleep by 7pm. I woke up at 840pm and went to bed. Woke up at 1am and then back to sleep I went and I just got up at 7am. So I guess almost 12 hours of sleep is what I needed hahaha By the time I went to bed at 840 – my whole body just hurt. From my feet all the way to my head. This morning – just my head and my throat are hurting. No body aches. Maybe I slept it all away? I can only hope!

So today is going to be nothing but house work and cleaning and laundry. Except for my hair appointment at 130. She got sick on Friday so she could not go to work that day. She is coming in on her day off (today) to do my hair and my mom’s hair (we have the same hair dresser and have had her for over 15 years – closer to 20) cause she’s going outta town on Tuesday and won’t be able to do it any other day. At least I’ll get rid of the grey.

Don Knotts died…he was 81. Sad :( Barney Fife was a funny character! I hope he rests in peace!

I think I’m going to spend a lot of the day cleaning (like I mentioned above) AND watching Grey’s Anatomy. I still have the 2nd disc of the 1st season to watch. Mom’s awake now so I can watch it and not worry about waking her up when I laugh (I tend to laugh quite loud watching that show!)

Until next time…. 😎

Saturday morning thoughts

Here I sit at 05:34 a.m….I’m tired! I did not get home last night until about 10 and did not go to sleep until about 11….so my alarm went off at 5. Yeah, I know what your thinking….IT’S SATURDAY WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!?!?!?!?! I have to be somewhere at 730…as a matter of fact I have to make this short and sweet cause I have to go get ready and get downtown on time. don’t know if I’ll make it and that’s OK – I’ll get there as soon as I can!

My dog is being very needy. sitting at my feet and whining at me. ugh. too early in the morning for that shit. I just let her outside to go potty….I seem to have pissed her off tho and she’s left my little office. whew! some peace and quiet before going to get ready!

Funny thing about that quiz I posted last night before going to sleep. SATC is/was one of my favorite shows of all time. Similar to the way Grey’s Anatomy is now. SATC could make me laugh and cry within a 10 minute (if that) time span. It could have me crying AND laughing at the same time. I could relate to the characters. Carrie the most, then Samantha, then Miranda and finally Charlotte. Some of the episodes were bittersweet and the acting was great. SJP did a great job as Carrie – as did all the other ladies on the show. There were several episodes in season 5…felt like they were writing about me with the situations Carrie found herself in. It was an awesome show and I miss it! I may have to have a SATC marathon soon – just cause I can.

Well that’s going to have to be enough for now – I really really have to go get ready. I’ll be out all day so you won’t see any more posts today until later tonight. This is going to be a VERY long day for me! haha

Until next time…. 😎

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

I’m a huge Sex and the City fan….I was very sad when they took it off the air…yes, I do have all episodes on DVD….


You Are Most Like Carrie!


You’re quirky, flirty, and every guy’s perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It’s tough for you to find the right match – you’re more than a little picky.
Never fear… You’ve got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You’ll fall for someone this year…

Totally different from any guy you’ve dated.

Blogging

As you see on my blogroll, I read a few blogs. I try to visit each one daily – if not every other day – as time permits. I’ve noticed this blogging thing has started taking up a good portion of my time and I’m still loving it. I love writing, I love reading, I like posting my opinion on things and I like those blogthings (I think I’m more than 45% addicted now hahaha)…

I’ve read two blogs tonight that I want to send kudos too. So be sure to click on their links on my blogroll!!!

The first one is Michael J. Totten – He’s over in Iraq and he posts about his daily journeys. He posts pictures too. I just read his 2/22/06 posting and I have to say it was beautiful. He writes wonderfully and describes stuff so that when I’m reading it – it’s almost like I’m standing right beside him. I never would have found this blog without my brother (of course!) having had it mentioned in one of his posts.

The second blog I read tonight Stumbling Through Life with Grace (3T’s blog on the blogroll) She describes her site as a “Diary of a psychologically, analytical,neurotic, closet Bitch. Musings of a retired bad-girl, who unwittingly stumbled in to life as I know it today.” I found her site on another person’s blog – she was “renting” the blog from that person. Her writing is fun to read.

I can’t really explain it in so many words – but when I read some stories she recently posted I related to much of what she had written and it gave me hope. Hope that I will one day work through my past transgressions with certain things in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a long way in working out things in my life but I’m also realistic – I have a long way to go. She mentioned “What comes around goes around” a lot in one of her latest posts and as I reminisce about things I’ve done – I know there is a lot I still have to “pay” for.

I live my life today making sure I’m doing the right thing. The right thing for ME. As long as I’m not hurting myself or others – I’m golden. I know there’s a lot more to it than that, which I’m sure you know as well. I did some horrible things in my past – some recent past history as well. I’ve been in recovery for close to 5 years and I’m still learning about me. I’m still learning how to live life on life’s terms and not go for that instant gratification that seemed to rule me so many years ago.

Do I still do that on occassion? of course I do – I’m a work in progress. Progress – not perfection. That’s what they tell me anyway. I do know that I try very hard not to return to that self destructive person I used to be.

Until next time…. 😀