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Archive for June, 2006

never made it up to Minnesota

The Florida Marlins broke the Boston Red Sox’s 12 game winning streak. Thank you Marlins. I don’t really know how to say it with all the exuberance that I’m feeling. Thank you thank you thank you. Now, if the Yankees can hold onto the lead they have right now against the Mets, they will cut the lead of the Sox from 3 1/2 to 3. WOOT. How exciting is that shit?

I had a fairly uneventful day at work today. My boss was in a meeting alllllll day long so that let me get some paperwork done and off my desk. Yeah, I’m still digging out of the crap that built itself up when I was sick all those days. I’m feeling crappy again too so I’m going to be calling the doctor again on Monday. Headaches came back and I’m dizzy. I’m still going thru that whole monthly visitor thing too. 7 full days today, aren’t you jealous? Need to call that doctor too.

I received the following in an email from a friend. I liked it, so I want to share it. I know not all of my readers believe in God and that’s OK by me. I do believe in Him and so I’m posting in this. And really? I have nothing to say, I was just looking to update the blog.

I asked God for water
* He gave me an ocean. *

I asked God for a flower,
* He gave me a garden. *

I asked God for a friend,
*He gave me YOU…

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

One thing I’ve learned in the last 5 years is that the God I believe in is nonjudgemental. He knows I’m not perfect and he knows that I sin. He loves me anyway. If only we could all have that perfect love for each other, eh? That would be amazing. To be accepting and loving of people exactly as they are and not expect anything in return or expect any changes.

Until next time… 😛

Dedication Friday

I don’t really have anything this morning…and since I have to go work, I’m going to do this Dedication Friday.

The song I’ve chosen today is I’m Moving On by Rascal Flatts. I do a workshop every year for the convention of GASN (Gambler’s Anonymous of Southern Nevada) and that workshop is on how I relate music to my recovery and to when I was out practicing my disease/addiction. This song is how I felt after I did my fourth step (Took a moral and financial inventory of ourselves – the wording is a little off in that haha).

I want to dedicate this song to anyone out there who doesn’t know how to move on and is struggling. Anyone out there who is struggling with an addiction that they can’t seem to get rid of. There are choices out there and you just need to find them. There is a better way of life out there, you just need to want to find it. It works if you work it.

I’m Moving On – Rascal Flatts

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

To all you who keep kicking my ass in BOTB…would ya stop? I’m running outta credits! K? Thanks!

F.O.A.D. Thursday

Awwww, it was only a matter of time. It was only a matter of time until I decided to post a more recent picture on the Myspace page that I have. I use Myspace to stay in contact with old and new friends. I use it for nothing more. I don’t search profiles, I don’t look for hotties, I don’t respond to freaks….I did, however, get an interesting message on Myspace today and I wanted to share it with my good blogging friends cause it ties into my Fuck Off And Die Thursday.

Hi my name is Pervert on Myspace and I am 23 years. I have always been very submissive and am looking for a dominant female that would like to give me strict rules and discipline.

OK his name really wasn’t that, but I’ve changed his name and removed some other personal information so that I’m not called bad names by people who will think I’m being an asshole. But just so you know? I’m being an asshole.

I am looking for an older dominant female who would enjoy giving very strict discipline to a young boy. I am 6’5, 240 lbs. The types of rules I need include bedtime and curfew (very early), no going out anywhere other than work without your permission, as well as sexual and domestic chores. Looks and race are not important to me as long as I find someone that will actually follow through with keeping me in line.

Mmkay. To have absolute control over someone does sound quite appealing. However, I don’t believe that this guy falls into the category of why I use Myspace (as stated above).

Part of my problems are financial so anyone who could help out with that would be great, but that is not one of the requirements. I also would be willing to contribute a portion of my paycheck to You eventally (a % of it) for people who financially help me out.

WOW!!! I would get a tithing from the kid. How special do I feel right about now?

Basically, I am having trouble controlling my life and am seeking an older female almost like a mother figure to treat me like a child until she feels I do not need it anymore. Punishments I am used to include spanking, grounding, corner time, writing lines, soap in my mouth, as well as sexual punishments and other more extreme things as well. I also would be willing to serve as a human toilet. Basically you can do whatever you want with me. I can be used sexually or just used for domestic chores. I have thought about being feminized and turned into a girl with a girls name and everything.

Hmmm I have not given birth for a reason buddy. You’re not a child, you’re an adult. May want to get used to that. Punishments? Holy fucking shit. Human toilet? I feel like hurling now.

So to this Pervert on Myspace, fuck off and die.

2,996 needs you for a tribute

I saw this on A Pile of Dog Bones this evening and decided to head on over to this other blog and check it out. A tribute to the victims of 9/11 is being organized by D. Challenger Roe. He needs bloggers willing to blog about a victim of the attacks on the upcoming 5th Anniversary (holy crap! I can’t believe it’s been 5 years already!!!) I signed up for it tonight…will you?

$70.56. Beat that!

I found this on Lucy’s Dilemma…she didn’t tag anyone but it looked fun and I thought I’d play along

How much are you really worth?

Look over the list below, taking the dollar amounts from each of the things you have done (whether past or present) and add it up…than post how much you are worth in your blog title. Don’t forget to pass it along…

1. Have gone past first base–$4
2. Have had sexual intercourse– $5
3. Have only went as far as first base– $3
4. Have smoked an unfiltered cigarette or cigar– $5
5. Have gotten so drunk, you’ve thrown up– $5
6. Have gone skinny dipping– $3
7. Have kissed someone of the opposite sex– $4
8. Have had more than one bf/gf at the same time– $2
9. Have cheated on someone you are in a commited relationship with– $2
10. Have fallen asleep during class– $0.50
11. Have cheated on a quiz– $1
12. Have been expelled– $5
13. Have been in a fist fight– $3
14. Have given oral– $5
15. Have received oral– $5
16. Have prank called the cops– $3
17. Have stolen something from a store– $2
18. Have done some form of illegal drugs– $5
19. Have dyed your hair a color that evokes stares– $0.50
20. Have done something of a sexual nature with someone at least 5 yrs older than you– $3
21. Have dated someone over 18 while you were under 18– $4
22. Have eaten an entire bag of Oreos– $0.50
23. Have cried yourself to sleep over a member of the opposite sex– $1
24. Have said you love someone but didn’t actually mean it– $1
25. Have ever been in love– $4
26. Have ever been in lust–$0.01
27. Have gotten caught doing something that you shouldn’t have been doing– $1
28. Have performed some sort of sexual activity in a house of worship– $10
29. Have gotten arrested– $5
30. Have spent a night in jail–$7
31. Have made out with someone at the movies– $2
32. Have peed in a pool– $0.03
33. Have played spin the bottle– $1
34. Have done something that you regret– $3
35. Have been in love with someone that you never told–$0.02

hanging on every word you say

I had a great day yesterday. I cried a lot, laughed a lot and got a massage. I had not gotten one of those in years and years and loved every second of it!!!!

My friend SC recognized 3 years in GA last night at a meeting. I made sure to go. SC was instrumental in me making it through the night Todd died. He picked me up off the floor and helped me stand up. He kept people away from me and he answered my phone for me when it started exploding as the word spread throughout our group. GA gave me friends like that. Not everyday someone will ignore their pain and take care of yours. What a wonderful gift that is.

Since being in GA I’ve learned several things about friends.

I’ve learned that I can’t be a good friend to anyone if I’m not a good friend to myself first.

I’ve learned I can’t allow my “friends” to walk all over me and how to make sure that they don’t.

I’ve learned that taking care of myself first is not necessarily selfish, but self caring.

I’ve learned that acceptance and friendship go hand in hand.

I’ve learned that some friends will go that extra mile, while others will not.

I’m sure I could go on and on about what I’ve learned in this program. I’ll be forever grateful for friends like SC.

Until next time… 😛

I’ll be there for you

I have a busy day planned. I took today off to burn that other personal day that we get at work. We get two days per year and they have to be used July 1 thru June 30. For the first time in YEARS, we are approaching June 30 and I still have one of those days to use. I took today off so I didn’t lose that personal day.

There’s a method to my madness and I’m very emotionally self aware of who I am. I also took today off because it’s the one year anniversary of Todd’s death. I can’t say that I’m freaking out, but I can say I’m feeling very depressed. And what’s weird is that it’s a calm depressed. Does that make sense? Throughout the year I’ve gone through these depressions and they’ve been horrible and painful and just plain emotionally exhausting. Today, I just feel sad at the same time as feeling happy.

I’m feeling happy because Todd is with me today, I can feel him all around me. I feel happy because for a short period of time I learned what true friendship, love and acceptance was. I feel happy because of all the memories I have of him. I feel sad because he’s not physically here with me to laugh with me, to cry with me, to talk with me. There’s a saying Todd and I had and whenever we were alone we would say “let the gossip and criticism begin.” We did it with each other so that we had an avenue to vent our frustrations about the people in our lives. What he shared with me, never left and what I shared with him never left. We kept it to ourselves. He was Will to my Grace, Jack to my Karen. My whole world shifted and changed when he died. I’m grateful he was a part of my life, even though it was just a short time.

Todd, I love you and I miss you. Some days are better than others and sometimes it doesn’t feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Other days, like yesterday, are incredibly sad and painful, but I make it through them knowing you are with me. Here is the last picture taken of us together. June 18, 2005. We were at BJ’s Brewery (GREAT GREAT food here in Vegas) and were getting ready to go see a movie.

it isn’t what you say it’s what you do

So many gates in life are open, waiting for us to walk through them – Unknown

Every now and then I read the spam stuff that Akismet stops from getting into the comments section of my blog. I had a great laugh this morning as I read them before deleting them all….I found these two of special interest:

I only drink to make other people interesting. Now that’s my kind of thinking! In looking at the URI and IP, looks like an anti-aging pill.

But it just so happens that when you’re in the public eye, everything gets reported. Hmmm OK, thanks for the info! This was from a penis enlargement company.

I had a FABULOUS weekend. My friend (we’ll call him Lock) got to town Friday afternoon. I’ve already told ya how my Friday night was hahaha. Saturday we just hung out at the park and had some BBQ. I was home and in bed by 11pm on Saturday.

They left yesterday afternoon after a few of us had lunch. We met at the Cafe Ba Ba Reeba. The place is in the Fashion Show Mall. When I first arrived there, I parked in the “yellow” parking area under ground, where our other friend told me to park. I go up the escalators and I’m by Robinson’s May. I go in there to find a restroom and mistakenly walk through the shoe department. TONS of Reaction by Kenneth Cole shoes. YIKES! I avert my gaze and keep walking. I make it back out without giving in to the urge to buy some Kenneth Cole shoes (also, they didn’t have the kind I was looking for!)

We we figure out where our lunch spot is and it turns out it’s on the OTHER side of the mall, so we truck on down there. We had a great time at lunch. Lock and his s/o left after lunch and I went home to do laundry and absolutely nothing the rest of the day. Which is what I did!

I got my vehicle serviced this morning and then went to work. Another fun day in paradise! One year ago today, it was a Sunday and I talked to my best friend for the last time. Todd and I talked for a long time that day. He was in good health, he felt awesome and he was happier than he had been in years. Throughout the past year, I have changed considerably from how I was before he died. My personality shifted, my emotions went a little bonkers for a really long time.

Until next time…. 😛

How do men see you?

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate
You know how to push men’s buttons and attract a wide range of guys
You enjoy living and loving – it’s one of your most attractive qualities
Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

Silent Sunday #1

I got this picture off of The Week in Pictures. Dedicated to all of our American Soldiers over seas. This one is of soldiers of the 2nd Battalion, 87th Infantry Regiment, 10th Mountain Division. They take cover as the Chinook takes off. Helmand province, Afghanistan.