The Soda Stand

Archive for August, 2006

It’s supposed to be Fuck Off and Die Thursday. I know. I suck. I really can’t tell anyone to fuck off and die this week. Why? Well cause my week was just too angsty and all about me for me to notice if anyone was being fucknut enough to piss me off. No one pissed me off this week. Unless you still want to count the finance banshee lady. She still pisses me off, but realistically I can’t let her get under my skin like that. I just need to write her a letter, relieve her of her services with us and move on. I’m going to be working on that either tonight while I’m watching the Yankees game and slowly packing for my weekend or I’ll do it when I get back to town.

I had a fairly good day today. It’s the first day since I was in the ER that I didn’t need to take an Ativan while I was at work. I felt the “anxiety” a few times, but did some deep breathing and it went away. I got a lot of work completed and even started learning a new process that I’ve never done before. It’s not a fun process and it will be the first time for me as a supervisor, but it’s something for me to learn. WOOT!

Every now and then, someone says or does something that touches my heart in a way that it’s hard to explain. It happened twice this week and I wanted to cry each time. The first time it happened was on Tuesday. I asked my boss if it would be alright if I went home early. He said I didn’t need to check with him on stuff like that. He then said that he wanted to tell me something else, as an observation. I said OK, what is it? He proceeded to say to me that if I don’t tell him what’s going on in my life, he can’t help me. He said that he and his wife know a lot of people and no matter what is happening in my life, all I have to do is tell him and they’ll try to help me. I wanted to cry but all I said was thank you, I will remember that.

The second time happened this morning. Every morning for the last several months, I had been getting to work at around 6:30 in the morning so I could sit and chat with some officers before they had to go to briefing. This last week, I have not gotten there as early and I’ve missed out on hanging out with the guys. One of the officers who sits out on the patio with me was on his way out of the parking lot with his trainee. He actually stopped his car when he saw me pulling in. He got out his car, came up to me and asked if I was OK. I explained to him what had been happening with me and after we chatted a bit, he says “Well get better fast, we miss you in the morning.” It was just so sweet it made me want to cry. Those two conversations touched my heart in a way I could not even begin to explain.

Until next time….

I noticed a peculiar theme on most of the blogs I’ve read today since I got home from work. The theme has been having shitty days or weeks. While reading some of these blogs, I just felt a certain kinship with the author of that blog. I’ve been having a shitty week myself.

I also noticed there were a lot of positive things said and talked about. I like it when there’s a healthy balance in the blogs I read. Some are very positive, some are negative, some are in between. I dig that. Keeps me on my fucking toes. Never know what I’m gonna get when I bring up a blog, ya know?

Since Thursday of last week, when I went to the ER I’ve had a few slight “episodes” where it felt like I was going into another anxiety attack. The symptoms still mirror those of a heart attack. So then I panic and it gets worse. I pop a pill and I calm down within 20 minutes. The ER doctor gave me 15 Ativan pills to last me until I see my regular doctor. Well she wanted me to see the doc this week and since I couldn’t get an appointment until next Tuesday, I’m running outta pills. I’ve started cutting them in half. With them cut in half, I have enough for four days – two halves in a day. One during the day at work if I need it (or in CA while I’m there) and one at night if I start feeling that funky stuff. I noticed I feel those symptoms more often at night when I’m laying down to go to sleep.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since Thursday (thinking you’re having a heart attack will do that to ya, ya know?) and I realized that not only is the finance stuff stressing me out, but I have a fear. I have a deep rooted fear that my period is going to be horrendeous this month. It hasn’t started yet. I could start any second and these slight physical PMS symptoms I’m having could turn into some horrible nightmare. It’s a deep rooted fear, at the same time as being a bit silly. I’m projecting what’s going to happen. I could start my period tomorrow and not have one single problem this month. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

I read somewhere that Mars is going to be closer to the Earth than it has ever been. And it won’t be this close again until like 2287 or some shit like that. I can’t remember the date of when it’s supposed to happen, so this information is pretty much useless for you. However, I’ll research it on the internet later. I’m too lazy to stop typing this post and then finding the date. So with Mars being this close, I’m wondering if that has to do a lot with all the moodiness going around. Not just mine either.

Did you hear about the fucktards in Phoenix who put some real live Diamondback snakes in a theater when people were going in to see Snakes on a Plane. See? That movie is just fucking evil. Instead of having an anxiety attack, I probably would have had a serious heart attack. GAH.

Until next time…

I just realized I haven’t been commenting on many blogs lately. Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t been reading many blogs lately. I’ve been totally caught up in my own angst of shit going on in my life.

I’ve started to slowly come out of my shell and I’m commenting and visiting again. You can expect a visit from me and maybe even a comment or two! You’ll feel special, I know you will.

I’m planning my trip to California this weekend. Saturday afternoon is the Yankees/Angels game and beyond that, we are pretty much open for anything. My friend, Lock, lives in Pasadena, which is like 40 miles north of where we are staying. However, it’s also his birthday weekend, so we’ll probably be traveling up there on at least one of the days we are there.

I don’t know if I’ll have anytime for the beach, but that’s OK, I can’t
everytime I go there.

I’m in contact with his boyfriend, so I’m thinking there is a super secret special thing happening that Lock is not allowed to know about. WOOT!

Until next time….

Monday. It’s a busy day. Sometimes it’s a stressful day. Yesterday was no exception to that rule. It seems I’ve entered a phase in my life where if it can go wrong, it most likely will. However, I believe with every fiber of my being that this phase won’t last much longer.

Work yesterday actually went by pretty quickly. It was busy and there were a lot of things for me to do. Bowling was OK, I bowled right around my average for the night.

When I leave bowling, I have two choices in the direction I go to get home. If I want to save gas mileage, I go west on Flamingo to Rainbow and catch the 95 from there. If I’m looking to save time, I go east on Flamingo to the I-15 freeway and take that north to the 95 north.

Last night I wanted to save on time because I’m determined to get more sleep than I have been getting lately. I believe my lack of sleep has much to do with my stress levels and the fact I had another anxiety attack. I go to I-15 and I’m cruising (you could call it speeding) towards the 95.

I get onto the 95 and I’m cruising past a few of the off ramps. Just past Decatur, we start slowing down. Very slow. Somewhere AFTER the exit for Jones, we come to a complete stop. HOLY FUCK!!!! I sat in that traffic until almost 10pm. Did I mention I left bowling at 8:50? It normally takes me about 20-25 minutes taking the freeway from there. I finally got home at 10:10pm.

At the Summerlin Parkway exit, there was a tractor trailer overturned on the road and blocked all 3 travel lanes (that’s what they said on the radio). When we finally started moving at a snails pace, I saw 5 cars off to the side of the road, blocking the right hand travel lane and the on/off ramp for Summerlin Parkway.

An hour and 20 fucking minutes. I sat there. I called MH and KP to vent. I’m normally an extremely calm driver, you know, don’t hit me and we’ll get a long just fine. I can share the road with others. I’m not scared. However, last night I was ready to let road rage take over. I was tired, I was cranky and I was beginning to not feel well. It sucked!

On a lighter note, I got through it finally and made my way home. I had to take an Ativan to relax enough to go to sleep though, which I don’t particularly like, however I slept phenomenally well from about 11pm until my alarm went off at 5:45am.

I’ve started getting up a little later in the morning, trying to give myself some more sleep (that whole lack of sleep leading to stress thing.) I used to think I dealt pretty well with the stressors in my life. I’m still going to meetings and I’m still in contact with my sponsor, so I know it’s not because I haven’t gone to my GA meetings.

It’s that phase I suppose. This phase will end soon, I’m sure of that and I’ll be back to normal.

I got an email from a friend today. It was pictures of her wedding. She had mentioned earlier this year that she and her fiancee were going to get married but she would let us all know when it was happening, so some of us could be there. Well they are married now. I responded to her email with a congrats and when’s the party?

Were my feelings hurt? A little bit, yes. Even with all the crap we’ve been through, I really thought we were closer friends than that. I guess I was being naive. Then again, it has nothing to do with me and they did what was going to make them happy. Good for them!

Until next time…

As I sit here drinking my vanilla nut coffee, watching Sportscenter and reading some blogs, I wonder if I should do Silent Sunday or not.

Obviously since I’m typing this, I don’t have a photo to share for Silent Sunday (yet!)

I figure I’ll share a few of my thoughts now and if I feel like doing Silent Sunday later, I will.

I went to a GA meeting last night, since I felt like I needed one. Even though I was totally exhausted and all I wanted to do was stay home and go to sleep early.

I realized at this meeting, after talking to a few women that were there, the hysterectomy I MIGHT have to have, could be the best thing to ever happen to me. Seriously. How bad would it be to never have a period again? How bad would it be to never bleed like a stuck pig again? (sorry! TMI there for the guys) I would not cramp up, bleed nor have any of the other physical symptoms.

How cool would that be? And all I’d have to give up is an ovary, uterus and cervix. Hmmmm seems a little bit of a lopsided proposition, but one I’m seriously considering would be a good trade.

I’ve also been thinking about the finance thing. Why is it upsetting me so much that it’s taking so long? Well, let me tell ya. With that money I will be able to be debt free except my car and the house. That’s a huge thing.

With that money I would be able to have a really GREAT time on my cruise and not worry about going over the limit on my credit card. I’m not planning on a HUGE alcohol bill, but I am planning on having a few (cough – OK a lot) of pina coladas.

Also with that money, I could have gone to Massachusetts to meet some new blogging friends. There is a get together planned and I was going to go. I was going to fly in for the weekend, hang out and then fly back. I can’t do that now. Unless a miracle happens and we get the money sometime tomorrow or Tuesday. Fucking with my groove here, this finance situation.

Another thing. With that money I could have planned a trip to NYC to see my friend who lives in Brooklyn and possibly go to a Yankees game. However, IF we get the money, I’ll most likely plan a NYC trip anyway, sometime in November or December, even though the Yankees won’t be playing. I’ll get to spend time with MJ and do my tourist thing in NYC. I love walking around that city (in the touristy spots, thanks) and taking pictures of everything.

I guess what it comes down too is when we were told we’d get X amount of dollars, I started spending it before I had it. Shame on me. That part is my fault. However, I’m still upset cause she promised us so many different times and then I found out it’s not her place nor within her power to promise us anything.

This also makes me want to learn more about mortgage finance and re-finance stuff so I am not so stupid when doing stuff like this.

I’ve realized I’m nervous as all get out about the September 11 post I’ll be doing about Stephen Mulderry. I so want to do the man justice and give him a fitting memorial post. I’ve done lots of research on him online and I have a lot of websites to go to learn more about him. I’m just nervous. Have you signed up for 2,996? You really should.

I just read today that there are 2,000 participants. That means we need 996 more in 23 days. Please click on the link I’ve provided and sign up if you haven’t already. It’s such a great thing to be a part of and I’m humbled to be a part of it.

On a different note entireley, Evanescence has a new song out “Call Me When You’re Sober” It’s an awesome song. I love Amy Lee’s voice.

I’ve had a lot of time to think today. I went and got my hair done this morning, so it’s all red and purty. I had her layer some of it cause that trying to grow my hair out to one length thing? Fucking sucks the big one. I could do shit with my hair. That had to change.

I started a photo blog over on blogger I called it Pictures From Sodapop’s World I put it on a free server for now. I want to see how I do with it. If I keep it updated and do a lot of stuff with it, I will talk to my brother about moving it to it’s own domain or this one and going from there.

I was washing the dishes earlier when I got back from my hair appointment and as I was sticking my fingers and the sponge into the glass, the fucker broke. Sliced the finger just under the knuckle on my left index finger. Holy fucking bleeding a lot batman, that shit hurt. It bled for a long time. I slapped some bandaids on it, had to wrap it in like 2 band aids to get it to stay. It finally stopped bleeding so I washed it with some peroxide and then put some “new skin” liquid bandaid over it.

There’s a story on the news right now about Snakes On A Plane. WTF. Snakes on a fucking plane? God, it makes me not want to ever fly anywhere again. And that’s just impossible cause to visit my brother, I’d have to fly. When/if I ever get back to NYC or to Massachusetts to meet my new blogging friends, I’d have to fly.

I can see it now, I’d be on the plane and something would tickle my foot and I’ve freak the fuck out. Let’s just give everyone nightmares cause of snakes on planes. Good God. I’m just so not thrilled with that fucking movie.

Speaking of movies, I’ve heard from several different people that I know that the movie World Trade Center was excellent. They said it was very well made and very touching. I asked all kinds of questions, do they focus on only the cops or do they focus in different areas like EMS, fire fighters, etc. They said that it was mainly focused on the cops, but it does talk a lot about the other emergency services personnel. I’m going to go see it one of these days.

I’m feeling better since my little 6.5 hour stay in the ER on Thursday night. I’m very grateful there was nothing wrong with my ticker. I’ll be making an appointment with my regular doctor next week just for a follow up and to possibly see a cardiologist anyway. Just to make sure, ya know?

Until next time…

Pier at Huntington Beach

Huntington Beach, CA

Kaui Coastline

Maui Coastline near Lahaina

OK, here it is. The Dedication Friday of the week. I missed last week cause I was out of town and I’ll be missing next week because I’ll be on my way to Cali again for a Yankees/Angels game (STFU Mr. Fab)

I’m sending this one out to anyone afraid to chase their dreams. Anyone who struggles with life’s daily hustle and bustle. If I continue putting one foot in front of the other towards a specific goal or dream, my Higher Power will guide me to where I need to be. There is a line in this song “with the Good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all.” It’s my favorite line in the song due to the fact I believe so heartily that if I keep doing the next right thing for me and my life, God will be there with me and for me. Garth Brooks is one of my all time favorite singers (thanks to my brother who forced me to listen to nothing but country when we drove up to South Dakota in 1991.) Thanks, Slobokan!

The River by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores…and

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til what we put off ’til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the shoreline
And say you’re satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

There’s bound to be rough waters
And I know I’ll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all…yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
‘Til the river runs dry

post title: Shut up and Drive – Chely Wright

I’ll get back to dedication Friday in a different post today. Right now, I need to talk about serious stuff. Every now and then I like to post something serious. More serious than just my normal bitching about this, that, or the other. Today I sit and ponder why I keep having anxiety attacks. Or why I’ve had one per year for the last two years anyway.

Last year, July of 2005, I had one and ended up in the hospital for about 36-48 hours. I was having chest pains, I was sick to my stomach, dizzy, arm hurt, neck hurt, etc. I thought it was a heart attack. So I went to the ER at 1 in the morning and they admitted me. Took the EKG, chest xrays and did a stress test the next day. Turns out it was my acid reflux acting strangely AND an anxiety attack. Last year it was because my friend Todd had just died at the end of June and I was stressing big time.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling groggy, foggy in the head and I had some arm discomfort (left arm). Throughout the day, I started getting dizzy, I got a headache while I was at work and my neck was hurting (left side). I got home from work and tried some of my deep breathing exercises my grief counselor had shown me last year. All the symptoms were basically the same and I really thought it was anxiety again. The relaxation techniques did NOT work yesterday.

While I was laying on the couch yesterday afternoon, I started having chest pains. Felt like someone was squeezing my heart. So I took my ass to the ER again. They took blood, did a chest xray, did an EKG and left me sitting in the waiting room until about 11:15pm (I got there at 6pm by the way). I saw the doctor and she said there were no signs of blod clots, nothing wrong with the heart and nothing wrong with the xrays. Everything was good.

She said she didn’t want to call it anxiety but it could be, since we could find nothing medically wrong with my heart or lungs. She gave me a script for Ativan and sent me on my way. I got home around 12:45 in the morning. Oh, she also gave me some valium, which I was supposed to take there in the ER, but I pocketed it instead, cause I wanted to drive home and NOT leave my Jetta there over night, ya know? So when I got home, I took them and went to bed. I slept better last night than I have in AGES.

In the light of day, I have to sit and wonder what is stressing me out so bad that I had another anxiety attack. Since April, I’ve had to deal with some pretty painful female stuff because that surgery I had did not work. The endometriosis is growing and making it more and more painful and debilitating each month. I’m currently on hormone therapy to try to help that. If it doesn’t help, I’ll have to have a hysterectomy before the end of the year. I guess that could be construed as stressful, don’t you? I mean seriously.

Now, my tubes were tied when I had that surgery so it’s not that I’m afraid I won’t be able to have kids. I made that decision a long time ago and that was taken care of when they tied the tubes. So why am I stressing so much over possibly having a hysterectomy? I guess for me it comes down to making some serious fucking changes to my body that I don’t know if I’m ready to handle. Seriously. They would remove everything but one ovary (so I’m not thrown into automatic menopause at age 37). I guess I’m just a scaredy cat when it comes to major surgery and taking this outta my body. I was born with it, I’d like to die with it. If that makes sense.

Then we have the finance lady thing that we have been stressing over. Seriously. two months of hounding her for information has become quite tiresome and stressful. Financially I can make it whether we get this money or not. It would be by the skin of my teeth, but I could do it. That money would make it so I don’t HAVE to live paycheck to paycheck, which would seriously be nice.

So those two things seem to be the biggest on my mind on why I would have my anxiety attack again. The doctor told me that the Ativan and my breathing relaxation techniques should help me out in making sure I don’t end up back at the ER anytime soon.

First order of business today (since I just barely woke up an hour ago) is to drink some coffee, have some breakfast (damn, it’s late enough for lunch already) and rest. I also need to go to the pharmacy to get my script filled. She also gave me a script for Pepcid 20mg to help with the acid reflux.

HI, my name is Train Wreck. You can call me TW for short though

I’ve post time-stamped this post so that it posts on Thursday. Even though I wrote it on Wednesday.

Several months ago, if you have been reading my blog for awhile, you’ll remember my mom and I decided to refinance our house. We went through the re-fi process and were awaiting the “piggy” back portion of that re-fi.

In the beginning of July, we were told we would get the money in just a few weeks. We waited and waited. We called and left messages. She called us, only when “returning” our phone calls.

First, the bank she went to went out of business. She went to a second bank to “sell” us. We were supposed to have the money no later than Friday of last week. Actually I think it was the Friday before that because mom called her last week and she said we’d know something no later than Tuesday (that would have been the 15th.) Tuesday came and went. We didn’t hear anything.

On Wednesday the 16th, mom calls her and finds out that this 2nd bank would not accept her pension check as income. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? The chick came over to get copies of my bank statements, W2 form and paycheck stubs. Well I didn’t have my paycheck stubs(they are in my desk at work,) so she’s coming back tomorrow after I get home from work to get those.

I don’t really know whether to believe this girl or not. Is she lying? Are the banks really the ones fucking around with it? I’m pissed off and I’m upset. I also found out from a blogging friend that she lied. There’s no way she could “promise” us anything and that is what she did. She promised us something she could not deliver. I also learned that the banks ARE about 30 days behind due to many changes and the like.

This Fuck Off And Die Thursday is to all those in customer service type jobs and they don’t give good customer service. She NEVER called us unless she was returning one of our phone calls. She NEVER kept us up to date on what was going on, unless (like I mentioned) we called her first.

To our finance lady for lying to us when she knew she could not deliver on her promises……..FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!!!!!

Go check out some other people who participate in FOAD Thursday!!!