The Soda Stand

Archive for March, 2007

I finally got some new pictures of Chloe downloaded. She is such a bugger!!!

Sitting with her new acquisition from Josie

Trying to hide behind the bush in the backyard

Strutting her stuff with the chew stick

For years, my number one defect of character has been procrastination. I’ve procrastinated about many things in my life. There are a few times, here and there, where I did not and have not procrastinated on things.

On 3/12/07, I went to my regular doctor for a follow up on the Lexapro and Ativan thing. I’ve remained on the same dosage for now because of all the dental work I’m going to be needing, I figure the Ativan will help my nerves quite a bit for that. Anyway, while I was there, I asked him about Chantix, the new drug to help you quit smoking. He gave me a prescription for it.

I held onto that prescription until yesterday. I finally got it filled. I took my first pill this morning while getting ready for work. I’m so jazzed. I figured 25 years of smoking is enough for me. I started smoking when I was 12, in the park next to Fremont Junior High School. I’m quite thrilled! 7 days from today, I will be a non-smoker! WOOT!!!

It also helps that 7 days from today, I’ll be getting a root canal so I won’t be ABLE to smoke that day haha There’s a method to my madness, seriously.

I went to a meeting last night for someone who was celebrating 12 years of recovery. It was awesome! It was a great meeting. Even though it kept me out late on a work night, it was well worth the lack of sleep.

My 10 sessions with “E” at the gym are over, so we are going down to once or twice a week and he’ll let me pay when I can. He’s really cool with that. He’s such a flirt and flirts with me constantly. It hasn’t made me feel uncomfortable yet, so I let it continue. He’s funny and sometimes hard to understand because of his accent.

We have this program at work where we can view crime scene or accident photos. I got access to this program yesterday. I went into there and my morbid curiousity got the better of me. I went into the photos of the scene where Sgt. Prendes was killed. When I opened the file and realized what it was, I figured I’d just look at the actual scene, with no bodies in it. Yeah that didn’t go as well as I had planned. I ended up looking at the morgue pictures for both Henry and the guy who killed him.

I started crying and then I puked a few times. It was something I did not need to see. I should have known better. When I clicked on the file to view it, I didn’t (at first) realize it was that scene. I quickly found out it was. At that point, I should have exited the program but I didn’t. *sigh* I took a walk after puking in the bathroom and splashing some cold water on my face. I felt a little better. Those pictures are not the way I want to remember him. I am going to be looking at some other photos today of him when he was alive. That way, I’ll remember him that way instead of on the table at the morgue with half his head gone from the exit wound.

Until next time….

Mom – stop reading now. You don’t need to know this much about your daughter, k?

Brother and SIL – stop reading now. You don’t need to know this much about your sister, k?

OK. My first meme of March. Actually, I think it’s my first one of 2007. Go figure. I found this over at Miss Britt’s place, who got it from Avitable. It’s very detailed. And I’ll probably end up sounding like a whore after it, but wait…whores get paid. So that would be a slut. I may end up looking like a slut after this. Again, mom, brother and SIL, please stop reading now!

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?

Unfortunately, no I have not.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?

Hmmm I would have to say yes. Oh, you want an actual explanation? Not gonna get one!

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Yes, several times. The last time I laughed during sex was when we fell off a bed.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Well sure, at least once I’m sure. Either cause it hurt or because I was feeling all emotional over the guy.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?

Sometimes, depends on the guy I’m supposed to cuddle after sex!

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?

Not really. OK, I take that back. There are several I wish had never happened. It was kind of like riding a moped. You don’t mind riding it to get from point A to point B, but you don’t want to ever get CAUGHT riding it. Yeah, there are a few “moped” type people that I regret.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?

Not that I recall. Then again, I could be lying ~ you’ll never know.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?

Hmmmm depends on the situation, the guy and the way he’s talking dirty.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?

Yes, several times….and boy did I luck out without ever getting pregnant.

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Ewww no

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?

(insert looking like a slut here) several, yes.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?

Fucking hello…My mom, brother and sister in law read this blog.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?

Not during, no.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?

Hmmm yeah I’m sure I have…especially when I was with one of those mopeds mentioned above.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN?

Not that I’m aware of. If it did, it didn’t do any good cause I never got pregnant.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?

Hmmmm most of them when I was in my 20’s (that’s the heyday of my 1 night stands)

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?

15 years and 2 months old. I could tell you the date too.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?
Gary Dourdan of CSI. or George Eads of CSI. Think I like the guys on CSI?

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?

Hmmm yeah, actually I do.

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?

I’m always fucking horny.

21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS?

Britt had a great answer and I’m going to concur with her. My answer is the same: “More than I can count on my fingers. Less than how many shoes I own.”

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?

It could be fun for those quickie, hurry up, gotta get to work type deals, but nothing else….

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO?

No, lost track of him years and years ago.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Is this something I should admit too on a blog? Sheeesh yes, I did. It ruined the friendship, I would not advise it.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?

several of the one night stands

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD.

some are good. depends on what they are used for.

27. LINGERIE.

Waste of my money. Wear it for two seconds and it’s gone

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?

Yes, several. But not all at once!

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(x)park
()church
( )cemetery
(x)beach
( )boat
( )school
()parent’s bed
(x)your bed
(x)car
(x)picnic table
(x)kitchen counter
(x)couch/chair
(x)dining room/kitchen table
(x)woods (open and/or in a tent)
( )hood of a car
(x)bathroom
(x)shower
(x)bathtub
(x)the other person’s bed
(x)porch/deck/balcony
()in a house with parents home
(x)at a party
( )on top of the washer/dryer
()with other people in the room
(x)hotel
( )concert
()grandparent’s house
(x)field
(x)bleachers
( )bookstore stock room.
( )linen closet

Would you believe that not one single person pissed me off this week? That’s amazing. A few people here and there irritated me, but nothing to the level of pissing me off.

The Crush irritated me, just because I’m tired of playing games and he’s not willing to NOT play games for a little while longer. So I extracted myself from that situation for now. I’m not getting any younger and the more time I spend playing games, the less time I spend in a healthy relationship. Ya know?

I’m still at home right now, getting ready to go to the dentist and have her remove the stitches from the empty tooth space. It feels weird not having a tooth there. After today, I don’t go see her again until the 30th when I get my root canal.

I don’t have much else to say except if someone pisses me off today at work, I’ll come back and post about it later haha.

Until next time….

Every year, we have Big League Weekend here in Vegas. The last several years it’s been the Chicago Cubs and the Seattle Mariners. I have never gone, yet I’ve always known when the game is and I’ve not really tried to get tickets.

Well the year I WANT to go, I can’t find tickets. I searched eBay and they are asking way to much!!! I’ve checked stubhub and I don’t want to pay 90 dollars for my ticket unless I’m sitting on their laps in the dugout, ya know? Which, in reality, would not be a bad thing if you ask me.

The first game is Friday night the 30th – the day I get a root canal. I can promise you that if I get tickets to this thing, I will be in the ball park with an ice pack on my face watching the game. It’s baseball people! It’s the Mariners and the Cubs!!! WOOT! Only thing that would make this more exciting is if it was the Yankees playing.

I go in tomorrow to have the snitching removed from where they pulled my tooth last week. I need to ask her about the throbbing I’m still feeling there. And this morning after I brushed my teeth, some blood came out. ACK! Is it possible to get a dry socket a week AFTER the tooth has been pulled? *sigh* I’ve been told that it’s excrutiating having a dry socket, so since this throbbing is not excrutiating, maybe it’s not a dry socket? What do you think?

The Crush thinks I’m playing a game. I talked to my best friend TB about it and she thinks it’s because I’m not chasing after him. I’m not persuing him, so for whatever reason in, his ego doesn’t believe that I’m truly interested. Seriously folks, I’ve verbally let him know I’m interested and told him that when he’s ready, call me. I’ve let him kiss me, I’ve kissed him back. I flirt til I turn blue in the face, I really don’t know what else to do. Think I’ll just let it die the way it is and not worry about it. I’m not going to chase him and fall all over myself to get to him.

Blah. Until next time….

There’s a saying that when life hands you lemons, make some lemonade, right? Fuck that. Don’t make lemonade and try to sweeten it up, just cowboy(or cowgirl) up and deal with the shit. Face it head on. That’s one of my new mottos.

I’ve known quite a few people who have battled cancer. Some on the internet, some in my work place and some in GA. It always amazes when there is one person who just takes the challenge and faces it head on. No matter how fearful they are, no matter how much they are hating their situation, they deal with it and move forward.

I’ve never had a life threatening disease. I’ve never had anything that could have killed me. I have no idea what kind of emotions are involved with something like having cancer, let alone getting it twice in a lifetime. Fuck. I have been reading Clusterfook since I started blogging. I was reading her before Clusterfook existed. Lisa is one of my favorite bloggers to read. She’s honest. She’s funny. And she’s one of the strongest women I have ever known of. I don’t know her personally, and I can’t say we are friends. But I can say she is one of my favorite people in the blogging world, just from reading about her everyday life.

Lisa is facing cancer again. She’s having surgery tomorrow. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. If you don’t pray, please send her positive thoughts/vibes/mojo whatever it is you do for positive things. You could also click the link to her blog and send a card. I’ll be shopping for some cards tomorrow after my gym appointment.

Lisa, I know you won’t see this for at least a few days, but I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and will keep you and your family in my prayers. Stay strong, girl. You’ll get through this.

Until next time…

During the first workshop I did several years ago, I did two Lifehouse songs and compared them to how I was feeling in my recovery journey.

The first song I did was Breathing. It’s on their first album No Name Face.

I’m finding my way back to sanity again
though I don’t really know what I’m gonna do when I get there
and take a breath and hold on tight
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

When I first went into GA, I needed to find my sanity. I needed to find something that would let me know that I was OK. I knew I was on my journey of recovery and finding the sanity, but I didn’t know what I would do once I found it.

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don’t want to speak tonight
that’s alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven’s door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah

This part of the song reminded me of when I first went into the meetings, there were certain people (and still are certain people) that I just hang on every word they say. And even if they didn’t want to share that night, it was OK with me just to be in the same room with them and listening to them breathe.

I’m looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I’m
trying to identify the voices in my head
God which one’s you
let me feel one more time what it
feels like to feel and
break these calluses off of me
one more time

I had to look past the shadows into the real me. I had to find the voices and then identify them. I had to listen to them, good and bad, and I realized my Higher Power let me hear the ones I needed to hear when I came into the rooms. The calluses slowly broke off of my mind and my heart throughout working the program.

I don’t want a thing from you
bet you’re tired of me
waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
cause I just want to be here now

I would sit there and just wait for them to give me some pearls of wisdom on how to heal and how to life a happy life. They told me that if I worked the program and kept coming back, my life would be happy, joyous and free. I took them seriously and I have found that my life today is definitely happy, joyous and free. Even with all the drama in my life when it comes to the house or with my dental health or any other drama that occurs in my life. Today compared to 6 years ago is happier. I’m happier today than I ever have been.

I feel healthier, I feel happier and I feel gratitude towards the program and my Higher Power for what I’ve been graced with.

A very good friend of mine did a workshop at the mini convention a few weeks ago. I missed that workshop, due to committing to go to another person’s workshop. Her workshop was called Boundaries Without Guilt.

Since I missed it, I asked her to email me the handout that she used in her workshop. And all I have to say is WOW!!! In this hand out, she included “My Bill of Rights” which I have a copy of taped to my monitor at work.

My Bill of Rights:
I have the right to be treated with respect
I have the right to say no and not feel guilty
I have the right to experience and express my feelings
I have the right to take time for myself
I have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to ask for information
I have the right to make mistakes
I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of
I have the right to feel good about myself
I have the right to act only in ways that promote my dignity and self-respect as long as others are not violated in the process.

Also in this handout she sent me is the definition of a boundary:

Boundary: noun – something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

I’m not going to quote the whole thing in this post, but I will be posting about boundaries again because she did a phenomenal job of doing this.

How to Maintain Personal Boundaries
Ask directly for what you want – this shows who you are to others.
Nurture yourself and your integrity – this creates an inner, intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful, abusive or invasive.
Be objective about others’ behavor toward you without getting caught in their drama
Maintain a bottom line – a limit to how many times you will allow someone to lie to you, to disappoint you, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.
Change the focus of trust from others to yourself – don’t put yourself in someone else’s hands or expect infallibility. Trust that you can allow others to be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy.

I believe it’s vitally important for me to have boundaries and keep them. No matter what. Without feeling guilty for it. When I set a boundary and I do not let anyone cross that line, it shows growth and strength within me.

So to my friend Renee, thank you for sending me this hand out. It’s been informative and helpful for me so far. I’m sorry I missed your workshop on it, I would have loved to have been there.

Until next time….

Something I’ve enjoyed immensely since going into Gambler’s Anonymous was the self awareness I was graced with learning. I learned how to recognize when I start thinking in a self destructive manner. I learned how to recognize when I was in an unhealthy situation and I learned how to extract myself from said unhealthy situation.

I’ve had a habit of putting myself into unhealthy situations and relationships. Whether that be romantic/sexual or friendship. I tend to let people take advantage of me. I tend to let people walk all over me. I really should use this in the past tense because I’ve been working on that tendency to let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I have not let it happen and I’ve been standing up for myself quite a bit more than I ever have.

Once I worked my “mini” step 4 on my relationships with men, I realized in that process that I deserve to be treated with respect. Whether by a lover/boyfriend or a just a friend. I deserve more than the married man who is just looking for some fun for one night. I deserve more than just the booty call every 6 weeks. I deserve more than the friend who sits and tells me all the things I’m doing wrong, but rarely, if ever, encourages me when I’m doing something right. I deserve more than the friend who says anything and everything they can to knock me down. Those are toxic friends for me. I’ve separated myself quite a bit from certain people in my life that do that. Or did that.

Everything in my life is a choice. I choose how my day is going to start and I choose how my day will finish. I don’t have to let anyone rent space in my head. When I do that, I am giving them the control they do not deserve to have over me.

My choices today reflect that of who I am. I make sure that whatever it is I’m doing is the next right thing for ME. As long as I keep my side of the street cleaned up, it doesn’t matter what happens on the other side.

I’ve made a lot of changes since June of last year. I’ve had some surgeries that have helped that along, and kept me in line. I am continuing those decisions. One of those decisions has to do with men. I’m no longer “poaching” and I like how I feel about that. I’m no longer getting into situations that make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Come to think of it, I haven’t gotten involved in any situations other than The Crush’s little game. Which, BTW, has started to make me feel uncomfortable. So guess what? I’ll be extracting myself from it soon (the next time I see him actually.)

I do not have to play games if I don’t want too. I don’t have to get into situations where I feel less than. I deserve so much more and I learned that through the program. I learned that from my Higher Power.

Am I tired of being single? Yes. Am I just plain over the fact I haven’t had sex in almost a year? Yes, I am. But guess what? I can’t change it at the moment and I have no plans to change it anytime soon. It’ll happen when it’s supposed too and I’m so not in control anymore. I have to let it all go to get something back (IMHO).

If you’re wondering, yes….seeing those two people yesterday got me onto this subject in my mind. I’ve been thinking about it and I’m so happy with the way I have changed. I’ve changed in ways no one will ever know. I lost two of my best friends within 2 months of each other and I’m learning how to live without either of them. I lost one to a bad choice and I lost one to death. I grieved for both and I mourned for the loss of the friendship and love I had from them both.

I’m a better person today for having gone through what I’ve gone through. I’m grateful to be who I am. I’m grateful to be where I’m at in life. Even with all the BS with my dental work I need, I’m grateful I’m going to be able to take care of it. I’m grateful for so much today. And that, my friends, is a choice. I choose to be grateful. If I choose to be ungrateful and selfish, I’m right back where I was 6 years ago. No thanks. Not for me today.

Until next time….

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. I woke up quite early to get ready for my gym appointment at 9am. I went to the gym and had a great workout. “E” is really working on getting my cardio levels up cause I suck ass at them. My next appointment is today at 11am (I wanted to sleep in a bit haha).

After the gym, I came home and slept for a few hours with some ice on my face, cause my jaw was still sore/throbbing from the extraction on Thursday. I went to a memorial service for Dale K that I was invited too. Before Dale died, he and his wife sat down and talked about what kind of service (if any) he would want and who he would want there. It was small, quaint and very private. We were instructed to NOT wear black. We were instructed to NOT dress like you were going to a funeral.

Most of the people there were wearing BRIGHT colored shirts and jeans. It was awesome to be there with some of my friends. Dale’s wife had a little display of pictures of Dale when he was younger and throughout his life. It was a great service.

My mood while I was there was marred a bit because of two people who were there. However, the uncomfortable feelings for me dissipated quite a bit as I continued to talk to others that were there. I said hello to them, they ignored me. I said goodbye to them and they ignored me again. At first it pissed me off, fuckers need to get over some shit. Then I thought, ya know what? That’s on them not me and I’m OK with everything that happened almost two years ago. I need to let them do their own thing.

After the service, I came home and put more ice on my jaw and then went to my 6pm meeting. It was a great meeting and I vented about the two people who pissed me off (cause I know that if I hold onto it and not share it, I’ll let a resentment grow) and let all that shit go. A few of us went to eat at Village Pub after the meeting. It was a good time. I enjoy those people’s company a lot.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my boss plays guitar. He has a band. They played last night at a local bar. I went to it after I ate with my friends. Let me just say, my boss ROCKS!!! They were sooooo good!!! They did Kiss, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Motley Crue, Journey, Black Sabbath and a few others.

I was home and in bed by 11:30pm. Now this morning, my jaw is throbbing a bit and I’m hungry so I’m going to go find something to eat and then slowly get ready for my appointment at 11am.

Until next time….