The Soda Stand

Archive for May, 2007

I’m in a very bad place mentally right now. I’ve been wandering this house since about 4pm when I got home. I worked through my lunch hour today because I have not had a GA meeting in awhile and felt I needed one. What I’m about to share is how I was feeling earlier (mostly, some still), not necessarily at this moment.

I’m so glad I did go. This house situation is sucking the life and serenity right out of me and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m so frustrated and angry I can hardly see straight.

Mom is very stressed as well and I think our stress is seeping into the other and it’s driving me batty. I can’t stand being in this house anymore.

My disease (compulsive gambling) tells me to cut and run. Go out and gamble, who gives a fuck? Cut and run ~ quit your job and move to San Diego. Then my little pee size brain cuts in and asks “What about mom?” The disease tells me she’ll be fine and move to Georgia with my brother and SIL. Fuck that.

We got into this situation together and I’m going to make sure we get out of it together. I talked to my sponsor for about an hour after the meeting this afternoon and she helped talk me down quite a bit.

This place has GOT to sell. Soon. Mom and I are going nuts. Let me rephrase that, since I can only speak for myself, *I* am going nuts. It’s taking all the serenity and peace of mind I’ve nurtured for the last 5 years and 10 months. It’s taking all of my strength to not let my disease take over and just say “fuck it.”

We’ve had several people look at this place. We’ve lowered the price several times and it’s listed at far less than #1 what we owe and #2 what it will most likely appraise at. I know it’s a buyer’s market right now. I know that the market sucks ass. I don’t give a fuck about those things, I just want this place to sell.

I want out. I want to get out of this house and have mom and I move on. I want to find a cute little rental house with a pool and enough room for mom and I to co-exist comfortably once again. I want to be able to save some money for travel in the future (I NEED to get back to NYC to see Michelle). There are so many things I want AND need out of this situation.

I need my serenity back. I need my peace of mind back. I need to get out of this house.

I’m glad I’m going back to San Diego in June. Having Lockheed down there will definitely save me money when it comes to hotel and food costs. I need to get outta town for awhile and this past weekend did not do the trick. I need some meditation time. I need some alone time. Going in the middle of the week while he’s at work will be perfect. I will be able to sit around his condo (on his balcony or inside), go to the beach (if I want too), go walk around Seaport Village (if I want too) and meditate and pray.

OK, now before anyone panics and thinks I’m losing it. Remember this is my journal. This is where I go to vent, to express myself and put it on paper (so to speak). Don’t worry, I’m NOT going to go out and gamble. I’m NOT going to say “fuck it” and run. I did have a case of the fuckits earlier today. But I don’t have that feeling right now.

I believe that it doesn’t matter how I feel, it matters what I do with those feelings. I chose to put them here instead of going out and destroying myself.

Until next time…

As I was driving to Target this evening (cause Cox gave me the wrong ended splitter that I needed for the cable modem,) I was channel surfing the radio (like I usually do) and I stopped on one of the country stations KWNR, 95.5. This song came on, I had heard it once or twice before – but never really paid attention to it.

Something clicked in my head. Actually, something clicked in my heart. I found myself singing along and wanting to purchase this CD. I didn’t purchase the CD, Target didn’t fucking carry it. WTF?!?!

The name of the song is Moments. The name of the group is Emerson Drive. You can find the lyrics to Moments, on Emerson Drive’s official webpage. I’m not reprinting them cause I’m feeling super lazy and I’m now listening to their new CD online.

I think my favorite set of lyrics is definitely the chorus. I feel the lyrics in a way I couldn’t begin to explain. On a level of recovery, a level of compassion. OK, I guess I could explain it!

I’ve had my moments
Days in the Sun, moments
I was second to none, moments
When I knew I did what I thought I couldn’t do.

Right after the first Chorus, is a verse that just made me want to cry…

Like that plane ride,
Coming home from the war
That summer, my son was born
Memories, like a coat so warm
The cold wind can’t get through
Looking at me now you might
not know it
But I’ve had my moments

The song is just incredible. If you don’t like country music, just listen anyway, you may change your mind (at least for this one song).

Until next time….

Last night, I watched the first hour of the 24 season finale. Once again, I was on the edge of my seat, as I was most of the season with this show. During the second hour, I watched Heroes instead and would switch to 24 during the commercials.

Heroes had me in tears. I loved every second of it. I loved how Hiro stood up to his father to go save Ando. I loved how Nathan finally believed his brother and was willing to sacrifice himself for the millions. I loved how Nikki and DL were finally reunited with their son. I loved how easy it was for Hiro to kill Sylar (fucker!). I loved how Claire stood up for herself and threw herself from the building to avoid staying with Nathan and her grandmother.

I love how Claire was willing to shoot her uncle to save the world. I hated how there was no closure on what exactly happened to Peter. He can regenerate. So is he dead? I’m thinking Nathan is dead, definitely. But what about Peter? That’s the part that had me crying, right along with Officer Parkman getting shot and Molly asking him not to die because he was her hero.

And then the end scene. Seriously. What has Hiro gotten himself into now? Can’t wait til next season to see what happens and how they are going to work this. Sylars blood was seeping into the sewer. Did he slither away? Was he really dead? Time will tell.

After watching Heroes, I went outside for a smoke and as we were coming back in a flying fucking cock roach came into the house. OHHHH NO that was unacceptable. I first freaked out. Mom grabbed the raid and we hunted that fucker down until we could spray him with Raid until he turned white. And then I stepped on him.

Then I watched the 2nd half of 24. And that was really good. Just have to wait until January to find out what happens with Doyle and Jack and Audrey. What about Josh and Marilyn? Hmmmm so many open endings!!! Bill and Karen? Will they just resign and go quietly into the night? Who is going to run CTU if they aren’t around? Nadja? She was a bit of a wimp, but I think she stood up for things when the time was right for her to do so.

I slept like shit, I kept dreaming that I was in the show Heroes and Jack Bauer was trying to save me. Huh. I was mixing up the shows in my dream and that’s OK, cause Jack Bauer could save me anyday. As long as he has Peter Petrelli helping him! LOL

Now I’m sitting here,all ready for work, but waiting to leave cause I have a dentist appointment at 8am. It’s just to replace a temp crown with a permanent one. Hooray for me. Off to work after that. I didn’t get to go to the station for coffee this morning like I told The Cleaning Lady I would. I’ll make it up to her tomorrow.

Until next time….

I’ve been feeling funky most of the day. I woke up all congested and head coldy (HAHAHA that sounds funny). And then I started feeling pukey this afternoon. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was hungry or if because I was just getting sick.

I just ate some dinner and am hoping the feeling pukey thing is over. So far so good, I’m hoping for the best.

Work went by super fast and I like that! I was very busy most of the day and it helped that IT was working on my computer quite a bit, so I couldn’t do much of anything but organize and file stuff.

I’ve set my dates for when I’m going to San Diego again. I’m going to go down on the 20th of June and stay through the 23rd or 24th – whatever I feel like. Lockheed is going to be dragged to a Padres game most likely. I hope he’s up for it! There will be beer, so I’m sure he’ll be game!

I’m watching the Yankees/Red Sox game right now. I just turned it on and it’s the top of the 4th, Yankees are winning 4 to 0 right now. Let’s see if they can hold this shit up.

I got a message from someone on singlesnet.com. He told me that he and his friends had a bet going at work and they needed my help. They wanted to know if I spit or swallow. I got a giggle and then told him to pound sand. Pretty rude if ya ask me. But at the same time, I was laughin’ my ass off because he actually asked me. That takes some serious balls.

Have you ever noticed the staticy sound on Janet Jackson’s “Someone To Call My Lover”? I’m listening to my iTunes with the Yankees game muted and this song just came on. Weird. I think this is one of my fave Janet Jackson songs ever. I love the video too.

Chloe and Josie are standing at opposite ends of the living room, standing at attention, like they are getting ready to attack. It was really quite cute. Chloe made the first move and has now chased Josie around to the back of the couch. LOL

I’m going to go love on my girls and get them some dinner. I’m excited, Heroes season finale AND 24’s 2 hour finale. I’ll be watching Heroes and recording 24.

Until next time….

MH and I finally got onto I-15 going south towards San Diego at around 3pm on Friday afternoon. It was much later than I anticipated leaving, but that was OK, we were on our way OUT of town.

We finally made it to Lockheed’s a little after 830pm. He had dinner ready for us. BBQ chicken, rice, corn and some salad. YUMMMY. He also had some very cold beers for me! Pacifico was the type of beer, never had heard of it, but it was tasty.

After we ate and sat around chatting for awhile, we watched Casino Royale. Because we all know how hot this new James Bond. Wooweeee his body is rocking.

When we woke up Saturday morning, Lock and I ventured over to Starbucks for some coffee and then went back to his condo for some breakfast. He cooked us scrambled eggs and bacon. YUMMMY.

Once we were fed and showered, we headed on over to Coronado Island (new pictures are in the Flickr badge to your left). We walked throughout the historical hotel and down into their shopping area (we did NOT buy anything). We left there and went over to Seaport Village for a little shopping. WOOT!

I love me some shopping, and bought a few little things. I was quite proud of myself, I didn’t spend all that much and didn’t overextend my budget. We had lunch there at the Village and then headed to Whole Foods for dinner makings.

We drove to the main entrance of Miramar – and Lockheed got some pictures of us in front of the base. My camera battery died while we were at Seaport Village and I didn’t think of picking more up.

After we left Miramar, we went back to his condo and MH took a nap while Lock and I chatted a bit. We watched the Yankees get their asses beat, once again (GRRRRR) and then he started dinner.

He made us some London Broil steaks, mashed potatoes, green beans and a salad. And I forgot to mention, he made some bread too. From scratch. He’s so domesticated.

We ate dinner and watched The Departed (LOVED IT!) and then we watched The Ideal Husband, which was VERY cute and I’ll probably watch it again sometime.

This morning when we woke up, MH and Lock went to Starbucks while I showered and packed up my stuff. MH and I got on the road at about 9:45am and I was home just around 3pm.

It was a GREAT weekend, even though it wasn’t long enough. I’m already formulating a date I can go back down there in June and stay more than just the weekend. I told him while he’s at work I could go shopping, to the beach or whatever. He said I could come back down there anytime.

I miss him! We were roommates many years ago and we always got along fabulously. We had our fair share of drama too. We have a long, loving history and I’m glad I got to reconnect with my friend.

I’ve downloaded pictures on the Flickr badge, I’m downloading some into my Photobucket and I’m doing laundry. The Yankees/Mets game just started so I’ll probably watch a bit of that too.

Until next time….

Today is it. I’m going to San Diego for the weekend. I’m just waiting on MH to get off work and give me a call and then I’ll head on over to get her.

I went to the gym this morning and while I was there, they had a power outage. It lasted about 4 minutes and the they went around telling us all we had to leave “for insurance purposes.” So I went to get my ID (I turn it in every time I go so that I can get a towel) and they lost. They lost my membership ID along with about 24 other member IDs. GAH!

The power came back up right about then, so I told them I wasn’t leaving, cause I wanted to finish my workout (I had only gotten 10 minutes of cardio in at that point). I went to finish the workout. I did 10 more minutes on the elliptical and then 7 minutes on the bike. I did some abs and some hip abductor/adductor things.

I went downstairs to get my ID back and they still couldn’t find it. They told me the next time I come back in, let them know it was lost during the power outage and if they still couldn’t find it, they’ll give me a new one for free. Hooray.

I did the mapquest to Lockheed’s house down there, so I’m good on directions. I hope. If I get lost even with the map (which has happened to me before), I will call him in a panic (which has happened before) and then find it.

I hated the Grey’s Anatomy season finale. I’m going to watch it again next week when I’m not so focused on going to San Diego and see if I like it any better. I didn’t watch the CSI season finale. I may watch that today after taking my shower and while I wait for MH to get off work.

MH’s boss told her last week she could leave at noon today. Guess what? That’s changed. She can’t leave until 2pm or so. *sigh* That irritates the shit outta me when people go back on what they say. Fucking unprofessional and it fucks up my time line. Just sayin.

Until next time….

I’ve been sitting around the house all evening, not doing shit. I’ve done a few bulletin things on Myspace, I’ve done some BOTB on BlogExplosion. I’ve read all my bloglines. *sigh*

I didn’t go to the gym. I came home from work with the intention of eating dinner and then getting up and going. I didn’t go. I ended up painting my toenails and watching CSI.

Now I’m sitting here trying to decide which show I want to watch at 9pm. Grey’s Anatomy or CSI. It’s the season finale for both and we find out who the Miniature killer is on CSI. WOOT! I can’t wait to find out who that is!

I have about 7 minutes to decide. I record both of them each Thursday, so it’s not like I’m going to miss anything.

Work was OK today. The day went by pretty fast. I went to a retirement party at the station I used to work at. It was a good time. I went back to the office after that and left there around 4:30 or so.

It was good to hang out with all the people who still work there. I miss them so much, I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss them. I miss the family atmosphere. I miss the brotherhood/sisterhood of the people that work there. We took care of each other. We looked out for each other.

I don’t have any of that where we’re at now and I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time adjusting (AKA: liking) where I work now. I try to interact with the people and they just throw up these brick walls. I try to befriend them and they push me away. I’m done trying.

I think almost 6 months of trying to do that is enough, don’t you? It’s kind of like a dog. If you kick it enough, it will stop coming around. I guess I got tired of getting kicked, ya know?

Until next time….

Funny, I always wanted to be a monk. LOL

I have not done one of the lists in awhile….here we go!

1. Much bigger breasts. I’d have to agree with that. For years I wanted bigger ones. Then I gained 50 pounds. WTF. I got my boobs AND some extra baggage.

2. A man who calls five times a day. Who wants that to begin with? GAH!!! That would drive me up the fucking wall.

3. The 14-course chef’s tasting menu. Woooweeee I’d be sick!

4. A whirlwind romance. Sounds nice, leaves you whirled.Amen to that! I think I’d find myself dizzy.

5. His name, tattooed on your butt. I just think that’s idiotic anyway. For me. Everyone else can do what they want. I can’t see myself getting the name of someone tattooed on me. Or letting them get my name tattooed on them.

6. Your future, all mapped out for you by a psychic. Well shit, she could be right, ya know!

7. Airplane-bathroom sex. Have never had the desire to try it, so I’ll remember this.

8. The kind of stomach bug that can make you lose seven pounds in 24 hours. Uh, yeah that would suck big time.

9. A winning lottery ticket. Think of Hurley on Lost! As long as I don’t pick 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 I think I’ll be fine (damn, hope I remembered those numbers!)

10. A lover who can last…and last…and last. Hmmm I fail to see the harm in that. Could just be me though. I’ll take their word for it.

11. The cold truth about why your ex left you. Sometimes we all need to hear the cold truth. I’d rather have that then be lied too.

12. Physical perfection—maintenance is a bitch! OH AMEN to that!!!

I had so much work sitting on my desk when I came in. It wasn’t all that bad, it only took me about an hour or so to complete. What gets my knickers in a twist is when I am expected to do everyone else’s job as well as mine.

Damnit, I know I’m bored but I’d like to do stuff that pertains to MY job to not be bored (if that made sense). I don’t want to have to learn your job while I’m doing my job. Fucktards.

I woke up in a fairly decent mood. And then I got to work. It turns out my boss and I are under constant scrutiny and note taking. This means, several of the people here are watching our every move, taking notes and documenting when we leave the building, when we walk into the building, etc etc. Basically, taking our inventory.

First of all, no one here knows what my job entails nor do they know what a Captain’s main function is. They are all civilians who think that commissioned people are stupid. And they also feel that if you don’t have some sort of degree you are an idiot.

My boss and I talked about it today and he said as long as we continue what we are doing (ie: making sure out jobs are getting done) it’s no one’s business when/where we are going when we walk in and out of this building. We work with some snakes in the grass and they are wearing sheeps clothing, my friends.

We also decided they can kiss our asses. We know what/where we are going/doing and it’s really none of their concern. However, knowing the ones keeping track, they will try to make it into something. Oh well. They’ll get over it. Or they won’t and that will be on them.

My day was otherwise uneventful. I’m still feeling a little stressed about the house thing, I know there’s nothing I can do about it so I’m trying to think positive and be patient. I can’t wait until it’s done and we can get out of here. Put this whole thing behind us and move forward.

My brother added a plugin to my blog and I’ve stopped getting 300+ spam comments caught in the Akismet spam folder. YEEEHAWWW!!!!

I’m so stoked for my weekend in San Diego. I’m really looking forward to just getting in my car and driving. I checked out weather.com and it looks like the highs won’t reach more than 72 at any given time. So I’ll be packing jeans, a few of my cute little velour(sp) suits and maybe one or two pairs of shorts – in case we go north and it gets warmer.

It will be fun to see Lockheed again and spend time with him. I have not seen him since like August of last year and that’s entirely tooooooo long!!!

Until next time….