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What’s he trying to say?

I woke up this morning thinking of Todd. This is nothing new, since I think about him all the time. The difference? My usual thoughts are fleeting ones, like “Oh Todd would love that.” or something like “Damn, Todd would have loved this shit!!!”

Today is different. I don’t know what it is and I can’t put my finger on it. I woke up thinking of him and the times we would go to The Big Inning and watch the Buffalo Bills games during football season and then the New York Yankees games during baseball season. He was a Bills fan, while I am the Yankees fan.

My thoughts then went to his death and I got sad all over again. I started missing him and I felt like I got punched in the gut again. It’s difficult to breathe today. I can hardly think of anything else.

So my question is, what’s he trying to tell me? I believe when we think of those who have passed before us constantly like this, that person is reaching out from the other side. Strange? Only for those who have never felt this.

I can’t go to my real life friends because they get impatient with me when I talk about him, even when I’m recounting funny stuff about him. So I lay my soul on the table here, once again. I used to get mad at my friends for not letting me grieve and mourn the way I feel is right for me. I used to get mad because, “who are they to tell me how to grieve and mourn?”

I lost parts of my heart and soul when he died 2 years ago. I can’t understand why my friends don’t get that. But then I think, thinking that of them is the same as them thinking “why isn’t she over it yet?” I guess it’s just the way it goes.

I hold onto my memories of Todd with both fists and I let myself cry when I need to cry. I let myself scream when I need to scream and I let myself miss him as often as I feel it. Which is quite often.

I think it’s time to start packing up my personal stuff here at the office. OY. That will make me sad too.

Until next time…

8 Responses to “What’s he trying to say?”

  • Lucy says:

    I know exactly what you are feeling Soda. I am the same way with my best friend who was murdered when we were 21. She’s been gone for 16 years, but I still occasionally get the punched in the gut feeling as if she had just died yesterday. I’ve found that NO ONE can truly understand what you are feeling unless they have gone through it as well. My friends that never knew her often get impatient when I talk about her and try to work out my feelings, just like yours because they don’t know what its like.

    So, this is ONE real life friend telling you its okay to feel this way and I won’t ever get impatient with you about it. I also believe that when they are on our minds this much they are reaching out for us. You know you can always call me. I understand how you feel. Love you Soda!

  • I just got goosebumps reading this. I do know what you are saying. I have lost someone that meant something to me. Most thoughts are fleeting, and pass just as soon as I think them. Other times I swear I can feel and smell and remember so deeply those times and laughs shared. I bet that Todd is trying to tell you something, and you will figure it out soon.

  • yoshi says:

    It’s crazy, I know what you mean. But I’m of the same belief that they are reaching from the other side as well.

    Who knows what they’re trying to tell you. But deal with your grief the way you want to deal with it. I think everyone is different in handling things like this. No one is the same.

    As for the message, it will probably come to you. Most thoughts come to you easier when you’re not thinking about it so intently. (Easier said than done, i know!)

  • I agree with you that when something like this happens they are reaching out to you. Maybe he’s trying to communicate some love since you have been feeling so topsy turvy lately. *hugs*

  • NYCWD says:

    I feel you on this.

    Do what’s right for you.

    Do what’s right for him.

    Fuck the rest.

  • Fantastagirl says:

    I think you’ll get the “message” when you aren’t looking for it.

    Do what you need to do, to get through the day. I don’t think anyone that has ever lost someone close to them would ever judge you for dealing with it in your own way.

    Agree with NYCWD – Do what is right for you.

  • Well, I agree…let yourself grieve however you’d like to do so.

    And maybe he’s trying to calm you about moving to Kentucky. Maybe it is just that he can tell you are feeling apprehensive about leaving everything that you’ve always known for something new and that while you’re going away from it that you’ll always have the memories of it…good and bad.

  • Sodapop says:

    I just have to say you people rawk my socks. Thank you for all the encouragement and what not. I ended up getting through my day fairly well and not losing my mind LOL I still thought about him all day long, but it wasn’t overwhelming like it was at first. Thanks again and I PPH you guys.