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Archive for December, 2007

How can this happen?

I’ve complained about the way I sleep. A lot. I don’t sleep well most nights and so when I get a night of sleep like I got day before yesterday, I’m in heaven.

However, when I get sleep like I did last night, I complain and whine. I was still awake at 2am because I could not sleep and every time I went to try to sleep, I would go into another panic/anxiety attack and start crying. When I would start crying, I couldn’t breathe. And when I couldn’t breathe, I’d panic some more. This was happening from midnight until about 230 or so.

I finally calmed myself down around 2:30 and fell fitfully asleep. I woke up every half an hour to 45 minutes. I got up out of bed at 8:30 because I was tired of fighting it. Once I get all my errands and chores done today, I’m going to catch a short nap before Miss Monique gets here. That way, I won’t fall asleep around 9pm tonight LOL

I don’t know why I went into the anxiety last night. There is nothing MORE on my mind than there has been the last few weeks. Get a job, make money, get a job, make money. I had actually thought I was beginning to calm down from this stress and just totally lost it last night.

Today is a new day. Tomorrow is a new year. It will be better tomorrow.

I talked to my friend LL the other day, who mentioned some was upset I did not send him a Christmas card. She said he was moping around when he found out that a few people got one from me. Poor baby. So I sent him an email and wished him a Happy New Year. Hope that eases his bruised ego. *smirk*

Off to finish my chores and what not.

Until next time…

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Where did this day go?

Let me just say I can NOT believe it is after 4pm already. I have pretty much done nothing today. I took the girls for their first walk, I’ve watched some TV, some football, The Outsiders and part of Red Dawn. I’ve taken a shower, but still need to dry my hair before taking the girls on their second walk.

I’ve been up since 730 this morning and I have NO idea where the day went. Oh and I also did a little cleaning up so that my place is prepared for Miss Monique’s arrival tomorrow afternoon. I’m quite looking forward to her visit. With Miss Laci being out of town, I don’t have any friends to visit me or to visit. I do need to jump start the GA meetings thing again. Seems it’s too easy to get lazy and not go. There’s a meeting scheduled for Thursday that I will go to. Tomorrow night’s meeting has been canceled due to it being in a church and said church closing for the holiday.

My girls are confusing me. I don’t quite know what to think of it either. They have started pooping everywhere. They poop in front of the TV, in the hallway, in my bedroom and in the 2nd bedroom. I have NO clue why this started, I have not started doing anything differently with them. When I leave, Chloe goes in the crate and gets some cookies. When I am home, they roam the apartment freely.

The only thing I can think of is that a few weeks ago, I blocked off the 2nd bedroom to them because they had started pooping and peeing in there. Well then we went to Georgia. When we got back from Georgia is when they started this. I’m confused. Don’t know what to do. If I could catch them at it, I’d beat their ass and guarantee they wouldn’t do it again. But they do it when I’m not looking, in the bathroom, sleeping, etc. OY!

I’m going to go watch some more of the 24 marathon that is on WGN again.

If you’re ever in the need for one, check out the used Cisco systems I found online. Boring stuff for me since I’m not a network-y type person! ya know?

Until next time….

Story of survival

I was watching ESPN earlier and did you know that Chris Connolly (spelling could be wrong) from MTV is now reporting for ESPN?   How strange is that?  But I digress.

The story Chris was reporting was that of the Uruguay rugby team, the Old Christians, whose plane crashed in the Andes on their way to Chile for a rugby match.  They were stranded in the Andes for 60 some days.   They survived by eating the flesh of their dead teammates.

Two of the survivors, Nando Parado and Roberto Canessa walked out of the Andes to get help.   They came a cross a farmer who got them the help they needed.  35 years later, the team of survivors (16 in total) have “adopted” the farmer and even helped him get a hip replacement he needed earlier this year.

They were rescued 35 years ago last week.  There was a book written and a movie produced.   I’ve read the book and watched the movie countless times.   The movie is one of my favorite movies of all time.   It’s kind of morbid, but it shows the teamwork and affection the teammates had for each other.  Ethan Hawke plays the role of Nando Parado while John Malkovich plays the narrator of the story, Carlitos Paez.

As I was watching the story on ESPN, I cried.  Again.   I think I’ve cried every time I’ve seen the movie or heard their story.  Friendship.  Dedication.  Survival.  Compassion.  All in a days work for them.

Some of the sons of the survivors have gone on to play rugby and for the first time in 17 years, the Old Christians won the title of the tournament.   The surviving teammates recently played the match against the Chile team they were supposed to 35 years ago.

Until next time…

Let’s make some history!

I’m a football fan. Actually, I just like sports, period. I was watching the Giants/Patriots game last night. I like the Giants. I’m actually a huge Packers fan and they are my #1 team. But there are several other teams I like due to the way they play the game and/or they have hot team members. I started following the Giants when Jason Sehorn was a part of their team and I haven’t stopped.

I digress. I was watching the game last night, kind of holding my breath. The Pats have been ON FIRE this season and they were on the brink of making history. I was excited for them. Although I was CHEERING for the Giants, I kind of had a feeling the Pats would win anyway. Throughout the first three quarters it appeared the Giants were going to keep Tom Brady and Randy Moss from making history. I didn’t care if Moss made history or not. Don’t really care for him. Tom Brady deserves to make history though and I was slightly sad. And then something changed.

In the fourth quarter, the Giants committed the first turnover/interception in the entire game. Eli under threw the ball to one of the Pats defense. Ooops. The game from there on out was ALL Patriots and Tom Brady. Randy Moss made history. Tom Brady made history. The Patriots made history.

Now let’s see if they can make it to the Bowl and keep that perfect record for the entire season. Intimidating for the other teams, don’t ya think?

I’m under the impression I’m awake too early on a Sunday. However, I was in bed for 9 hours or so and it’s natural for my body to wake up after that long in bed. Notice I didn’t say I slept for said 9 hours. LOL I did sleep pretty well last night though. Better than I have in awhile, which makes me feel better.

I’m drinking my morning coffee, watching Sportscenter and getting ready to go check out the Sunday paper that the newspaper person left halfway down the stairs. Lovely.

One of these days, I’m going to be financially well off enough to have a second home somewhere exotic and tropical. I’m just saying.

Until next time…

Growing pains

I was taught in GA that we can’t grow spiritually without some growing pains.   I’m experiencing them now.   Right now.   Right this second.

I just got off the phone with my sponsor back in Vegas and she said something to me, which made me really think hard and I realized a few things.   I realized I forgot to ask my Higher Power for direction.   I forgot to ask for guidance.   I’ve taken care of that now.   I’m going to be putting it in my God Box that I have.   Actually, my friend Renee made me this God box.  It’s purple and has cross stitching all over it.  I PPH it.   I’m going to write my question for Him and put it in my God box and let it go.

I know that I’m doing OK here.  I know that I made the right move.  I’m letting my fear engulf me and I don’t like it.   I’m letting that fear paralyze me into a depressed state and some days are easier than others for me to see this.

Today is one of those days I see it, I recognize.  Now I just called it out and I need to deal with it.   I’ll deal with it by Letting Go and Letting God.   I’ll deal with it by putting it in my God box and walking away.

After the new year, most likely January 2, I am going to get my phone book out, put my business suit on, make some copies of my resume and walk my ass into some temp employment agencies in this town.   I will have a job by the end of week.  Whether temporary or not, at least it will bring some income my way and it will hold me over until I get a more steady, full time job.   I’ve sent my resume online to these agencies, but nothing has come of it, so I’m going to go meet them face to face.  Harder to ignore this bitch when she’s standing in front of you.

There is a solution to every single problem I encounter.  I just have to choose to find it, rather than wallowing in the problem.   I’ll get to where I’m going.   Stepping out on faith and learning to live with these growing pains.

Until next time…

2008 meme

I grabbed this from Tense Teacher.    I thought it look interesting, so I decided to snag it!

The Year 2008 Meme

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Uhhh yeah.  Unless something happens on Monday so that I get hired by the 1st.  LOL

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I will remain open for one, yes.  I don’t think I’ll seek one out though.

3. New house?
I will be looking for a new apartment or condo to rent.

4. What will you do differently in ‘08?
Eat healthier, start working out again and try to quit smoking again.

5. New Year’s resolution?
I listed them in a post yesterday or day before.  Go check it out.

6. What will you NOT be doing in ‘08?
I will not stop going to GA meetings; I will not lose contact with my friends in Vegas.

7. Any trips planned?

I’d love to plan a vacation.   I don’t know if I will be able to, with the job situation being so uncertain.  I’d love to go to NYC again or the Bahamas.

8. Wedding plans?

9. Major thing on your calendar?
I have nothing on my calendar as of right now

10. What can’t you wait for?
Finding a fucking job

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
Find my happiness and my “center” in this new place I’m trying to call home.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
See my answers above.

13. What happened in ‘07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
I moved from the town I grew up in and lived in for 38 years.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
If that’s possible, sure.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in ‘07?
Probably not

16. Will you better your relationship with your family?
I think they are pretty good already.

17. Will you do charity work?
I’ll most likely do the Blogathon again this year.

18. Will you go to bars?

19. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I already am nice to people I don’t know.  Unless, of course, they are ignorant asshats.

20. Do you expect ‘08 to be a good year for you?

Thank goodness it’s over!

Christmas shopping is done for another year! YAY! Although I tend to get my shopping done sooner rather than later, I dislike shopping for Christmas gifts.

I never know whether to use my credit cards or cash. I have a bad habit of NOT paying off my credit cards each month, so the debt builds up, ya know? I sometimes look for the best loans to maybe consolidate the debt. Although the debt is currently NOTHING like it was before I left Vegas, it still makes me a little uncomfortable.

Each year, after Christmas, I tighten the purse strings, as well as the credit card strings and buckle down for the next 10 months or so. And then in those 10 months, I begin the shopping thing allllll over again! Go figure!

As we wait another 6-10 months to do our Christmas shopping for next year, I will continue debating on whether to use my credit cards or cash for said shopping.

Until next time…

Turning fear into faith

I woke up this morning still feeling a little blue. Not as much as I was feeling yesterday after the interview, but still blue. I feel completely out of sorts and unlike the person I truly am. Logically, I know it will work out and I will find a job and I will be fine. Emotionally, my fear of being homeless and sleeping in my car because I can’t find a job engulfs me at moments. There. Now that I’ve put my fear in writing, maybe it won’t seem so all-consuming to me.

I pray every morning, I ask my Higher Power to give me courage, wisdom, serenity and strength to get through this day. I pray every evening, thanking Him for bringing me through another day. I will get there. I want to make it work here and I want to be happy here. My fear is a horrible thing. I need to replace my fear with faith and keep doing what I’m doing.

I talked to my friend LL back in Vegas last night. She had emailed me and when I responded, I basically let loose how I was feeling and this made her call me to check on me. She talked me down a bit and encouraged me and suggested I actually WALK into a temp agency. Who woulda thunk it. Actually to WALK into a temp employment agency? January 2, I will be doing just that with my resume in hand.

Have you ever heard of a plasma cutting tool? I have never, in my life heard of this. What exactly is it? I’ve been browsing their website and I still can’t figure it out. Obviously, it’s something I’m not supposed to know.

I’ve been doing a lot of crosswords and I’m such a dork with it, I have my HUGE Crossword Puzzle Dictionary with me and my regular Webster’s and a Thesaurus to help me out on the stuff I don’t know. I figure the more puzzles I do, the smarter I’ll get. Right?

I have something else on my mind, just some drama that I’m not involved in (again, thank God!) but I don’t know that I want to blog about it. God forbid I blog about someone or something that effects a reader. Knowing Sodapop the way I do, I’ll probably blog about it later today once I get my thoughts in order.

Until next time….

New Year resolutions

After I went grocery shopping earlier, I sat on the couch and did not move for 2 hours.   I was hoping to fall asleep and catch a nap, but I didn’t.   And then my downstairs neighbors left and their puppy was locked in the kitchen.   Have you ever heard anything more pathetic than that?  LOL  That poor little thing was just crying and whining.   And it echoed all the way up here.  He/She has finally settled down for right now, and I’m thankful.  Poor thing gets my girls all worked up too.

I think everyone knows that I love shoes.  I talk about my shoes often and I’m quite proud of my shoe collection.   I’m also working very hard at NOT adding to said collection until after I have a job, at least.  I found some great Goex shoes and boots that look interesting.  I like the boots more than the regular shoes.   I also found some interesting Josef Seibel shoes at the same website.

I’ve decided to make a few New Year’s Resolutions this year.   I normally don’t make them because I’ve just either not been all that committed to making the changes or I just didn’t care that I was breaking the Resolution.   I just stopped making them.  So, for the first time in close to a decade, here are my NY Resolutions:

  • Find a job and then find a place to live where I feel comfortable and safe (unlike this place)
  • Find a good doctor to figure out what (besides depression) is going on with my health.  I’m tired of not feeling like myself and feeling blue and depressed all the time
  • Continue going to GA meetings as much as possible
  • Eat healthier (even when I’m feeling blue)
  • Try to quit smoking again (if at first you don’t succeed…..)
  • Get all of my old poetry together in one place (I don’t know why this is suddenly important to me)
  • Start school in March and kick ass at it
  • Be nicer to myself and stop beating myself up so much when things are not going the way I “expected” them too.

There you have it.

Until next time…


Do you want to know what happens when you go grocery shopping when you are hungry AND depressed?  You buy food you normally don’t eat (anymore).   I bought a big family size box of Cocoa Pebbles.   I have not eaten them in awhile now and I have tried to stick with the healthier cereals, ya know?   Ugh.

The job interview went pretty well, but the process is too slow for my liking.  The next step of the process will be the psych test and that’s not until the end of January.  After that, I’ll be scheduled for a polygraph and drug screening.  In mid February.

I have another interview on January 9th for the PD and I know that process will not be any quicker than this one is.   It’s irritating and frustrating and frightening.   Not having a job is starting to scare me.   After I got home from the interview, I got online and sent my resume to about four different places here in town.   Time to step up the private sector job hunt.   This public/civil service shit is going to be the death of me.

I tried to take a nap earlier, but couldn’t sleep.  That’s when I went grocery shopping.  I got some water and my dr. pepper.  I also got some more hot chocolate, just so it lasts.  I got my bread and few other things.   I’m bored right now.   I’m going to go watch General Hospital and wonder why Sonny keeps chasing this bitch Kate.   And I’m also going to wonder why Jason cut his hair.

Until next time…