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Soothing the soul

It’s amazing how hot chocolate can make me feel better after a few sips.  Even when I burn my tongue, like I almost always do, it soothes me and makes me feel comforted.

I worked most of the afternoon on the manual and some data entry stuff I had to do.  I’m meeting the Boss Lady tomorrow at around 2pm to go over what I have and get my 2nd paycheck!

There is a mini conference in Lexington this weekend.  Much like the one I’m helping plan for here in the Ville in June.   A few people had invited me to ride with them and at the time they asked, I said yes.  Well in the last week I had changed my mind because it’s like $30 for the day of the conference.  And I just can’t justify that expense. 

I received a phone call today from the person who is going to be driving, we’ll call him JC.  JC tells me that they still want me to go, they understand my situation and the three people I’ll be riding with are pitching in to cover my expense for the conference.  There will be free food and drink there, so I won’t starve to death.   I’ll be meeting them Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. and will be in Lexington all day for that conference.

I started crying while I was on the phone with JC.  It was just so nice and he wants me to bring copies of my resume with me that morning so they can “shake the bushes” of people they know to see what they can dig up for me.  It made me feel very good knowing these people, who barely know me, are willing to help me out this way.   I love the GA fellowship for exactly this reason.  When a fellow member is hurting and going through trouble, they stand up and help that member stand up and do what needs to be done.  I PPH them.

I’ve been feeling very blah and unmotivated today.  I hate it when I get like this.  Even with my medication I still get a little depressed.  I have another doctor’s appointment on the 7th and I may ask her about a different medication.   It’s been almost a month since I’ve been on this one and I just don’t think I should be getting as down as I have been.  But then again, it could also be my situation that upsets me and that gets me down quite easily.   I do have to say that since I’ve been back on the meds, I have felt TONS better and I don’t stay within that void of depression like I did before being on the meds.

Logically, I know that I’m not a failure.  I know that I am courageous and strong and brave.  Logically, I know that I did something some people can only dream about and I’ve survived 4 months on barely any income (paid posts don’t pay much, ya know).   I’ve moved cross country.  I’ve ventured out and spread my wings away from family and friends.  I have NEVER in my life lived further than 10 miles away from my mother in my entire life.  Except when I spent 3 weeks in the Navy, which is a completely different story for a different day.

Emotionally, I’m a wreck.  I feel like a failure and I feel like I’m a wimp and a baby.  Emotionally I feel lost and unsettled.   Emotionally I feel like there is no way out of this. 

These feelings and emotions, are the reason I’m continuing my fight to make it work here.  I’m still sending my resume out (I sent it out 3 times today to different places – Humana, Norton Healthcare and a 3rd employment agency.)   I’m not giving up.  I won’t give up.  

I committed to myself to stick it out here for a year, and that’s what I’m going to do.  Whether I get a job I like or not.   Whether I get a day shift, weekends off job or not, I’m sticking it out.   I committed to it, I’m doing it.   I will work at Kohl’s or some other department store for as long as I have too, if need be.   I’m giving my resume out there 2 more weeks and then I’m going hunting in the malls.

Until next time….

4 Responses to “Soothing the soul”

  • Tracy says:

    I know you’re having a rough time of it lately, but you’re going to pull through just fine. Sounds like you are getting to know some great people.

    Oh and thank you for the “text” support this afternoon. I felt so much better — and guess what?? He’s on his way home! YAY!!!!

  • Jen says:

    Isn’t amazing how chocolate will soothe the soul!? Even if you have to work at a crummy job until you find something that is up your alley, you’ll get through it and it will be worth it in the end!

  • Rita says:

    Hot chocolate is great for the blues. Especially when I take it with Prozac. 🙂 Try that one if you want some other med to take. I have been on it for 2 years and I am not as moody as I was before. Good luck and our thoughts are with you.

  • Sodapop says:

    Tracy: thanks hon. I’m just praying and crossing all my pieces parts. I’m trying to remain positive, but it’s difficult at best. 😀 You are very welcome! Anytime you need “text” support, you let me know!

    Jen: yes it is amazing how chocolate does that! LOL *hugs*

    Rita: Thanks hon 😀 I’ll see how I’m feeling next week when I go to the doctor.