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Archive for July, 2008

It’s almost Friday!

SQUEEEE! It’s almost Friday! I love Fridays. Especially when they are payday Fridays!!! Although most of my check is spent on rent and bills, I’m just happy to get the check so I CAN pay those bills and the rent. Ya know?

Miss Monique is back in the hospital. This makes me sad. I worried all day about her. I talked to her this afternoon and she’s OK, she’s going to be fine! They are going to keep her over night again and hopefully she’ll get cut loose tomorrow. Here’s to sending prayers and positive thoughts that way, mmkay?

I just got off the phone with a friend in Vegas. Her 35 year old son (her only son) overdosed and died earlier this week. She is devastated. She and her husband are on their way to New Mexico to make the arrangements and what not.

Both the Manager and the Trainer are off tomorrow. Manager Lady has been on vacation the last two weeks. She comes back Monday. The Trainer is now on vacation for two weeks.

I need to get some pet supplies for the girls. We are almost out of food and I could use some more chew toys so they don’t chew up my stuff anymore!

I’ve been invited to a jewelry party. WHEEEE This makes me happy because maybe I’ll start making friends outside of work and outside of GA. Ya know? I need friends. Miss Laci works a totally different shift than I do, so we don’t get to spend much time together. She is my only “girl” friend in the area. I haven’t really bonded with other women here, until my job in Lexington and Boston Girl. But I haven’t talked to Boston Girl in WEEKS. I’m a bad friend.

Seriously.

I got nothing else.

Until next time…

What makes you walk away?

I had a great day at work.  Although it dragged ass in the afternoon, I feel like I accomplished a lot and I learned something new.  I like days when I learn something new AND I feel comfortable doing it right away – because I “get it.”

I went to a meeting tonight.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I ALWAYS try to make a meeting on my actual abstinence date.  I realized there were two years I did NOT get to a meeting on my actual date, because I was in Anaheim watching the Yankees one year and San Diego watching the Yankees the next.  See a pattern there?

The meeting was awesome.  The topic was the first step.  I like the first step.  That’s where it all started for me “We admitted we were powerless over gambling – and that our lives were unmanageable”  L.O.V.E. it!

After the meeting?  This is where things went south.  Quickly.  Crazy lady from the conference workshop debacle and the earlier in the year phone call accusing me of not being friends with her cause she’s a lesbian.  *le sigh*

A little back story (to remind you or for newer readers).  When I first moved here, I didn’t know a lot of people.  This person, we will call her CC, called me one day and asked me to be in her support group.   She and her partner had just broken up (oh, BTW, her partner is in GA as well) and she was struggling with stuff.  I said sure, she could call me anytime.

She never really called me and I went into a selfish mode, dealing with my own shit that was happening around me.

One day as I was driving to Lexington for work, she called me and confronted me on the fact I never called her, I did not respond well when she had reached out me, etc etc.  I did apologize for that, I told her I was going through a really selfish time in my life and trying to find my way.  She then went into this rhetoric about maybe I felt weird or that I had to “choose” between being friends with her and being friends with her partner.  I told her that was not it.  She then said that because of the church I attend, she felt I did not befriend her because she is a lesbian.  I laughed at her.

I’m sure that’s not what she was looking for.

We moved on from that and I asked her to take part in the workshop I was working on.   She said she would and then became this stalker bitch from hell.  I was sick the week I ask her to help me with it.  She called me one night at like 10pm, while I was sleeping.  I told her I would call her back (this was Memorial Day weekend) and I forgot to call her back.

That Monday (Memorial Day), she called me at 11pm AND midnight.  She left the NASTIEST voicemail on my phone, telling me she didn’t know what to think, she was offended, she was confused, blah blah blah.  Basically, she dressed me down for calling her.

I called her the next morning and got her VM.  I left her a message, apologizing for not calling her back like I said I would and then asking her not to call me that late at night ever again, I felt it rude and disrespectful.

We didn’t speak of the matter again.  Until tonight.  Oh, I almost forgot she had called me yesterday, to “check” on me because she had not seen me at meetings lately and she was just concerned.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Whatev.  I ignored the message.  I did not call her back.

Tonight after the meeting, she approached me and basically tried to dress me down again about not being her friend outside of the rooms and then had the fucking balls to ask if I was “involved” with her ex.  She did not explain what “involved” meant, but I assured I was not.

I then told her I just didn’t want to be her friend outside of the rooms.  I feel our personalities clash too much and I felt it better for both of us if we only fellowship in the rooms.  She then started taking my inventory by telling me that since I have “7 years of recovery” that I should be more responsive when a fellow GA member reaches out to me in crisis.

I told her that the night in question, she did not SOUND like she was in crisis for anything other than to bitch at me for not calling her back.  Which I had already apologized for.

We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes and I seriously thought she was going to hit me.  She then told me she does not want me to hug her or talk to her after meetings.  I said absolutely, I will not do that again.  She then just stared at me, pursing her lips.

I asked her what she was looking for with this conversation.  I asked her what the purpose was?  Was she looking for another apology?  She’d be waiting a long time because I only apologize once, which I have already done.  She then said I should be not so cuntish towards GA members in crisis.

I looked at her, a little cross eyed I’m sure, and walked away.  My temper was ROARING.  I was so angry, I was shaking.

Here’s what I need to remember.  She’s sick.  She is a compulsive gambler.  Some are sicker than others.  Some of us compulsive gamblers are so busy looking at other people’s defects of character, they fail to see their own.  I was there once.  I just happen to NOT be there right now.  She IS there.

She is living in a world I can not comprehend.  Nor do I want to comprehend it.   She is toxic for me.  Until she starts looking in her own mirror, and taking ownership of her own faults, I can not help.   I tried to help her to get there once.   She was not receptive.  Hopefully she finds the help she needs.

My sponsor in Vegas always tells me to pray for people who I do not like.  I am going to pray for CC tonight.  I will pray she finds the acceptance and grace of God that I have found.   I will pray she sees the truth of her actions, no matter what that truth is.

Until next time…

Two wonderful things today

I was honored, once again, by NYC Watchdog. Remembering to stop and smell the roses as I speed through life is sometimes difficult and just not happening. Dawg reminds me to do this. Thanks, Dawg :)
You Are The Beary Best

Not only did I get THAT awesome award above, but today is my seven year anniversary without making a bet! WHEEEEE

Hi, my name is Sodapop and I’m a compulsive gambler. It’s only through the Grace of God I’m here today. I’m very grateful to be here. My last bet was July 29, 2001.

Those words are spoken (minus the Sodapop and plus my real name) at every meeting I go to that I share in. Every meeting, I introduce myself as a compulsive gambler. This way? I never, ever forget where I came from.

I walked into my first GA meeting on Monday, July 30, 2001. I have not had to go back out there and “test” the waters to see how bad it still is for me. I have not had to relapse. I’m eligible to do this. I’m as close to my next bet as the newest member of GA when they make their first meeting. I just choose NOT to gamble today.

Seven years without sitting at a poker machine. Seven years without playing any kind of raffle or buying a lottery ticket. I have not participated in radio contests. I have not entered myself into any type of sweepstakes.

Seven years ago today, I felt like my world was crashing around me. I was tired. I was tired of being sick and tired. I was despondent. I did not know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I needed to quit gambling. I needed to stop doing what I was doing, expecting different results.

It was a Monday night 7 years ago. My aunt on my dad’s side walked me into my first GA meeting. I walked into that meeting with one expectation; I would never have to gamble again.

And then I learned I didn’t have to think of it as in “forever” or “never.” I didn’t have to think to myself “I will never gamble again.” I just had to think of it in terms of “I do not have to gamble today.”

I was an escape gambler. I would gamble to escape loneliness. I would gamble to escape real emotional connection with other people. I would gamble if I was happy, sad, depressed, in between. I would just gamble to escape. I started going almost everyday near the end there. I didn’t want to live life on life’s terms. I did not want to deal with the emotions I had raging inside of me.

Today, it’s a different story. Today, I’m a different person. I’m constantly growing and learning. There seems to be an evolution of Sodapop every six months or so. And the end result always seems to be better than before.

I have a tradition that I have upheld the last seven years. Today is my date of abstinence, we are having a celebration meeting (I get to get my grub on!) on Friday, however, I’ll be making a meeting tonight. Whether I’m recognizing on a different day or not, I ALWAYS make a meeting on my abstinence date.

I will keep reminding myself this is NOT a graduation (as I remind myself every year) and I will keep growing. As long as I remain teachable, there is no limit on how I will grow and heal.

Thanks for letting me share.

Choices, choices.

After work today, I headed over across the Kennedy bridge to southern Indiana.  There is an apartment complex there I’m interested in and I wanted to see it for myself.   When I chose this apartment, I did it all online, without having seen the place before moving in.

This move will be different, I can promise you that.

I went across the bridge DETERMINED to make sure I’d be saving money if I moved over there.  I mean shit.  I’ll have to register my car AGAIN in a different state and I’ll have to get a new driver’s license, AGAIN, in a different state.  The apartment complex had better be made of gold to get me to move out of another state.  Ya know?

I got there and it’s WAY WAY WAY far back in the corner of some…..woods.   Yeah.  Woods.   Ironically, that word is in the title of the complex.  Fitting, for sure.

I walked into the office and there was a young lady there (probably 10 years younger than me – so I’m trying not to call her a “girl”).   The lady and I discussed where I am living now, what I’m looking for and I made sure to tell her I don’t want my front windows or back windows facing west.  Period.  Not acceptable.

After getting home, I did a comparison spreadsheet on my current budget and what it would be like IF I were to move there.

I did this twice.  I did it once for the 2 bedroom townhome they have and then again for the one bedroom apartment they have.

If I go for the 2bd TH, I’d save $122 on RENT ALONE.   And if I go for the one bedroom, I’d be saving $192 a month.  On RENT ALONE.   Gold, my friends.  Gold.

I am going to look around at a few other apartments here in the Ville before moving across the river, but I really liked that complex.

I am also going to be giving up the washer/dryer in the unit.  This costs me $40 here and then it would cost anywhere from 30-50 up there.  The lady couldn’t remember the exact price and she was just sitting in for the regular manager.

Tomorrow after work, I’m going to hit another one in southern Indiana and see what’s up with it.  I have a shitload of apartments to look at this next month.

It feels like it’s 100 degrees or more here in my apartment right now.  Want to know what I did?  I hung up a dark blanket over the top three quarters of my blinds over the glass door.  Yup.  I hung a blanket over my sliding glass door.  Think I care?  Not at the fucking moment.  Is it total white trash?  Possibly, but it will keep it COOLER in this apartment as we head towards the weekend and 98 degrees plus humidity.

I’m going to go play some Combo Pop on Crackbook (if it lets me log in) and zone out for a bit.

Until next time…

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

post title from In The End – Linkin Park

Those are the lyrics I’m listening to right now.  No worries, the title does not go with this post.

After yesterday’s long as day, I started thinking about how that extra hour of OT will look nice on my check.  I get 2 hours OT every pay period anyway and that one extra hour will look nice.   I’m going to be talking to The Trainer today about maybe doing some more OT this pay period, I have a lot that needs to get done and with all the daily stuff, don’t know if it will get done this week.   Payroll weeks are busy, hectic and time consuming.  Some of the stuff is hard, while the other stuff is just repetitive and takes up a lot of time.

I slept like shit last night.  I was hoping I’d sleep better.  I went to bed just around 9:15 and 5 minutes later, I received a text from Miss Monique! She let me know the surgery went well (which I knew cause her mom had called me) and that she had taken her first walk!

They waste no time in getting you up and out of bed after surgery.  I know this from experience, the only difference with me is that I never went on a walk in the hospital.  My iron levels dropped horrendously and they kept me 3.5 days, instead of just 2 like we had planned.  Whatev.  And then they made me not only poop but I had to EAT something.  I had to eat solid foods and hold them down before they would let me go.  I don’t think I had an appetite for days after my surgery.

I’m showered and dressed, sitting here watching the clock.  I need to dry my hair and I’m skipping make up today cause I just don’t feel like wearing it.   Although, if I did decide to wear some, it would take me just a few minutes cause I don’t wear a lot to begin with.

Juniper sent me a letter, offering some terms.  I’m going to read them and see what I want to do.  I got the letter yesterday and was entirely too tired to look it over and make a decision.   Even if I accept their terms, I might go to the credit counseling anyway.   We’ll see.  I need to collect all my latest statements and what not, just so I’ll have em when I contact the service.

I hope you all have a great day!  I’ll update Miss Monique’s blog tonight, I’m sure I’ll hear from her at some point today.  Whether she texts me or I text her, I will have an update tonight!

Until next time…

I knew it was only a matter of time…

before I cracked the hard, surly, down right rude shell of The Trainer.  I KNEW it!  Manager Lady is on vacation, so it was just Trainer and I today for payroll.  We had two others helping us do the calculations, and then one girl helping with the keying into the software system we use.

This was my second time doing the keying/entry of the information for payroll.   I only made 3 errors out of about 250 entries.  Not too bad, if I do say so myself.  And yes, I am stroking my own ego.

I got to the office at 6am and immediately started the calculations on my one district that I have (about 230 people).   As I was doing this, The Trainer kept walking back to me looking like she was ready to explode.  Literally.  The computers were going super slow for the keying/entry and she and the other girl had been kicked out of the system several times.  I let her vent as much as she needed.

Payroll is a stressful day for all of us.  Especially for her.  I figured she wasn’t venting or fussing ABOUT me, just to me.

After I finished my calculations, I did the keying/entry on my district and then about 20 people from another district.

We FINALLY finished the keying at around 1pm.  Once we are done with the keying, we email payroll downtown and they send us and “edit.”  It’s a 32 page report with all of our payroll information on it.

Once we get that report, one person (the trainer) reads off of it and the other (that’s me) confirms the information on the timesheets we’ve calculated.

We got the edit at around 1:30 or so.  Now, let me tell you the edit takes LONGER than the calculations.  It took four of us 5 hours to calculate, 2 hours to key/enter.  Would the edit take that long?

There were TONS of things the lady downtown wanted us to correct before we even started the edit.  *le sigh*

At this point, The Trainer was so overwhelmed, I just kept my voice calm and soothing and talked her through it.  I said “uh-huh” and “I completely understand” AT LEAST 10 times in the first hour.  LOL  I have no idea how many times I said it after that.

We finished our edit and corrections and sent it to the lady downtown.  She said to go ahead and “approve” it and then if we needed a “late” correction, we would do it in the morning.   We did that and then went back over the “new” edit and what corrections we made.  We only have 2 that need to be “late” in corrections.  Not too bad if I say so.

We walked out of the office together at 5pm.   OH and did I mention we did not have a cigarette from 1pm until about 4:30 when we finished the first edit?  To say we were both a little cranky is an understatement.  LOL

At the end of the day, The Trainer and I are buddies.  This is a good thing.  She loses her shit faster and more times than anyone I have ever met in my life.   However, she no longer loses her shit about something I’ve done.  So I’m quite happy about that.

I ate dinner and I’m now having a Rolling Rock beer and relaxing.  I’m pooped.  Early to bed for me tonight.

Until next time…

It’s just too fricking early!

I was just talking to my dogs (no, they do not answer me – thank goodness).   I was telling the girls I do not want to go to work so fricking early!!!

I went to bed at 9pm last night, didn’t really fall asleep until about 10:30 and here I am – awake.  I did, however, snooze the alarm a few too many times.  Thank goodness I took a shower yesterday afternoon after church.

I’m currently sitting here watching the clock constantly.  I have to leave here at 5:20 to get to work at 6am.  I still need to do my hair and put my make up on.  LOL  Procrastinate much?

I thought I’d post the answers to my musical meme the other day.  You know, the ones Tense and Monique did NOT guess.  Here they are:

#1 – Losing my Way – Justin Timberlake

#2 – A Little Too Late – Toby Keith

#3 – You Scare Me – Kenny Chesney

#4 – One Song Glory – Original Broadway recording of Rent

#5 – I’ll Be Alright Without You – Journey  (I can NOT believe Monique didn’t get this one!)

#6 – Inside of You – Hoobastank

#7 – I Can Only Imagine – Mercy Me

#10 – Dig – Incubus

#11 – Bring Me To Life – Evanescence

#13 – Over You – Daughtry

#16 – I Want to Be In Love – Melissa Etheridge

#18 – Lost in Love – New Edition

I just have to say that was fun.  I may do it again soon, just because I have over 500 songs on my iTunes and I could stump ya’ll again on my musical taste!

Have a great Monday!

Until next time…

Making the decision that is right for ME

OK.  So after my little argument with a GA member on what is considered a bail out and what is not AND after my extremely stressful Friday with the car breaking down and what not, I have made some decisions.

I have prayed, I have meditated and I have decided what is best and right for ME to do in my situation.  I am going to contact a credit counseling service.   I am going to ask for professional help in something that I have tried to do myself, but am getting nowhere with the creditors.

I am going to do this Tuesday or Wednesday.  I would say I’m going to do it tomorrow, but tomorrow is payroll Monday so I will have no time at work to make some phone calls.

I am also going to stop listening to GA members as much as I have since I’ve lived here.  Yes, I will still get counsel from them and I will take what they say and think about it.   Lately, I’ve just been blindly following them because they have more years than I do in the program.

I realized something in the last several days, since Thursday.   Those who HAVE money will never understand how it feels to NOT have money to pay bills.   Money picks up a stronger significance when you do not have it.   And I know many of my readers understand this.

Some of my GA family will have a problem with what I’m going to be doing.  However, that will be their cross to bear.  I, on the other hand, am walking into this situation with a clear conscious, knowing I’m doing the right thing for me.

Now, do me a favor and go show Miss Monique some loving.  She’s having surgery tomorrow and she is not allowed to eat or drink anything after a certain time today.  She’s been on a clear liquid diet since yesterday and I remember what that’s like.   Show your support and give her some love.

Until next time….

Music to my ears

I love music. I worked at Odyssey Records in Las Vegas from December of 1987 until May of 1992. LOVED that job! I got to see so many concerts (for FREE!!!). I met Guns n Roses, Queensryche, MC Hammer, Slaughter and many other awesome acts of the late 80’s and early 90’s. I even got FREE tickets to see Duran Duran. OH yeah, you know I cried at that show.

Tense has posted a meme she picked up from someone else. I also saw this meme at Miss Ann’s.

Here are the rules:

1. Put your mp3 player or computer music player on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists).
3. Post, and let your friends guess which song and artist the lines come from.
4. No Googling! Don’t cheat!

1. Yeah. Excuse me.
Hi my name is Bob
And I work at my job
I make 40 something dollars a day

2. I’m a little too gone
A little too tired of this hanging on
So I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough too
It’s got a little too sad
(please note on song #2, I removed the first few lines because it gives away the title of the song.)

3. I’m not afraid of lonely
Gotten good at being there
Ain’t seen nothing that could hold me
Say goodbye and don’t look back

4. One song to leave behind
Find one song, one last refrain, glory
From the pretty boy front man, who wasted opportunity
One song, he had the world at his feet
(once again, first few lines of lyrics removed due to giving away the title of the song)

5. I’ve been thinking about the time you walked out on me
There were moments I believed you were there
Do I miss you? Am I lying to myself again?
I do these things, it’s all because of you

6. It seems so obvious, there’s something up with us
I swear I feel it from across the room
So can I ask you this, not to be forward miss
But I think I’ll kill myself if I never knew

7. I can only imagine
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
(giving this one away)

8. Moving on the floor now babe,
you’re a bird of paradise
Cherry ice cream smile,
I suppose it’s very nice

Rio – Duran Duran (Tense Teacher got this one!)

9. I got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you.

Best of You – Foo Fighters (Miss Monique!)

10. We all have a weakness
Some of ours are easy to identify
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness

11. How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb

12. My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel,
Of that I’m sure

You’re beautiful – James Blunt (Tense Teacher again!)

13. Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house.

14. I got an empty feeling
when that moving van pulled up
It got a whole lot emptier
As I watched them fill that truck

Maybe We Should Just Sleep On It – Tim McGraw (Miss Monique again!)

15. Doctor, my woman is coming back home late today
Could you maybe give me something
Cause the feeling is gone and
I must get it back right away

Trying to get the feeling again – Barry Manilow (Miss Monique.  I knew she’d get this one)

16. I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled my own demons
And woke up with only me

17. Pack it up, pack it in
Let me begin,
I came to win
Battle me, that’s a sin

Jump Around – House of Pain (Tense Teacher!)

18. Would you love me
When nights are cold
Would you love me
When I grow old

19. Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above
that could save me from hell

Into the Night – Santana ft. Chad Kroger (Miss Monique – she was close enough!)

20. Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain

Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis (Miss Monique again!)

Holy cow that took forevah to do! (not really, it just felt that way!) Now I’m going to go try to guess their songs.

An American in Paris On The Town

Miss Laci and I met for lunch this afternoon and then headed over to the Palace Theater to watch two movies.

Miss Laci got the tickets for free. We watched On The Town, starring Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra at 2pm. I just love that movie. It’s so silly and fun!

At 5pm, An American in Paris with Gene Kelly started. I have never seen this movie before. I liked it, but there was something “off” for me. It was the fact the female lead looked like she was 12 years old. This, in turn, made Gene Kelly’s character look like he was robbing the cradle. Other than that, I liked it.

I love Gene Kelly. I’m just saying.

I have nothing else for you today. I may think of something better to say tomorrow.

Until next time…