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Archive for March, 2009

Accelerated a bit…

My original quit date of April 1st has been accelerated to today.  Reason?  I ran out of cigarettes and can’t afford to buy another pack, so I’m taking the opportunity to slap on the patch and begin a few days early!

I had a great weekend.  I talked to both of my sponsors (the one here and the one in Vegas) for a total of about 3 hours between both people.  Even though I ended up missing my meeting Friday, I didn’t go the entire weekend feeling disconnected.

After work tonight, I’ll be going to the meeting since I missed Friday.  I spent a lot of time with Neighbor Guy too.  I’m keeping my eye on the original issue I had and it seems to be less than it was.   He and I have talked quite a bit about it and he seems to temper it around me.    I did tell him last night though that if I feel my recovery being threatened or my well being (not threatened in a physical way – but feel it being surrounded by toxicity), I will have no problem walking away.  He said he understood.  We’ll see about that if it ever happens LOL.

I filed my AFLAC claim on Friday for the burn I received.  Once I get that money it will definitely help with a few bills around here.  I’m also still waiting on that one company to refund my money.  I have a feeling I’m going to end up going the entire 30 days and having to dispute it through Chase.  I was supposed to get a confirmation email, which I never received, and my money within a few days.

I’ve called them once more since the 23rd and I heard the same bullshit line I got the first time I called.   I’m waiting out the 30 days that Chase has to give them and then I’m throwing a fit.  Not only did they take a total of $86.95 out of my account, but caused it to go into a negative balance, so I was charged another $32.00 by the bank for NSF.   Fuckers.

I’m pretty much ready for work, just have to put my make up on.  I’m sitting here watching the news and I just have to say it’s COLD!!!!  It was 28 degrees about 20 minutes ago.  It’s freaking spring time!!!!  Why is it so freaking cold?   Oh yeah.  It’s the Midwest.  Grrr.

I was checking out a website about sales training and have decided sales is just not for me. I can’t lie about products and I can’t even embellish on stuff. I sucked at selling Partylite cause I was so bloody honest, I couldn’t even sell stuff I didn’t like. LOL

Until next time…


It’s Saturday.  I woke up really tired and not feeling well rested.  While that Singulair had me loopy and drowsy last night, it certainly did not help me sleep!  I think I finally fell asleep around 2:30 or 3.  Could have been around 2, I’m not sure since I don’t have a clock in my bedroom.

I tossed and turned and when my alarms went off this morning, I reset them and shut them off.  I ended up sleeping until 9:30.

I talked to my sponsor here and we had a wonderful, 30 minute talk.  He knows where I’m at and the understanding I get from him and the rest of my friends is very encouraging to keep moving forward with what I’m doing.

I told him of my situation with Neighbor Guy and he said it sounds like I’m thinking clearly and paying attention.  He also told me he’s proud of me for my efforts in not isolating myself anymore, even with my failings at it, he’s proud of my effort anyway.  I think that’s awesome.

I’m getting ready to leave here for the 5pm church service.  Miss Laci and I are going to walk the Zoo tomorrow (weather permitting) and I’m really looking forward to that!   I figured I’d go to the service tonight, so I don’t have to try to wake up at 7am to get to the 9am service on time.

I’m watching Under the Tuscan Sun right now.  I think this is my favorite chick flick besides Brown Sugar.

I got a new shower head today.  Since mine popped off in the middle of my shower last night, I let the office know I needed it done and less than an hour later, it was done.   I went grocery shopping and when I got home, the maintenance guy was coming in here to change it out.  He helped me carry in my groceries, which I thought was awesome.

I’ve started a new diary for my 8th step work (Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all).  GB and I discussed this too this morning when we talked.  He knows there are some amends I’ve already made from back in the day, but we are going to start from scratch on this step and I’ll write down whether I’ve made amends or not and how it went.

Just more work on the road to recovery!  It’s exciting really.  While I know I struggle and flounder every now and then, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t so I don’t feel so alone.  I learn from my mistakes and I grow from my pain and struggles.   In the long run, it’s all worth it in my eyes.

Until next time…

Counting down the days…

I’ve set my quit date.  April 1 is the day I will wake up and not smoke anymore.  I’m going to the grocery store today and will be picking up some “tools” to help me with it.   I’m looking forward to it, that’s for sure!

I picked up the meds last night on my way home from work and immediately took one of the Singulair.  About 20 minutes I started feeling loopy and drowsy so I decided to read the instructions.  Ummm yeah.  I’m supposed to take it at bedtime.  I can see why.  It had me looped out for a few hours after taking it.

I called a few GA members to see if I could get a ride to the meetings and the few I talked too had already made plans to either go to the meeting on the other side of town or be home watching the UofL game.  One never called me back, so I’m thinking he’s out of town.

I decided to take a shower and then relax the rest of the night and if I fell asleep on the couch, oh well.   Well, during the shower the shower head popped off and hit my toe before hitting the bathtub.  OMFG.  I can’t get the thing back together.  I can get it on there but then when I turn the water on?  It pops off again!   I’ll be calling the office here in a few when they open.

I had set my alarms for 7:00 so I could get up and ready for the 9am meeting.   And then insomnia hit me and I was awake until about 2:30am.  I left my alarms set anyway and when they went off this morning, I almost threw my phone through the wall.  Needless to say, I turned off the alarm and rolled back over.  I just got up about 20 minutes ago and I feel like I didn’t sleep at all.

I need to go grocery shopping today and then get over to the laundry room and do my tons of laundry.  Yay, exciting Saturday for me!

I’m going in for another cup of coffee now!

Until next time…

Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t

Ya know, after Todd died and I was going through that grief journey of mine that seems to still be with me today, I changed.  My interests changed, my attitude changed and I found pleasure in different things.  I also found displeasure in things that once pleased me.

I believe I’ve been going through a grieving process since I moved here to Kentucky a year and a half ago.   I believe that I am constantly changing and evolving.  Sometimes I struggle with those changes and sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m not.  Sometimes I don’t laugh and sometimes it’s all I do.

I am a human being first and foremost.  Beyond that, the rest is all a bonus.  I am walking, talking, working on improving myself and all the laughter and all the love in my life are bonuses.

I have a great family.  I have great friends.  I have a great recovery support group, which I don’t always utilize like I could.   Does that make me a bad person?  Absolutely not.  It makes me human.

Which one of you or anyone you know of takes every piece of advice you are given?  Who does that?  I think that would be fucking sweet to let people lead me by the nose and not make any decisions for myself.

Every suggestion given to me, depending on how it’s delivered, is written about, prayed about, meditated over and then decided upon.

Sometimes I follow the suggestion and sometimes I don’t.

I go through a thought process on all suggestions and advice given.  Is this suggestion spot on or is the person projecting their own behaviors to me? I tend to do that, so I always look at that option.  Is this person coming from a place of love or a place of judgment?  Are the suggestions meant to help me or hurt me?   Is the suggestion something that would benefit me or them? I try to look at all of that when I’m given a suggestion or advice on something.

But I can tell you one thing, if it is done in a nasty way, mean spirited or the person throws shit in my face, I tend to ignore it (the advice that is).  Until I get over the anger and then I take the appropriate steps to make sure it’s not something I want/need to do.

Life is all a suggestion.  Rules, laws, ordinances.  Suggestions to keep your ass out of jail.  The Gamblers Anonymous program is all suggestions.  They suggest as many meetings as possible, but at least one full meeting per week.  They suggest you get a sponsor.  They suggest you get to know the other members.  They suggest you get involved.  It doesn’t mean we have to follow the suggestions to the T, right?

Sometimes I do follow the suggestions to the T and sometimes I don’t.

Today, I am content with where I am.  I’m finding my way back out of another funk and I’m going to be a better and stronger person for it.  I’ve reconnected with the program to the best of my ability right now and no one can ask for more.  Well…I’m sure they COULD ask for more.  But I doubt they’d get it.

Some of my behavior is still questionable in some people’s eyes and I’m okay with that.  Currently, there is not much I can do for them.  I can only do for me and I’m taking care of my shit and keeping my side of the street clean.

Until next time…

Ahh, hump day!

I talked to the nurse at my doctor’s office today.  I have full blown asthma.  She is calling in prescriptions for Singular and an inhaler (I can’t remember the type she said it was.)

So this leads me to the point where I’m having to face the smoking thing.  And while it wasn’t something I wanted to do originally, I’m now telling myself over and over again that I want to quit smoking.  Not only do I have to and need to, but now I want to!

I’m going to write out an action plan (those seem to work for compulsive people like me) and then set a date to set the plan into action.  I’m going to make a list of items that can assist me in my quest to become a non-smoker.  I am going to buy some Dum Dum lollipops and some other sugar free candies to throw in my mouth when I get the urge to smoke.

Work was busier than crap today.  It went by pretty quickly, though and that made it seem all OK.  I’m about 5 pay periods through with my 18 pay period vacation database project.  OMFG!!!  It’s a pain in the butt, but I’m getting it done and I’m hoping to get it all done tomorrow.  Hopefully I don’t get interrupted as much as I was today so I can really get on a roll with it!

The Trainer was in a phenomenal mood today.  Even when I told her I was having to fix a lot of my own errors that I made way back in July and August in the vacation DB.  She was okay with it and told me not to worry about them.  The errors always have a way of coming back to us and getting fixed.  Hmmm totally different attitude.

I’m relaxing until it’s time to go to the union meeting tonight.  We are supposed to vote on constitution and by law changes.  It seems none of the clerical ever go to these meetings, so we aren’t really represented.  Our Union Rep is someone at the auto shop and I’m sure he doesn’t fight for us at all.

I’ll make sure we get our voices in there.  Whether they actually listen is another story all together!

A co-worker is picking me up for the meeting since she lives just near me, we are going to car pool.

Until next time…

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I made it through the day…

without killing anyone!  Believe me, this is a bonus!  I was seriously considering kicking someone’s ass and then suddenly, I calmed down.  I don’t know if the other person’s attitude change or if it was mine.  Whatever it was, the day went smoother after it happened.

I was looking at some cardboard displays that might be beneficial for Manager Lady one of these days. It seems since she’s been promoted, they have her working her ass off all the time and doing different presentations.

I did something stupid last night.  While I certainly enjoyed myself, ahem, it was not what I had intended to do.  Hormones got the best of me and now I get to deal with the situation.  Awesome.  Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?  LOL

I colored my hair after work and will be posting the picture later, when I feel like getting the camera phone up and running again.  I need to dry my hair, get some dinner and get changed for my GA meeting.  I’m scheduled to chair the meeting tonight.

I called the apartment office today and the girl sent maintenance back over to check for the snake.  I’m afraid he didn’t find it and it’ll show it’s ugliness again sometime soon.  We’ll see, I guess.  Now I’m just paranoid to go out that patio door, ya know?   I’m pretty sure the slithery thing can’t find it’s way inside here, but damnit I want that thing gone, gone, gone!

I’ve been making a spread sheet for my budget and my bills and all that stuff I tend to ignore.  I hope the economy heals soon so I can find a 2nd job and start paying off some of this debt!  It’s freaking me out and I’m tired of it.  I don’t even feel right going to buy hair color for my hair.  I haven’t gotten my nails redone in over a month, I’m afraid to do any shopping but grocery shopping.  Even if I need the stuff.   Unless it’s food related, I tend to draw it out as long as possible and only when I’m completely out, do I go back to the store to get it (toilet paper, kleenex, etc).

I guess I just need to do what I’m doing and keep moving forward without freaking out too much.  Easier said than done, that’s for sure!

Until next time…

Let’s talk about deal breakers….

I’m a very accepting person.  I tend to accept people the way they are and if they stray from the side of right, I tend to try to help them get back in line (if they accept my help).   I like people and I like getting to know people.

When it comes to men, I look for a great sense of humor, and as I get to know them, I look at how they live their lives.   I try not to judge too much because I’m sure there are things I do that would not be “normal” for others.

However, there are some deal breakers that have kept me on my side of the street and have helped me keep it clean.

I do not like to date people who do illegal drugs, gambling to excess or drink too much.   Now, drinking too much is always a “perception” and I tend to observe before making my decision on something.

I had that dinner date with my neighbor last week and last night, I went to his house to watch some movies and hang out.   We cuddled throughout the movies and when I came home at like 12:30, I got me a wonderful kiss.

The only bad thing about the kiss is that I tasted and felt like I had been drinking bourbon.  The reason for this?  He had been drinking bourbon on the rocks before I got there and in the time I was there, he had at least seven more cocktails.  Red flags anyone?

So here I sit the next morning, thanking Jesus I did not let that kiss go any further because now I have to figure out if this is a regular occurrence for him or if it was just a one time thing.

While I had a wonderful time hanging out with him, I will not put myself into a position with someone who drinks too much.  Being the adult child of an alcoholic, I am very wary about getting involved with men who drink too much.

On a completely different note, my hand feels fabulous and I’m tempted to not even wrap it today.  The swelling is down and there is hardly any redness left.  I’ll decide on the wrapping thing after I take a shower here in a few minutes.  I’m hoping I get ready in time for church.

Until next time…

What part of Spring are you?

You Are Baseball Games

You like old fashioned things. You’re one of those people who values tradition.
You enjoy a slow pace of life. You believe that life is all about enjoying every moment.

You love the changing of the seasons, and you look forward to what each season brings.
You are smart and a bit obsessive. You become very immersed in your interests.

Burn baby, burn

I’m typing this with one hand and it is a PITA.

On my way to work this morning, I stopped at Speedway for coffee.  Nothing unusual there.

As I was leaving, I set the coffee on top of my car to open the door.  Instead of the normal thing where I open my door and get the cup, the cup started slipping off the roof cause of the dew that collected over night.  Natural instinct is to catch what is falling, right?  Bad idea!!!!!

The entire 20 ounces eneded up flowing all over my right hand and the side of my car.  OUCH!!!!!

I cried, went to the bathroom and poured cold water on it for a few minutes and then drove myself to the ER.  I was the only patient in there at first and so I got some rawking medical care.

My hand is all wrapped to where I can only use the thumb on my right hand.  I came home from the ER and called in sick to work.  I then went back to bed to hopefully sleep through the pain a bit.

I have a “superficial” first degree burn.  The nurse compared it to a sunburn and I just have to say that I NEVER felt this much pain when I got sunburned.  LOL

I have to leave this wrap on 24 hours and then clean it, put the cream they gave me on it and re-wrap it.  *le sigh*

Until next time….