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Archive for May, 2009

Working it out….

I had a great time last night at Miss Laci‘s birthday dinner & after-party at the bar.   It was fun hanging out with her, Miss Monique, and all of Miss Laci’s friends & family.

We had a great dinner and then headed to a little bar with cheap drinks.  I liked that place!  We even had the hawt waiters from the restaraunt meet us there too.  For a full recap of the weekend, you can go read that at Miss Laci‘s.

I’ve had a lot of shit on my mind lately and I’m struggling to deal with it.  I haven’t quite found the outlet I’m looking for, so I’m going to keep writing about it in my journal and keep it to myself until I’ve figured out exactly what I’m feeling and thinking.

I’ve been really meditating a lot about what my GA friend said about me being chronically homesick and that’s why I haven’t really connected here yet.  

I’ve also been meditating on my attitude towards the people in the program a lot.   While I believe in the program itself, 100%, I’m having trouble putting that same belief in the people in the program.

I was having this problem when I left Las Vegas, as well, and I’m still working through it.  While we have the saying, principles before personalities, in the pgoram, we do need to find connections that make us feel safe and comfortable.

I have found very few of those connections so far here in the GA program.  My sponsor and one or two other people are the only ones I have faith in when it comes to the program.   Sad, I know.   I’m working on it.

I lost faith in myself at some point and I really believe I’m projecting that onto them.   Since I didn’t have a lot of faith in myself for a short period of time, I lost faith in them as well.  Right or wrong, that’s what I’m thinking.

I’ve really been working on myself lately and while I know I’ve fallen short of some people’s expectations (including my own), I’m doing the best I can with what I have and I can’t ask for much more than that.  

Each and every day, my faith in myself returns little by little and I find I’m feeling pretty good about myself.

I’ve made some great friends in and because of GA and I’ve lost some great friends in and because of GA.   

I don’t really know where I wanted to go with the rest of this post, I guess I just needed to get it out there.   I’m struggling within myself and I know it.  I’m feeling very alone and I know it.   Most of the time, I do it to myself.

Until next time…

Dodging the proverbial bullet. Once again.

Earlier this fiscal year, it was announced that everyone, except essential personnel, would have to take four furlough days.   I worried over that for a few weeks before finding out that the union contract I’m under protects me from lay offs of any kind.  I was quite thrilled to learn this.

There were very few of us, besides the firefighters, who did not have to take those unpaid furlough days.  I became grateful for my union on that date.  Yeah, I bitched (and sometimes still do) about the $50 a month they take for dues, yet I’m very grateful I’m in the union.

The weeks and months passed by and then last night, the Mayor presented his new budget to the Metro Council.  It includes the elimination of more than 500 positions.  About 400 of them are currently vacant positions and they will not be filled.  The other positions are filled and those people will be laid off indefinitely and for at least the length of this new fiscal year that starts July 1.

The newscast said that the Mayor and his “people” were meeting with union heads and department directors to help notify the people losing their jobs.  I freaked out!

I knew about the no lay off clause in the contract, however, that contract expires June 30th and I figured I’d be fair game come July 1 for those lay offs.

I spent all last night with a migraine.  I did not sleep well, I was up every few hours and I still have the headache.   I was just freaking myself out.

When I got to work this morning, I searched for the Big Boss because Manager Lady was not in yet.   I found him and he assured me that no one that was in the union on the fire department would be affected by the lay offs.  The non union people will have more furlough days and the Super Big Boss (the Chief) will end up taking a 15% cut in pay (OUCH!)

I almost hugged the man I was so excited to learn my job was safe.   He also let me in on a secret.  Even though the contract expires on June 30th, we are still covered and protected under that contract until the new one is negotiated and approved.  

Oh thank God!

I have not felt that much relief or grattitude since the day I walked into my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting.

My headache eased up a bit, letting me know that it was a tension migraine, but it didn’t go away fully.  I think my adrenaline is finally crashing though because I’m exhausted. 

I worked myself up into a frenzy of a migraine and haven’t worked my way out of it yet.   I’m going to get something to eat, relax and put some ice packs on my head and neck.

Until next time…

Lookout weekend….

Ahhh Friday! One of my favorite days of the week!

I went to bed with a migraine last night and I still have it. I didn’t sleep well, woke up a lot and was very restless.

The Mayor is eliminating 120 or so positions at the city and I don’t know yet if my position is one of those being eliminated. So far, they’ve laid off 34 clerical positions from the police department and that is all we’ve heard.

I will find out today or early next week if my position is one of those being axed. If it is, I’ll immediately file for unemployment and go from there.

I worked on my resume last night and will make sure it’s all spruced up and professional looking. I haven’t really changed the lay out of it, just added information as I’ve gone along in my training at the job.

It put me into a really bad mood last night after I heard what the Mayor was doing. I think this is the first time in my life I’ve actually had to really worry about losing my job. I’m hoping it’s an irrational fear.

This weekend is going to be fun! Miss Laci is turning 30 and there is a large group of us meeting for dinner and drinks tomorrow night for the celebration! YAY! It’s not everyday a girl turns 30, so I’m hoping the evening is memorable for her!

I have a lot on my mind right now and am going to be doing a lot of journaling to get it out and deal with it. If that doesn’t work, I’ll do some venting on here to see if that helps. Until then, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.

With my financial situation the way it is, I’ve considered debt consolidation. However, when I went to a credit counselor, I couldn’t even dream of affording the payments they want from me to consolidate everything. *le sigh* There is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure there is, I just can’t see it right now.

Until next time…

Hump day!

I am sweating to death.  I know it.  It’s not that it’s super hot out either, just humid.   I have been going nonstop since getting home from work.

I did my laundry, made my bed, put most of the laundry away (just have the linens to finish putting away) and cooked some dinner.   I’m now sitting at the computer, drinking an ice cold Pacifico beer and getting ready for the Yankees game that starts at 8pm.

I had a pretty good day at work, nothing major and no drama.  Co-Worker’s sister is not doing well and that makes me sad for her.   I’ve been saying prayers and sending positive thoughts that way. 

The office still has not sent maintenance over to fix the blinds on my bedroom window.  This makes me a little cranky, but whatever.  It’s super dark in my room right now cause of the blanket.

I’ve got a slight breeze going through the apartment right now with the sliding glass door open and the bedroom window open.   It feels good and I hope the humidity goes away soon so I can do this more often in the evenings.

I was looking at these Amazon books. I love books. I really need to utilize the Library more though.

Until next time…

It’s over already? I need a vacation

I had a 3 day weekend and I loved it. I loved having three days in a row to sleep in if I wanted too, do nothing if I felt like it and stay up late if I could.

It’s over now. I am slowly getting ready for work and taking a break before trying to dry my hair in 92% humidity. Awesome.

I had a great weekend. I got most of my grocery shopping done (just need a few smaller things that can be bought during the week) and I got my room rearranged. I’m hoping maintenance comes over today while I’m at work to fix my blinds.

The only thing I did not accomplish this weekend was laundry. The place I used to get my quarters (Speedway) for it, suddenly won’t sell me any. After work today, I’m going to stop at the bank and get my quarters so I can go do laundry tonight.

I went over to Miss Laci’s last night for dinner with her and her family.  I got to see Mama Laci again, as well as meet Granny Laci and Auntie Laci.   I also got some play time in with her new kitten Sephora.  A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E.   My throat didn’t even get allergy scratchy until right when I was leaving, so my meds did well in protecting me from dying too.  Awesome.

I went to a Bats game Saturday night with some GA friends.  We had a great time and I talked to the wife of a GA member for a few minutes about Al-Anon meetings in the area and they are going to get me a list of those meetings and hook me up with a friend of theirs already in that program.

Off to go try to dry this mop I call hair.  Wish me luck!

Until next time…

Bent and broken

Yesterday, I set out to accomplish two things.  I wanted to go grocery shopping and then rearrange my bedroom and I did them both.

While I was rearranging the bedroom, I decided to open the blinds on the window and ended up breaking them.   They fell off all bent and broken.   I tried to fix them and couldn’t.   I left a few messages – one for the office and one for maintenance and then I hung up a blanket over the window.  LOL  It’s quite klassy really.

Today, I need to go pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy, get some quarters for laundry and then do the laundry.  And that’s it.  I have nothing more on my list of things to do today.   I’m hoping it’ll be a quiet, relaxing Sunday.

I’ve been thinking about what that GA member said to me on Friday night and I’ve been doing a little journaling off and on about it.  I know that I sometimes get into these horrible depressions because I miss my friends back in Vegas.  I just let myself feel the emotions and walk through it, I don’t really sit and try to analyze those feelings.

I knew when I moved here I’d have homesickness and miss my friends a lot.  I just figured this was all normal and I know I will get through all of this if I just keep talking about it and journaling.  

I do know that I’ve changed quite a bit since I moved 1700 miles away from everything that is familiar to me and I’m trying to be patient with myself in that regard too.   Some days are better than others.  As a whole, I feel I’m doing pretty good, even with some of my fuck ups and self destructive behaviors. 

I’m working on it all and like we say in GA, progress, not perfection!  I try not to give myself too much room to wiggle though, because I’m an opportunist and if I have the opportunity to engage in something bad for me, I’m sure I will and I’m sure I have.

Here’s to working on myself, being patient and kind to me and growing as a person some more!

Until next time…

Chronic homesickness?

Today has been a very long day!  While it was self-induced, it was still exhausting!  

I left here at 7:15 am and was at the office until 7:10 pm.  From there, I headed to my regular Friday night GA meeting.  The meeting was a birthday for two people.  One person was celebrating one year and the other 7 years.  It was a great meeting and I’m glad I was able to share in that celebration.

After the meeting, we tend to move off into groups and chat a little one on one.   I went to hug my friend J and he told me I think I know what’s wrong with you.  I think you have chronic homesickness.  I laughed at first but then asked him to tell me what he meant, because it sounded interesting.

He proceeded to tell me that he feels I miss my friends in Vegas so much, that I’m failing to get “connected” here.   He thinks that I don’t talk about my homesickness for my friends enough in the meetings and feels if I do that, I might start making more connections with the people surrounding me.

I believe he could be right to a certain extent and it’s something I’m going to look at.   

I do know he’s right in one regard, I miss my friends in Vegas so much, I don’t want to get close to anyone here really.   I’ve connected with a few people from work and a few of the neighbors but that’s really it when it comes to local connections (not including Miss Laci – cause I had that connection before I moved here.)

I told him that I keep trying because I don’t want to go back, no matter how much I miss my friends.  It was at that time he told me he thinks if I talk about it more in meetings, it will start helping me.  So I believe that’s what I will do.  

It’s never hurt me to take suggestions I’ve received from GA members and I’m looking at this one the same way.   He suggested it, I’ll try it.  If it doesn’t work, I don’t have to do it again.  If it works, I can keep doing it and fix part of the problem.

I love it when someone else provides solutions for me!  LOL

Until next time…

So now what?

K & L are leaving tomorrow morning at 8am.  He just called and we talked for a bit and then said our goodbyes.   I cried.  Yup.  I did.  I really miss them and I enjoyed every second I got to spend with them this week.  We had a great time hanging out and catching up.  

They are still going to move here, they just don’t know when.  There’s a lot they have to get taken care of back home and don’t know when that will all fall into place.  Their ultimate goal is to move here though.

Now that I have nothing to do socially, time to get back into the groove.  Tomorrow, I’m working 3 hours OT.  Yes I know it’s a Friday night.  And right after that, I’ll have just enough time to get to the 7:30 GA meeting.

For my three day weekend, I’m going to slowly and meticulously take everything I can move out of my bedroom, go through things, throw things out, rearrange things and make it more serene for me.   I don’t care if it takes me the entire three day weekend, I’m going to do it slowly so I don’t miss anything or try to rush through it.

It’s also something to do that is free and will keep me busy!  I do need to go grocery shopping this weekend, as well as do some laundry (sheets, towels, etc).   

I’m going to take my time doing it all because I’m not in a rush for any of it (except the groceries thing cause I need food in here).

And now I’m going to finish the last 10 minutes of So You Think You Can Dance and then go to sleep.

I was looking at this undermount sink the other day and find it very fascinating!

Until next time…

I almost forgot….

I almost forgot to update this blog.  I’ve been so wrapped up spending time with my BFF from Vegas, I neglected this place!  Shame on me.

I’ve had a great few days!  Sunday afternoon, K & L rolled into town and I spent the evening with them at K’s aunts house.   We had lasagna, salad and good times and laughter.

Monday I did not get to see them because I was too exhausted from payroll stuff and they were off at the zoo.   I went to bed early that night and tried to get some rest.

Tuesday, I met them for dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse in St. Matthews.  After that, we went over to the mall and walked our food off.  I got home around 9:30 I believe.

Today, they brought the girls down to the firehouse and a few of the firefighters showed them the engine and the truck.  They let the girls climb all over and inside the cab of the truck and the engine too.  The girls loved it!

After that, we parted ways for a short time, so I could come home and change clothes.  I met them back where they are staying and we headed over to Flanigan’s for some live trivia with the stepson of K’s aunt.   It was a good time there too.

They’ve decided to stay an extra day, so I might even get to see them tomorrow when I get off work.  THAT would be made of WIN, for certain.

I’m now home, exhausted, watching the Criminal Minds season finale and going to sleep right after that.

Until next time…

Getting and giving away

Every now and then, I start building these resentments.  There’s no rhyme or reason to them.  There is no one person I build them against.  I just build them towards a situation or in general.

Currently, my resentment is against my financial situation.  I see all these people going on vacations and buying things and spending money.  I don’t blame the person/s for sharing this information online or with me.  I’m actually (deep down) quite happy for them that they can do that.  It means they are financially stable enough to be able to do what they want, when they want.  

And I’m not.   I could possibly be sitting on my pitty pot, so someone send the cheese to go with my whine.

I want to go on a vacation.  I want to be able to afford to eat out when I feel like it.  I’m tired of creamy chicken flavored ramen for dinner.  Seriously.

I want to be able to go out with friends from work when they invite me, instead of saying no thank you, some other time.  And when that “some other time” appears, I still can’t go.  I want to be able to afford the gas to visit my friends who live within road trip distance (Miss Dana & Miss Monique – that’s you).

I’m tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I’m tired of it.  I know there are people out there in worse situations than mine, but guess what?  MY situation is the only one I’m worried about.  MY situation is the one that eats away at my sleeping hours.  My situation is the one that makes me burst out crying when I realize my paycheck is completely gone to bills before I even fucking get it.

________________________

Those are my current feelings/thoughts about my situation.  Now here is what I’m doing to improve it:

  • Applying for jobs online, including an online freelancer site to do administrative stuff.
  • Planning on getting a transcription system as soon as possible.
  • Taking a medical transcriptionist course to get certified in that before trying to take my marketing to a doctor’s office.
  • Applying for part time jobs outside of the home at bookstores, coffee shops, etc.
  • Working as much overtime as is offered me at work.

While I am working towards getting out of this hole I’ve gotten myself into, I feel horrible.  I’m stressed all the time, I rarely sleep a full night, I’m smoking like a freaking chimney (yes, I know I’d save more money if I quit), and I’m cranky most of the time.

I try to hide it and not take it out on people.  I figure just because I’m in pain (physical or mental) I don’t have to be a pain to others.   

Instead, I stay in my apartment after work, watch TV and play games on Facebook.  I figure it’s free entertainment at least.  I read books before I go to bed and try to find other ways of entertaining myself without going completely nuts.

I spend at least 3 nights per week researching jobs online and applying for several.   I also spend a few hours per week drooling over the transcription system I want/need to help make more money.

While I know there will be an end to this situation at some point, I sure wish I knew what the lesson was.   It could very well be a lesson in money management, which I seem to be better at when I don’t have any.  LOL  Go figure.

Until then, I’ll keep the faith that God brought me here for a reason and He will lead me down the path I need to be on.

Until next time…