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Getting and giving away

Every now and then, I start building these resentments.  There’s no rhyme or reason to them.  There is no one person I build them against.  I just build them towards a situation or in general.

Currently, my resentment is against my financial situation.  I see all these people going on vacations and buying things and spending money.  I don’t blame the person/s for sharing this information online or with me.  I’m actually (deep down) quite happy for them that they can do that.  It means they are financially stable enough to be able to do what they want, when they want.  

And I’m not.   I could possibly be sitting on my pitty pot, so someone send the cheese to go with my whine.

I want to go on a vacation.  I want to be able to afford to eat out when I feel like it.  I’m tired of creamy chicken flavored ramen for dinner.  Seriously.

I want to be able to go out with friends from work when they invite me, instead of saying no thank you, some other time.  And when that “some other time” appears, I still can’t go.  I want to be able to afford the gas to visit my friends who live within road trip distance (Miss Dana & Miss Monique – that’s you).

I’m tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I’m tired of it.  I know there are people out there in worse situations than mine, but guess what?  MY situation is the only one I’m worried about.  MY situation is the one that eats away at my sleeping hours.  My situation is the one that makes me burst out crying when I realize my paycheck is completely gone to bills before I even fucking get it.


Those are my current feelings/thoughts about my situation.  Now here is what I’m doing to improve it:

  • Applying for jobs online, including an online freelancer site to do administrative stuff.
  • Planning on getting a transcription system as soon as possible.
  • Taking a medical transcriptionist course to get certified in that before trying to take my marketing to a doctor’s office.
  • Applying for part time jobs outside of the home at bookstores, coffee shops, etc.
  • Working as much overtime as is offered me at work.

While I am working towards getting out of this hole I’ve gotten myself into, I feel horrible.  I’m stressed all the time, I rarely sleep a full night, I’m smoking like a freaking chimney (yes, I know I’d save more money if I quit), and I’m cranky most of the time.

I try to hide it and not take it out on people.  I figure just because I’m in pain (physical or mental) I don’t have to be a pain to others.   

Instead, I stay in my apartment after work, watch TV and play games on Facebook.  I figure it’s free entertainment at least.  I read books before I go to bed and try to find other ways of entertaining myself without going completely nuts.

I spend at least 3 nights per week researching jobs online and applying for several.   I also spend a few hours per week drooling over the transcription system I want/need to help make more money.

While I know there will be an end to this situation at some point, I sure wish I knew what the lesson was.   It could very well be a lesson in money management, which I seem to be better at when I don’t have any.  LOL  Go figure.

Until then, I’ll keep the faith that God brought me here for a reason and He will lead me down the path I need to be on.

Until next time…

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