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Working it out….

I had a great time last night at Miss Laci‘s birthday dinner & after-party at the bar.   It was fun hanging out with her, Miss Monique, and all of Miss Laci’s friends & family.

We had a great dinner and then headed to a little bar with cheap drinks.  I liked that place!  We even had the hawt waiters from the restaraunt meet us there too.  For a full recap of the weekend, you can go read that at Miss Laci‘s.

I’ve had a lot of shit on my mind lately and I’m struggling to deal with it.  I haven’t quite found the outlet I’m looking for, so I’m going to keep writing about it in my journal and keep it to myself until I’ve figured out exactly what I’m feeling and thinking.

I’ve been really meditating a lot about what my GA friend said about me being chronically homesick and that’s why I haven’t really connected here yet.  

I’ve also been meditating on my attitude towards the people in the program a lot.   While I believe in the program itself, 100%, I’m having trouble putting that same belief in the people in the program.

I was having this problem when I left Las Vegas, as well, and I’m still working through it.  While we have the saying, principles before personalities, in the pgoram, we do need to find connections that make us feel safe and comfortable.

I have found very few of those connections so far here in the GA program.  My sponsor and one or two other people are the only ones I have faith in when it comes to the program.   Sad, I know.   I’m working on it.

I lost faith in myself at some point and I really believe I’m projecting that onto them.   Since I didn’t have a lot of faith in myself for a short period of time, I lost faith in them as well.  Right or wrong, that’s what I’m thinking.

I’ve really been working on myself lately and while I know I’ve fallen short of some people’s expectations (including my own), I’m doing the best I can with what I have and I can’t ask for much more than that.  

Each and every day, my faith in myself returns little by little and I find I’m feeling pretty good about myself.

I’ve made some great friends in and because of GA and I’ve lost some great friends in and because of GA.   

I don’t really know where I wanted to go with the rest of this post, I guess I just needed to get it out there.   I’m struggling within myself and I know it.  I’m feeling very alone and I know it.   Most of the time, I do it to myself.

Until next time…

3 Responses to “Working it out….”

  • Shelli says:

    Can I give you a hug at ConFab? Hugs now, too. :)

  • Sodapop says:

    Shelli – I will look forward to your hug at ConFab!!!

  • DutchBitch says:

    Ugh, times like that are hard. It’s a quest to find yourself and we sometimes also put up the bar so high for ourselves, that it’s hard to reach your goals… I have been thru bouts of these after my divorce when everything that I had known in my life changed. I felt like it would never be the same. And it wasn’t, but it got better and I can now say that I feel better today than I have ever done before in my life.

    You WILL get there too, promise! HUUUUGGGZZZ