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Archive for June, 2009

Getting closer!!!

WOOT!!!!  I have two working days until I’ll be heading to Georgia to recharge my batteries with my family!!!  I will also get to have lunch/meet up with GeekyTaiTai.

I am so looking forward to this week, I can’t even put it into words.   It’s getting closer and I am getting antsy to get outta here!

I went to a Host Committee meeting this afternoon and they tried to get me to take the registration chair person position for the National Convention coming up in May of next year.  Seriously?  I ran that desk/position for the mini conference we had last June and I thought I was losing my freaking mind!!!  We only had 115 people.  A national?  Those get at least 300 people!!  There is NO way I’m taking that responsibility on.

After the meeting, I spoke to someone who has been in one of the programs I’m in for years and years.  She gave me some great insight into co-dependency and being the adult child of an alcoholic, as well as being an addict.

I think going to both programs will really help me a lot.  GA will help me with the addict inside and the other program will help me on learning how to deal with the addict inside, as well as others as a whole.   I’m really looking forward to my next meeting, which is Tuesday night.   It will give me a little bit of medicine (so to speak) before heading outta town.

My skin has been very thin lately and I’ve worked really hard at not lashing out at people.  I recognize that it’s my issue and that’s why I’m checking myself before saying anything when I get upset.  Once I’ve digested the situation, if I feel truly slighted or maligned, then I will have no problem standing up for myself.  But I find that it’s just me being over-sensitive, then I don’t say anything.

As an update to some previous posts about feeling that some of my friends have abandoned me, that feeling is gone.   After posting those few things, I ended up getting in touch with or talking with all but one of the people I was referring too.

The third and final person I’ve been feeling that way about still has not answered any of my emails, calls or messages.   Instead of focusing completely on that, I’m moving forward and learning from it.   While it still breaks my heart that Greatest Boss ever does not return my messages, I know that if I continue obsessing over why, why, why, I will definitely drive myself insane.

I can think things to death and I’m trying so hard to get out of that mode right now.   I think every little thing to death in most situations, unless I catch myself and pull back.

Tomorrow is not only the worst day every created (payroll Monday) but it’s Platoon 1 day, which means it’s my FAVORITE DAY EVER!  Oh.  Ummm yeah, that would mean I might get to talk to my crush.  And that’s always a good thing.

And now off to watch the Yankees/Mets game and try to get sleepy.  My alarms are set for 3:45 a.m. and my coffee maker is ready to brew at 3:30.  Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Until next time…

Ahhhhhhh love this one!


Todd and our friend E in Irvine, CA for the National Convention in late 2003.


Todd & Kevin

Todd being silly, like he was so often.

Breakfast on the pier

August 2004, we went to San Clemente Pier for breakfast.   We had gone to Dana Point for a different reason and ended up here.  This was also the weekend I got my tramp stamp tattoo.  Poor Todd had to sit and listen to me complain about it all the way home the following Sunday.

Protected: Where did it go?

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Finding my way back…

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling with something.  What that something is, is anyone’s guess right now.   However, instead of totally analyzing the shit out of it, I’m doing some positive things to find my way out of it.

I don’t know when my attitude changed towards GA, but I know it was several months ago.   And most of my feelings about it have been there since I started going to meetings here, I just was able to accept them and ignore them for the most part.  Until recently.

I can list all the things I like and do not like about the GA meetings here in the Ville.  I can list all the things I like and do not like about the GA meetings in Vegas.   Something happened within me that has made me not want to go to the meetings here.   Something holds me back when I do go to the meetings.  I’m not as open with my emotions and sharings as I used to be.   Even though when I’m on the phone with a GA member, I can express my true emotions.   Something has me feeling very uncomfortable at these meetings.

I’ve stepped up and talked to my doctor last week and we are working on finding a balance for my meds.  I’ve looked into outside therapy and have found my finances just do not allow me that expense right now.  I am working on this one though, as I’ve stopped to apply at a few places after work and am going again to a different place tomorrow after work to apply.

Once my finances improve and I’m not sitting in a negative balance every paycheck, I will revisit the outside therapy thing.   I absolutely know that I could benefit from it.

I also know my depression and anxiety symptoms have increased quite a bit lately, hence why I went to the doctor last week to begin with.  I start my new medication regiment tomorrow and I’m hoping that I will start feeling better emotionally within a few weeks.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting earlier this week and I got a lot out of that meeting.  I know that I will be going to those meetings again in the very near future and I know it will help me even more.

As I walk forward down this new path, I stop and look back and realize something.   I’m still happy with where I’m at.  Could I be better?  Absolutely.  Could I be worse?  Absolutely.  I have noticed that even when I didn’t like what I was looking at in the mirror, I’ve been able to remain honest with myself.   It just took me awhile to ACT on what I saw and the honesty I was expressing in my journals.

Everything I go through and everything that happens to me (as a result of my own actions or someone else’s) teaches me something.  Every now and then, I don’t know what that lesson is until way past when I’ve learned it.  And then other times, I know immediately what the lesson is.

Either way, I strive to remain teachable and approachable.   I try to remain positive and work towards that everyday.   While I know I could be better, I also know that I’m currently taking the steps to get better.

I have loving, encouraging friends who support me.  I have a family that adores and loves me.   Now I just need to let them love me until I can love myself again.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t HATE me right now.  I am just not 100% and I know it.  I feel it.  I see it, I hear it, I taste it.

And now I’m going to go watch more music videos of Michael Jackson on MTV.

Sad day for the pop culture scene!  Farrah Fawcett AND Michael Jackson passed away today.  Hard to believe.

Until next time…

Owning it….

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night.  For months I have felt like I’m not getting everything I need from GA and so I printed up a meeting list of Al-Anon meetings a few months ago.   I just now got around to going.  Yes.  I know.  I’ve been procrastinating.

My first impression of the meeting was comfort.  There were a majority of women in the meeting with a spattering of men members.  The chair person and a few others who were there before the meeting made me feel very welcome.  I got the new members packet/literature and we chatted a bit before the meeting started.

The meeting topic was honesty.  I let most of the others speak before I spoke.  I admitted that being in the other program has helped me move toward this group and that I have been making poor excuses to not attend my GA meetings.  Seriously.  I painted my fingernails the other night instead of going to a GA meeting.  How lame is that?  LOL

And then I moved on to the reason I was there.  My family history (my dad) with the disease of alcoholism runs deep and has penetrated several areas of my life.  It has really taken a toll on my relationships with men.  This is where I need the most help, I believe.

I also learned that this program is all about me, not a disease.  Just my reaction to the users/addict.  Interesting concept for me to grasp, since I am an addict by nature.  LOL

I believe I have a fear of commitment, and so I tend to attract and be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me.  While on the surface, this bugs me, I think down deep it’s what I’ve been after. 

I tend to migrate towards men who need to be “fixed,” like the Neighbor Guy.  Thankfully, I was self-aware enough to see what I was doing and I removed myself from that situation and jumped head first (maybe feet first) into another situation with a co-worker that was completely toxic for me.

This one took me a few months to get out of.  I could see what I was doing, but I didn’t care.  I was just after that instant gratification.  Something eventually snapped and I removed myself from it. 

As I sat and listened throughout the meeting, I realized that enablers and care takers are just like me, the addict.  They become addicted to the addict themselves and the behavior that surrounds them.

I will now be working on myself, yet again, to see where this new evolution of myself takes me.  In a way I fear it and in another way, I’m looking forward to the changes I can feel happening within me.

I won’t know for a few weeks if I have found the part of me I felt was missing.  I do know that  by attending these meetings, as well as my GA meetings, it certainly can’t hurt me and they will most likely give me some insight into my own behavior and attitudes.

Attending the meeting last night was totally last minute and spontaneous.  I was looking for something and found the meeting list.  I felt the wild hair grow and I got dressed out of my jammies and headed out the door.   I’m glad I did.

I’m working on getting comfortable in my own skin again.  About six months ago, I was feeling good about me and feeling quite comfortable, but even then, I knew there was something lacking in my life.  Whether it was external or internal, I didn’t know, I just knew it was missing.     I’ve talked to my doctor and we are working on upping my medications and putting me on some anti-anxiety stuff for when I need it.  I’ve only had to use it once in the last week since I got it, which is good!

As I start taking this road of self discovery, once again, the fear is palpable and malignant.  I walk forward, knowing the fear may make me take a few steps backwards before I completely find what I’m after.   I’m looking forward to the discoveries within me and of dealing with them and completely facing my ghosts and dealing with my demons.

It’s high time I start running my life, instead of my life running me.   Lady Antebellum’s new song really inspires me and reminds of how I used to run to the program.  And now, I will have two places to run too when life gets crazy and I don’t know how to handle it.

Protected: Ahhh the swooning continues….

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I’m so blogging about this!

Have you been witness to something where the first thought in your head was I am sooooo blogging about this!!!?

Yeah, me too.

The last few days here in my complex have been exciting, to say the least.  I’ve posted about both episodes.  Here is my third and hopefully my final drama from the ‘hood post.

Earlier today, my next door neighbor (Neighbor #1) had some friends over.  One of these friends happens to live on the other side of me in a different building (Neighbor #2).  Neighbors #1 and #2 were partying it up.  I could smell the weed in the common area and I could hear them coming and going all day long.

At one point, Neighbor #2 got into an argument with her daughter.  In my common area, they were screaming at each other.  I went out there and asked what was going on and they settled down.  The daughter later came over to apologize to me for the ruckus.

As the day progressed, I noticed some guys going in and out of the apartment and Neighbor #1 was getting louder and louder.   Oh boy!

About an hour and a half ago, I heard some screaming and slamming doors and then I heard them looking for Neighbor #2’s young son.   He is about two years old, wearing a diaper and some sandals.  He wandered out of Neighbor #1’s apartment and found his way out to the front of the building, in the street area of the parking lot.

I went out there and gathered him up and returned him to Neighbor #2.  At this moment, I saw Neighbor Girl (Neighbor Guy’s roommate) sitting out on her stoop so I went over to chat with her and talk shit about my neighbors.

Neighbor #1 then proceeded to run around the complex (which is predominatly black, BTW) screaming the word n*gger over and over.  She screamed it at the top of her lung, she whispered it, she said it in a normal voice and then said it so many times, the two year old started saying it.

Neighbor Girl and I tried to get her to stop and then Neighbor #2 came out to get her inside.   Neighbor #1 tripped and fell and could not get up she was so drunk.  Neighbor #2 and I lifted her up and carried her into the couch in her apartment, hoping she would pass out and stay there!  Just a dream, my friends.  Just a dream.

In the meantime, one of the visitors to Neighbor #1’s apartment came over to chat with us cause he was not digging the whole thing, I guess.  He let us both know immediately he likes white girls.  Great.  Neighbor Girl and D exchanged phone numbers and we just sat there chatting.  He was too young (26) for me, so I let her do the flirting thing.

Well then Neighbor #2 comes strolling over, hitting on D.  I mean, seriously hitting on him, trying to hook up! She put him on the spot so badly, I was dying.   My first thought was, damn I need to blog about this! My second thought was, poor D, how embarrassing for both of them.

I’m all about being blunt and assertive when it comes to things I want/like, but seriously!  I would never say the words so do you wanna fuck me or not in front of total strangers!   Nor would I say the words I just want some of that dick. Again, in front of me and Neighbor Girl.

D was as calm and gentlemanly as one can be in that situation, at least, I think so.  He turned her down.   However, as a woman, of course that would hurt her feelings and she left to go back into Neighbor #1’s apartment.

Neighbor #1 then proceeds to come running…errrr stumbling out to come “beat up” D for hurting the feelings of her friend.  Oh boy.  She was also still repeatedly saying the word we were trying to get her to STOP saying.

I finally had enough, asked them to relax and quiet down since I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and came inside.   I’ve listened to them come in and out repeatedly since then and I’m getting irritated.

I miss the other side of the complex.   I miss Miss Gold Tooth.  I miss the Thug Neighbors.  Shit.  I even miss the Bangers who lived next door before this girl moved in.  Crazy shit in this place.

Three nights in a row.   Three nights in a row something strange/weird or scary has happened here.  Hopefully tomorrow night will be better!

Until next time…

Silent Sunday…more than a memory….

nycwd-world1June 21, 2007.   Never forget.

The week was insane…

I’ve had a crazy week.  Literally.  And I’m okay with that.  Every now and then, I can feel those anxiety attacks coming along with the depression.   Every now and then, I actually do something about it instead of just suffering through.

I went to my doctor yesterday and we discussed a lot of stuff.  We are upping my meds for depression and going back to Lexapro.   She also gave me some anti-anxiety stuff in case I need it.  The Lexapro will be very expensive, until my insurance gets their heads outta their asses and covers it, but it will be worth it because it’s what I need.

I’m feeling okay today, still very anxious and fidgety, but better than during the week.

My bedroom is put back together.  I did most of it last night and then finished up this morning.   I cleaned the bathroom and it’s all shiny and clean looking.  I’ve done my laundry and put it all away, I’ve cleaned part of the kitchen and took out a buttload of trash.

I feel very productive.  Even in the 88 degree weather with 70% humidity, I did it all.  I’m breathing better today than I have in awhile and I’m just going to go with the flow and enjoy it.

Although I woke up all congested and feeling like ass, I’m enjoying my first day off.

Last night we had a little excitement around here.   I was sitting on my couch when suddenly, Josie started losing her mind.  I can usually tell the difference in her barks.  Ya know?  There’s her playful bark, the bark where she gets startled cause she hears something, the bark of someone out in the common area and then there is that bark.  You know the bark.  The bark that tells you there is an intruder and someone who is NOT supposed to be around is around.

She started this bark at the sliding glass door.  I went over to look and I saw some skinny guy with his sweatpants halfway around his ass walking away from my patio.

I then heard my neighbor yelling at someone on her patio.   A few minutes later, I hear a knock on my door and my neighbor yelling at someone in the common area.

I went out there and there was the skinny dude, barely able to walk or talk, cussing at my neighbor while she was telling him to leave.   We both told him to leave or we would call the cops and he kept saying that he would “do what he do.”  Uhhh okay fucker, just do what you do somewhere else.

Needless to say, someone ELSE called the cops on this guy so I went out there and gave the officer a description of him.  Some of the kids in the complex found where he was hiding and came back to tell the officer.

I knocked on neighbors door and we watched through her kitchen window at them hooking him up in cuffs and taking him away.  He was hiding in the bushes across the little bridge over the ditch.   When they walked him over to their car, his pants were around his ankles.  LOL

He was taken away and I came back over here to enjoy my evening.   I haven’t seen so much activity around here since I moved in.  Sheeeesh.

Day before yesterday we had the fight between the two women cause one of the women’s husband was trying to get laid by the other single lady.   The cops ended up at my door, but they needed my next door neighbor’s apartment.   Last night, this stoned dude is wandering around trying to get into apartments.  Awesome place I live.  Fantastic!

My productive day has come to an end.  Well not the day itself, but the productivity.   I’m not doing another thing today except maybe take a bath later.

Until next time…