The Soda Stand

Archive for July, 2009

This apartment complex is driving me insane.  Just freaking insane.  I hate coming home.   I hate driving into the parking lot.  I hate listening to the sounds of the people milling about, talking, yelling, laughing, fighting, drinking, etc.

Some of the sounds don’t drive me crazy.  The sounds like the children laughing and the birds chirping.   The sounds of the air conditioners running (yeah some of them have their a/c’s running even though it hasn’t gone above 85 in a week).

Some of the sounds and things that drive me crazy here:

• The teenagers who take over the playground from the younger ones.
• When the younger ones complain, they get pushed into the ditch – whether it’s full of water or not.
• The high pitched scream of one of the kids who makes it sound like he is being murdered.
• The constant come and go of friends of the neighbor.
• The constant talking, yelling, partying after 10:30pm every night right outside my bedroom window.
• The fights, the screaming and the yelling and partying after midnight on the weekends, right outside my bedroom window.
• Being called “mom” and “the snitch” by the neighbors because I don’t put up with their shit and I complain to the management.
• Not feeling safe anymore when I pull my car into the parking lot.

I worry more for my car and Josie than I do myself.   At least I’d go down fighting if they decide to beat my ass for talking to management and the cops when they show up.

The managers are going to move me if it doesn’t calm down in the next week or so.   I told them both I will continue doing the right thing whether they move me or not.   I do not pay almost $600 a month to listen to their bullshit and have to put up with them partying all the time at all hours of the day and night.

Considering one of the neighbors got into a fight with another neighbor last night (right outside my bedroom window), I’m going to the couch and if I fall asleep, more power to me!

Until next time…

Reality – the quality or state of being real ~ Miriam Webster dictionary.

Reality used to be a friend of mine ~ P.M. Dawn

I went to a GA meeting last night and the topic was dealing with reality.   Interesting topic, since most of us addicts don’t know what reality “really” is.  Right?

I lived in my own little world when I was practicing my addiction.   It didn’t matter what the “truth” was, I found a way to twist it and darken it to fit in my distorted view of things.

As the adult child of an alcoholic, I also find that those character traits and defects mirror the addict side of me.

I almost feel like I have two people living inside of me sometimes.  One day I’m acting self destructive in an addict way and the next I’m being co-dependent and enabling someone else’s self destructive behavior.

When I was growing up, I just knew that it was my fault my dad left.  I knew that had I been a better daughter, he never would have signed the divorce papers on my 5th birthday.   He would have stayed for my birthday, had I not been such a bad kid.

Had I been a better daughter, my dad would not have thrown his wife (not my mom) over the fence and dumped her in a puddle mud.  *giggle snort*  Yeah, that shit makes me laugh 27 years later.   The Step Monster never would have thrown a sleeping bag at my dad and hit me in the nose, causing the whole puddle of mud incident.

Had I been a better daughter, my dad never would have gotten back together with her.   He never would have continued his decades of drinking and he would not have left us again.

As an adult in recovery for two different things, I find that it’s not my fault.  None of his actions or Step Monster’s actions are my fault.  I did not cause them to be the way they were.   I did not cause my father to choose alcohol over his family.   I did not cause my father to abandon us and leave me scarred for life.

Now that I recognize things, I realize I could have used some help along time ago.  However, never one to look back and beat myself up for too long of a time, I know I’m doing the right things and heading down the correct path.   I can feel it, I can smell it and I can taste it.

I will always be in recovery.  I will always be recovering from my addiction, as well as my father’s addiction.   I will always live my life in a 12 step program, learning how to live with me and you.

I learn something about myself everytime I go to a meeting.  Whether that meeting is for my addiction or my reactions to my father’s addiction, I will always be learning something.

I’ve heard that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  I have teachers in my life that appear only when I’m ready.   Sometimes, I don’t even realize they are my teacher until they’ve left and moved on to a different student.

I’m hoping I continue down this path of self-discovery and awareness to the point where I can start getting out of some patterns I can’t seem to stop repeating.

While I recognize these patterns, I don’t seem to be able to stop them and start a healthier pattern.   The more meetings I go for both programs, the closer I will get to breaking the patterns of my past.

Until next time…

Okay….

I went to my Friday night GA meeting and when I got home, there was a group of about six people sitting on the stoop of my building.  Not one of them lives in this building.   They didn’t even move for me to get in.

I had to walk into the grassy area and around them.   As I entered the building, there were three empty packs of Newport cigarettes on the floor.

What do you think I did with them?

a)  Picked them up and threw them away in my trash can in the apartment.

b)  Picked them up and threw them in the little mail box area where we put unwanted mail.

c)  Opened the building door and kicked those fuckers out to the thugs.

If you chose C, you would have guessed correctly.

This place has gone downhill quickly and it makes me very unhappy.  It makes me unhappy because I can’t afford to move, damnit!!!!

I’ll probably go talk to the girls in the front office while I’m doing laundry tomorrow.   I’m going to inquire about a different one bedroom (yet again) on the other side of the complex.   I don’t care that I hate to move, I absolutely refuse to live around this shit all the time.

Refuse.

Until next time…

Every now and then, I feel very incompetent in my job.  While some days I feel like I’m getting a good grasp of things, days like today remind me that I have YEARS of stuff to learn.

Days like today intimidate me because they get me to question my own brain.  I know I’m not dumb.  I know I’m not a genius either, but sometimes I just feel stupid with my job.

There is so much to learn in my job that I get overwhelmed trying to do what I DO know and then learning the things that I don’t.   I learn something new everyday at work.  Some days, like today, freak me the fuck out.

A union/contract issue came up today and HR told me one answer while everyone in my office told me another.   And I was told I shouldn’t have known that as part of my job as the payroll processor person for the department.  *le sigh*

What I need to do is bring home the contract and memorize that shit so I don’t get into stuff like I did today.  It made me feel horrible.  It made me feel stupid.

While I’m stressing about that, I decided to check the payroll system to see how much my check is going to be and since there is no more OT for me, I freaked out even more.

Thank goodness this is a 3 paycheck month because otherwise I would be drowning more than I already am.   I’ve amped up my hunt for a 2nd, part time job and I’m hoping to find something out about an evening receptionist position I applied for.

I’ve got my resume’ and applications in to about 10 different places and I’m planning on going online again tonight and sending more.

I’m going to be getting rid of the DVR, it’s $15 a month I can’t afford anymore.  I’m also considering getting a land line and dumping the cell phone.   However, I need to figure out what to do about the cell phone cause I have about 22 months left on the contract.

I’ve considered drawing my Nevada retirement, 15 years early.  But the penalties on that turn my stomach to pure acid and I don’t think I’m going to do that.

I’ve sold most of my books and DVD’s already, so I don’t have more to throw on e-bay.   I have my one cell phone that I can throw on there, but really, how much will I get from that?

I’ve been trying to think out of the box on this and it’s hurting my head.  It hurts my head, it turns my stomach and all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball on my bed and rocking back and forth.

Yes, I took my meds today.

Oh, that’s another issue I’m stressed about.  I’m almost out of my meds and I don’t know that I will be able to afford them this month.   However, since they are necessary things, I’m going to rob Peter and Paul to pay Mary so that I can get them.

Yes, I’m freaking out.   Yes, I’m laying a lot out there, but I needed a place to vent and this is my safe place to do so.

I got the transcription equipment a few weeks ago and I’ve applied for a few at-home positions doing that, however, haven’t heard anything back.  I’ve applied for some medical transcription things too and they want me to have an education in that before hiring me.

This adds another thought process for me to go through.   I need to research some of the online schools and some here in town that I can get financial aid for and then go to school for the medical transcription stuff.

I’m already in my jammies and I’m planning on a hot bubble bath soon to relax.

Until next time…

I had about 5 hours of fitful sleep last night.   After sleeping like that, I had to get up at o’dark thirty to get ready for work and payroll.

Payroll started smoothly, I’ve been given a reprieve on one of the bureaus we do because they are now no longer part of our budget, so my initial work load has been lightened a great deal.

After we did the break downs and the keying portion of things, it was time to get into the nitty gritty and do the edit (where we catch 90% of the errors).  OH MY FLIPPING GAWD!!!!!  It was horrible.   We started this portion at 10:30 a.m. and we finally finished it a few minutes after 2pm.  It normally takes us about 2 hours to complete the 1st and 2nd edits, so you can tell it was a bad edit!

Once we did that portion, we had to go through the edit a second time to catch any errors we made during the first edit (this is where we find another 5-9% of the errors made in payroll).

This part of it took us until 3pm exactly.   I did not get a lunch, so I was able to leave the office at 3:30 p.m. instead of 4pm.

My lack of sleep and my brain being full of mush after that hellish day at work is not the time for me to be venting about certain things in my life.

However, since I’m feeling so full of resentment, fear, pain and anger, I’ve decided to go ahead and vent.

I have a few issues with a few people in my life and I’m finding it difficult to approach them about it.   While I know a good portion of it is MY issue and has absolutely nothing to do with them, I also know that it’s not just in my imagination and I do know it’s happening to an extent.

While I’m struggling with my own demons, I am refusing to talk to certain people about this because it’s not something that is easily shared.   I find that the pain and hurt feelings I’m experiencing are over shadowing my logical thought process with situations like this.

There is one person I have not spoken to (online or otherwise) since before my trip to Georgia and I’m okay with that for right now.  My resentments and my fear of rejection keep me from talking to them or any others I feel this way about.

One thing I’ve learned to be throughout the last 8 years is honesty.  No matter what I’m feeling, if I’m honest to myself and others about it, I’m going to be okay in the long run.   Right now, though, I don’t feel okay and I don’t feel like talking to these people at all.  Ever again.   It’s a bad thing because I need these people in my life like everyone needs air to breathe.

In the last several months, I’ve been going through an evolution and I’m trying to find my footing.   While I know I’m NOT, I feel very alone in this process.   I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about it and so I end up isolating myself and making myself feel worse.

For the most part and 90% of the time, I feel pretty good about the direction my life is taking.   I’m still involved in GA, I’m getting involved in Al-Anon and finding out things about myself that are hurtful, but will end up helping me grow as a person.    I’m looking in my own mirror more often and I’m not taking everyone’s inventory.   I take a daily inventory of my actions before going to bed at night and I ask for forgiveness and the strength and courage to forgive myself.   Every.single.night.

I don’t have an exciting life.  I don’t want one right now.   I want my healing time and my time in recovery to find out where this new evolution is taking me.

I know that my small circle of friends would be there for me if I asked for help or advice.   I know this.   I’m not ready to do that yet.   I’m exploring my new thinking processes and this new 12 step program I’ve found myself in.

While GA is going to help me recovery from my addiction, the other will help me recovery from the emotional damage I’ve let fester for years.  I have found that it’s not about my father.   It’s about ME and the way I’ve let things develop in my life as a result of his actions and the way I respond to people.

It’s unsettling to find, after almost 8 years in recovery, that I’m not as emotionally recovered as I thought I was a year ago.   Then again, this new evolution could be yet another lesson I’m learning and I had to move here and go through all this shit to get where I’m at right now.

These are just some things going through my head at the moment.  Ask me tomorrow and none of this will bother me.  LOL   Ask me an hour from now and it’ll be a blurry memory in my mind.  Currently, at this moment and this moment only, this is how I’m feeling.   Take what you like and leave the rest.

Until next time…

I think the weather is messing with me! It’s warm and humid, cloudy and dreary. Yet it’s not raining! I wish it would just rain already!!!

I was feeling all gung ho this morning. I woke up early, took a shower and got dressed for church at the place down the street from me.

I got out to my car and my right front tire was mostly flat. There is no nail or other object stuck in the tire. I sat there for a second, trying to decide what to do. Do I change the tire myself or drive it very slowly to the gas station around the corner to fill it with air?

It actually drove halfway decent since it wasn’t all the way flat (just about 90% flat). *le sigh* It took me awhile to get the air into the tire since it was so empty and when I was done, my hands and my pants had black gunk from the tires all over them.

It took me HOURS of trying at different times to scrub that shit off my hands. It made me stabby.

I changed back into some shorts and a t shirt and took Josie for a walk around 1pm. I was sweating my ass off.

Since OT is over, I decided to check out the budget and I’m not pleased. Not pleased at all! However, I did send my resume in for a part time evening receptionist position. We’ll see what happens with that. I’ve also put some applications in at a few tanning places. Not that I really want to work outside of the home, but yanno, I have to do what I have to do.

After preparing the budget and going through it, I realized I’m far more into the negative each month than I thought I was. And at the moment, since there isn’t anything I can do about that, I’m trying very hard not to freak out and decide I want to go back to Vegas to a job that pays me well and will get me back on the road to financial recovery.

I’m quite happy with the changes I’ve made since moving here spiritually and emotionally and I don’t want to go back to that hell hole of a city known as Las Vegas.

Going through my finances has made me so cranky, I’m not doing anything the rest of the day except relax, clean up some stuff that I didn’t get to yesterday and make some dinner.

Until next time…

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I love ellipticals. I love how easy they are on my joints and I love how good I feel after I’ve used one.

I used to work out all the time. I was a member at the gym for a few years before leaving Las Vegas. I worked out several times a week and I felt great.

Since I moved, I got myself out of that habit somehow and it’s irritating me because I can’t seem to get back into it.

I’ve tried a few times and I’ve let my laziness seep back into my being.

I’m unmotivated and unwilling to really kick it into high gear right now. I don’t know what it will take to get me back to that motivated woman who used to work out all the time.

I don’t know what it will take to get me eating healthy again and working out like I used too.

We got that elliptical in the firehouse and I’ve used it a grand total of 5 times. I was proud of myself each time I used it. I now beat myself up for NOT using it more often.

If someone finds my motivation, please send it back to me. kthxbai.

Until next time…

I slept so fitfully last night, my bed was completely undone and pillows were everywhere.   I slept from about 11pm until 10:30 this morning.  Well, not exactly slept the entire time, I tossed and turned and woke up A LOT.

I woke up with a migraine and instead of letting it get the best of me, I took some Excedrin migraine stuff and then started vacuuming and cleaning.

This is what I’ve done so far:

• Vacuumed the kitchen and dining room floors.
• Vacuumed the living room – even moving the furniture around to do it.
• Vacuumed the bedroom floor and front entrance hallway floor.
• Vacuumed the bathroom floor.
• Went through a bunch of papers that had piled up, separating the bills from the trash.
• Dusted the living room furniture
• Dusted the bedroom furniture
• Went through the latest Avon order to deliver Monday at work.
• Collected a bunch of trash and have it sitting at the door ready to take out.

I still have my headache, but it’s sitting on the back burner and I am refusing to allow it entrance into my day.

I’m now sitting here, relaxing and watching some reruns of NCIS on my DVR that I recorded throughout the week.

I’ve decided I don’t like my new phone that I got recently.  It’s a nice phone, but I’m just not digging it.  I miss using my Rumor and I miss the QWERTY keyboard.   I contacted Sprint via their webpage (they didn’t answer the phoen when I called) and am waiting for an answer on how to switch back to the Rumor and how much it would cost me to do that.

The rest of my day is going to be spent organizing all my bills and going through my budget for the next few months.  There is no more OT at work, so it’s going to impact my budget in a huge way.

Hope ya’ll have a great Saturday afternoon and evening!

Until next time…

I woke up almost everyday this week, wondering it was NOT Friday.  Today?  I can finally say it’s Friday!!!!!  YAY!

I’ve been really busy at work this week and it’s going to get worse next week!  I had the quarterly OSHA stuff to do, a semi-annual OSHA report to do and then some year end stuff to do.  Holy crap!

Next week, we have payroll, year end vacation tracking stuff and the State is coming in to audit our payroll records.   I have to go through them all today and pull out any that were not signed by a supervisor and send them for signatures and request to have them back by Wednesday of next week.

Oh and then I have to get my OSHA stuff ready to be audited.  Yikes!

I wasn’t feeling all that hot yesterday after work.  I stayed on the couch most of the evening and ended up falling asleep around 7pm or 7:30 there on the couch.  I woke up at 11pm and went to bed.   I woke up quite a bit during the night, but I was basically in bed until my alarms went off this morning and I’m feeling groggy from sleeping so much!  At least I’m feeling better than I was last night!

Tonight, Miss Laci and I are going to go see some the super old (1920’s) version of Phantom of the Opera movie downtown.  I’m looking forward to it!  Then again, whenever I get to hang out with one of mah bitches, I’m happy!

Saturday, I’m planning on going to the 9am GA meeting and then I have a PR committee meeting after that.   The PR committee and I (the website administrator) are going to work together for PR stuff for the program.  I think we can really touch a lot of people and spread the word.  We’ll see what we come up with!

I hope you all have a fantastic Friday!

Until next time…

This afternoon, I found out that the 20 year old son of my former boss in Vegas was in a car accident near Ft. Smith, Arkansas.

I called Former Boss and spoke to him a bit and found out the details.  His son just entered the National Guard and was assigned at Ft. Smith.  His new friends took him out and about to show him around Saturday night (or something like that.)

On their way back to Ft. Smith, they were hit head on by a woman who pulled out in front of them.

The car rolled over several times and in the process, the seatbelt broke and he was ejected from the vehicle.   They airlifted him to a hospital in Little Rock where he is right now with some extremely serious injuries.

He has a collapsed/punctured lung, broken pelvis, fractured skull and possibly a broken back.   He is in and out of consciousness and knows his dad is there.

The doctors expect him to recover, but currently they are worried about pneumonia setting in and will soon be starting the surgeries they need to perform on him.

Please send your prayers, healing & positive vibes their way.   My heart just aches for both father and son.   I’ve known his son since he was born and it’s hard to imagine this kid laying in the hospital like that.   He’s always been a very vibrant, happy person and it pains me to know he’s in so much pain and in such bad shape.

His recovery will be slow, tedious and hard, but there will be a recovery, thank God.