The Soda Stand

Archive for September, 2009

In my last post I said I didn’t have much to say, well that’s changed.  Go figure!  I think this may be a little random, but whatev.  I dreamt of Las Vegas last night and so it got me to thinking a lot this morning.

A lot of this has been on my mind for awhile now, butI haven’t been sharing it because I didn’t know how to express the feelings I’m experiencing and none of it is really negative.

I’ve been thinking alot about my life since moving from Las Vegas.  I make lists of things.  I make lists and compare my life.  One portion of my lists that make me unhappier than I was in Las Vegas is the financial end of things.

My emotional, mental and physical happiness has grown since I moved here.  Yes, my allergies have gotten worse and I’ve developed asthma, but damn I’m more at peace here than I ever was in Las Vegas.

Another portion of my lists that make me unhappier is the amount of GA meetings.  Woooweeee what I wouldn’t give to have a GA meeting every day of the week at 10am and 1pm and 8pm.   What I wouldn’t give for a GA meeting at 10am on a Saturday and 11am on a Sunday.

I try to adapt and learn.  I try to accept it for what/how it is.  I do pretty well for the most part, but every now and then, I lose my shit.  I get tired of seeing and hearing the same people over and over again.  I get tired of hearing so much negativity and not letting it seep into my pores.  The energy transference is hard to keep at bay.  Sometimes, I let that negativity take over me (as evidenced by the recent funk I was in).

I get tired of hearing about gambling and how they gambled and how much they gambled.  I want to hear about their recovery!  I want to hear how the program helped them!

And I’m so tired of bitching about my financial situation, I’m just going to say that I’m grateful I found this 2nd job finally and I’m hoping things start to even out and maybe even get a little better.

I’ve worked in the front office twice and that money has already helped me out tremendously.   I am working in the office again this Saturday and the following.

I may end up taking my birthday off from there.  I am waiting to hear about some training classes at church for the group thing and one of the days of training is all day on the 26th.

I really think getting involved more at church and with these groups will help me at the same time I’m helping others.  I have so much to learn about the church, God, and myself, I am looking forward to the opportunity to do it together with Him.

Things I do not miss about Las Vegas – bullet style:

• The weather.  I really don’t miss the heat.  I really don’t miss the hot wind blowing in my face and it seems to always be windy there.
• The traffic.  I do not miss sitting in traffic for 45 minutes one way going to work.
• The insidious nature of the culture there.  I don’t miss all the casinos.  I don’t miss walking into a convenience store and seeing slot machines.  I do not miss having casinos on every freaking corner.
• My job.  I loved my job.  But I don’t miss it.  I miss the people I worked with, but not the job.  Oh, and I miss that paycheck.  Something fierce!
• Not having the feeling of spiritual fitness.  I didn’t feel spiritually fit there.  I didn’t even feel remotely close to it.  Now I do.  I’m closer to God here.
• The desert.  I do not miss the desert.  I do not miss the dust or the brown-ness of everything around me.   Just dull!
• The image people have of us who live/d there is strange.  I don’t miss living there for that reason.  I remember having to explain to people that yes, I live in Las Vegas.  No I do not live in a casino.  Yes, there are families here.

And now that I got that shit off my mind, I’m going to go finish getting ready for work.  Glad it’s Wednesday and hump day!

Until next time…

I haven’t had much to say lately.  Things are rolling along like they should.  I wake up, I go to work, I come home.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I did, however, discover World of Warcraft.  I’ve downloaded the 10 day free trial and am playing the CRAP out of that game.  I don’t know that I’ll continue playing it after the 10 days are up, due to the lack of funds to support that habit.

My 2nd job is going great.  I love it.  I work by myself for the first time this Saturday and I’m just real excited about that.  Maybe because it’s so new and so different, but I enjoy my work days there in the front office more than I do my Monday thru Friday gig.  Whatev.  I’m getting paid for both so I’m trying not to complain!

I’m also waiting to hear from the lady at church about meeting about my application to be a facilitator for one of the recovery groups there.  I’m attending one of their worship and group sessions on Thursday evening after work, so hopefully I can meet with her then to get things going.

Beyond that, my apartment is a mess and I’m not caring at the moment.  LOL  Honestly, all I can think about is going back in WoW and trying a new character and server.

It’s almost bedtime, so I’m going to go relax a bit and hopefully fall asleep quickly.

Until next time…

I have Scars by Papa Roach playing in my head and I don’t know why.  I haven’t heard the song since yesterday at the office when the iPod shuffled to it.  At like 11am.

I also have a Rose Kennedy quote going through my head that I heard on an episode of Criminal Minds yesterday.

Actually, if I’m honest, I have a lot of shit on my mind that is just swirling and swirling.  Some of it takes shape and some of it does not take shape and just keeps swirling.

I have this post on my mind that this awesome lady did.  I actually brings yet another thought to my head.  Taking my inventory and making sure I don’t take yours.

At the end of every day, I take a few minutes and I go through my day in my head (and usually put it on paper) and if I realize I wronged someone, I make amends as soon as possible.   At the end of each day, I thank my Higher Power for getting me through yet another day where imperfect people make imperfect decisions, including myself.

I thank Him for giving me the strength to get through a day without malicious intent or word.   I thank Him for giving me the courage and wisdom to not make a bet that day.  I thank Him for helping me change from the inside out and become a better person.

Every morning, I read my Day At a Time book meditation and I pray.  I say the third step prayer and ask that He guide me in my daily activities and not let me stray from His will.

Throughout my day, I say the Serenity Prayer.  Especially if someone wrongs me in some way.  If they piss me off or upset me or hurt my feelings, I say the Serenity Prayer for them.

I pray for people who are mean and for people who have hurt me or angered me in the past.   I pray for the truth.  No matter what truth that is, I pray for it.

I ask to be guided in all that I do and say.   I ask to have all of my resentments removed and my defects of character to be manageable for the day.

I came home early yesterday and took a nap.  I woke up from that nap resentful, hateful and angry.   In the dream I had, people hurt me and were stabbing me in the back (metaphorically) and talking about me in a negative, hateful and malicious way.   When I get hurt, my first response is anger.  I cover the pain with that.

It took me about half an hour to get over that anger and resentment carried over from my dream.

As you know, I’m wanting to go to Florida in October.   Will I actually make it there?  Who knows.  My finances have been so horrible, I don’t know if I’ll be able to justify the trip.   What I do know is that I can’t do it on my own.  I would need some people to split the costs and what not.

I’m working on that and I’m journaling about it and I’ll make my decision when the time is right.

Everyday I make sure I do the next right thing for me.  I pray for guidance at all times of the day and night.  I pray that I am led down the right path for this day and this day only.  I can’t worry about tomorrow yet.  It’s not here!

So many people are going through so much pain and anguish right now.  Divorces, separations, deaths, loss of jobs, loss of income, etc.  I pray for those people too.  I pray they find the path for them and find strength.

I’m turning in my application to be a facilitator for a recovery group at church tomorrow.   It was about 12 pages of questions and some of the answer were lengthy.   I’m hoping I get the opportunity to serve, however, if I do not, I’ll just go to those groups and get involved that way.

I’ve always wanted to help people and through the 12 step programs I’m in, I’ll be able to take that experience, strength and hope with me into a setting that is safe and nonjudgmental for others.

Getting ready for my 2nd job now.  Hope the day goes by fast like last week.  If not, at least I’ll be getting paid to hang out with the Assistant Manager all day!

Until next time…

I’m home from work already.  I woke up with my eyes all funked up and goopy from allergies.  Awesome!  My eyes were so bloodshot, you could not see the whites of em.   I put my allergy eye drops in and waited for the magic to happen.   And waited some more.

My eyes started feeling a little better as I was getting ready for work.  They were still kind of burning and itchy, but not as red or irritated feeling.

However, they got worse throughout the day at work.  Could have been the eye strain from doing the bureau payrolls and the other stuff I did while I was at work.

I took the last 2 hours of the shift as vacation time and came home.  I’m getting ready to put an ice pack on my eyes and lay down.

I have not had a real vacation since I moved here.  Yes, I’ve taken road trips to see my family and friends and I’ve gone to Vegas for a weekend.  The Vegas trip was over a year ago and it was such a short trip, I didn’t get to enjoy seeing my friends the way I would have liked.

Yesterday, I was feeling pretty burnt from my job.  You’ll think “well damn, she’s only had that job for a little over a year.”  But guess what?  I’ve been in the public safety side of civil service since I was 22.  Going on 18 years here folks.  Police and fire.  Public safety.  Two of the most stressful occupations out there.  Granted, I’m not a police officer or a firefighter, but I can guarantee you, it’s stressful on my side of the fence.

After hearing about the shooting yesterday in Las Vegas where the firefighters got shot at and one Police sergeant got shot.  I got twitchy.  Seriously twitchy.  It’s my extended family they were shooting at.  The police officers I used to work with and my brothers and sisters in the IAFF Union.

I realized at that moment, when I felt all that empathy and compassion for the officers and firefighters, I know I’m not burnt out.  I just need a vacation.

I need a vacation where it takes me away from responsibility and it takes me away for more days than just a weekend.  A beach.  A place I’ve never been.

I’ve decided to try to work into my budget, a trip to Florida in October to go to Avitable’s Halloween party.  I’ve already taken care of the vacation time from work (read:  I have enough vacation time to take a week off if that’s what I need/want).  Now it’s just working in the money for the actual trip.

With my second job and selling some of my belongings (DVDs, books, etc,) I’ve kept my head above water for awhile, but don’t know if I will really be able to afford it.  I was hoping to find some people to go with me to offset the cost and split the gas, hotel room, etc

I asked the Bitches if they wanted to go, but they all said they can’t go and so that leaves me sitting here wondering if I’ll make it there myself.  Who knows.  I’m going to pray about it and keep saving my pennies.  If I get travel partners, it won’t totally break the bank for me.  If I can’t find travel partners, I might as well not even plan on going because I know with 100% certainty I can’t afford to pay for the trip on my own.

And on that note, I’m off to lay down with that above mentioned ice pack.  See ya on the flip side.

Until next time…

I’ve gone through so much since moving here to Kentucky, I sometimes sit and wonder “what’s next.” What is God (or my disease/addiction) going to throw at me next?

And then I realize that pity party is not where I want to be, so I get up off that pity pot and I move forward. I accept the situation I’m in (sometimes I do not like the situation, but I accept it) and I learn and grow and feel better for having gotten up off my ass.

Everyone knows I’ve been looking for a second job, close to or at home and that wouldn’t take me out of the house at night during the week. I know. It seemed a lot to ask. However, I know my own limitations and I know when I get overwhelmed with commitment, I tend to shut down and not do anything.

I’ve found that second job. It takes away a weekend day, however, it’s going to really help me out financially and that’s where I need most of the help.

I’ve been going to my GA meetings regularly again.  I’ve committed to going every Friday night and anytime in between I feel the urge to go to a meeting.  I missed last Friday night because of a horrendous migraine, so I’ll be going to a meeting tonight to make up for last week.  AND I’ll be going to the Friday night meeting anyway.

I went through a phase of not enjoying GA.  I went through a phase of resenting the people in the program here.  I let personalities get ahead of the principles of the program.

I’m not proud of that statement, but it’s the truth.  I tend to lean towards the truth of the matter, no matter how ugly or selfish it sounds, I’ll be honest.

Once I got through most of this phase (I’ll admit I’m still in it a bit), I realized it was something I had to go through.  I had to go through this phase of evolution to learn something more about myself.  I’ve remained involved in the planning of the National convention next May and I’m the chairperson/committee head of the website information and have been considering taking on another service role.

I’ve slacked horrendously on the Al-Anon front.  I just haven’t been able to bring myself to go to more of those meetings.  I don’t know what it is.  I know that program would do nothing but help me grow and learn more, but something is holding me back from actually getting involved.  Fear?

I could blame it on laziness, however, it’s just down the street from me and on Tuesday nights, I don’t feel lazy – I just find other things to do rather than go to that meeting.

I went to church last Sunday and our retired minister was the guest speaker.  WOW!  I can see why people love him so much.  He was truly inspirational and a wonderful preacher.  I got a lot out of that service.

I also picked up some information on their singles groups and CARE groups.  The CARE groups are for people in recovery.  Of any kind.  They are looking for people to serve in this ministry and I felt the calling.  I’ve been in contact with the main person for this ministry and we are going to continue communicating and figure out where I would best serve the people there.

As long as it’s free, I’ll take part in it.  I’ve started getting heartburn whenever I have to spend money to take part in anything.  It almost makes me feel like a miser with the money, however, when you don’t have any to speak of – I guess it’s being frugal?  Who knows.

I’m beginning to freak out about my 40th birthday.  I know.  It’s just another day.  It’s just another year.  But it’s really got me soul searching and wondering if I’m exactly where/what I want to be.

I was talking to my mom last night and crying about where I am in life and she said something so profound and shocking, I laughed.  She said “you’re 8 years behind.”  Basically, I was so busy gambling previously, I’ve been trying to catch up for the last 8 years of recovery.    I immediately stopped being so hard on myself about where I am in life.

I have a steady full time job (no matter how unhappy it makes me sometimes, I have it.)  I have a fun part time job.  No matter how I struggle paycheck to paycheck, I still have a roof over my head, food in my belly and my family and friends to keep me focused.

I’m kind of rambling right now, thanks to all the different thoughts going through my head!   I hope ya’ll have a great day!

Until next time…

Miss Laci got me a cute little necklace for Christmas and it has those three words on it. Faith, hope and love. Three of the most important things I can focus on daily.

I have faith daily that God will guide me in the direction he wants me to go. I have hope that things will get better for me in God’s time and I have love for self and all of my family and friends. I have those three things with me always when I wear this necklace.

I’ve been very calm and serene at work lately. Actually, ever since I blew a fuse last week about my supervisor. It made me feel so much better. Her behavior did not change, just my attitude changed.

Yesterday at work, I was cruising through the day, being super busy and fixing things. The shredder was broken last week by someone unknown. Whoever jammed it up, left it there for us to fix. Awesome! I wanted to thank them by dumping the shreddings on their desk and all over their office. However, I did not know who it was.

I took the shredder all apart and finally got it unjammed and got rid of all the paper jammed in there. *le sigh* It was horrible! And in the middle of me sweating like crazy and having it streaming down my face and soaking my hair, my crush came in to say hello. Awesome. Oh well. He had me laughing in no time (as usual) and I finished fixing the stupid shredder right after he left.

Near the end of the shift, I was given three memos. Each had a list of equipment and uniform stuff that were turned in on 8/30 for retirement on 9/1. Ummm seriously?

I called the district chief and found out that these memos were to serve as their retirement letters. Are you fucking kidding me? So today when I go in, I have to rush and scramble to do the paperwork to get them out of the payroll system as of yesterday.

If they are on the payroll even one day for September, their pensions will get screwed up. I’d love to make each of them wait until October. I’m a bitch like that. However, I know they will want me to process them immediately. So I will.

During this little fiasco, one of those retiring called me to check on things. I told him I had not started the process at all yet because I had just received the memo listing his equipment. I asked him if he would be sending me a retirement letter and he proceeded to go off on me. He said he would blame me if his pension got messed up for September and he was not happy with this.

I told him to back off and take some ownership. HE is the one who did not let us know he was retiring until the day before he fucking retires. HE is the one who did this. Not me. I told him I would not take responsibility if his pension got messed up – that honor belonged to him. But I did promise to do the paperwork as fast as I could, hopefully getting it in there in time.

This left me in a pissy mood when I left the office. I’m not going to take ownership of someone else’s bullshit and behavior. These fuckers have no idea or if they do, they don’t give a shit, what we have to do to ensure they are taken off the payroll in time for their retirement date. Amazingly, there is no SOP for retirements. At a place where there are SOPs for freaking every little thing – there is not one for retirements. *le sigh*

I stopped by the office here at the complex on my way home to pick up my Avon order. I’m going to be working a few nights this week for training with the manager. Since my next work date is not until the 12th, the manager and I don’t want me to forget everything I learned last Saturday!

Train Wreck moved out in the middle of the night last Friday. She was hoping no one would notice until her rent was not paid. One of the other neighbors over there helped her move. She’s threatening to take them to small claims court. In her letter she sent, she was complaining about all the noise and problems over on that side. Uh. SHE was the main noise maker and problem over there on that side.

I guess I should get ready for work now. I hadn’t posted in a few days so I felt the need to write this super long, almost 800 word post to entertain you!

Until next time…