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Archive for October, 2009

Take me for who I am, not what I’ve been

The spots that were removed from my right arm have turned into quite the dramarama if you ask me.

They are all pink and “angry” looking.  They are both still a little swollen and goopy looking.  They both itch like a mutha fucker and I’m refusing to cover them now.

I had been covering them every few hours for an hour or so and then taking the wraps off.  Well, I’ve stopped wrapping them at all because they would dry up and stick to the gauze and/or ace bandage.  And then I’d have to either rip some of the scabby off or get my whole arm wet every time I unwrapped it.

I’m washing them with antibacterial soap every few hours and when I’m at home, I use hydrogen peroxide, then I put the Bacitracin on them to help the healing process.

I’m also taking my antibiotics I picked up this morning, so hopefully they start looking really well the next few days.  I’m feeling pukey today and I know it is because of the Keflex I’m taking.  Blech.  Makes me sick to my tummy!   I eat with it, so that seems to help a bit, but damn I just want to lay down and sleep this quesy feeling away!  LOL  I need to take care of this infection quickly because I can’t go to the doctor again for at least a week and I’m hoping I don’t have to make an ER trip over it.  Cross your fingers the steps I’m taking take care of it!

I’ve been looking at laptops lately. Just because Miss Laci has offered to sell me her old one when she gets her new one. She’s graciously offered to let me make a few payments in order to pay her what she’s asking. Once I get a laptop, I can go to Starbucks or somewhere else to use their free wifi and get my school work done there and away from all these distractions.

I have zero plans this weekend.  Yes, I know it’s Halloween and yes I know I could go out partying or having a good time.  I’m choosing not to for several reasons I don’t feel like listing here.   One of those reasons I will mention though, the Keflex.  I can’t drink while I’m on it and who wants to go out and not even be able to enjoy one cocktail?  Unless of course, you are addicted to alcohol, then I can see wanting to go out without having at least one cocktail.

I’ve nickel and dimed my personal and vacation time so much this week.  Ugh.  The 3 hours I was going to have as OT on my check have been converted to flex time.  So for todays lab work that got me here 2.5 hours later than normal, I’m using my personal time I have accrued.  Everything else for this week has been flexed and taken care of.  I won’t get the extra $$ on my check, but at least it saves me some vacation time.

I make a crappy peon.  Seriously.  I was so spoiled in Vegas working for the Greatest Boss Ever and I’m feeling that separation anxiety I did not feel when I first moved or started here.   Things have changed so much this spoiled little girl wants her GBE back.  However, in order for that to happen, I’d have to move back to Vegas, get rehired and go through years of trying to get there.  Not happening for several reasons.  Number one reason is I don’t want to ever live in Vegas again.  Blech.  The thought just makes me cringe and unhappy.

I will pull up my big girl panties and deal with the bullshit here.  I’ll bitch about it and I’ll move forward.  I’ll bitch some more and I’ll move forward.   One day I won’t be a peon anymore.

Until next time…

Lots on the mind of this blogger

I have so much on my mind, I do not know where to begin.

I went to the regular doctor yesterday and walked out with 4 prescriptions I can’t get filled because of my finances.  I asked for samples and she was able to get me a sample of the nose spray I am to use for my allergies/sinus issues – which she thinks might be causing the dizziness and headaches.  We are trying the spray for 7-10 days and if I keep getting the headaches and dizziness, I’ll go back in for a MRI to see what’s going on in that head of mine. 

Beyond that, she didn’t have any samples to provide me, so I’m digging up the pennies in the deepest, darkest corners of my closet, drawers, pockets, etc.  I’m sure I’ll dig up some!  And yes, I do have insurance.  And yes, I do have co-pays on them.  I just happen to have spent my last $$ for the dermatology appointment the day before this doctors appointment.  Those co-pays took the last of my money I had in the bank that wasn’t already going out on a bill/check.

The antibiotic she wants me to use for the allergic reaction I had to the neosporin and latex bandage is easy peasy to get cause Target, Walmart and several others have it on their generic $4 list!  I’ll be going after work tonight to get that one.  I was going to go last night, but I ended up working until almost 8:30 so all the pharmacies were closed (at least, the ones by me were).

Also on my mind is the loss of friendship, loss of love, loss of importance we experience throughout our lives.  I got an email from a GA friend yesterday that was talking about when someone walks out of your life, you need to let them and not fight to keep them.  Easier said than done, I think!

While I’m not in a current situation like this, I have started to teach myself how to do this.  If someone really wants to walk out of my life, who am I to stop them?  I’m certainly not going to beg to keep their friendship/love/whatever.  While I might argue a little bit, I will eventually just shut up and let them walk.  I’m talking more about friendships and friends than romantic relationships (since I have zero experience in the last 6 months with that!)

And as long as it’s not done hatefully, I’ll continue loving the person as a friend until I’m proven they don’t deserve it.   If they try to make me feel stupid, if they are bitchy to me, about me or towards me, I might get resentful, but I won’t hate them. 

Sometimes I wish I was a cutter.  I could just cut them out of my life and not give them a second thought.  But there are some people in my past who walked out of my life that I want to remember forever.   There are some people who touched me so emotionally and on a level of such friendship, I choose not to forget about them or how close we were.   I may not fight to get them back or keep them in my life, but my thoughts are always positive and loving.

I’m going in tomorrow morning to give blood for my yearly cholesterol test and I’m sure I’m going to need meds for it.  At least until I get back into a healthier eating habit.   She was pleased with the steps I’m taking for self improvement and was so worried about my arm and the latex allergy.   She was going to put this sticky, stretchy stuff on my arm but realized it has latex in it, so she wrapped my arm up in an ace bandage.  Bulky, but it gets the job done!

I realized over the course of the last several days, Professor Tigger seems to want me to post something on the discussion boards every single day of the week.   I was trying to post every other day – either a response to someone or an original post – so that would give me about 5 posts per unit in the semester.  Ummm not enough for him.  He gave me a 28/30 for my discussion board participation this past week and his comment was “You need to post more responses for a better grade.”   Fucking.seriously.  

So instead of arguing with him, I went into the past discussion boards and counted how many posts I made and I was/am making an average of 4-7 posts per unit week.  How is that not involved?   Whatev.  I’ll just start posting 8-10 times per unit week and we’ll see if that raises my grade in that section of class.

This post is kind of rambly and I don’t care.  I’m not going to take the time to edit it.  If you got down here through all 800 words of it, I thank you and love you!

Until next time…

Hump day and another doctor’s appointment!

It’s hump day and I’m planning on another doctor’s appointment.  This time it’s with my regular doctor and it’s about my meds and my headaches and what not, that I mentioned in a previous post.

Once I get this one taken care of and get back on a normal schedule of my Nexium, I’m thinking I’m going to start feeling right as rain physically.  I need to set a dentist appointment for before the end of the year and a ob/gyn for my mammogram and yearly exam.  I need to do that one before the end of the year as well because they are suddenly making ob/gyn’s specialists on our insurance, so the price of the copay is going up $15.  Awesome!

My arm stopped hurting really bad sometime during the evening hours after I got home from work.  It got itchy and had a slight burning sensation, but by the time I went to bed it was feeling pretty normal.  Just a little discomfort and itchiness left.  I’m sure it will itch quite a bit as they heal and what not.

I got the grades on my mid terms and I’m happy with one and disappointed with another.  Although I expected as much (because I did NOT feel confident about it), I got 80 points out of a 100 for the 5 essays.  I left out some information about something and so he knocked my score down.   It brought my overall score here at midterm to 92%.   While I’m still quite happy with being over 90%, it makes me cranky that it fell so much!

For my mid-term in the other class, I rocked it and got 86.40 points out of 90 and my overall grade for this class is 98.72%.  This makes me very happy!

I actually do not remember ever getting this high grades in any of my classes in high school, except for history and geography.

There are six of us who have some overtime coming up on a new software thing they are going to be using at our auto shop.  The training starts tomorrow night at 5pm and will go until 8pm.  While I’m going to enjoy the OT, I’m going to be exhausted by the time I get home and I’m going to miss some of the World Series, because I don’t know exactly what nights I’ll be working the OT.   I’ll take the extra money and be happy with it though, believe me!  I’ll set the DVR and watch whatever I miss of the series when I get home!

Until next time…

Calming myself…

I had the big, bad dermatology appointment at 8am today.  Let’s first talk about the stress I put myself under in anticipation of this appointment.  

I was near tears for DAYS starting sometime last week when I discovered the bleeding, crusty looking mole on my left shoulder blade near my butterfly tattoo.  The big C word is always on my mind.  It’s affected my life more than I’d like it too.  Not from me actually having it, but from so many people I know who have died and lost the battle to the Big C.   And also, I can’t forget my friends who have relatives and loved ones who have lost the battle.

The Big C is on my mind a lot also, because I smoke.  While I don’t think my smoking would CAUSE the C word to appear, I do believe it would and could perpetuate the situation and make it ten times worse than it would have been had I been a nonsmoker.

But I digress, my fears and hormones took over.  I don’t know if you know this, but my hormonal balance is out of fucking whack too (thanks to the surgeon who told me I wouldn’t go through menopause until my mid 40’s cause he left one of my ovaries).  I refused to let myself go online and look up skin conditions, of any kind.  I knew I was scared enough and I didn’t need to scare myself more! 

Now to the results of my appointment:

The moles on my back are “normal”, but a part of a skin condition that is not super bad and it’s easily treated with over the counter creams and what not.  The stuff on my right arm have been shaved off (OUCH!) and sent off to biopsy.  He does NOT believe they are malignant, but rather benign tumors and he called them dermafibroma.  I can’t find that anywhere on the internet, which is fine.    He numbed my arm at the spots that were going to be removed and shaved them off. 

So I sit and I wait for the results of the biopsies and enjoy the sensation of having a right arm that feels like it was carved like a freaking Halloween pumpkin as the numbing stuff starts wearing off and I’m scrambling to find stuff for the discomfort/pain.

Lesson here?  Do not freak out to the point of irrational thoughts.   I freaked myself out to the point of tears on a constant basis for the last 5 days and it was NOT worth it.  It was not worth the stress, the fear and the anxiety I put on myself!

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my regular doctor to report my headaches and dizziness I’ve been experiencing.  And also to get my regular meds back on track (Nexium) so I don’t have to suffer more heartburn and acid reflux.  Blech!

Until next time…

Another week starts….

and I’m not all that happy about it!

I just really feel crappy when I have to get up and go to work.  I know this is just because I hate waking up so early and dragging my ass into a place I’m not feeling all that comfortable.   Even though those feelings change week to week, depending on how I’m treated, I hate going to work.

I hate not knowing how I’m going to be treated or talked too.  I hate not knowing if I’m doing this stuff right, because seriously, they are just now going over our work from a year and a half ago and finding errors.  So in essence, I started doing something wrong a year ago and I’ve perpetuated this error by not having any idea it was incorrect.

I went a year doing things a certain way (because it’s in my notes to do it that way) and I’m currently finding out I was doing them completely wrong.  Makes for a bruised ego for sure.  Especially when I’m talked to like I’m an idiot and I did it on purpose or something.

I’m out of refills on some medicaitons, so I’m trying to get an appointment with my doctor this week.  I have an appointment with a dermatologist tomorrow morning, so this week may end up being full of appointments with doctors.  wOOt!

I haven’t been able to log into my PU2B account for a week and a half.  I’ve emailed them several times.  I’m using the correct username and password, but it’s still not letting me in.  It’s beginning to piss me off.

I aced my two quizzes this week for school (one per class).   I’m still waiting on the feedback from my final project proposal in one class.  I’ve chosen to interview a lady at the Criminal Justice Commission and I had to send my professor all the contact information and a list of questions I’d like to ask her.  My interview is scheduled for November 6, 2009 at noon.   

I’m also still waiting on my grades for my mid-term project of answering five questions in eessay format.   Not feeling that confident with this assignment, but I’ll take whatever feedback he gives and learn from it.  I’m just afraid it will lower my grade and that just gives me the hives.  I’ve been doing really good with my grades and I’d like to keep it that way!

Off to start this lovely work week!  Hope ya’ll have a good one!

Until next time…

This day in history….

Two years ago today, Miss Monique and I pulled in Louisville, KY so that I could start my new life.  Two years.  WOW!  Part of me can’t believe it’s been that long and the other part would swear to you it’s been longer since we drove across the country with my two dogs and a Jetta full of my belongings.

While most days, I’m glad I made this move, there are still days I get homesick.  I get so homesick for my friends and the familiarity that Las Vegas gave me.   I miss my old job and the people there.  I miss being able to jump in my car and immediately know where I was going.  I still get lost sometimes here and I don’t know where a lot of stuff is.

I miss being able to call my BFF and tell her I’m on my way to see her and it only taking me 20 minutes to get there.  I miss the GA meetings and the people in them.   I miss the comfort zone I walked out of two years ago.

I like the weather here.  I like my jobs for the most part.  I like that I’ve accomplished a few of my small goals I set before moving here.   I like the spirituality I’ve gained and lost and gained again.

The people here are incredibly nice and would help me with anything, as long as I ask.  I have been welcomed into homes of strangers for holidays and other family gatherings.   I’ve been taken under their wing and helped along the way.

I’ve come a long way in 2 years at the same time as staying stagnant in other areas of my life.  And I’m okay with it all.  I am who I am and the evolutions I go through only benefit me in the long run.   I’ve made great friends, I’ve lost great friends and I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people.

I’ve learned I’m not superficial at all.   I’ve learned I’m stronger than I gave myself credit for.  I’ve learned I can survive (and most of the time thrive) in the face of diversity and become a better person.   I can stand up for myself and I can be compassionate at the same time.

I can speak my mind when I feel the need without being mean spirited or bitchy.

What a wonderful life this really is, even when I’m struggling through funks and depressions, I wouldn’t give this up for the world.

Until next time…

Things I learned this week at work….

Now that the regular work week is over, I can reflect and look back on what I’ve learned.

  • What is good for the goose is NOT always good for the gander.
  • Being left alone (for the most part) to teach myself a job for a year and six months is not necessarily a good thing.  Especially when they are finally decided to review my work and they are finding errors with the way I’m doing things.
  • Some people’s hypocrisy knows no bounds.  Much like Doc Holliday in Tombstone.
  • Energy transference is just as dangerous if I’m emitting the negative energy.  I try to avoid people that push their negative energy off on me.  I need to learn to refrain from pushing MY negative energy in their direction as well.
  • There is one person in my life currently who can make me laugh, snort and giggle no matter what kind of mood I’m in at the moment.   He can make me smile and laugh when all I want to do is cry.  Thank you, T.
  • Some people I work with just don’t know how to talk to others and so it comes off as belitting, condescending and rude.  I try to ignore it.  Until I’ve had enough and then I end up getting snippy snappy back with them.
  • I really hate doing payroll.  If it weren’t for the paycheck every two weeks, I definitely would choose NOT to do that shit.  Loathe it.  Horribly.
  • If I dislike something strongly, I’m usually pretty good at.  *le sigh* happened to me in Vegas too.  Should have known.  Too bad it doesn’t happen with regular math stuff.
  • I am obsessed with Daughtry (okay, this is NOT news, but I’m throwing it in there just for shits and giggles).

I am working my 2nd job today and I know I’m going to have withdrawals from World of Warcraft and Facebook.  I’m sure I’ll survive.

I’m considering deleting my Twitter account.  I keep forgetting it’s there for a few days and then remember to say something on it.  LOL  And when I remember it’s there, I overuse it and bombard everyone’s screen with tons of tweets.

Until next time…

I practiced this for hours…

Post title from No Surprise by Daughtry

I am obsessed with that song.  I could listen to it over and over again.  As a matter of fact, I do that often.   I listened to it three times on my way to work this morning.   This one line got me to thinking about this post.  I’ve been trying to write this post for days.  I have not been expressing myself like I normally do.   I have not vented or told you exactly how I’m feeling in awhile.

This post is going to change that. 

When I let it, the fear consumes me.  The fear of being alone forever.  The fear of my medical issues turning into something big, mean and nasty that I can’t handle on my own emotionally.   The fear of failing at my job, college or anything else I take on in my life.

The fear is like a black hole.  It’s endless and smothering.  It wraps me in it’s cold, cold arms and tells me it’s okay to be afraid.   It’s okay to be afraid of my financial situation.  It’s okay to let this fear consume me and make me just put my head in the sand and not deal with it.

On the other side of that fear, I see Him.  I see my Higher Power calling to me and beckoning me. 

Fear not, for I am with you.

I can hear His voice.  Clear, concise and loving.  Telling me it’s going to be okay, I just have to walk through that fear.   I just have to hang onto Him and He will walk WITH me through that fear and teach me how to deal with it.

Fear not, for I am with you.

I am full of fear today.  Full of it.  I can’t see my way around it at the moment.  This will change, I’m sure.  I have faith I’ll be guided through this and taught how to deal with this specific fear.  It just won’t happen in my time frame.  It’ll happen in His time frame.

I went a month without any financial worries.  And now suddenly, they are piling up again and strangling me.  I really need to get a hold of the stress over that.

I’m having trouble turning my fear into faith and letting go and letting God.  I’m struggling financially.  I’m struggling physically and  I’m struggling emotionally (and these two things are highly intertwined.)

This is not to say I’m not seeking help.  I am seeking help, in several areas.  Seeking help does not preclude me from still feeling the fear or expressing it.  Expressing the fear helps me get a grip of what I’m actually afraid of.

I keep thinking of Lisa @ Clusterfook.   I keep thinking of death.  I keep thinking of finding out I have some horrible, incurable disease and then I laugh.

I laugh at the crazy thoughts going through my head.  I laugh at my fear and I find I’m standing next to Him.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
       do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

And then it’s gone.  The fear, the pain, the tears, the misery.  The blackness of the fear starts seeping away into the background of my mind and I can see clearly again.

I am on this road for a reason.  I am on this road to learn something about me and about life in general.  I am on this road to help myself become a better person and as long as I focus on that and not the consuming black fear, I’ll make it through anything. 

Because HE is with me.

Until next time… 

Hump day, random thoughts and validation

It’s hump day today.  I’m writing this before going to work and posting it for later.  This week seems to be going by super duper slow, but it is only Wednesday.  Payroll was just a beast and I guess that effected me for the rest of the next few days.  I’m trying to not let it and hoping for a better day today than yesterday.

I have a viewing to go to tonight.  My friend JC’s mom passed away and the viewing is tonight at the funeral home.  *le sigh*   JC was one of the first people to befriend me when I moved here to Kentucky and he’s been there for me through thick and thin.  He’s invited me to his family functions to help me stay connected to people in the program and out of the program.    My thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.

My random thought for today is this:  when painting my nails, why do I not have to go to the bathroom until AFTER I’ve painted them and they are still wet?   This is so unfair!  It happened to me last night and I thought it was completely unfair.  I thought I was going to pop by the time I felt they were dry enough to go to the bathroom hahaha

Avitaween is this week and I’m feeling horribly jealous of those going.  I really wanted to go and hang out with all of the bloggers who will be there.   I’m going to shoot for next year (yeah, I said that last year too).  Hopefully though, with my financial situation having a light at the end of the tunnel starting at the end of November, I really will be able to do the party next year.

I love getting validation.  I’m human.  I like to hear how great I am at something.  I like to hear how awesome and wonderful I am.  I like it.  I won’t lie.  I especially love getting validation at work.  It’s my favorite thing ever to get!  I wish I could go into more detail, but let’s just say that we’ve been doing something for 2 months a certain way and now a co-worker says we need something different done.  Ummm right.  I asked for clarification and it turns out I was correct.   I like that validation.  Just because it makes me feel good about myself and the fact I’m really NOT going crazy sometimes.  LOL

And on that note, hope ya’ll have a great Hump Day.

Until next time…

I won’t do it. You can’t make me.

Yesterday at work, someone tried to make someone else’s error mine.  In other words, they tried to blame me for something someone else did.

I don’t play that way.  I have absolutely no problem taking responsibility for MY errors.  But for yours?  Forget it.  No way.  Not happening.

It made for a crappy Monday because we kept going back and forth about it and it was snippy snappy.  Oh well.  Today is a new day!

I finished my mid-terms in both classes.  I emailed out the five essays I had to write for one class and the I’m just finishing up the editing portion of the mid-term for the other.   This one is easy peasy and won’t take me long to finish up at all, and then I’ll send it in for a grade.

I’m still pulling over 95% in both classes, I’m hoping I keep it that way!  Most of the points taken off on my assignments has been due to writing style.  Next term, I have a writing class so I will be able to improve on those skills.

I went to those planning committee meetings for GA on Sunday and got so irritated, I walked out of the 2nd meeting.  We took a tour of the hotel we will be having the convention in and the demands some of the members were making were so unrealistic.  For example, the website of the hotel has advertisements for the Kentucky Derby.  Because, ya know, we have the Derby here every year for the last 100+ years and we have Churchill Downs.  However, some of the GA members were asking to have that information removed from the website of the hotel, to accommodate our out of town members when they come for the convention.  SeRiOuSlY?

I know my face showed my shock when that question was thrown out there.  And then I’m sure my face also showed shock when they demanded (yes, they demanded and did not ask) to have all Kentucky Derby ads removed from the hotel walls and what not.

Ummm.  Wait.  This hotel is accomodating us by letting us have this conference there.  We are not the only customers of this hotel.  We are not the majority here.  We can’t demand anything.  We can ask and we can request, but we can not expect or demand.

The guy from the hotel handled them a lot better than I would have.  I just hung out in the background and listened and did not voice my opinion.

I guess my view of this is different considering where I started in the program.  I was surrounded by gambling.  Everywhere I went there were poker machines and ads for gambling and casinos.  I’m used to ignoring it.  I’m used to seeing it and not reacting.   However, the people here and in other areas are not.   Even given that, I think their demands and requests were unrealistic expectations.

I guess we’ll see how things go with that.  The hotel guy said he’d “look into it” for them, but I don’t see how they could be able to do it.  This town is all about the Kentucky Derby and Churchill Downs.  I don’t see how they could accommodate 300 people when they have thousands coming here for those two reasons every year.  OH well, not my problem and I’m not going to worry about it.

Until next time…