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Archive for November, 2009

Monday dreary

It is so dark and blustery outside!!!  I don’t think it’s hit 40 yet all day.  FAHREEZING!!!! 

At least I was inside the building and didn’t have to go outside for any reason until I left at 4.  But we all know I did go outside for my smoke breaks.

I had a good Thanksgiving.  I went over to my Co-Worker’s house and spent a few hours with her and her family.  Awesome people right there.  Love each one of em!

We all know what I did Friday night (evidence below this one).  Saturday I was pretty much useless from the hang over and yesterday I did some housework, grocery shopping and watching football.  I also played WoW off and on all weekend.

I got my final grades for this last term in school and I’m rolling a 4.0!!!!  Can you believe that shit?  I know.  I couldn’t either, but it’s on paper!  I just might make the President’s List at Kaplan!  wooooot!

I’ve been in a pretty decent mood since I got back on all my meds.  Imagine that, huh?  I’m even leaning towards going back to GA this week.  I don’t know what day yet, but I’m leaning that way.  I think I’ve written everything I can write about the situation and my isolation from the program.  Now that I’ve figured it out, I need to call it out at a meeting and then deal with it.

Hope you all have a great Monday.

Until next time…

Drunk blogging 101

I am drunk blogging.  I haven’t been this drunk in quite some time.  And I just have to say, I’m NOT looking forward to the hang over tomorrow.  Errr, this morning.

There has been a Criminal Minds marathon on A&E all day today.  This has made me happy and I’ve watched almost every episode.  Except when I’ve been playing WoW and getting hit on by 25 year olds (or younger).  Awesome!!!!  Great for my ego, at the same time as kind of creeping me out that I am old enough to be their mom.  LOL

Although I do have to say they are VERY good for my ego, I am at a loss at how to react or respond to some of these guys in my guild in WoW.

And since I’m extremely drunk, and have to close one eye to type  this, I’m going to sleep now.  Night, night!

Until next time….

Thankfulness….

I had been thinking of NOT doing a post like this, but I don’t know that I’ll get a chance to post tomorrow when I’m over at my Co-Workers for turkey dinner stuffs, so I’m going to do it and leave it here at the top until Friday. Long, drawn out sentence there!

There are so many things for me to be thankful for. While I tend to lean towards the negative and focus on that, I do strive everyday to focus on the good.

Here is a sampling of what I’m grateful for today….

  • I have a job.  Okay, actually two jobs.
  • I have a roof over my head.
  • I have food in my cupboards.
  • I have gas in my car.
  • I have a family who is supportive, encouraging and loving to me.
  • I have friends who are always there for me.
  • I still have my abstinence from gambling, even though I’ve been isolating from the program for the last few months.
  • I am able to get a college education, 22 years after graduating high school.

I’m sure if I sat here and thought this out some more, I’d find eleventy billion more things to be grateful for. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.   I am blessed to have all of you in my life.  Thank you.

Until next time…

On the road to recovery?

I’m on this road. Sometimes it’s full of traffic and sometimes it’s empty. Right now, it’s empty. I trudge forward and try not to fall backwards. I take one tiny step forward and then another.

I breathe a sigh of relief because I did it. I took that one step forward putting me one step closer to where I need to be.

I have felt very alone the last several months. Some of it, I did to myself. I stopped reaching out to people because I was getting no response, really. I can only take so much “rejection” before I just totally give up and not give a fuck anymore.

My mom and brother encourage me to keep moving forward. My co-worker and BFF T continue urging me in the right direction. They’ve been my rocks in this funk that I’ve been in for so long. I’m slowly moving out of it and digging my way to the top of this dung heap of a place I’m in. I don’t know what I would have done without those four people in my life right now. I am sure I would have been lost.

The road to recovery over my depression has been harder and more painful than my road to recovery from gambling was and has been. It’s a deep dark place and I hate that I go there, but I’m currently finding solutions and taking the steps to get better.

Until next time…

2009 has not been real kind

Ya know, after hearing about the 4th officer in Las Vegas to pass away/die in the line of duty, I’ve decided this year just has not been kind for my friends there. This thought process led me to start thinking about how 2009 has treated me. And ya know what? I don’t like the way this year has gone.

While I know a lot of it has been caused by my own doing (you know, not going to meetings and what not), a lot of it has just been life throwing me for this loop and then the other.

Las Vegas has lost 3 police officers and one corrections officer this year. All within the last 7 months. Three of those deaths were from car accidents and one from an off duty shooting wherein several gang members decided to rob his house and he was killed in his own garage.

I had huge problems with BFF T and BFF K during the first part of the year and that is all cleared up now. I talk to T on an almost daily basis and I talk to K about every other week or so.

I’ve had worsening financials this year, as well. I think a lot of that has been caused by my hormone levels going bonkers on me and I’ve become horribly forgetful. I’ve forgotten to pay bills and I’ve forgotten commitments. I really don’t even know what I spent the money on when I forgot to pay bills. I have nothing to show for it. I’ve had more health problems this year, my cholesterol, my depression and my hormones.

I haven’t seen my family since July and before that, it had been since Thanksgiving of 2008. I can’t even go down there for the holidays this year. I need four new tires on the Jetta and I’m not willing to risk my life in a 600+ mile trip on those tires. With the way this year has been going, I’d get a blown tire while going 70 mph down 65.

There have been some really good things about this year as well. I started college for the first time in my life and I’m kicking ass in it; I’m doing well at my job, no matter what my supervisor says; I’ve gone through yet another evolution and discovered a lot of things about myself and my friends; I’ve become more compassionate and encouraging. So many things to list.

While part of me believes 2009 has not been kind, I also believe it’s been as kind as I let it be. There are a lot of my problems where I just sit there. In the problem. For hours or days. When I get out of my own way and look for the solutions, I feel so much better.

Yeah, I like sitting on my pity pot. Who doesn’t every now and then? But seriously, I can’t stay there very long. I drive myself insane with it.

I send out my prayers and thoughts to Las Vegas on a daily basis. I pray that God keeps those officers safe and brave in doing what they do. I couldn’t do it. I pray that God keeps all the firefighters I work with and around the country safe and sound, as they run into burning buildings. I couldn’t do that either.

While 2009 has not been all that kind to a lot of us, I have hope and faith the rest of the year and next year will be better. I hope you do too.

Until next time…

I wish the real world would just stop hasseling me….

Post title from Matchbox 20 – Real World

It’s Monday and I’m just not digging the fact I have to go to work this morning. Although it’s a super short week with Thanksgiving coming up, I’m not happy with the fact I only had one day off. It was a relaxing day off, so I’m going to stop complaining!

I was looking at this website for apartments and comparing other websites while I was at work Saturday. Interesting how each website has a different lay out and what not.

I’ve been slowly starting to feel better physically, which helps with the mental too! I’ve also been doing a lot of analyzing and writing the last few weeks. I’m getting to a point where I may be able to pinpoint where I stopped going to meetings and detached myself from the program.

I’m slowly getting to the point where I’m ready to head back in that direction. While I’m not currently ready, I know I will be soon and then I’ll work on getting help in that area too.

And now I need to go get ready for this super short week and try to enjoy it!

Until next time…

What in the world is happening out there?

I got the sad news yesterday that yet another brave police officer from Las Vegas has been shot and killed.  Seriously!?

This marks the 3rd police officer death in the last 6 months out there.  Two of them from car accidents and this one because three gang bangers thought it would be cool to rob his house.  He was shot and killed in his garage.

All three suspects are in custody, which I’m quite happy with.  But I’m so sad for my friends and family on that police department.  My heart aches to be with them in this time of sorrow and sadness.  I send my thoughts, love and prayers their way today and always.

On a bit of a lighter note, I spent the majority of this morning at home, paying bills online.  Oh yay!  Wasn’t it payday today?  I can’t tell.  LOL

I should be getting the PERS check Monday or Tuesday of next week, so that will help get me through to the next major payday.  I’m looking forward to seeing how much exactly it will be so I can start setting it into my budget and working on that aspect of my life.

I did, however, from my bill paying marathon this morning, catch up on all but one of my bills that I’m late on.   While it’s a major one, I’ve talked to them every few days and they know my situation.  Thankfully, they aren’t threatening to come take the Jetta. 

I had one thought a few days ago of going to one of those check cashing places, but then remembered the hell I put myself through with those when I was gambling.  I refuse to do it again.  Absolutely, positively refuse.  While I think their general use is a good idea for most people who need it, for me?  Not so much.

It appears that the anxiety attack I was going through the last several days has completely dissipated.  I’m not taking any chances, and keep my Ativan close by in case I need it.  For anyone who has never gone through one of those, I’m going to go through what I was feeling/thinking during some of it.  I journaled throughout it and it’s really quite frightening looking from this side of it.  I’m glad I let myself open up yesterday and talk to someone.

I wake up feeling shaky and weird.  I don’t really feel physically ill, but I’m achy all over.  My left shoulder blade is so painful it’s like someone is stabbing me in the back.  I stretch a bit and it dissipates a little bit, but it’s still there.   The pain starts to radiate to the other shoulder blade and around to just under my left breast.  What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?

Maybe I just shouldn’t go to work.  Naw, you’re not sick, just achy.  As I was getting ready for work today, I felt a sharp stabbing pain start at the left shoulder blade and run across my back to the right shoulder blade.  The pain almost brought me to my knees.  Had I not been standing by the bed, I’m sure I would have hit the floor.  It took a good 5 minutes to catch my breathe and be able to stand up straight.

I finished getting ready for work and kept fighting off the tears.  My biggest fear is that I’m having a heart attack.  Although all tests ever done on my heart in the last year showed that I have a healthy heart right now, I still smoke and I don’t eat as well as I should.  And I definitely don’t exercise like they suggest.  What if this is a heart attack?  Oh my god.  I’m dying.  I’m going to die in a city where I barely know anyone.  I’m going to die and I won’t get to see my family again.

I let myself cry this morning.  I went into the bathroom at work and sobbed for a good 3 minutes.  I just let it out.  And then I did some deep breathing exercises like my therapist suggested and suddenly I felt better.  My shoulder blade was still aching, but not as bad.  I took an Ativan .5 mg about half an hour after getting to work and I think it’s starting to help.

I talked to our Medical Officer today too.  I needed to speak to someone in the medical field and she’s a registered nurse, so I knew she’d be able to help me.   I wanted to go to the hospital.  I wanted them to take me to the ER because I believed in this crazed, panicked mind of mine that I was dying.

She let me know that since I’ve gone without my Lexapro for 2 weeks, and it covers both depression and anxiety, my body is freaking out.   We discussed my symptoms and then everything else I was feeling and thinking.  Within 5 minutes of talking to her (during the conversation), all the aches and pains started going away, one at a time.

It was like a cloud started lifting off of me and I could see again.  I could breathe deeply again.  My body stopped shaking and my shoulder blade suddenly did not hurt.

I don’t know if it was the Ativan kicking in or the fact I was able to speak to someone I know, trust and admire, but I felt better the rest of the day.  The rest of the shift was a breeze and I did not once feel that dark, painful clutch of panic start to take over me.

Even after getting home tonight, I feel more relaxed and calm than I have in days.  I can’t wait to get my prescription filled tomorrow.  I really need to learn to budget this shit more carefully so I don’t have to go without my meds due to finances again.  Ever.

Everytime I experience a panic attack, I make a journal entry like that.  I put as much detail out as I can. 

Sometimes I learn a lesson in the midst of these attacks and sometimes I don’t.  I’m glad I took a lesson away from this one and I’m grateful my friend and co-worker was there for me to help me through part of it.

My head is deep, dark and sometimes insane.  And I’m okay with that as long as I keep finding my way out of it with the help of my friends and professionals.

Until next time…

Well that sucked major ass

The last few days have been very difficult for me to get through.  My body has revolted against me, right along with my anxiety disorder.  My GAD decided to take front stage and try to drill a hole in my head.

For several days, I’ve been panicky, aching everywhere and even having some very painful areas in my back/shoulder blade area.  I noticed, though, that each time I let myself cry and then do some deep breathing, I felt tons better and moved forward with the day.

Today is the third day I woke up like that.  My left shoulder blade was hurting again (I originally thought I hurt it in one of my WoW marathons over the weekend), I was quesy and I was shaking horribly.  I dug around the apartment for my Ativan (I haven’t had to take it in a few months), and then came to work. 

I took the Ativan immediately when I got here and then talked to our medical officer (she’s a registered nurse specializing in cardiac stuff).  I was almost in full blown panic mode.

We talked for about 10-15 minutes.  She talked me down off that ledge of anxiety and ya know what?  99% of the symptoms are gone.  While I do not feel 100% better, I do believe the Ativan has kicked in and the talk I had with the MO has helped tremendously.  I mean, really, when I’m in full blown anxiety attacks, I rarely can talk myself out of it.  But she did it.  She had me laughing and talking reasonably and logically within minutes of me going to her with my fears.

Sometimes, my body does some weird shit to me and I wonder if I need a colon cleanse. LOL I know, I know, it’s gross, but it might help my digestive tract!

I’m glad I let myself be vulnerable with someone I could trust.  It made me feel so much better talking to her.  Just one more item on my list to talk to my doctor about!  Oh yeah, that’s right, she hasn’t even called me back with my cholesterol numbers yet.  Time for a new one?

Until next time…

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it….

I was outside smoking with the Supervisor and Manager Lady at work today and they informed me that I will be in charge next Wednesday.  Everyone else in this office will be off that day.  I responded “I can handle it….at least, I hope I can!”  And we all laughed.

And then I realized WHY no one else will be there and it got me to thinking.  It’s the day before Thanksgiving.  Normally, I’ve already planned a trip to be with my mom and brother for the holiday.  Now, I have to work the Saturday following Thanksgiving for my 2nd job and my car is a POS and wouldn’t make it to Nashville (which isn’t even halfway to my mom.)

After the initial depression of those thoughts, I decided I was going to do something for Thanksgiving anyway.   I have potatoes at home, all I need is a little turkey and some fixins and I’ll have myself a little T-giving dinner for myself.  A little lonesome, but it’ll work and I’ll get through it.

Things are slowly looking up for me and I refuse to let the thought of being alone at the holiday get me down.  I will make due with what I have and be grateful for it.  I’ll be able to watch football all day, enjoy some turkey and mashed potatoes and whatever else I decide to make.  I just need to make the menu and shopping list now!  I’ll even have leftovers, which I can freeze for later use!

I never did hear back from the doctor yesterday.  This irritates me to no end.  I’ll be calling them again today.  I don’t mind taking the medication, but damnit I want to hear it from the doctor herself that she wants me to take it.  I could always make an appointment, but I don’t want to waste $20 in co-pays to just fuss at her.  I can do that over the phone for free, ya know?

Not much else going on in my little neck of the woods.  I turned in one final project last night and I’m going to proof the 2nd one and turn that in tonight.  I’ll be done and just waiting on those grades.  Sheeeesh, I’m still shocked it’s been this long.

As a side note, I was looking at these promotional umbrellas and wondering if I have to play golf to get them? Cause I like the umbrellas, just not the golf part.

Until next time…

What we have here is a failure to communicate….

We finished payroll pretty early today (around 11:00 a.m. with the final edit and approvals). It made for a breezy day with very little stress!  Seriously!  We didn’t finish last time until close to 4pm.  We were done by 11am today.  All final corrections & approvals were done by 11:30.  Awesome!

I figured out my percentage of accuracy in keying the payroll.  I am averaging 659 entries per payroll.  I make an average of 9 errors per payroll.   If my calculations are correct, there are approximately 1.4%  errors in my entires of data.  This is a 98.6% accuracy rating.   I think it’s only because I hate doing payroll so much.  I’m hoping if I do well at it, I’ll eventually like doing it.

Now here is where the failure to communicate comes in for the day…. At the end of the 2nd edit (we have anywhere from two to six edits per payroll), I missed a phone call from Walgreens pharmacy. They were informing me that if I did not pick up a prescription, they would have to put it back on the shelf for a later “fill.”

I had no idea what they were talking about because I have not dropped off any prescriptions later and I haven’t even taken in my 3 from my last appointment to be filled (doing that this week). I called the pharmacy to find out what they were talking about. Maybe they called the wrong person?

Apparantly, I have high cholesterol. My doctor called in a prescription for me last week and it’s been sitting on the shelf since then. They are putting it back on the shelf because I don’t have the $ to go pick it up until Friday. I told her I would talk to my doctor between now and Friday and then get it filled then.

I then picked up the phone and called my doctor’s office. I left a message that went something like this….

HI, this is Sodapop Curtis, I need someone to call me back about a prescription.  I was informed by Walgreens I had a prescription there to be picked up or they would reshelve it.  I had no idea what they were talking about and they let me know it was for high cholesterol.  I, again, have no idea what they are talking about so I’d appreciate a call back.  I can’t get it filled until Friday, but I’d like to discuss this with the doctor or the PA.  Thanks so much

I left my work number and my cell phone.  If they don’t call me by tomorrow, I’m calling again.   And if they don’t call me tomorrow, I’m calling again Wednesday.  I’m mad.  Talk about a lack of communication between a doctor and her patient!  Hmph. 

I could have been on the meds and working at getting the cholesterol under control a week ago when I actually had $20 before filling up my gas tank!  Fuckers!

I left work at 2:00 p.m. (still got my total eight hours in cause I got here at 5:30) so I could go home and finish up my final projects for school tonight.  I can’t believe we are going into the 10th and final week of this term!  I’ve done extremely well and I’m going to be striving to do just as well, if not better, in my next two classes!

Until next time…