The Soda Stand

Archive for November, 2009

I have a bad attitude today.   Nothing happened specifically to put me in this mood, I’m just in. 

I’ve had a horrible attitude about everything and everyone except my school and some days, my job.  Even my job makes me cranky.  But then, that could be because I don’t know what to expect from day to day and it puts me on eggshells.  I hate working like that, but it is what it is.   I sometimes wonder if this one person is on drugs.   During payroll a few weeks ago, she was real super cranky and then she realized she had forgotten to take her pain meds for her back.  She took the meds and 20 minutes later, she was sweet as a kitten and purring at everyone.  Awesome.  She takes those pills every 4 hours.  From now on when she’s in a bad mood, I will ask her if she forgot her meds.  Cause seriously, I’d rather have her high as a fucking kite and being nice than being the crappy, cranky ass she is most days.

Even with all that, I tend to wake up and while I’m getting ready I start looking forward to getting to the office. 

I have a lot going on right now.  I have a full time job, a part time job and I’m a full time college student.  I also have been dealing with a dying ovary and my doctors and I are trying to find the right fit and amount of hormones to level me out.  So I’m dealing with those mood changes along with my depression sitting near the surface waiting to show it’s face again.  I beat it down a few weeks ago and then the hormones went haywire.  Weeeeeeeee I love getting older. 

I haven’t been to a GA meeting in ages.  I know I need to go.  I just don’t feel ready to go yet.  I can hardly deal with my own dramas, let alone dealing with a bunch of other addicts and their dramas.  Not ready to deal with that shit along with my shit yet.  I say yet because I know I will.  I’ll go back.  I haven’t had an urge to gamble in ages, but my attitude definitely needs some adjusting and I usually find that adjustment in those meetings.  When I can hardly stand myself, I’ll do something about it.

My attitude is cranky today, but overall I have a pretty good one.  The light at the end of my financial crappy tunnel is getting closer and I’m slowly catching up on stuff that I forgot, I have a job that keeps a roof over my head, I have my family who loves me (even though they live too far away and need to move closer to me!)  I get to talk to my BFF T almost everyday now and that is awesome.  I love that.  I can’t brag about it enough.  Now I just need to get BFF K into this Ventrilo thing and I can talk to him almost everyday too!

I think men suck.  Horribly.  Every single guy that has hit on me, showed interest in me and what not in the last few weeks needs to take a flying fucking leap and leave me alone.  I’ve stopped talking to several of the guys here at work, unless it’s work related.  I just can’t deal with their games anymore.  I’m too old to waste my time on their petty bullshit.

I’m going to go throw rocks at a few of the stupid boys now. 

Ever wonder how to burn fat the best way? Yeah, I do too. Although I’m not all about those supplements, I do like to read about them.

Until next time…

I have a job duty.  My job duty is to set up a table full of cookies and fruit punch.  I am to sit through ceremonies until the swearing in portion of it and then go out to the main area of the building we use and set up the table.

I bitch and I moan.  I complain and I hate it.  And then I actually do and it’s not as bad as I feel it’s going to be.  I do this every.single.time we have a promotional ceremony or a recruit graduation.  My Co-Worker and I were given this job duty because our Managers had done it for 15+ years and they are passing the torch.  Fun.  No, really, it is.

Once we get the table set up and the people start coming out for the cookies and punch, it’s fun.  I end up joking around with some of the kids (like telling them I baked these cookies just for them cause their dad was promoted), meeting people I’ve never met before and getting to watch tons of eye candy in uniform walking past me.

When the ceremony is late in the afternoon, we don’t get back to the office until close to 3:30 p.m. (like today), so it leaves very little time left in the work day.  I don’t mind that so much.  And I told my co-worker if they want to pay my hourly rate for me to sit through a wonderful ceremony and then serve cookies?  Who am I to argue that?

I’ve been looking at a Grohe faucet. The kitchen faucet I have here sucks ass. I hate the faucet. I can’t even get Josie’s water bottle under there well enough to fill it. Blech.

Until next time…

I went back to work today. I don’t know exactly how I feel about that, but I was there. I was buried in stacks of paperwork and what not for a majority of the day.

I also was so spaced out this morning, I left my cell phone at home. It sat on my foot stool all day long and I felt lost. I felt panicky and lost and upset that I left it at home. I’m hoping I don’t ever put myself through that again!

In the last two days when I was sick and staying here at home, I had all these ambitious thoughts of cleaning and organizing. Umm yeah. That did not work out so well! I was napping throughout the day and doing a whole lot of nothing. Which, I think, is exactly what my body needed me to do.

I did, however, finish my homework and quizzes in both classes. Today marks the beginning of week number nine. I have two final projects I need to work on and I’ll be working on the interview for one class tonight and then the weekend will be dedicated to the harder one. It looks detailed and time consuming.

Next week will start week 10, which is our final and “easy” week of this term. We will discuss and summarize what we learned, how we feel about it and how what we learned will benefit in the chosen career path.

I’ll have a week off (week of Thanksgiving and after) and then start two new classes on December 2nd.

I was looking at a website with personalized jewelry on it. I love my name necklace. It was a gift from an ex boyfriend back in 1991 and I’ve kept it ever since. I just like it too much to give it up or get rid of it.

I’m glad to be back in the land of the living, even if I am still weak and tired and have no energy.  At least my head does not feel like it’s in that death vice grip!

Speaking of death grips!  My BFF T bought me Burning Crusade and Wrath of the Lich King late last week, so I created a Death Knight in WoW.  They have this ability called “death grip” where you target someone/something and you can pull the target to you when you attack it.  HOLY CRAP that shit is awesome!  I HAET having it used against me, but when I’m on my DK?  LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!

On that note, I’m going to go get something to eat and start on my interview summary to get that out of the way!

Until next time…

When I was growing up in Boulder City, some of the people in my class could be so mean.  I lived in a manufactured home, which we used to call trailers! Needless to say, several of the mean kids called me trailer trash and what not. Now they are rarely called trailers! How times have changed!

I’ve also been labeled a home wrecker by one or two women in my past. I deserved that label. Although I never actually wrecked em, I got that label because I messed around with their fiance/husband/significant other. Not proud of that label, but it is what it is and it’s who I used to be.

I’m not that woman anymore. I’m a woman of integrity, courage and compassion. At the time of those affairs (and any of the others I found myself in), I felt I didn’t deserve more than what I was getting. I was also safe from having to commit. Cause, ya know, I’m one of the biggest commitment-phobes out there. There were no strings, no questions, etc, etc.

Now? This is some of what I feel I deserve:

1. An emotionally AND physically available man.
2. Someone who is accepting and compassionate.
3. Someone with a sense of humor who will make me laugh when all I want to do is cry.
4. Someone I can spend time with and not have the fear of rejection, abandonment or any other nonsensical to anyone but me emotion.
5. Someone who will take me in his arms and comfort me when I’ve had an emotionally fitful day.

This is just the tip of the iceberg on some of my list.  I’ve been really praying and thinking about this and I’ve been making an effort to remain positive and not focus on what I do NOT want, but on what I do want.  

I do know I have to actually put myself out there in order to find this person, but until I feel I’m ready to do that, I’m going to continue with the list and the praying and the meditating.  One step at a time!

Until next time…

And I am sick. I’ve been fighting this cold for about a week now and I think my body finally gave in. I feel like I swallowed some sand and someone plugged up my sinuses with a bunch of gunk! It’s horrible! I can hardly see straight. I also have an earache and a headache. Awesome! It could be another sinus infection and not a cold, but whatever it is, I feel like ass.

I try so hard to just work through whatever is wrong with me and not miss work. Today, I’m missing work. There is no way I could have gotten ready and gone in there. I would not have done my job very well or concentrated on trying to do my job well. No way.

I had a pretty good weekend and thought I was feeling better yesterday. I had felt pretty crappy Saturday while at the office here in the apartment, but I worked through it and started feeling better. Yesterday I felt pretty good, even with the lack of sleep I had gotten Saturday. Guess it’s all catching up with me today!

I was looking at this central vacuum and thought it would help me out here at home. Not that I could afford it, but it’s pretty cool looking. They have a pet tool to pick up the dog hair and what not. Josie may not appear to shed much, but believe me she does!

And now I’m going to the couch to veg and sleep off and on throughout the day!

Until next time…

Today is payday.  Ummm yeah.  Look in my bank account and you won’t be able to tell I’m telling the truth!  LOL  What a mess!  I got my rent paid, my cable paid and my power bill paid.  Done.  Pretty much wiped out.  Even with the bonus I got from the 2nd job, it disappeared fast!

I really should be used to this feeling by now.  But I’m not.  I just try to pretend it’s not there.  You know, push those feelings down and fake being happy.  I could fake it til I make it like they tell us to do in GA.  I don’t know how to do that right now.  I don’t know how to ignore the stress of trying to figure out where I’m going to get the money to pay for certain things.  I just don’t.  

I pray.  I journal.  I meditate and just when I think I have a handle on the stress and fear and anxiety – something happens and I lose my shit.   Sometimes that “something” is of my own doing.  Something coming back to bite me in the ass. 

Like the cable thing.  I knew I was late on the bill, but I had gotten the notice on Tuesday, emailed them on Wednesday morning and they shut it off Wednesday night.  They turned it off in the 9th inning of the World Series.  Shut me down like a power switch.  *le sigh*  $200 later, its back on and running.  They actually turned it back on for me yesterday, with the explicit promise I would go online before work today and pay it.

I talked to my doctor about how I’ve been forgetting stuff.  Important stuff.  You know, like paying a fucking bill or taking my medications.   She said it’s my hormones and I need to talk to a ob/gyn about hormone stuff.  Awesome.  Just what I wanted to hear, thanks. 

In the meantime, while I scrounge up the money for THAT co-pay, I’m going to work on NOT forgetting to pay stuff.  Even with it being on my calendar on both my home and work computer, I ignore shit and then forget about it.  Awesome.  It’s great.  Really.

I’ve also been looking at some fast weight loss ideas. And we all know how well those work! /sarcarsm.

On that note, time for me to get outta here for work.

Until next time…

THE YANKEEES WIN!!!!!  THE YANKEES WIN!!!!!!!

Hey, did you hear?  The Yankees won the World Series!!!!!  WOOHOOO!!!!!!!! 27th World Championship for mah fave team!!!!

Even the fact I was wrong about being a little more financially stable this payday can not ruin my happiness over the Yankees winning!   Matsui was a beast last night in the game and it was beautiful!!! 

My BFF in Vegas has already said she is going to get me the two expansion packs for WoW for Christmas, so I need to remove those from my list.  We love being in the game together.  We’ve talked almost everyday in there on Ventrilo since she got me hooked up with that service.  Love that connection to her.   I’ve also gotten to meet/talk to a few new people from all over the country.

My wounds are healing up nicely.  This time, I mean it!  They don’t itch as much, they aren’t super uncomfortable and I can wear long sleeves again.  YAY!  The antibiotics are really kicking in (in a bad way too) and I’m quite happy with the results I’m getting on the arm.

I did not turn into a pig yesterday.  I had that vaccine shot and I’ve been doing pretty good.  I got a little quesy at first, but got over that by the time I got home from work.

My apartment is a mess again.  I think I’m going to have to schedule cleaning days!  I’ll spend a few hours and clean and then a week later, it’s dirty again!  Go figure!  I’ll just have to clean up a little each day!   I’m so lazy.  I know this.  It’s horrible.

Miss Monique gave me a great suggestion on my list from yesterday, so I’m going to think about exactly what I want, instead of what I don’t want.  I need to remain positive and see where that gets me!

I have my interview today for my final project for this term of school.  I’ll be interviewing her at noon and may end up taking half an hour personal time or something to cover it.   My supervisor freaked out when I mentioned it, so I might just throw in the one hour of personal time instead of dealing with any backlash from it.  Better to keep my nose clean and just stay under the radar.  We seem to get along better when that happens.

I was complaining about some things on Vent the other night and BFF T helped me put things into perspective.  I survived and out lasted working with The Worse Supervisor to Ever Walk the Face of the Earth, I can outlast this one.   And yes, I give that fat bastard a new nickname each time I talk about him on here.  LOL

He was the first Captain I worked with when I got promoted.  It was the worst one year and four months of my career in Vegas.  Worst.  Ever.  And I got through THAT, so I know I can get through this!

Until next time…

Before I get into this post, I hope ya’ll go show some love to Hilly today.  It’s her birthday and I PPH her, so go show some love.

I have a list for Christmas.  This is for all those who care or want to know what is on my wish list.

1. Money to get four new tires for the Jetta.
2. Burning Crusade – World of Warcraft expansion pack
3. Wrath of the Lich King – WoW expansion pack
4. Pedicure gift certificate
5. Massage gift certificate
6. One million dollars, small, unmarked bills.

As you can see, I added in that last part a little snarky like.  LOL 

I’ve also been paying attention to some of the guys I work with and making a list where it comes to relationships.   I know the basics of what I want, but I’m finding the list of what I do not want seems to be a little longer.

What I do not want:

1. Active in any kind of addiction.
2. Married
3. Engaged
4. Taken
5. Total asshat to every one they meet.
6. Judgmental of the fact I’m in recovery (yes, it’s sad I had to put this on the list, but a lot of people look down on those of us in recovery.)
7. Not compassionate
8. Never there
9. Does not follow through on promises
10. Does not respect his mother/sister/family.

_________________

The test results for my biopsy on the arm stuff came back negative, I do not have the C word.  Thank goodness!  They were benign cysts and nothing bad.  Now once these wounds heal up, I’ll be happy as a clam.

I have noticed that they are both a lot deeper than I thought at first.  *le sigh*  No wonder why it’s taking so long to heal!!!  And seriously, it’s only been 8 days.  I’m being so impatient!

I had the H1N1 flu shot today.  I know.  I read all the concerns.  I read all the side effects and I believed them to be no worse than the regular flu shot, so I took a walk on the wild side and got the shot.

The needle felt sharper and more painful than the last one.  It stung like a bitch and I almost jumped out of the chair.  LOL  I feel a little pukey now, which is a MILD side effect, but beyond that, I have had no bad effects from it.  Thank goodness!

I got a call today from the apartment manager and she told me she has a bonus check for me!  WOOT!!!!!  I don’t even remember the two move ins she’s talking about, but whatev.  Extra money at a good time when I need it!  I’m also going to be working three Saturdays this month (working the Saturday after Thanksgiving since I’m not going outta town).  Add that to my retirement benefit I’ll be getting at the end of the month and I’m starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel again.

I need to remain focused on that light and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I’m pretty tired of living like a pauper and I’m hoping this month will bring an end to that.   I don’t want/need to be a rich millionare, I just want to be able to have a little extra money to travel to see family, friends, whatev when I want.   Oh, and I’d like to be able to pay all my bills monthly without having to rob Peter to pay Paul or rob Paul to pay Peter.

Until next time…

For two nights in a row, I’ve been awake until almost midnight watching the World Series on Fox.   Two nights ago?  It was worth the lack of sleep.  Last night?  Not so much.

The Yankees lead the series currently 3-2.   I’m happy about that, however, I was hoping they’d win it last night.   The series now moves back to the Bronx and into the new Yankee Stadium.   I told my co-worker I’d rather see them win it there anyway.

The Yankees won their 40th ALCS title to get into the series and now they are going for their 27th World Championship.  GO YANKEES!!!!! 

Hopefully I’ll get to sleep at a decent hour tonight.  I’m beat!

My arm is healing.  Not at the rate I’d like it too, but it’s healing.  It’s just gross looking and feeling.  They itch and then they burn and then they hurt.  I’m still on the antibiotics and I’m using the Bacitracin they wanted me to use instead of the Neosporin. 

I’ve been doing a budget in my head the last few days (cause this Friday is payday and I’m trying to figure out who to rob so I can pay the other guy), and it’s not pretty.  But it hasn’t been pretty for awhile, so I’m trying not to complain about it on here.   I can guarantee you it’s the cause of 80% of my stress levels.   Hopefully, at the end of this month, I’ll be heading in the right direction with that.

I was on the phone earlier with MBMoE, discussing work stuff.  We haven’t really spoken in weeks until today.  He was coughing and stuff so I asked if he was okay.  That fucker told me that talking to me gets him all choked up.  So in my best super, sugary, sarcastic voice, I asked him if he missed me.   He said he did and I said ”whatever.”  I won’t go down that road again.  We both got what we wanted out of that situation and now it’s over.  He chased me until he got me (and I let him) and now I’m done being chased.   I deserve so much more than what he’s offering and I don’t know that he understands that.   Boys are stooopid.

Payroll was a bitch yesterday and I’m glad we finally got through it.  We started working on it between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m. and we did not finish 100% until 3:50 p.m.  It was insane.  And 90% of the errors were the system being a bitch and not letting us do what we needed to do to get it done.

Until next time…