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Archive for December, 2009

Happy New Year!!!

This will most likely be the last post I do for the year 2009.  I can not believe it’s going to be 2010 in less than 18 hours!  Hell, it’s already 2010 in some places around the world!  How crazy is that?  This year has been rough on me.  Really rough.

However, instead of making this post about the things I dislike about the year, I’m going to make a list of the reasons it was a good year!

  • I still have a job that puts food in my belly and a roof over my head.
  • I have the love of family that I carry with me at all times.
  • I’ve made some really good friends at work, who I would do almost anything for.
  • I’ve learned more about my resilience and my strengths.
  • I got to see Daughtry in concert.
  • I reconnected with my two BFFs in Las Vegas and I get to talk to T almost daily, which makes me incredibly happy!
  • I got to meet a shit ton of you people at ConFab and hang out and party with some of my favorite bloggers!
  • My finances have finally started to improve.  Slowly, but surely.
  • My faith has deepened to a point I’m quite pleased with.
  • I found room for improvement in myself and I found myself struggling and striving to get there.
  • I started attending college, as a full time student and I am in my 2nd term of earning my degree in public administration.
  • I’ve started setting more career goals and educational goals, that go hand in hand.
  • I made the Dean’s List in my first term of college.
  • I’ve learned to deal with the negativity at work to the best of my ability and I’m still learning!
  • I’ve lost about 15 pounds and am fitting into my skinny jeans again.

Those are just a few of the things that were good for the year 2009.  While I do know this year kinda sucked and I’m definitely ready for 2010, I’m grateful I went through what I did this year.  Without the struggles and the pain, I would not grow as a person.  Growing pains are just that, pains.  What I take from each experience is up to me and how I integrate it into my life.

I found myself separating myself from Twitter and Facebook quite a bit since I’ve been in school and started playing World of Warcraft.  I schedule school time and play time and I found I’m just not all that interested in Twitter or FB as much as I used to be.  And I’m okay with that.

My four year blogging anniversary is coming up next month.  I don’t know how I’m going to celebrate that yet.  Sometimes it feels like it’s been a lot longer than four years.

I hope you all have a wonderful, safe and blessed New Year.  May you find peace, happiness and love in everything you do.

Peace.

What I love

Hi everyone!  I hope ya’ll had a great Christmas (if you celebrate it).  I celebrate Christmas and so I say Merry Christmas most of the time.  Unless I know for a fact someone does not celebrate Christmas, then I try not to say it because I know how sensitive people are nowadays, ya know? 

Anyway!  I had a fairly decent Christmas.  I hung out with my co-worker and her family, like I mentioned in my previous post.  I would have preferred being with family, but it is what it is and I move forward.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I’ve made a few lists.  I’m a list person.  I like orderly lists of things I need to get done, things I need to buy or things I am grateful for.

Today there are two lists for grateful feelings and love of self (which I believe is different than self love). 

What I love about Sodapop today:

  • My compassion for others
  • My sense of humor when I let it show
  • My ability to forgive and move forward
  • My ability of acceptance
  • My learning ability and the fact I learn new things pretty quickly.

Today I am grateful for…

  • my Higher Power never turning His back on me or abandoning me
  • my family and friends
  • the recovery (no matter how complacent I get) I’ve been graced with for 8.5 years.
  • The job that keeps a roof over my head
  • My 2nd job that keeps gas in my car
  • my health and still being here to type this
  • music to fill my heart and mind
  • Coffee

Now I know the last one may seem silly, but when I’m writing these lists, I put down the first thing that comes to my mind that I’m grateful for and coffee was one of them this morning!

I’ve been doing some things I need to do and I’m feeling better for them.  I had let myself get so far into this “funk” that I have not given my apartment a good cleaning for well over a month.  Oh my fuck, the clutter!  I’ve been tackling one corner at a time.  Amazing how much crap I can fit into a one bedroom apartment that is barely over 600 square feet! 

Until next time…

It has been five days since my last post

Forgive me, for I have sinned!  I have not posted in five days!  And ya know what?  I’ve enjoyed it!  I had a great time not posting lol.

How was everyones Christmas?  I hope you had a loving, blessed and wonderful holiday!  While I missed my family terribly, I had a good time at the house of my Co-Worker/friend, P.   I got to her house around 10:30 Friday morning and I finally got home around 7pm.  It was a long day, filled with laughter, good company and good food.  Oh and an hour nap in there somewhere too!

I did a little cleaning in the apartment.  I can’t believe I let it get as bad as it is!  Wooooweeee!  It’s going to take me days of nothing but cleaning to get it to the point where I’d like it to be.  I also went window shopping for that new TV that seems to be avoiding me!  I’m going to hit the internet tonight after work and see what I can find.

I also need to get in to a car place and get my oil change, new tires, etc.  I’m going to make some phone calls today after we finish payroll.

I don’t really have much to say.  Which is weird, cause I’m usually much chattier than this! 

Until next time…

You know it’s lovely weather…

The weather in this place is just crazy.  We’ve gone from snow falling (lightly – no accumulation) to temps in the 40’s and possible rain today, tomorrow and Christmas day.  This has all been in the last seven days.  I wish Mother Nature would pick one and stick to it.  Although I won’t tell her that, cause really….careful what you wish for, right?

I’ve had a pretty good week at work, nothing exciting to report and no major dramarama.  Unless, of course, you count the pictures and video I received at the end of last week.  But we won’t count those.  I’ve taken care of that situation and hopefully will not be hearing from the person again.  We can only hope, right?

We are starting the 4th week of my 2nd term at school.  While we get a break from seminars starting tomorrow and next week, I do still have to do the discussion boards and any assignments the professors give us.  I have a seminar tonight and that’s the last one until January 6th.

I’m still struggling in one class, but kicking ass at the class I thought I would struggle in.  lol  It figures that the one class I thought would be easy peasy is turning into a nightmare and I’m not digging it, while the one I thought would be hard is the easy one and I’m rawking it.  As long as I pass the class, I’ll be satisfied.  Not 100% satisfied, but still satisfied.

Until next time…

A weekend wrap up

What a weekend.  It was a one dayer – so I didn’t really have a lot of time to get everything done I needed to get done.  And, I also was procrastinating and being too lazy.

Friday night after work, I got home and relaxed for a bit and then I went to my first GA meeting in a few months.  It took me awhile to get to this step, but it was one I needed to take.  I felt uncomfortable at first, but GB and several others made me feel pretty welcome.  They were amazed that I didn’t place a bet in the time since my last meeting.  *shrug*  I told them it was because I wasn’t willing to do that and I knew the entire time I was gone what I needed to do, I just had to get willing.

It was a good meeting and I shared quite a bit about things going on with me and inside of me.  It felt good to sit and share like that with my GA family.  After the meeting, I went home and did a whole lot of nothing.

On Saturday, I worked 10am to 4pm in the office at the apartment complex and had to go out into the cold entirely too much!  I hope I don’t come down with something from going in and out of the warm office!  sheeeesh!  I was supposed to go grocery shopping after work that day, but instead I went home, ordered some pizza and promptly fell asleep from 7pm to 10pm on the couch.  Ugh! 

After I woke up at 10pm, I channel surfed for a bit and then logged into WoW and played that with a few people until ummm 4am or so.  Yeah.  That sucked balls.  Trust me.  I was afraid I would sleep all day Sunday.

However, I woke up fairly early Sunday morning.  I met Miss Laci for a late lunch and then went grocery shopping.  I then sat on the couch and watched TV (football) the rest of the day. 

I did not do one lick of school work.  Which I am regretting today because now I have to totally crunch tonight after work.  Oh well.  You live and learn, right? 

Until next time…

Striving for it…

Before I get into my stuff here, please go wish Dana and wonderful, happy birthday! Send her lots of love and happy wishes for the day!!!

I woke up this morning thinking to myself  “this is going to be a good day.” And while I’m struggling to keep that attitude, so far it has been a fairly good day. I was still feeling the holiday blues and would much rather have been at home sleeping, but I think that’s normal #1 for this time of year and #2 for anyone who can’t go see their family for the holidays. Just is what it is and I need to trudge through it.

The weather people are calling for snow this weekend AND next week around Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Last thing I want to happen on Christmas Day is to get snowed in! I’m going to my Co-Workers house again and I do not want it to be so snowing that I can’t drive over there Christmas morning!

If the weather people get me into a panic mode, I’ll just go over there Christmas Eve with my overnight bag and sleep on their floor hahaha.

Yesterday was the annual holiday party there at work and I ate myself into a coma, I think. Oh my goodness!!! I did not eat the rest of the day, that’s how full I was from the luncheon. It was fun though and I’m glad it helped me get out of my funk for yesterday.

BFF T is going to be in Philly for NYE for her brothers wedding. She told me last night she wishes I could fly out there to be with her for that weekend. I looked at airline tix and there’s no way I can do that. Even though I’m getting that extra money on this paycheck, it’s just too much. I wish I could though. I would love to spend NYE with her and her family.

I have not done any kind of Christmas shopping. I don’t know that I will be able too, but I’m going to attempt that this weekend. It won’t be much, but it will be the thought that counts, right?

Until next time…

Shift in my emotional altitude or just a mood swing?

I’ve started calling my mood swings, shifts in my emotional altitude. I sure wish I could take credit for that! However, I picked up the saying off of a Status Shuffle on Facebook. LOL

I left work yesterday at 2pm. I put in my 8 hours and I was done. Thankfully, the supervisor lets us do whatever we want with those two hours so I could have stayed and gotten the OT next check, but I needed to get outta there.

After the incident I elluded too yesterday, I just couldn’t imagine sticking around longer than I had too. Payroll was done, we had no major problems brewing or fires to put out, I left.

I finished my homework and reading for both classes. Tonight, I just have a quiz for one class. I’m doing really well in one class, but kind of struggling in the other. I mean, my grade so far is still a high B and with some of the work I’ve turned in this week, it will take it up to a lower A, so I’m trying not to complain too much!

I got to work this morning and I felt the emotional altitude start declining rapidly. I’ve been trying to find ways to help myself be happier here at work, and some of them are working, but for the most part, I’m pretty unhappy right now. It could all be just the way I’m taking the supervisor and what she says and does to me, but even a few of the co-workers have mentioned to me how badly the supervisor treats me. So I know it’s not just me. Thank goodness for validation sometimes, ya know?

I remember when we first started, we were asked not to take her snippy snappy ways personal, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. Especially when she’s actually directing that snippy snappy way towards me and something work related that I’ve done.

I also found out today that I will be the only one here in this section of the building both Wednesday and Thursday of next week. I miss having Christmas Eve as a holiday! It doesn’t really bother, as there is a ton of shredding I can get done while it’s quiet and no one is here to bug the crap outta me, ya know?

I really need a hair cut in a bad way. I may have to do that along with the million other things I have going this weekend. We’ll see how I do on time with everything and it may just get done!

While my mood improved throughout the day at work, like I knew it would, I was definitely ready for the end of the day.

Until next time…

Almost two decades later….

When I was 17, I did not want to follow in my mother’s footsteps. It was nothing against her, I just didn’t want to work for the police department for the rest of my life, ya know? I didn’t care about benefits or retirements, I was 17!

Five years later, I found myself testing for the entry level position in Police Records. *le sigh* I felt like I had “caved”, though it was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself.

I found that I really loved public safety. I loved supporting the officers in the field with their jobs. I felt obligated and full of pride for where I worked. I loved it. I loved the interaction with the police officers, sergeants and the public too.

After a certain amount of time, I got tired of dealing with the public, but I sure loved that interaction with my fellow employees. It’s a noble profession and I’m blessed I got to be a part of it for so long.

After 15 years there, I moved across the country and got right back into public safety. This time, with the fire department for the last year and a half (almost 2 years).

Again, I feel pride about where I work, but I dislike the work that I actually do. I feel the same excitement and worry when they go out on calls that I did for the police officers I used to work with. My job supports the firefighters and I interact with a few of them here and there, but it’s not as fulfilling as it was at the police department.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m holed up in this little office, with little to no interaction on a regular basis? I’m a fairly social person and this office is very confining for me.

I love public safety so much, I’m seeking an education for a degree in public administration – directly relating to public safety organizations. I absolutely love it when the phone rings and it’s one of the firefighters, or they come in to drop off paperwork or ask me questions about payroll or workers comp stuff.

Recently, I thought I might be burnt out from public safety. I was so incredibly unhappy and cranky every single day, I thought it was just time to change completely. But then an officer was killed in Las Vegas and I felt that obligation to this line of work that I have felt since I started working in 1992 for the police department.

I grew up surrounded by the LE environment and community. And now I’m surrounded by the FD environment and community. I can’t picture myself doing anything else at this point in my life.

With all that being said, I need to say that for today? I hate my job. It’s not the actual work and it’s not the firefighters I work with. I’ve talked about my supervisor on here before, however, this time I’m just going to leave you with this….if I had said or done what I wanted to say and do earlier today? I would have been fired. Immediately.

Until next time…

Strange

I’ve had a relaxing, uneventful weekend. I’ve done a bit of housework, school work and nothing all mixed up. I’ve felt homesick the last few days. Not just for my friends in Vegas, but for my family as well. I wasn’t able to go to Georgia for Thanksgiving and I don’t believe there is a way I can pull off Christmas either. I don’t vacation time around the holidays because I’m the low man on the totem pole and it kinda sucks the big one.

I’ve also felt the loneliness of not being in a relationship at this time of year. I go through it pretty much every year. And then I try to remind myself I’m single by choice at this point in time and I need to accept that. I can barely take care of myself so I don’t want to get involved with anyone right now, ya know? But the holidays bring the blues for me.

I was thinking about what TV I’m going to get next weekend after getting the tuition reimbursement money. I was also looking at some mounts, just in case. I don’t know if I’ll get one but I like to weigh all options.

I’m also going to be getting my car worked on next weekend, if not the week following. I hate all this crap but at least it’ll get done, I’ll feel better about the car and everything. Ya know?

Until next time…

Just a little blue today

I woke up so late this morning, I didn’t have time for coffee, shower or food. I rushed out of the apartment and barely got to the office on time. *le sigh* I hate it when I do that! I don’t do it very often, but when I do, it throws my entire day around on it’s ass and makes me cranky!

I’m feeling a little sad today. Lately, with all the shit going on with me, I tend to over analyze how I’m feeling and sometimes, it’s really simple. Sometimes, I just need to let myself feel it and it will reveal it’s reason to me.

I’m homesick.

I miss Las Vegas. I miss my friends in Las Vegas. I miss the familiarity of Las Vegas. I miss my job in Las Vegas. I miss it.

Now, please understand, that just because I miss it, does NOT mean I want to go back. LOL I miss it because I lived there my entire life before moving here two years ago. I miss it because it’s all I knew for so long, I’m still struggling to find my way here.

I’m fairly happy where I’m at. I’ve got a steady job, that I enjoy most of the time. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and a car that is still running. I’m building friendships and networks and I’m getting a higher education. These are all wonderful, awesome things. I still miss my “home.” I miss my best friends.

Being the over-analytical person that I am, I started questioning myself and why I missed it so much today. I started wondering if I wanted to move back or if I was truly unhappy here. And ya know what? Sometimes, it just is what it is. I don’t want to live in Las Vegas again. I will work very hard to make sure I don’t live there again. I just need to allow myself to feel the homesickness and allow myself to be sad for a few minutes.

37 years was a long time to be in one place and then to just up and move 2000 miles away, ya know? I need to be softer and kinder to myself.

For today, right now, I’m homesick. And I’m okay with that.

Until next time…