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Archive for January, 2010

Laying it to rest….

Any and all doubt about my decision to move from Louisville and find a different job somewhere else was laid to rest at work yesterday afternoon.

I think as a human being (and a woman), the doubts and fears I was feeling about it are normal and being who I am, I’m going to yo-yo this decision back and forth in my head, even though my heart knows it’s going to happen.

I was sitting at work, after having spent the last two days in a very good space with the supervisor when she lost her shit on me once again.   I’ve never, ever had a problem taking direction from a supervisor.  Ever.  Even when I don’t like said supervisor, as long as I’m spoken too like an adult and a human being, I’m good with following direction.

Thursday afternoon at 2pm, I was given some directions on something.  I didn’t agree with it, but I knew I would do it anyway after voicing my opinion and stating the facts about the situation.  She lost it.  I sat and stared at her for a good 10 seconds thinking to myself “And you were doubting your decision to get away from this?”

All doubt left my head at that moment.  As she ranted and raved like a screaming banshee, I sat and stared with my mouth hanging open. 

After a few minutes of the banshee talk, she went back to a normal tone of voice and I said “okay, I’ll get it done.” 

And at that precise moment, when she walked out of my office, I knew.  I knew without a doubt and without fear I’m making the right decision.   I do, however, need to deal with this situation a little bit longer.  So I will deal with it and I will bitch about it and I will be okay.

Until next time…

The follow up

After discussing things with my mom, my brother, Co-Worker P  and my BFF T, I put the post up from yesterday.   As soon as I talked to them and then hit “publish” on that post, I can not tell you how light and relieved I felt.  I spoke to four of the most important people to me and I felt wonderful doing it. 

Since that post, several concerns have been brought up to me, so I’m going to address them.

  • This was not a rash decision on my part.  I’ve been thinking about this for months and months and finally decided to put it to paper and do something about it.
  • This will not happen in the super near future.  With the way the job market and economy is right now, I’m going to hang onto this job for a while before actually putting my plan into motion.
  • I am going to continue my college education now and when I move.  My degree will help me in the long run and I’m not going to give that up anytime soon.
  • Research will be done and I will make sure I’m making this decision for the right reasons FOR ME. 
  • I have been unhappy here for a long time and I’ve tried hiding it and/or fighting the feeling and faking the happiness.  I can only fake it for so long before I lose my mind and completely lose myself.  I’m done doing that.
  • I am feeling strong and happy with my decision and know that I’m moving in the right direction.
  • I do not view this as a failure and I will not “should” myself today or anytime soon.  Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
  • I moved 2000 miles from everything and everyone I ever knew and felt comfortable with and I’ve made it 2.5 years on my own.  I’m proud of that.  I’ve grown and learned about myself.  I’ve become a better person and know exactly who I am.

While I don’t necessarily feel the need to explain my decision to everyone who had/has concerns, I do feel the need to let my readers and friends know some of my reasonings behind this and how I’m feeling.

I’ve been pretty shy about expressing how I feel on here lately and I’m done with that.  I welcome any and all comments, as long as they are constructive.  I will not tolerate any type of hateful, snarky comment or comments that “throw” stuff in my face.   I know my shortcomings and I know who I am.  I don’t need anyone to remind me of that.

Until next time…

Did you see this coming?

A few posts ago, I mentioned I had a lot on my heart and mind, but was having trouble putting it all into words.  This is that post I was going to work on.

I finally realized what it is I’m having trouble putting into words.  Because, ya know, when I verbalize it or put it to paper, it becomes real and I have to actually deal with the shit.

I’ve been unhappy here for awhile.  I’ve been struggling emotionally, physically and mentally to remain upbeat and courageous and responsible.  And then it hit me after my post yesterday about work.

I realized just how unhappy I am here.  While I like the work I do, I’m unhappy 90% of the time when I’m at the office.  I’m unhappy with the GA groups here, I’m unhappy with the city in general (weather and the way it changes).  Basically, I don’t like it here anymore.

I’ve reached out to several people I’ve met in GA, here at work and I just seem to not want to be friends with them, or vice versa.  And there is really nothing wrong with that, but it does make for the lack of a social circle to hang out with when all of my friends (save Miss Laci and Co-Worker P) live in different states.

All of the above has led me to the decision and/or thought that I need to find a new place to call home.  While I’ve always struggled with calling this place home, it has been my home for over 2 years.  I do know that I will not return to Las Vegas, so I need to really research and see where I’m led by God and instinct.

I do not and never will view this as a failure of any kind.  I left Las Vegas fully aware of the fact I may not like where I’m going – it just took me 2.5 years to realize I don’t like it here.

All of the bad things that kept happening to me when I first moved here were like stumbling blocks and I would just trudge through them and come out the other side feeling happy and proud I made it through.  I’ve been feeling these emotions for a few months, I just had not put them on paper or in voice very much.  While I’ve never been quiet about not liking some of the people I work with and their ethics, I have tried not to bitch too much about where I live or this city – because I put myself here.

However, I can’t hide the fact that I’m unhappy anymore.  I’m extremely unhappy and I’ve tried several different things and methods to find happiness.  While I’m happy with ME,  I am not happy with my current living or working situations.   And since no one else can make me happy, I need to do what I feel is right for me and my happiness.

I won’t be talking about this on Facebook, since a lot of my co-workers have no idea I’ve made this decision, so Twitter and my blog here will be the places I talk about it.

While I feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel less stress in making this decision, now comes the daunting task of actually deciding where to go, finding a job, finding living arrangements and making sure (continued prayers, meditation, etc) I’m going to be doing this for the right reasons.

Until next time…

Ask for it!

If you need the password for the post below, let me know and if I’ve had contact with you and know who you are, I’ll give it to you.  It’s the same password as always.   Since it’s about work, I needed to protect it.

Until next time…

Protected: Getting shut out….

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Working on that schedule now!

So remember when I said I needed to schedule my time with school, the two jobs and what not?  Yeah, hasn’t worked quite as well as I would have liked.

However, I’m starting anew for today!  It’s Monday, the beginning of a work week and near the end of a school week (my school week ends at midnight tomorrow night into Wednesday morning).  I did not do a lick of homework over the weekend.  I was supposed too.  I even set my status messages on Facebook that I was going to be working on it.  Yeah,  I didn’t.  I did, however, get the reading assignments done!  I just now have to do a quiz and two papers in one class and one paper in the other.  Yeah.

I ended up on the couch with the laptop open, playing games on there (including WoW) and watching football.  All afternoon and evening, this is what I did.  Oh, and I did some laundry.

I have this tendency that when I’m feeling overwhelmed, instead of trying to FIX it, I like to put my head in the sand and ignore it.  When I over-commit myself, I either do everything grudgingly and build resentments or I shiver from it and break every single commitment I made.  No happy medium for this chick.  Nope.

I left work at 2pm today, since I had gone in at 6am for payroll.  I’m home now to do homework and the quiz and nothing else.  I won’t turn the TV on, I will not turn WoW or Facebook on.  Nothing but homework for me this afternoon!  Even though it’s not due until tomorrow night, I’m hoping I get most of it done tonight so I can kind of relax tomorrow.

Yes, I’ll be working on that scheduling of things again.

Until next time…

Saying goodbye to Michael Jackson….

This is an open letter to my old mentor and supervisor at Odyssey Records.  His name was Michael Jackson and he looked like someone from ELO.  He was the manager of Odyssey Records for years and years.

Dear Michael,

In December of 1987, you gave an 18 year old girl her dream job.  You hired her as seasonal help at your record store and ended up keeping her there for five years.  You opened up a world of wonder and music and things I never could have dreamed of.

You taught me so much about the music world, from the inside out.  You were fun and caring.  You were like our father figure.  When we had a problem, you were right there for us and did not let anyone treat us maliciously.

You showed me how to do product buying and placement so it would sell.  You taught me the love of music, which I carry with me to this day.  After you left the store, when Wherehouse took over, it just wasn’t the same and the love and family feeling was gone.

I missed you and your fun loving ways for months and months before I’d had enough and quit myself.

I thank you.  I thank you for introducing me to the love of my life in music.  Music is so important to me now and it’s because of you and Odyssey Records that I have this love.  Music never leaves me and music loves me unconditionally.   I thank you for that.  I thank you for everything you were and everything you are now.

I pray you rest in peace and know that there are so many of us from the Odyssey family mourning you right now.  My only wish is that I could be at your funeral on the 30th to show my respect to your family.  You were my mentor and my father figure for several years.

Rest in peace, my friend, you deserve it.

On Wednesday the 20th, Michael Jackson lost his several year battle with cancer.  He was an inspiration to many of us working at Odyssey Records.  My prayers and thoughts are with his children and his family at this time.  Rest in peace Michael.

Thesis statements and outlines, oh my!

Who knew I’d be writing a thesis statement in college?  Ever.  I really never thought of a thesis statement being associated with the low level degree I’m going for.  I’m not sneezing at the fact I’m in college and I’m going for a degree.  I’m sneezing at the fact I’m having to write a thesis statement and conclusion and outline and blah blah blah for my writing class in my Associate’s Degree program.

I knew I’d have to think about and write a thesis, but I didn’t think that would come for a few years when I’m finally going for the Bachelor’s or Master’s, ya know?

I was horribly sick yesterday.  Stomach viruses suck ass and I was sick from about 3am yesterday until 1pm.  I haven’t physically been ill like that in awhile and it makes me cranky.  I’m still feeling pukey, but much better than yesterday.  Thank goodness!

I’ve evaluated all I have on my plate (like I mentioned in my last post) and it seems I’m going to be stuck with what I have on that plate for a bit.  I am really going to be working on a schedule of things because one day weekends for two months is going to suck ass in a big way!  However, at least it will be more money in the bank to save up for when I can finally get down to Georgia to see my family.  Ya know?  I’m trying to find positives in it and not completely focus on the overwhelming, negative things about it.  It’s difficult, believe me.

I’ve said I’m not ready to give up Kentucky, yet I am constantly looking at job postings in Atlanta, Birmingham and several other southern or more eastern areas.  It makes me think I’m not as happy here as I’m trying to pretend and tell myself.  Which is totally okay, because I may be slow on the uptake of a lot of things, but I finally see the light and that’s all that matters.

Even if I were to find a job elsewhere, I couldn’t afford to move anytime soon.  I have way too much debt and I don’t make enough money to even consider it yet. 

I’ve ignored Twitter quite a bit lately.  I post there every now and then, but I just don’t feel the “pull” like I used too.  I used to love sitting there in front of it, interacting with people and chatting.  Now?  I could do without Twitter and it wouldn’t upset me so much.  Facebook, on the other hand, keeps me connected and I would freak out if I didn’t have it! 

Nothing new in the love life scene, then again, I don’t put myself out there very much so this part of my life will remain uninteresting until I feel ready to start putting it into high gear, ya know?   I’m okay with it for the most part and just figure when I’m ready, I’ll start doing it.  Until then, I deal with the boys who are stupid here at work and move forward with my day and life.  At least I haven’t gotten anymore pictures or videos from them.  lol

I have a lot on my heart and mind I want to talk about, but for once, I’m finding it difficult to express myself.  I’ll work on that post later when I’m home from work and see if I can’t get it out on paper.  I’ve been considering a super, secret blog for my journaling, but then I figure I ignore my other blog now, what makes me think I won’t ignore that one too? 

Until next time…

Be sure to clean your plate

As I worked through the weekend at my 2nd job, I started to think about how much I have on my plate.  These thoughts were also brought to mind when I went to dinner with Miss Laci on Saturday and we were discussing stuff.  I’ve given up selling Avon and doing the Pay U 2 Blog stuff on this blog and my other one.  It took a few things off my plate that weren’t really benefiting me anymore.

Sunday was my only real day off and I spent most of that doing schoolwork (which I still haven’t finished – so I’ll be cramming when I get home from work tonight).   Monday was supposed to be a day off for me, however, the manager here at the apartments called and said she needed me to come help her at noon until 4:30.   It turns out the assistant manager quit on Friday, without giving notice.  It was pretty unprofessional if you ask me.   While I’m going to enjoy the extra money from working on Monday and now I’ll be working every Saturday instead of every other for a month or two, I’m trying to figure out when I’ll have “me” time.

I’ve been pretty good at being sure to take time for myself outside of work and school, so I’m sure I can keep doing it.  I’m now going to be working six days a week for both jobs and it just seems a little overwhelming for me.  I’m sure I’ll get through it, but in the mean time, I know I’m going to stress a bit.  Especially on the “weekend” when I’m used to not working.

Right now, I have three huge things on my plate and I can’t figure out how to clean it off more than I have already without dropping one of these big things.  I doubt that I will drop them, I just need to adjust and find a schedule that works for me.

Until next time…

What a special, beautiful day!

Before I get into anything, I need to mention that today is my mom’s birthday!  Mom, thank you for always believing in me and letting me know that you are proud of me.  I love you, I miss you and I’m grateful I have such a beautiful, loving mother to turn too when I need moral support.  I hope your day has been beautiful and wonderful and just as special as you are.

The work week is almost over!  Just one more day to go and we’ll be hitting a three day weekend.  However, I have to work Saturday at my 2nd job, but I’ll get a two day weekend all the same!  I’ll be off Sunday and Monday.  Considering how easy of a job my 2nd job is, it won’t be too bad working the six hours that day, I don’t think.

I’m considering taking half a day vacation tomorrow so I can go get my car worked on.  I really need to stop procrastinating about it and just get it done! 

A friend who lives in Utah is considering moving to Las Vegas.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  Not that it matters how I feel about it, but I worry.  He’s quite self destructive and all I can picture is him getting deeper and deeper into a self destructive spiral and losing himself.  I’ve already told him I don’t think Vegas would be healthy for him, but he’ll do whatever he feels is necessary and I’ll be there for moral support as much as I can be without enabling him.

I was invited to a birthday party for Saturday afternoon.  I’m kind of glad I work that day because I have NO idea why he would invite me to his son’s birthday party!  We haven’t talked in weeks and then yesterday he was asking me about his vacation time and what not.  While we were chatting and waiting on the computer program to load, he mentioned his son turning four this weekend and then asked if I wanted to go to the birthday party.  Seriously?  Are you fucking kidding me?   No, I do not want to go to the birthday party for your son.  While his son is a cutey patootey and adorable, I am not going to put myself into a position like that. 

Work has been crazy busy and I’ve been enjoying this week so far.  Yes, I’ve had some rough days this week and have been exhausted by the time I got home, but I actually look back on this week pretty fondly.  It’s gone by fast, it’s been productive and I’ve been treated quite nicely.

Until next time…