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Archive for February, 2010

Ready, set, go!

I stopped at Walmart on my way home last night.  I need some hair color, printer ink and a wrist brace for my left wrist (it’s been hurting all week).  As I was looking for the printer ink, I decided to get a wireless mouse for the laptop and the desktop.  I also got myself a 20″ HP widescreen monitor.  HOLY CRAP!  I love this thing!  I had been dealing with a 15 or 17″ monitor and did not know what I was missing!  I got a great price on it and I’m really looking forward to doing my homework on it when we are working in Excel or PowerPoint cause it rawks!  Oh and let’s not forget playing WoW on that big of a monitor.  Holy smokes!

After hooking up the monitor, I made spaghetti for dinner and then did some reading for school.  I’m not so confused in this writing class because I just had College Comp I in the last term, so having CC II isn’t all that confusing.  The math stuff?  Yeah this is where I get stuck.  I’ve read the chapter I’m supposed to read and my comprehension levels went down the shitter.  I’m going to read it again and then reach out to a few math whizzes I know of who have offered to help me.  I don’t know why my brain shuts off when it comes to math like this.  Give me accounting math and I’m golden.  I can do payroll with my eyes shut, but give me shit like this math class and my brain falls outta my head.

Tonight after work, I have to rush home and get ready for the annual awards banquet that starts at 6pm.  I should be able to do it since I usually get home by 4:30 anyway.  I also ended up ordering a new cell phone because mine has just started to get old and decrepit and the battery keeps falling off.  Sprint has told me I need a new one, but the problems I’m having are not covered under the insurance.  Pfft.  Whatev.  They just want my money.  However, since I text like a fiend, I know I need to spend the money now while I can afford it.  Otherwise I’ll be duct taping this thing together, ya know?  And that would just be klassy.

I work at the apartment office tomorrow and then after that, I’ll be taking my laptop and textbook over to Panera to sit and do some of my homework.  I’ve already budgeted in the dinner/food I get while I’m there.  If I get bored or restless there, I’ll head to Starbucks just a few doors down.  Home is far too distracting for me to do math homework there.  And since my comprehension levels with math are pretty null, I need all the peace and lack of distractions I can get.

Hope ya’ll have a great day!

Until next time…

I think I can, I think I can…oh wait…I KNOW I can

I’m only slightly intimidated by my writing class this term.  Slightly being the key word in that sentence.  During the next 9 weeks, I will be working on a final project that will culminate with 2000 words and be persuasive and researched well.  YAY me!  Welcome to college, Sodapop!  Pfft.

There are alternate assignments that I will be doing for the math class this term.  I won’t be able to make any of the seminars, unless I happen to have that day off work or something, so I’ll be watching the archived seminars and taking a quiz each week to get those participation points.  I’m still very intimidated by this class.  They assume I know what a lot of these things mean and I don’t.  I don’t even know what a mnemonic is?  WTH have I gotten myself into.  Ah well, I’m going to Google the shit out of a lot of stuff in this class.  That is for damn sure!

I’ve been slowly taking things off of my plate because of the stress levels I experience when I over-commit or put too much stuff on my agenda.  For awhile there, I was working two jobs, full time college, Avon, blogging for money and then squeezing in some play time for me.   I’ve given up the blogging for money and Avon.  The other things, I’m trying to find a healthy balance. 

It’s not working real well, that’s for sure.  But I keep trying and I keep picking my ass up off the ground when I get knocked down.

I think about my depression and my attitude towards life and I realize I have a pretty healthy outlook for someone who is depressed and sad most of the time.  I have confidence in myself that I will get better and I will do well in school.  I have confidence that I am moving in the right direction that works for me and I’m proud of myself for all that I have made it through.

In the last two and a half years, I have endured quite a few trials and tribulations and I’ve always picked myself back up again.  Yeah, I’ve changed in the process and I’ve become a slightly different person, but my values and morals have not waivered nor changed.

I know who I am, where I’m going and I know I just need a little help getting there.  I just need a little help to get me out of these funks I put myself in when I let the depression engulf me and consume my life. 

Love, encouragment and compassion from family and friends help so much when I’m deep in the funk and darkness of my depression.  Feeling validated in my emotions (knowing I have a right to feel whatever I feel – it just depends on what I do with those feelings) helps me through each day.

I have the right to feel whatever I need/want to feel and think.  It’s what I do with it that matters.  When I start feeling angry and restless, I breathe deeply and get myself back on track.  It’s difficult to do sometimes and I know that my current meds are the only reason I have been functioning at all.  I just need that little push to jump start myself and I’m golden.

Moving in this direction, seeing the changes that I’ve endured and the changes I’ve made and brought on myself, help me realize how wonderful my life really is.  Now if I can keep this positive train of thought going every day, I’ll make it to where I’m supposed to be!

Until next time…

Working my way back…

I got my cup of coffee this morning before getting ready for work and logged into the school website.  I have a choice of three seminars I can attend for my math class.  They are:  Wednesday at 4pm; Thursday at 1pm or Monday at 11pm.  Yeah, see the problem with those?  Thankfully, they have an alternative assignment each week, so I’ll listen to the archives and then take a quiz on that seminar to get my participation points for that.  If I’m ever off on a Wednesday or Thursday, I’ll attend those seminars.  I’ve emailed my professor to make sure it’s okay that I just do the alternate assignment each week. 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days and it’s beginning to be painful in my head!  lol  Not really, but I have been thinking a lot.  Thankfully, I haven’t been thinking stuff to death like I have a habit of doing, but I’ve still been thinking.

Obviously my meds were/are not working properly for my depression.  I’ve gotten progressively worse for weeks now.  I’m taking the steps to correct this and am awaiting an appointment within the next week.  Time to shake up the meds?  Possibly.  Time to get all this shit off my chest again?  Definitely.

I don’t know why I do this to myself.  I take care of things for months and then something is said or done and I hibernate and isolate and go back into that unhealthy cycle.  I’ve been talking to people about this and it just gets worse sometimes.  Maybe it just needed to get worse before it gets better?  Who knows. 

For someone with depression, my outlook on life sure is good.  Yeah, I have problems and I feel sad most of the time, but I believe I have a good life.   Strange really.  Just one more thing to talk about, right?

I’m fighting a headache again and I’m hoping it goes away throughout the day at work.  If not, I’ll be a zombie by my 8pm seminar tonight in my writing class.  I’ll work through it though and if it gets super bad, I’ll come home and burn some sick time or vacation hours (I have a few left after the vacation).

On that note, need to get ready, have a great day!

Until next time…

And I’m back!

What a whirlwind weekend I had!  As you know, I went to visit my family from Thursday until yesterday (Monday).  Yes, they let me miss payroll Monday!

I had such a wonderful, relaxing time with my family.  I feel very at peace and serene right now.  I didn’t even mind getting up for work this morning.  Amazing what a few days off will do for me!

We are starting a new project at one of the sections here and I will start getting some overtime.  While I will love how the paycheck looks, I don’t know if my body will be able to take it!  Seriously!  I’ll possibly be working 4-10 hours of overtime every week and then the 2nd job on every other Saturday.  OY!  And my new classes start tomorrow, so I’m stressing already.   Trying not to be Hector the Projector here and just take it a day at a time and as it comes.  If I were to logically think about this, there will be two days a week I can NOT accept overtime and those will be the school days.  I may end up not working as much as I’m projecting here!

I have found that the more stress I feel, the worse everything else goes, so I’ve really been focusing on the stress management.  My depression already causes enough physical & mental problems, I don’t need the stress adding to that, ya know?  lol

I finished unpacking last night and got my bed made, most of my clothes put away and I even did a few loads of laundry for the stuff I had forgotten to take to moms.  I just have one load of towels to do tonight when I get home.

I’m exhausted, wishing I could stay home, but I’m in a good space.  I like how I’m feeling right now. 

Until next time…

Dream on….dream away….

I forgot to hit publish on a few of my posts I had written already and when I went to publish them, I hit delete instead.  *le sigh*  I hate it when I’m an idiot like that!

The third and final entry into my “dreams changing” series that you’ve read the last few days, is here.

My dreams are ever changing and evolving, just like me.  I am constantly changing and evolving into someone new and fresh.  Sometimes those changes are not for the better, but most of the time they are.  I am self aware enough to know when the changes I’m going through are not good for me.  I’m also self aware enough to know that without pain, there is no growth or change.  Growing pains are always a part of my evolutions.  While I don’t enjoy the process, usually once I’ve completed that one evolution, I’m okay.

I have a lot of problems.   I have health problems that are unexplainable.  I have depression bouts that my meds don’t seem to help.  I have attitude about the recovery program that saved my life.  I’m aware.   I’m also taking care of things behind the scenes.   I don’t talk too much about exactly what I’m going through or what I’m doing on this blog anymore.

I found out exactly how fickle the interwebz can be, so I choose not to share a lot of my life here, Facebook or Twitter anymore.  I’m okay with that.  I accept the way this world is and I know that every step I take is in the right direction for me.   Some of my decisions and behavior may not be what others expect of me, but they are always there for a reason.  I have to go through some stuff to get to the other side where I belong.

I’m okay with all of the stuff I’ve done, gone through and become to get to where I’m at today.  It’s a shame some people aren’t okay with that.  It breaks my heart that we all can’t just accept each other the way we are.  Even when going through changes and evolutions, we need to stand by each other and support each others.  Compassion, encouragement and love are three things I always try to give people in my life.  Whether I agree with what that person is doing or not, I am always there for them.  When people reach out to me, I try to reach back and let them know they are not alone.

My dreams are my own.  My dreams are not something to be judged or talked about behind my back.  My issues are my issues and they are being dealt with in my way and they are also not up for debate or judgment by anyone but me and my doctor.

I love watching people going through changes.  Sometimes they struggle and they fuss and they cry.  But most of us pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.  We keep fighting the good fight.  It’s the only option for me.  I keep getting up and I keep moving forward.  If I don’t, I won’t be able to accomplish any of the dreams I mentioned in my last posts.  How sad would that be?

I’m going to go enjoy my last day with my family today.  We are going to hang out, play the Wii, drink coffee, eat some yummy home made tacos and I’m going to bask in the love of the only people who truly matter.  Blood.  Family.  My family will never abandon me and they will never turn their back on me.  For that, I am eternally grateful.

Until next time…

Just hoping and wishing and praying

I am currently in Georgia hanging out with my family, so ya’ll get some pre-written posts.  

In my last post, I talked about dreams and goals and what a few of mine were.  While most of those goals and dreams I mentioned yesterday were not material objects, today’s post IS material object in nature.

My dream car is not the usual pick.  Most people pick sports cars and fancy trucks or motorcylcles.  My dream vehicle is a Volkswagen (yes, this has changed over the years as well).  The VW Toureg is my dream car.  Yes, I realize it’s a SUV and I realize it’s not very fast.  I also realize it’s not super hawt to trot or anything.  But it’s still my dream car.

My dream place to live is an apartment in a Manhattan high rise with huge windows overlooking Central Park or the financial district.  Yes.  I know it’s a “home” in the traditional sense, but since when have *I* ever given you the impression that I am traditional?

My dream job would be the public administrator of a NYC based public safety organization.  Yes, not glamorous and it wouldn’t pay a million a year, but it’s what I would love to do.

I’d like to compare some of these dreams I’ve listed and show you the evolution of me and the way I think in some of these.  I do have to say, some of these have not changed all that much.

In 1987, my dream car was a convertible BMW, candy apple red with black leather interior, 5-speed manual transmission.   In 1997, my dream car was still the BMW.  In 2007, my dream car changed from a sporty little German package to a large and sporty (to me) German package in the form of a VW Toureg.

In 1987, my dream home was located in Hawaii and on a beach somewhere.  Practicality did not matter.  As long as it was by a beach.  In 1997, my dream home was in New York City in the form of an apartment in a Manhattan high rise.  In 2007 my dream home was still that NYC apartment. 

My dream job in 1987 was to be a psychologist.  My dream job in 1997 was to be somewhere other than I was at the that moment (police records – do I need to say more?) and in 2007, my dream job was to be out of public safety and doing something else – anything else than what I was doing.   When I started college in September of 2009, I found myself thinking about career goals and dreams and what I would absolutely “die for” in the job department.  NYC came to mind again.

At 40 years old, I’m doing more than I ever dreamed I would do.  I’m going to college!  I’m living in a strange city (yes, it’s still strange to me after 2 years) and I’m making it!  I may not be happy 90% of the time here, but damnit I am striving and thriving here in the Ville!  I have a roof over my head, I have a job that pays me regularly and I have a handful of friends that I can rely on 24/7.   What a great life I have!

Some people think I’m crazy for deciding I want to leave Louisville after only being here two years.  to that?  I say, it’s okay you think I’m crazy.  I lived in the same place for 37 years while I was incredibly unhappy for at least 20 of those years.  I refuse to do that to myself again.  Absolutely refuse.   I am not “stuck” anywhere.  I am young enough to find another job in my line of work and in my line of work?  There is always job security in the fact crime will always be committed and fires will always be set.  Whether I get a police department job or a fire department job, I’m good.  Public safety is where it’s at!  lol

Until next time…

Just hoping and wishing and dreaming

I am currently on the road to Georgia, so ya’ll get some pre-written posts for today, tomorrow and Saturday.

Everyone has them, right?  Those dreams and wishes that seem just out of reach or out of our league.  We have dream homes and dream cars.  We have dream men and women and kids and jobs and and and…

My dreams have changed and grown and expanded.  They’ve evolved and gotten smaller, they’ve evolved and gotten bigger.  Some are within reach and some are still way off in the distance.

I used to think making these huge goals and setting limits would do me good.  And I’ve found over the years, making smaller, obtainable goals fits me much better.  I find I’m not so overwhelmed with my goals and expectations of something anymore.

My goal twenty-five years ago (I was 15 at the time) was to get a college degree and be in my “dream” job of being a counselor or psychologist.   My reality 20 years ago (I was 20), was working at Odyssey Records and not even wanting to get near a college or university for any reason whatsoever.  I hated high school with a passion.  I hated it so much, I almost didn’t graduate and my counselor talked to my mom several different times about me either not graduating or barely graduating.   Thankfully, I had just enough credits to graduate.

My goal 15 years ago (I was 25) was to be a stay at home mom and married to some guy who loved me to pieces.  My reality was working swing shift at the police department and partying until 4am with a group of people I worked with and some officers.

My goal 10 years ago was to promote to Administrative Assistant and work with a great Captain.  I reached that goal in 2003 when I promoted.  It took me two years to get to work with a great Captain who treated me with respect and spoiled me rotten.

My goal five years ago was to move to New York City with Todd and start over two years from the day we talked about it.  My reality was that I had four more months left with Todd living and that dream being alive.  My world shifted, changed and imploded.  I became a different person.  The evolution I experienced in the second half of 2005 was horrible and painful.  Yet, I grew and learned a lot about myself and the people I surrounded myself with.   I shed another layer of skin four months after Todd died.

It was October 2005 and the national GA convention was in San Diego.  Oh my gawd, I love San Diego!  Freaking love it there!  But I digress, I was only in San Diego because most of my friends twisted my arm and told me not to cancel the trip.  Todd and I had planned that trip for a year before he passed away.  I didn’t want to go.  But after much cajoling from our friends, I decided to go.

I had already canceled his portion of the plane tickets and what not through Cheap Tickets dot com.  Yet, when I got on the plane to go, his seat was empty.  Why didn’t they resell that ticket, damnit!  I sat on that 2 hour flight to San Diego with an empty seat that was supposed to have my best friend in it.  GAH!  Not a great emotional state to start my trip in!

On that trip, I learned that a lot of the people I surrounded myself with were not very compassionate and not very patient with my grief.  Which, in reality, is not a requirement, but it would have been nice.  I secluded myself and kept to myself away from the negative and toxic people who wanted me to forget about him and pretend he wasn’t dead.  Uh huh.  Getting right on that. (/sarcasm)

During that trip I realized I wanted something more with my life.  I wanted to #1, leave Las Vegas.  I had not been happy in Las Vegas for years, so why should I make myself suffer?  Life is too short (just look at Todd’s sudden death) to be unhappy.   I wanted to be happy with my surroundings, like I was happy within myself.  I had grown and learned and become a new person. 

My goal 5.5 years ago was to get out of Las Vegas and start fresh somewhere else.  Within this goal, I would a) get out of public safety and b) go to college.

Here I am, 2.5 years removed from Las Vegas and I’m a) still in public safety and b) going to college for a degree that will enhance my knowledge in public safety.  Once again, those dreams and goals evolved and changed and grew.

After I moved, I did a lot of praying, writing and meditation.  Public safety is what I know and it’s what I’m good at.  I’ve been in public safety for almost two decades, I can’t see myself turning my back on it completely.  Being support personnel for such an important job is important to me.  It’s in my blood, it’s who I am.  Everything I do and say can be somehow related back to public safety (police or fire).

While I’m not very happy where I’m living, I am willing to stick it out as long as I need to so that I can make my way south to live near my mom and brother.  I’m not actively searching for work down south, but I am keeping my eyes open, I have signed up for emails on jobs and what not, and I’m keeping my options open.

I will finish my Associates of Applied Science degree in February or March 2011 and be able to attend the graduation ceremony for the college in June of 2011 to get a diploma cover (the actual diploma will be mailed to me!) 

Depending on how the rest of this college stuff goes between now and next year, I may decide to continue my education and go for a Bachelor’s of Science in either Business Adminstration or their new one Criminal Justice Administration.  We shall see.

Currently, my goal is to do well in college, keep taking care of myself first and formost, do well at my current job and keep my head below radar.   I keep moving forward because moving back is not an option and is unacceptable to me.

In my entire life, I do not remember ever starting a huge project and finishing it.  My college degree is going to be different.  I set small goals each 10 week “term” and I meet them weekly.  I may struggle and fuss and bitch, but I meet that weekly goal.

THAT is something to be proud of…

Until next time…

Traditional

Our 12th Unity Step states….Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the Gamblers Anonymous program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

In most 12 step programs, they are called the “traditions”.  In GA, we call them the Unity Steps.  The last four words of the 12th Unity Step catches my attention everytime I read it and sometimes, I’ll just say those words out loud.

In the rooms, we are taught to put principles before personalities.  Which, in theory, is really awesome and a huge step for many of us to make.

I found in Vegas, when someone got on my nerves and I didn’t like their personality, I could go across town and go to a different meeting with the same principles.  I didn’t have to deal with their shit or their personality that I didn’t like.  Or if someone got on my nerves and I wanted to punch them in the throat to shut them up, I could pick one of 90+ meetings.

Basically, I avoided working that 12th Unity Step like the plague and it worked for me.  I found even when I was in a meeting with someone I did like, it wasn’t that big of a deal because I didn’t HAVE to socialize with them outside of the meetings.  I didn’t depend on their friendship or their presence in my life.

And then I moved to Kentucky.

I went from having 90 meetings available during the week to maybe seven and that all depended on the place we have the meetings being open.  Most churches and businesses here are closed on holidays, snow days, rainy days, etc etc.   I can not tell you how many meetings have been canceled due to one of the above reasons.

And then I was faced with actually having to see the same people over and over again, several times a week.  Even ones I didn’t (don’t) like.  I can count on one hand the people in the program in this city that I would WANT to contact outside of the rooms.  And while I have, they don’t respond much.  And I’m okay with that because I know where they are coming from.  I haven’t been to a meeting in months – they need to protect themselves and remain in the rooms (unlike me).

While I haven’t had any urges to gamble or be super self destructive, I have noticed a decline in my recovery health.  I know what I need to do, I’m just not all that inclined to do it right now.  I will sooner or later, I can guarantee you that.  

I sit and think of the people in the rooms here and I don’t really miss seeing them.  I can’t name one person I’d WANT to see right now.  I can’t name one person whose gambling story I would WANT to hear.  Does that make me a bad person?  Not really, just gives me one more thing to work on about myself.  Yay for self awareness.

And on a completely different and lighter note?  I’m going to Georgia tomorrow to see my family.  I am so excited I could scream and I’m sure I’ll be bouncing around the office today like a kid getting ready to go to Disneyland.

Until next time…

Wake me when the snow is gone

I sure wish this winter weather would go away!!!!  While I find the snow to be pristine and makes everything feel and smell so “clean”, I’m just done.  I have a road trip to take at the end of this week and I can not afford to miss more days from work than I’m already planning!

Friday evening, I sat down with another bowl of potato soup and a gass of Yellow Tail Pinot Noir (yum! I like it better than the merlot I usually get) and to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.  OY!  While I found myself intrigued at the first showing of the video, after that I was done.  Yet, NBC showed the video of the luger crashing on the practice run and being slammed into a steel pole at 85 mph several times.  It broke my heart to think of his family in Georgia (a part of the old Soviet Union) watching this on TV.  It broke my heart to imagine his countrymen and friends having to watch him die.

I found a great article about it over on MSNBC.com.   While I understand the media needs to show more of our “real world” things that are happening out there, I think the tastelessness of this is beyond words.  I haven’t watched NBC since just after the opening ceremonies.  Silly?  Possibly, but I refuse to watch the network who took an athlete’s death and exposed it like that.   I know.  I know other networks did the same thing.  I didn’t see those.  I have only seen it happen on NBC. 

Beyond that, I had a fairly uneventful weekend.  I worked on Saturday and we are now going back to the every other Saturday thing, instead of every Saturday.  I talked to the manager on Friday afternoon and I almost cried with relief when she told me!  It’s been rough working 6 days a week every week.  It’ll be nice to get a two day weekend at least every other week and I think it’ll be payroll Monday weekend, so that will be nice for gearing up for that day.

And just so ya know, in 72 hours from right now, I will be heading south to see my family.  Yes, I will be leaving at 6:30 or 7am in the morning on Thursday.  The earlier I get there, the more time I will have with mom and the nephews!  To say I’m really looking forward to this trip would be an understatement!!!

Until next time…

It’s like jogging on the inside

Laughter.  Giggles. 

I was a giggling idiot at work today.  Everything that was said or done made me giggle and one particular situation made me laugh and giggle like a fool in my office.  I’m sure people thought I was crazy, but the person making me giggle told me “good!  It’ll make the fact you are there a little more tolerable for the rest of the day!”  I thought that was pretty cool.

I’m just in a laugh-y (totally a new word) and giggly type of mood today.  I woke up extremely groggy and tired.  I’m still tired, but not groggy.  Actually I feel exhausted, but I’m in such a good mood today, who cares, right? 

Life is good for me right now.  Yes, I’m unhappy at my job, but when my co-workers can make me giggle like that and tell me it’s okay to be giggling like a fool, it’s a good day in my book.  My finances are improving to a point where I actually don’t have to rob Peter to pay Paul each month.  Nor am I living paycheck to paycheck at the moment.  There are still a few things that are catching up with me here and there and THOSE are the ones I’m still having financial trouble with.  I figure with the upswing in the other finance area, this area will improve soon as well.  I have faith it will and I refuse to let go of that faith and keep thinking negative thoughts about it.

I’ve been feeling a migraine creeping in all afternoon, so I downed some Excedrin Migraine before leaving the office today.  I’m hoping it kicks in soon.  For whatever reason, that isn’t even hurting my mood.  I’m going to have left over potato soup for dinner and I’m going to relax. 

Seven days and I’ll be on my way to Georgia, if not already there.  The weather does not look promising, so I’m going to be leaving super early Thursday morning next week.  I don’t care if it ends up taking me 12 hours, I will get there Thursday of next week!

And in the words of Ice Cube….today was a good day.

Until next time…