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Archive for February, 2010

Middle of the week thoughts

I woke up this morning and did not plan to go to work.  The weather people last night said that it was going to be worse than it was yesterday.  The snow was going to flash freeze and turn the streets into sheets of ice.  I do not drive on ice if I can help it. 

Imagine my disappointment when I woke up this morning and found that the road conditions were not half as bad as predicted.  I hemmed and hawed for a few minutes and then I sucked it up and got ready to go.  I got to work on time and sat at my desk wishing I was at home playing WoW or watching TV all day long.  Go figure.

Things at work have been calm and serene this week and for that I’m very grateful.  I walk on eggshells, not knowing when that will change.  I count the days until I can see my mom and brother and get lots of hugs and love from the family.  Eight days.  Eight days from right now, I will be heading down to Georgia to do just that.

I’m hoping this latest bout of winter weather is the last for the month of February, so that my trip down there is safe and uneventful.   I really need to recharge my batteries, so to speak, and seeing my family will provide me that recharge I need.  I wish I could take a little more time to be down there, but I don’t have enough vacation or personal time to take.  It’s okay though, I’ve already started planning another trip down there right after July 1 when I get more vacation and personal days to take! 

This is all dependent on whether I’m still here or not, of course.  I do still want to move down that way, but right now I’m just trying to do what I have to do and get through each day.   I go to work, I do my job with my head below the radar and try not to attract unwanted attention.  I keep watch on the websites for job openings and if one comes up that I feel I am qualified for, I put in for it.   If it’s meant to happen quickly, I’ll hear something back.

Nothing new in the love life front.  Of course, like a broken record, I have to say I don’t put myself out there much.   MBMoE has told me he does not want me to move because he would miss me (?).  I told him it wasn’t up to him and I didn’t know what else to say.  He seems really sad about me wanting to move.  Whatever.  I’m sure he’ll get over it!

I’m in a good space right now.  I’ve completed all school work for this term and while I didn’t kick ass the way I did last term, I passed both classes with flying colors and am ready to move on to my next term.   I don’t know how the survey I filled out for one of my classes will go over with the professor, but whatever, I was honest.  It was not a flattering survey, to say the least.

Until next time…

Absent minded

I made it a point to be absent from most online entertainment (except WoW and Facebook) this weekend.  I did not read blogs, write on this blog or get on Twitter.

I’ve had a lot of stuff going through my head and I’ve put it all down on paper (actually in Word!) and I’m working through it all.  I’m almost done with school for a week and a half.   It will be a nice little break, I think.  I struggled more this term than the first one, but I’m hoping I can over come those struggles this next term that starts when I get back from Georgia.

I’m still wanting to leave here, but I know it may not happen anytime soon and I’m okay with that.  I know that I need to be patient and give it time.

I worked my 2nd job on Saturday and I don’t think I got to sit down for more than 20 minutes at a time, which is good I guess!  I was constantly answering phones, helping people who came in and taking rent payments.  I also did my first lease signing and move in inspection by myself.  That was interesting hahaha

I was quite pleased that the Saints won the big game last night.  First appearance, first win.  It was a good game.  I didn’t really watch the commercials or the halftime show.  I am not a fan of The Who and I switched channels immediately when they came on.

I am off to do payroll and half a long Monday.  Hopefully it’s a good one though and payroll goes smoothly!

Until next time…

What I learned on Thursday

I was sitting at work yesterday when, fairly early in the morning, I realized a few things.  I learned something about me and I learned something about people.  It was like a light came on and I had me an epiphany.

I’ll be doing this in bullet style.

  • I learned that sometimes the person who is gossiping with you about a co-worker will turn around and gossip ABOUT you to another co-worker.
  • I know this is a behavior I’ve done myself, here at work and outside of work.
  • I learned I don’t want to be that way anymore.
  • I’ve added this behavior to my self-improvement plan of things I need to improve upon and not do anymore.
  • I learned I’m more patient than I gave myself credit for when it comes to some of the requests at work.
  • I wish I could learn that patience outside of work and with myself.
  • Shoulda, coulda, woulda will make regrets seem bigger than life sometimes.

While I rarely, if ever, participate in malicious gossip mongering anymore, I still do it.  There is this one person at work that several people talk about.  I laugh and just let the talk continue.  This makes me just as culpable as the people saying it.  Letting this talk continue in my presence is something I need to work on.  I don’t want to be culpable in that anymore.  It’s not who I am and it’s not who I want to be.

I’m human and I know that I am not perfect.  I’ve gossiped.  I’ve talked badly about people and I’ve been a bitch to several people in my past.  I don’t like that part of me.  I just don’t.  I think it’s mean and rotten just for the sake of being mean and rotten.  If the person has done nothing to me personally, I’m going to be working on not talking about them at all.   I also will work on it with those who DO stuff to me personally (supervisor, co-workers, etc). 

Feeling justified in my talking smack about someone (whether deserved or not) is not how I want to do things.  Just because that person is one way, does NOT make it okay for me to do it.  It does not make it okay for me to sit on this blog and talk shit about my boss or anyone else.  No matter how badly she treats me or how badly I’d like to punch her in the throat most days, I will be working on not talking about her on here after this post. 

It’ll be difficult for me.  Any type of change I make from the inside is difficult.  It’s a change of behavior and those are never easy to change.  I will slip and fall, but I’ll get back up and do it again.

The epiphany I had really opened my eyes to my own behavior and so you’ll get to witness yet another Evolution of Sodapop as I go through this transitional change of behaviors.

Until next time…

Blah blah blah

That’s how I feel today.  Although I’m in a fairly good space mentally, I’m just blah today.  I’m fighting this sinus infection thing again and it makes me cranky, but really, nothing majorly bad to speak of.  Work is the same, while I enjoy some of the time I’m in the office, the majority of it, I’m looking for excuses to go home and not be here.

I normally force myself to stay and just “suck it up” as most people would tell me to do.  Because, yanno, there are hundreds of thousands people who do not have a job.  Well ya know what?  That’s all fine and good, but this is MY circumstance.  This is MY situation and if I want to bitch about it because I’m happy?  Well then that’s exactly what I will do.   Do not get me wrong, I feel bad for the people who don’t have jobs.  I’m very grateful I do have one.  On the other hand, just because I’m grateful for the job, does not mean I enjoy it, like it or will not bitch about it.   Just so ya know.

Last night was the last seminar for one of my classes.  I really enjoyed that professor and her sense of humor.  I’ll be turning in my essay Sunday or Monday (depending on how much time I give myself to work on it on my one day off) and then I’ll also have to turn in my other paper that is due for the other class.  I have the last seminar for that class tonight.  I did not enjoy this professor.  At all.  However, I’m passing the class and with the turning in of my paper this weekend, I’ll be sure to lock in that passing grade.

Once this week is done, we’ll have a “reflective” week for week #10 and we’ll just discuss what we learned and how much we liked/hated the classes.   I’ll then have the week of 2/15/10 off from school and my new term will start up on the 24th.  Wooot!

In moving my trip to Georgia up a week, I’ve avoided having to be doing homework or school work or sit in seminar at all while I’m down there.  I’ll be able to enjoy my family time and not worry about anything else.  Except having to come back to the Ville once my long weekend is over. 

I was talking to a friend at work last night and he asked me if I was still thinking of leaving.  I told him I was, but it wouldn’t happen over night.  I need to be patient and see what happens.  I’m not in a super rush because of the economy and job market right now, but I am looking in that area. 

In a way, I’d like to try to make it last here a little bit longer so I can finish this degree off.  Although I can take these classes no matter where I’m living, I’d just like to finish em out here.  I don’t know why. 

I’m hoping with this “winter weather” we are supposed to be getting starting tomorrow that it gets the crap out of it’s system before my drive to Georgia.  I’d really rather not deal with crappy weather on the drive down there or back.  Ya know?

Now that my rambling thoughts have made their way to this page, I’m off to go to work.

Until next time…

Hump day Wednesday!

SQUEEEEE it’s hump day!  One day closer to the Friday, which is one day closer to Saturday (my last work day of the week) and my one day weekend!  I can’t wait to be able to sleep in past 6am again!  I’m exhausted!  I’ve been fighting more congestion and allergies stuff, and it’s frustrating.  Just gotta take care of myself and keeping doing what I’m doing!

I was doing more research yesterday and found that the Atlanta area DOES have a high asthma symptom ratio.  *le sigh*  I’m thinking I’m just going to have to suck it up and wherever I move, make sure I find a doctor right away to help me keep it under control.  Ya know?  The best places on these lists I’ve been reading are out west (Arizona, Nevada, California) and those three states would completely defeat the purpose of me wanting to be closer to family.

Today marks the beginning of week #9 in school for this term.  Wow.  Just wow.  I’ll be working on a seven page essay for one class and a four page paper for the other.  But it’s the finals week and once I get those done, I’ll be done with school basically for 2 weeks!  Week 10 is usually just some discussion board stuff that has nothing to do with our grades.

I did my quizzes for week eight last night and then I played WoW for a few hours with Miss Jade, cause she created a character on my server so we could play together.  Hehe  I got her hooked up on vent and so we can now talk all the time when we are playing the game. 

I watched a little bit of the Lost premiere last night, but honestly, I can’t keep up with that show anymore.  It’s so confusing and mind boggling.  I’ll watch it off and on for the season, I’m sure. 

Until next time…

What to do, where to go…

While I’ve not put everything into motion with my moving, I have been doing research on allergy and asthma symptoms in areas of the country.  Because seriously, it would defeat my purpose of leaving her due to my health issues if I move somewhere that will not help improve them, ya know?  My asthma and allergies and at a super high right now with the way this weather changes every five minutes and I don’t want to end up making these things worse with wherever I go.  

My focus is the Atlanta area and I noticed on a website I was reading last night that Atlanta was NOT on the top 100 of the worst allergy cities.  So this is good, right?  I also noticed that most of the bottom of this list are on the west coast.  I’d like to avoid the top 50 cities for worst allergies and asthma.  I really need to think about my health in all of this too.  I do know though, that allergies in Georgia are pretty bad sometimes and I need to aware of that if I choose to go there (which I most likely will). 

Currently, my asthma is pretty controlled with OTC meds and my inhaler.  I want to make sure that wherever I go, I continue that trend and not make it worse.  Stopping smoking would be a great start!

While I’ve set a “goal” of sorts to be out of this area within two years, I know that if it happens much sooner than later, I will not be disappointed.   Although, later would be a little better for planning things.  I’ve started making a list of things I want to box up and not use until after I move (books, knickknacks, etc).  I’m also considering what I even want to take with me.  Lists, goals and my emotions are all going down on paper each day.

I have not felt so comfortable with a decision in so very long, I’m almost afraid of how comfortable I feel with this.  While I know this will not take care of all of my problems (because, yanno, a lot of my problems are in the head), I do know this is going to be a good thing for me.

In 23 16 days, I’m going to be heading south to visit my family for the first time since July 2009.  This is entirely toooo long to go without seeing family, in my opinion.  My financial situation has improved quite a bit and I’m still working on that area of my life, but it’s at a point now where I was able to get my car fixed and got new tires for it too. 

I can’t go jetsetting anytime soon, but my bills are getting paid and I’m negotiating with some of my creditors from before.  These are all good things and I’m taking the steps necessary to try to get all that crap taken care of.

I have some TV to watch on the DVR, but I have homework to finish up tonight when I get home and I have two quizzes to take for school, so I’m going to have to put the TV watching on hold.  Just need to make sure it doesn’t fill up and stop recording stuff!

It feels good to have a home phone again.  I tried the cell phone only thing for over a year and I did not like it.   Having a home phone makes me feel “grounded” and rooted into where I’m at.  I don’t know why that is, but it’s how it makes me feel.  It’s also much more reliable than the cell phone here at home.

I think I’ve rambled enough for now!

Until next time…

Weekend? What weekend?

I’m feeling the burn out from working every Saturday!  I knew I would, but I’m trudging through and trying to get a feel for the schedule.  It’s a pain in the ass working six days of the week!  Oh well.  Gotta do what I gotta do, right?

My grade has improved greatly in the one class I was struggling in.  Just trying to stay on top of all the schoolwork with the two jobs is a little overwhelming.  But I’m managing it and I’m going to get through it just fine.

Someone asked me if I was afraid to make such a big move when I finally find a place to go near my family.  I thought for about 2 seconds and responded “No, I’m not scared.  I moved 2000 miles away from Las Vegas to get where I’m at.  I’m pretty sure I can handle the 500 or so miles to my family.” 

While I’m incredibly ready for this transition to happen like yesterday, there are some people at the job I will miss greatly.  I will absolutely cry when I have to say “see ya” to them.  Some of the people here have been so good to me and such great people at heart.

I’ve been actively searching in the Atlanta area and I am crossing my fingers I get something lined up pretty fast.  I haven’t told the supervisor or Manager Lady yet, but I’m holding off doing that as long as possible.  Because really?  Supervisor Sybill treats me really badly anyway and I just know in my heart that if she knew I was planning on leaving, she would treat me worse.  Like ten times worse!

For about 30 minutes of my decision making process, I thought about going back to Vegas.   But in the big scheme of things, Las Vegas is incredibly unhealthy for me, spiritually and recovery wise.  While I need to really work on the recovery in my life, I know that Vegas is not the place to do it.   Wherever I go, there I will be and I’m aware of that and I’m okay with it.  No matter where I go, I’m still going to have to deal with my shit.

Someone asked me to list exactly what I do not like about this area and so I’m going to fulfill this request on this blog:

  • The GA group.  I’ve never really felt a “part of” in this place.  While I think several of the members here have some kick ass recovery, I also think many of them are just abstinent.  Kinda like me right now.  lol
  • Not being able to see my mother every weekend.  My mom and I are very close and being this far away from her is making me pretty miserable.
  • The job.  While I enjoy quite a bit of the work I do, I really dislike the job greatly.  I think the people (supervisor) help this dislike grow a little bit each day.
  • No social circle to speak of.  Yes, I could have applied myself more in this area.  However, the ones (social circles) I did try to get into were not my cup of tea and I did not enjoy the company of the people.  This includes the people from church.
  • The fact I’m unhealthier physically than I’ve ever been in my entire life.  Since the first few months I moved here, I’ve had more sinus infections and allergy problems than I had in a decade before moving here.   I would have one or two sinus infections a year and here?  I have anywhere from 5 to 6 AND I developed asthma since moving here.
  • Being so far away from my mom.  Oh wait.  I mentioned that, didn’t I?

Those are the basic, main reasons I do not like it here.   There are a lot of things I DO like about this area, I’m not going to try to say there is nothing promising about this city.  However, for me, this is not where I want or need to be anymore.

I’ve learned so much in the last 2.5 years, I really can’t complain too much.  I’ve been braver and more courageous than I ever was and I’ve made it.  I made it for this length of time on my own without going completely crazy or emotionally bankrupt! 

Until next time…