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Archive for March, 2010

Love and understanding

I feel such peace within me right now.  I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but I’m not going to question it.  I’m going to embrace it and enjoy it.  Maybe it’s the weather?  Maybe it’s my little workouts I’ve been doing on the elliptical.  I don’t know.  I like it though and it makes me happy.

Over the course of this week, I noticed I stopped struggling with a lot of things inside of me.  There always seemed to be this inner conflict going on with me to act or speak a certain way.  When I finally let that go and decided to be me, myself and I; I found the peace I’m speaking of.

I also believe a lot of this peace has come from some books I’ve been reading.  I’ve been doing a lot of online research and reading on a certain subject that I find comforting and useful to me.  It’s been a very spiritual and learning experience. 

Work has been going well too, which makes me quite happy.  I don’t know if it will last and I’m not going to question it.  It is what it is and I will deal with it a day at a time.

I’m holding down a steady B in both my classes this term.  We are starting week #6 today and so we are more than halfway done with this term!  For my week in math, we are studying geometry.  OMG!  Can I puke now?  Lol  Horrid!  We also have to start thinking of our “final” project in math and it has to be on a subject we’ve studied so far in the class and I have to relate it to my current profession.  OY VEY!  I’m sure I’ll think of something. 

In my writing class, I’m struggling more than in my math.  Go figure!  But this week I’ll be working on my thesis statement and outline for my paper, as well as begin the first draft of said paper.  The outline and thesis statement is due by Saturday at noon and the first draft is due the following Saturday at noon.  I like this professor, she gives us extra days to get things done, which has helped me tremendously since I’m usually so focused on the math homework, I tend to forget the writing stuff.

I haven’t posted twice in a day in quite some time, so I’m putting a different time on this one to post later in the day.  Don’t want to fill up your readers with too much shit now do I?  lol

Until next time…

Just so ya know…

I slept on my feelings about something so that I could make sure I was thinking clearly and not being too bitchy when I wrote this post.

Since I generally do not like to cause or be the cause of drama for anyone, I’m going to put this out here for the world to see.   I posted something on Sunday that seemed to stir up a hornets nest.  People emailed someone thinking I was talking about them.  You’re wrong.  Whoever you are that emailed this person to ask if I was talking about them.  You were wrong.  I wasn’t talking about that person.  The person I WAS talking about approached me and it’s worked out.  So you know who you are when I say I’m sorry it caused you heartburn.  There has never been any intent to cause you harm.

To everyone else reading this blog:  If you think you know who I post about when I post about stuff, you are most likely wrong in your assumption.  See, here’s the thing, before I started blogging in 2006, I had a life.  And, contrary to what a lot of people think, I still have one outside of this here computer.  So, I have tons of real life friends I talk to, interact with and what not.  Yeah, my social life is a little lacking since I moved, but it’s improving (right along with me!)

Every post I’ve ever posted about a friend on here was not intentionally meant as passive aggressive, snarky or cryptic to anyone in my online world.  However, some of my readers seem to think they know whom I speak of when I do post about friendships and what I believe they are, or whatever the case may be.  I find this strange, since I have yet to speak to anyone in my online world about any other friend I have in the online world.  I have not spoken negatively about anyone in my circle, nor do I have plans to.

I have to tell you I HATE the fact drama has seeped into my little online world.  Because really?  I’m 40 years old and I don’t have time for the bullshit that people create and think they know.

I come to this blog to express MY feelings.  I don’t express your feelings.  I don’t assume your feelings.  I express myself to the best of my ability so that I can work through whatever junk I’m carrying.   And I have always believed there are three sides to every story.  There is this side, that side and the right side.  The truth is always found somewhere in the middle of this and that.  And unless you live my life for me, you don’t know where I stand on issues with anything or anyone (unless, of course, I come here to express myself).  Just because I express my feelings here, does NOT mean I’m in the right or the only one who is correct.  All I’m doing is expressing my feelings.

I have an old friend in Vegas, R, who really hurt me and we had a painful parting of the ways shorlty after Todd died.  Most of my shit I post out here is about her or my friend K (who is also in Vegas).

Unfortunately, people on the internet don’t know me as well as they think they do.  Because to assume that I would intentionally hurt someone I consider a friend is so incredibly full of shit, I don’t know how to express what I’m thinking.  Seriously, you people have known me for 3, maybe 4 years.  I show you a certain side of me.  You don’t know the real me.  There are very few in my online world who do know any part of the real me.

If you seem to think you know who I am talking about on this blog, just remember you are wrong 9 outta 10 times.  And even on that 10th time, you’re probably wrong too.

So again, to anyone who was hurt, maligned or given heartburn over that post of mine of Sunday (oh, did I mention that is worked out between the person and I?) I apologize.   I, in no way, meant to hurt you or cause you drama.

Until next time…

What a beautiful day

The weather day started out crappy!  Traffic sucked, there was creepy fog all around while I was driving toward downtown.  But the end of the day? Absolutely beautiful.

The only problem with this beauty is the allergy and sinus problems I end up having when the weather gets nice like this.  I’m currently fighting another sinus headache and stuffy nose.  Boooo

And besides that boring ass information about my health, I got nothing else for ya.   I’m in a good space mentally and emotionally.  I’m hoping a lot of the depression issues I had over the winter was just because of the blah-ness of winter weather.  I’m hoping for improvement each day from here on out.  Actually, I have faith I will see and feel improvement in all areas I’m working on.  Life is good right now.

You Are Mind

If you dream it, then you can do it. You are very mentally sharp and strong.

You enjoy challenging yourself both at work and with studies. You love mastering difficult tasks.

You thrive in new environments, even stressful ones. You are able to study everything objectively.

You have an upbeat attitude, and won’t be deterred easily. You are open minded and optimistic about the future.

Riding the pink cloud…

After that post yesterday, I have to admit how much better I feel.  I feel even better this morning because this friend I mentioned and I have talked a bit and I believe it will work out just fine. 

We have a saying in GA that new members are usually riding the pink cloud by days 15-20.  This means they are opening their minds up to newer possibilities and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  For some, the pink cloud effect lasts for months into the program, even years.  If we are truly blessed, the effect will carry with us throughout our recovery.

Currently, I feel that feeling.  I feel like I’m in a pink cloud effect.  I feel light and happy.  I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I don’t know what exactly happened inside of me over the weekend, but while some of the feelings were negative and hurtful, I sure feel differently today.  I feel like a weight has been lifted and there is no darkness around me.

Was it me letting go of resentments?  Was it looking in my mirror and accepting myself the way I am, without change?  Was it forgiveness of self and others?  I don’t know exactly what it was, but I’m glad I went through it.

I think life is too short for resentments and hatred.  I’m going to be making a concerted effort to not harbor those two things anymore.  Yeah, it will take some work, but I think some of what I went through over the weekend had to happen in order for me to move forward.  I prayed to see the truth and I saw it in all it’s glory and pain. 

And on a completely different note, I woke up in a panic at 5:45 this morning, believing it was payroll Monday.  OY!  Talk about an adrenaline rush too early in the freaking morning!  It took a good 45 minutes while slowly getting ready for work for me to calm down and my heart rate to go back to normal.  Not a great way to start the week!

I was a complete lazy ass over the weekend and didn’t do half my homework.  I’m going to be a busy woman this afternoon after work!  Blech!  That’s what I get I suppose!

Until next time…

I can see clearly now…

Although the sun is not shining here in the Ville, my eyes are open.  I had an epiphany over the weekend and it really feels good to be able to say I’m on the other side of something.  I had really been struggling with a few things (obviously, since I talk about stuff all the time here) and something just “snapped” over the weekend.  It was like a light that popped on and allowed me to see the truth.

I pray every day that God allows me to see the truth, no matter what truth that is.  So basically, even if it’s something I’m going to have to work on harder or more frequently, I ask to see it.  I ask to see the truth because for me, the truth shall set me free.

I also realized how big of a bitch Karma really is and I’m willing to take my penance for past transgressions against other people.  While I don’t think I was an absolute horror or bitchy person, I have wronged people.  I have treated them horribly, talked about them behind their back and generally gossiped and criticized them.  And that was repaid to me over the weekend.  I was hurt, angry and disappointed.

I have a sordid past.  I’ve never been untruthful about that.  I’ve had affairs with men who were unhealthy for me for one reason or another.  Either they were not emotionally unavailable to me, they were married, they were taken, they were addicts, etc etc.  Whatever the case may be, I own it.  I own every single one of those things I’ve done.  While I’m not proud of my actions in the past, I am proud of the fact I strive not to do it anymore.  Yea, I struggle with it.  Yes, I pray about it all the time.  I pray for guidance and strength.  I even talk to a few friends about how I feel in one particular situation.  I am tempted every day and I do not “bite.”  I fight it off and I turn the other cheek.  I’m quite proud of myself for that, considering how I used to be and this is in recent past.

I had one of those situations passive aggressively thrown in my face over the weekend by someone I considered a friend and this light bulb came on.  It enabled me to see the truth, as painful as it may have been.  It enabled me to block a few people from certain information on FB and it’s given me the strength to really look at who I am.

  • I am a woman who is honest about her feelings.
  • I am a woman who will not hide from her past.
  • I am a person who is good at heart and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.
  • I am faithful in my friendships and my relationship with God.
  • I am working on myself and improving daily.
  • I am strong, courageous and beautiful.
  • I know who I am AND while some people do not, *I* like who I am.

I am who I am.   I will remain loyal to myself, “to thine own self be true” and the “truth shall set me free.”  I’m done worrying about what others think of me.

Until next time…

What is this thing you call motivation?

I’ve been thinking about motivation lately.  Mirriam-Webster defines this as the act or process of motivating or a motivating force, stimulus or influence.

I haven’t been motivated at work in quite some time.  I have not made it a secret on this blog or in my real life (except at work) that I’m unhappy in my job.   There are several reasons for this, a lot of it being me and I’m not afraid to own my part in my own happiness at this job.

I was reading Yahoo news and found this article and what bosses should never say…And amazingly?  There are four things on this list that HAS happened to me at work.  I attribute half of my lack of motivation on this stuff!  The two that really stick out in my mind from this list are:

3. “I was here on Saturday afternoon. Where were you?” This kind of “subtle” pressure to work 24/7 is a good way to burn out your employees. You won’t get that much more productivity out of them, and you will destroy morale. You may choose to work seven days a week. That’s your call. But your employees shouldn’t have to. If you observe that they are working way more than their job descriptions call for, consider that maybe it’s because you’re overloading them. Look for ways to fix this problem.

You see, before P and I were hired here, there was just the two of them running the personnel/payroll section.  They worked from 6am to 8pm most days and weekends.  Not only did they have their own jobs to do, but the jobs P and I now do had to get done as well.  Payroll and OSHA/workers comp stuff is time consuming and that’s only a shadow of what my job is.

I’m tired of hearing it.  I’m tired of hearing how they come in at 6am and don’t leave until well after I’ve gone home for the day.  I’m not allowed to work overtime except on payroll Mondays and then if they have a clerical project going on and need a super fast typist. 

I totally get that you ran this place by yourselves for 2.5 years.  I get it.  But you don’t do that anymore, so shut up about it.  Because really?  It just shows me how bitter you are and how much of a martyr you are.

The other thing on this list that rears it’s ugly head for me to deal with on a daily basis is:

5. “We’ve always done it this way.” Want to crush your employees’ initiative? This is a good way. News flash: Your employees may actually have a pretty good idea of how to do their jobs. Maybe they know even more than you. Your job as boss is to encourage them to have the energy and motivation to be innovative. In fact, employees who come up with better ways to do things should be celebrated and rewarded. (Hint: Cash is nice.)

Ahhhh yes.  My absolute favorite thing to hear around the office.  I’ve tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to bring this office to the 21st century.  Yanno?  Upgrade a few processes, stop tracking shit by hand, keep spreadsheets, etc etc.  Oh no, those are wrong.  *le sigh*  Killed my motivation so many times I can not begin to tell you how many times I have wanted to scream.

I track vacation, sick, personal time, personal days, comp time and floating holidays.   Each one of these are tracked differently, in separate locations and different papers scattered throughout my office.  I’ve tried to make this job easier on me by putting a lot of this stuff in spreadsheets in Excel.  Not allowed.  Have been forced to go back to the handwritten, completely different than the other 3 leaves I track way.  Nice.  Frustrating too!

And on that note, I am grateful I have a job.  I am grateful I have loving family and friends who support me.  I have a roof over my head nightly, I have food in my belly daily and I have the unconditional love my puppers Josie.  Can’t ask for much more than that.

Until next time…

Hump day, middle of the week, one day closer to Friday…

I have yet another two day weekend ahead of me! woooot!  The manager of the apt. complex called, they don’t need me this Saturday due to the owner being in town and wanting to meet with her that day.  YAY for another day of sleeping in!!!

I was reading this article over on Yahoo that lists 101 small pleasures.  I wanted to share my favorites from this list with you.

  • coloring (yes, grown-ups can do it, too)
  • sleeping in
  • an exercise endorphin high
  • a perfect cup of coffee
  • a genuine compliment (giving or receiving)
  • finding a couple forgotten dollars in your pocket
  • doing something nice for your neighbor
  • a home cooked meal
  • laughing
  • movie theater popcorn
  • playing hookey
  • an afternoon nap
  • old fashioned photo booths
  • rainy afternoons
  • the wind in your hair
  • treating the person behind you at the drive-thru
  • staying in your pj’s all day
  • singing along to the radio and knowing all the words
  • happy endings…even if they’re fictional
  • puppies
  • sunshine
  • spending an afternoon at a museum
  • the sound of rain hitting the windows
  • the cold side of the pillow

There were so many on this list I can’t really do it justice.  Clicky the link and see the list for yourself.  What a great reminder of some of the simple pleasures we all over look in a day.

And just so ya know, yes….I DO own a coloring book and crayons.  I am not ashamed to admit that I am 40 years old and I find it very relaxing to pull those out and color for half an hour or more.  Great calming therapy for me and my anxiety. 

Those health issues I mentioned in the last post?  One of them has caused some more health issues and so I’m finding it difficult to sit, stand, walk or anything of that nature.  Awesome!  wooohooo I love it!  I feel so emo today.  I need some cheese.

Until next time…

The one where you’ll say I shared too much information…

Yeah this is one of those posts.  Where you’ll be reading this thinking “holy shit!  I can’t believe she shared that!”  Or something like “I would never share that information on the internet!”

Go ahead and get it out of your system and/or click the little X up in the upper right corner cause I’m about to get more informational than you will care for, I’m sure.

This post has to do with my physical health.  My mental health seems to be leveling out and I know what direction I want to go in and I’m moving forward with that. 

However, my physical health goes back and forth, like a little roller coaster set in perpetual ON mode, I’m going up and back, around and down and up and down.  You get the picture.

1.   First up are my wrists.  I was diagnosed in 1997 with carpal tunnel in my left wrist.  They put me in a brace and gave me some script strength ibuprofen and sent me on my way.  In 2000, I had to have surgery on said left hand due to carpel tunnel syndrome.  After months of healing and recovery from that, the CTS came back along with a new friend called tendinitis in both hands.  The tendinitis was in the thumb tendons and it even had it’s own fancy name called De Quervain’s Tenosynovitis.  Yeah, it sounds a lot worse than it really is, but it is painful.   In 2004, I had surgery on my right hand to release that tendon in my thumb.  When I was all done with that recovery and healing process?  It sorta came back.  Okay, nothing “sorta” about it.  It came back full force and both of my hands (and I) suffer trememdous pain from it.

I asked my hand specialist at the time, “What can I do to stop this from recurring?”  His response to me was simple, so simple a little kid would know it.  He said “Stop doing what you’re doing for a living and it’ll go away and never come back.”  Ummm right.  I type and/or write for a living since I do administrative/clerical type stuff!  I write things down all the time for this job.  I type all the time for this job.  No way could I give it up at this point.  Here I am, almost 10 years from the original surgery on my left hand and I’m in more pain today than I was back then.  That’s for damn sure!

2.   Next is my right foot.  I have what they call a Morton’s Neuroma in between the 4th and 5th toes.  Which is odd, because MN usually occurs between the 3rd and 4th.  This little thing on my nerve acts up, usually in the winter when my shoes pinch my toes together, effectively pinching that nerve the growth is on.  During the summer, it’s not as bad since I wear a lot of open toed shoes and looser fitting shoes.

The solution for this one is to have that portion of the nerve removed.  Effectively killing all feeling in the right half of my right foot.  I would have no feeling from my middle toe outward to the pinky toe and all the way back to my heal.  No thanks.  I’ll deal with the pain.  Although the pain can be something fierce some days, I tend to just go through it.

My hands and my foot have been hurting for so long, I tend to not complain about them unless they are really super bad

3.  Also with my feet, I visited a Podiatrist several years ago to have my ingrown toe nails removed from the big toes.  My poor Mom sat through that procedure and got to watch me jump outta my skin when he gave me a shot of the numbing stuff (right under the toenail of the big toe).  Awesome, great times!  

He removed the ingrown nails and poured that acid on them that was supposed to kill the nail growth, ya know?  Kill the nail growth so that part of my toenail does not grow anymore.  Needless to say, here I am a few years later with WORSE in grown toe nails than before.  Awesome stuff.

4.  Last, but not least, and the real reason I wrote this post….IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) makes me miserable more days than I can count in a month.  It is one of the worst things to deal with.  I’m currently dealing with a bout of the diarrhea portion of this and it’s driving me mad!!! 

It has, more times than not, been the cause of my use of sick leave around here.  I believe this will lead me to having a chat with the doctor again about treatment for the IBS.  It’s the most uncomfortable.  The others, I can handle for the most part and when I can’t, I just ice my hands, my foot and carry on with the day.

Yes.  I would rather deal with the pain in my hands AND foot at the same time than deal with this IBS bullshit (pretty literally!)

If you made it this far, thank you for letting me vent so much and whine a lot.  Now, send me some cheese?

Until next time…


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