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Archive for April, 2010

The weight has been lifted off my shoulders…

Isn’t it amazing how something you didn’t even know was stressing you out as much as you thought could be such a relief once it’s done?  Damnit.  Did that make sense?  Here’s the thing, on Monday of this week, I turned in the final paper for my math class.  I also finished up the last of the homework assignments and am now waiting on my final grade in that class.  I was holding a steady B without this paper being graded.  Depending on how well I did on it, I will either end up with a very high B or a very high C cause my current B status is somewhere in the middle.  I’m hoping I did not hose it as badly as I think I did.

My final paper for the English class is due tomorrow at noon.  I turned it in this evening after I got home from work and polished it up.  This one?  I feel like I hosed it to hell and back.  I do not feel confident in it at all and I feel more secure in my math final than I do this one.  And this is strange for me because I am suddenly doing fairly decently in math.

I should have both final grades by tomorrow sometime (my math dude will have it today or tomorrow and the English lady will grade it and let me know within an hour of grading).   So hopefully, by this time tomorrow evening, I will know how well (or horribly) I did in both classes.

The relief I felt turning in the math paper was phenomenal and then tonight after turning in the writing paper was awesome.  I felt all this stress leave me.  It may have helped that I started drinking Heineken right after I hit submit on that paper.  I’m already tipsy.  I need to remember how much of a light weight I really am when it comes to drinking alcohol anymore.  lol

Work was beautiful this week.  The bane of my existence was not there and so I woke up actually looking forward to going to work.  It was weird, actually.  Although I still hate payroll something fierce, I actually did not mind going to work.  Odd feeling for me, for sure.

I’m so looking forward to my weekend with some other bloggers in June and for my nine with my BFF in Vegas in October.  I’m focusing more on the October trip, just because it’s the “bigger” of the two.  Not in substance, just in length :P.

I felt a wave of happiness come over me when I actually put my foot down and wrote down the dates I will be taking off work.  I’ve already talked to Manager Lady, so hopefully Supervisor will approve.  It’s a little early to put in the request, but I’m spreading the word now so someone with more seniority than me won’t come in and swoop away the dates I’m going to ask for!

I’m going to get to meet tons of people I’ve been chatting with since September, I’m going to get to spend almost two full weeks with my BFF AND I’m going to get to my relatives (cousins) AND my GA family.  Holy crap!  I might even get to see one of my fave peoples ever, the incomparable Miss Hilly!   How cool would that be?  Holy crap!  See all that goodness and positive light?  I’m focusing on that.  I’m focusing on that because if I don’t, I will end up punching someone at work in the throat.  And I know ya’ll don’t want to have to send me bail money via Paypal.  LOL

On that note, I’m going to go watch some NCIS reruns.

Until next time…

I am feeling the sadness dissipating…

I’ve been making plans and securing dates and times on several different things I have going on.  First up in June, I’m taking a quick weekend to go to Milwauke, WI and attend a blogger get together.  I bought my plane ticket for that shortly after I got my tax refund.

After Mikey passed away on Thursday, I realized how much I miss my BFF and my other friends.  I decided to start planning a trip out there in October so that it would not be so hot there.  I was talking to a friend in Utah today after work and he mentioned Blizzcon was also in October.  This got the wheels turning in my head and I have decided I’m planning my Vegas trip right around that weekend in October where my BFF and I will take the side trip to Southern California for Blizzcon.

This will do many things for me, including spending time with my BFF, getting to visit Southern California again (I miss that place!!!!) AND meet people I interact with online all the time in-game.  I will then go back to Vegas after the convention and visit some cousins of mine and friends in GA.  I’m also going to go to as many GA meetings as I can in a few days time.

I’ll be flying for free *ahem* cause it’s good to have an “in” with Southwest Airlines!  The only expense I will have to come up with is a rental car for when we get back from Cali (so I can drive myself around) and the hotel in Cali.  Everything else will be taken care of.  I’ll be getting the vacation time come July, so I’ll take a weekend to see mom and family shortly after that and save the rest for October.

Now to the topic of the post….

I’ve been feeling very down, sad and unfocused.  When Mikey passed, I realized how much I missed everyone there and I became so incredibly homesick it was horrible.  I could barely function that day and over the weekend.  I forced myself too because I knew I would snap out of it.  Monday came around and it all had not really dissipated like I had hoped.  After talking to my BFF and letting her know I’m going to plan a trip to see her, I started feeling it lift.  The fog started to clear again and I realized I’ve been making myself suffer because I think I can’t “afford it.”  But ya know what?  With enough planning and saving and what not, I CAN afford it.

So here I sit, planning a trip to spend a weekend with some awesome people in June in Milwaukee and then an entire week + a day or two with my BFF, in Vegas and in California in October and most of it is already paid for!  OMG!  THAT my friends, puts me in a good mood.

Now I am going to focus on keeping this happy feeling and improving upon it!

Until next time…

Tuesday dreariness!

It looks sooooo dreary outside right now.  While it’s been raining pretty much all day, it just suddenly feels and looks dreary to me!  I don’t know why it took so long to feel drab to me, but whatev.

I found out Mikey’s memorial service is this Friday back in Vegas.  I wish I could be there.  Since I can’t, I’m going to take a moment at 10:30 Pacific time to say a special prayer for my dear friend.  It’s the best I can do right now and I need to be okay with that.

I talked to my BFF last night and cried.  I told her I’d be planning a trip out there for a full week once I get more vacation time at work.  I told her I would rent a car so I didn’t have to depend on her & her boyfriend or son to drive me around to meetings and what not.  This way I could go around to several different meetings and visit with several different peoples. 

She told me she would try to get me to stay there forever.  lol  I told her while I know that I’m unhappy where I am, I’m not unhappy enough or willing to move back to Vegas.  Visiting will have to do me when it comes to the homesickness.

Work has been going fairly decent the last week.  I just go into my office, keep my head down and try not to attract attention to myself.  While it’s normally way different than what I do, keeping quiet seems to keep me safe in that place and so that’s what I strive for.  How sad is that?  lol  What a truly sad statement of what my job is like.

I don’t feel as sad as I did when I wrote that other post.  I was just in a very bad space I guess.  I am definitely still sad about Mikey’s passing and that will take me a bit to digest and deal with, but how truly blessed I am to have met him. 

I completed my last assignment for my math class last night.  Hallelujah!!!! Goodness I did not think that 10 week class would end!  I’m just waiting to find out what my final grade is.  I’m fairly sure I passed, but I want to see how I did!

My writing final is almost done and I have until Saturday at noon to turn that one in.  I’ll be working on it tomorrow and Thursday when I get off work at 2:30 each day.  There are some perks to working downtown during Derby festivities!

Until next time…

A lot going on in this head of mine…

Friday, I got home from work to find an email from a Vegas friend letting me know that another good friend in GA has passed away.  Mike P was one of those old curmudgeons we all loved to argue with, take care of and generally rile up into a frenzy.  He was easy to get going on one of his rampages.  He was quick with a hug when you needed it.  He was quick witted, funny as hell and one of the most inspirational people I knew.  He had 20+ years without a bet and he loved his life.  He loved his meetings.  He was such a big teddy bear, even though he would bark at us from time to time when we did or said something he did not approve of.  With me and Todd, that was often and every time we saw him.  A beautiful soul taken from us with no warning and of natural causes.

I became so home sick for my GA family in Vegas, I cried for hours.  I made a lot of phone calls that night.  Not one of them local.  I leaned heavily and hard on my Las Vegas extended family.  I feel more of a connection with them and I believe this is why I chose to lean on them.  We cried, we laughed and I was awake entirely too late.

Veering a little off topic here, but like the title says…I have a lot on my mind.

I worked from 7:15am to 3:30pm on Saturday.  My paycheck will really dig that OT, but my body hates me for it.  The chair I had was entirely too big for me to sit in.  If I sat back to give my lower back support, I could not reach the keyboard or mouse and my feet did not touch the ground.  So I had to sit my ass further forward on the chair and not have that support my lumbar needs so much!  By the time I bailed, I was hurting something fierce.  I ended up not having to work OT today, thank God.  But I did have to cancel plans with Miss Laci because they had told us we would find out in the morning if we needed to work.  I canceled the late showing of Dazed and Confused on the “off chance” I would have to work.  *le sigh*  I could have gone to the movie!  Oh well.

I went grocery shopping and did laundry.  I procrastinated quite a bit on my homework and am just now doing it.  I’ll be slammed tomorrow and Tuesday after work, but I’ll get it all done I’m sure.   I am, however, going to finish the 20 problems for math before stopping tonight.

I’m feeling so sad right now, it’s hard to focus.  I talked to my mom and told her how homesick I’m feeling.  I would give almost anything right now to be in a GA meeting in Las Vegas surrounded by people I’ve known for the better part of a decade.  People who really know me and get me.  People who accept me the way I am and the only expectation is that I remain true to myself and to my Higher Power.  People like Mikey P who would bark at me when I did something they didn’t agree with, but remain true and strong when I didn’t know how to be.  I would give almost anything to be there surrounded by them and hugging them, saying the serenity prayer with them, feeling the spirit of love and friendship fill me.  There is no one who knows me like a fellow GA member.  It’s not right or wrong, it just is.  Addicts tend to know the depth of each others souls more than a “normal” person does.

*sigh* what I wouldn’t give to be sitting with K and L.  What I wouldn’t give to see my BFF face to face again.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to visit them for more than a weekend.  It’s time to start saving up so I can plan a week out there when I get more vacation time.  I can’t go much longer without having them close to me and in the same room with me.

Until next time…

Trying on a new hat….

I have never been one to balk at change.  Yes, I may be afraid of it and it may freeze me in place a lot of times, but I generally embrace change and really enjoy watching the outcome.

I noticed a trend about myself recently, in that I have been so concerned with ‘secrets’ at work, I lost focus of ME.  So I’m trying on this new hat called “if it does not directly effect me or concern me, I do not want to know.”   I don’t know how well I will do with this new hat of mine, but I’m willing it give it a good try.  Simply for my own sanity, ya know?

There has been some super secret squirrel shit going on around the office for weeks and I’m so bloody nosey, I just have to know what’s going on.  It’s giving me ulcers.  I realized, after finding out what one of those secrets were, that it doesn’t concern me, so I really don’t care.  lol  I’m trying this new hat as a preemptive strike against my own nosiness!

I woke up this morning feeling good.  I slept well for once (I can’t say I got a lot of sleep, but it was restful) and I woke up in a good mood.  I’m striving for more days like today. 

I’ve had quite a few days the last several weeks where I’ve stressed myself into tears.  And I just have to say nothing (not even my job) is worth stressing myself to the point my IBS acts up, I’m in tears half the time and I take everything said and done around me personally.  It is not worth it, at all.

It’s Derby time around these here parts and I just have to say I’m not really impressed.  I don’t know what it is that I do not like about this time of year, but bleh.  I’m not a horse person.  I don’t like horse racing, have never been to Churchill Downs (although I’d love to go for the historical value of it) and I’m just not “digging” all the activities.  En Vogue is playing the Fest-a-ville this year, along with Midnight Starr.  Good God.  Midnight Star!!!  I used to have a cassette tape of their music. 

While everyone else is out buying dresses, hats and suits for this year’s Oaks and Derby days, I’ll be content in sitting at home or in Panera Bread, finishing up my papers for this term in school.

Until next time…

Protected: Just a mish mash of things…

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Protected: Rules of engagement….

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I’ve been a bad blogger…

I didn’t realize it had been so long since I last blogged.  I had so much going on at work with the union contract, I lost track of my days.  I had a good weekend, I did a whole lot of nothing but sitting on my ass, although I was productive quite a bit on both days, doing laundry, homework, cleaning, etc.

The last few nights, my asthma has been acting up.  I cough and cough throughout the night, not getting much sleep at all.  This sucks for today, since it’s payroll Monday and all.  I’m all congested and my chest is heavy and tight.  I just really don’t want to get sick since I pretty much have to go to the doctor every time I call in sick now, which I can’t afford.

Thankfully, since I don’t call in sick all that often, it shouldn’t be a problem or concern once I start feeling better from this congestion and what not.

Here I sit with all these thoughts running through my head, mostly work related and I can’t think of a damn thing to blog about!  I guess I just wanted to let ya’ll know I’m still alive and kicking over here.

I’m going to be a busy school bee this week.  We are going into the final week of both classes and so I’ll be working on two final projects.  Both of them are papers.  One will be about statistics in public safety and the other about hunger in America.  Fun times.

Until next time…

Owning it!

Main Entry: hy·poc·ri·sy
Pronunciation: hi-?pä-kr?-s? also h?-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural hy·poc·ri·sies
Etymology: Middle English ypocrisie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrisis, from Greek hypokrisis act of playing a part on the stage, hypocrisy, from hypokrinesthai to answer, act on the stage, from hypo- + krinein to decide — more at certain
Date: 13th century

1 : a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion
2 : an act or instance of hypocrisy

This is the Webster definition of the word hypocrisy, retrieved from their website

I saw the picture perfect definition at work yesterday.  There may be another protected post coming.  If not, I’ll just leave you with that cryptic shit right there.

I’ve been guilty of it.  I know this.  I actually don’t know anyone who has never been hypocritical or done something perceived as hypocritical.  I do, however, strive to make sure I’m not being that way.  I am a work in progress and I refuse to rush myself or punish myself for my past mistakes.  I don’t belive any of us should do that to ourselves.

There is just one place in my life I have not been aware of being hypocritical and that is at work.  I’ve always (since I went into recovery) strived to keep all my actions above board and transparent.   I make sure that if I am feeling like I need to “hide” my behavior at work, then I shouldn’t be doing it.  It’s not right.  I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately, actually.  My work integrity and ethic has plummeted to new lows in the last six months.  I know it’s because I’m so unhappy where I am and I’m striving to change that as well. 

It may sound like it’s minor and not all that important, but for me, myself and I, I need to make sure I’m not screwing off when I have shit to do.  Even when I don’t have something to do, I’m sure I can find something around that archaic palace.

As I was sitting in front of my computer last night, barely listening to the TV and doing a few things in WoW, Miss Laci called to ask if I heard a bunch of sirens.  Why…now that you mentioned it, I do.  Uhhh yeah, there was a shooting right in front of my apartment.  17 year old boy was shot and killed.  Sad times.  I took pictures and put them on Flickr there in the left sidebar.

Until next time…

A case of the Monday stabbies….

I had a horrible case of the Monday stabbies at work today.  I was feeling very cranky and blah and didn’t want to be at the office.  And then one of the Lt. Colonels came into my office and gave me a baggy of Cinnamon bun gourmet coffee to try. 

He and I had been discussing flavored coffees on Friday and he asked if I had tried this particular flavor or brand.  When I said no, he told me I really should try it and I promised I’d look into it.  I promptly forgot about that conversation pretty much within five minutes.  Because my attention span is oh so awesome at 40.

I guess he knew I’d forget and brought me the bag of coffee.  I immediately made a pot of it, yes, I dumped out the rest of the coffee I had already been drinking specifically so I could make a pot of this new found flavored coffee!  And it was delish!  Oh boy!  I feel sorry for the other people who come to my office for coffee refills cause they are getting flavored coffee left and right!  lol

After I was done with my homework, I made a few GA phone calls.  While a lot of people don’t really understand what I was fussing about, figuring out the “odds” of something was very gambling-ish for me and it made me incredibly uncomfortable.  I made it through the 20 problems and the 10 question quiz though and for me, that’s all that matters!  We will be moving onto Statistics in the next two weeks of math class.  Yeehaw.  Can you hear/read the excitement?

Beyond working on Saturday, and even working a little late so that a couple could drop off their paperwork for application to me, I did one load of laundry and my homework the entire weekend.  Everything else was left on the wayside and it will eventually get done.  I have more laundry to do, more trash to collect and take out, etc.

I’ve been fighting these little baby ants in my kitchen.  If they were near the sink, I’d think it normal.  But these little ants are appearing on the stove and the refrigerator door.  I try not to use regular bug spray in the house because of my girl Josie, so I was using Windex multi-surface to clean things up.  I think I got them, but we’ll find out when I venture out there to the kitchen tonight.

Until next time…