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Archive for May, 2010

Taking ownership and possibly reversing my opinion

Recently, as I’ve mentioned before, I had some GA friends from Vegas in town last weekend (May 21-23).  They were in town for the Spring 2010 National Conference.   I made it a point to take time out of my school work to spend time with them.  I had too.  It was a great reunion with some awesome ladies.  I also got to meet people from all over the country and even a member from Moscow, Russia.

It was a wonderful weekend, we partied, we held our own little meetings almost everyday and we laughed and cried.  It was beautiful.  Absolutely what I needed.

What that weekend also did for me was remind me why I chose to live in this city and state.  They reminded how beautiful and peaceful it is here.  They helped me remember what made me choose this place when I moved so far away from them.  No worries, I’m still setting a long term goal of moving closer to family, I’m just not in as big of a hurry as I was a month or two ago.

I’ve been going through an anxiety attack for the last 15 minutes and I’m slowly finding my way out of it.  It’s the first one I’ve experienced to this level in quite some time and I don’t like it!  They always show up when I least expect it, that’s for sure.  I don’t even know what I’m so anxious about, but obviously there is something I need to look at.  Or it could just be “time” for me to have another!  I do know it’s getting within fidgety mode concerning the anniversary of Todd’s GA birthday and the anniversary of his death.

I have learned the very hard way to let myself feel exactly what I’m feeling and express myself accordingly with compassion and love.  I am missing him tremendously.  I close my eyes at night and I see his smiling face.  He’s been dead longer than I actually had him in my life and while on one hand it makes me feel a little weird, the other tells me it doesn’t matter how short a time I had him in my life, I had him.  Period.  He was absolutely, without a doubt, the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.  This is not to diminish the wonderful and beautiful friendships I have now, it’s just a fact.  On June 3rd, he would have had 9 years of recovery and on June 27th he will have been gone for 5 years.

While I don’t let my mourning or grief totally consume me like I did the first year after he died, I do find myself (on certain days), just remembering all the good times I had with him and our group of friends.  I miss his smile, his laugh, the belly bumps we would do when we did well bowling.  I miss people watching and picking out the gay guys from the straight guys at the mall with him.  There.  I put it out there.  I miss Todd.  I miss my Will Truman.  I know that he is still with me in my heart and he walks with me everywhere I go, but I miss his physical presence.  And ya know what?  It’s okay for me to feel this way.  My grief journey is a life long thing that I have learned to integrate into my life and move forward with.  I don’t let it freeze me up (for the most part), but I sure do not stop myself from feeling it.

Until next time…

Here we are…

My brother moves fast when someone is threatening my safe haven!  I emailed him late last night and by the time my psychology seminar started at 7pm, this blog was up and running.

It looks the same, it will sound the same and the only difference will be the URL and the people I give it too.  I’m sure there were people I forgot to email with the new URL and I’m sure I’ll hear about it in the next few days when they realize that the old blog no longer exists.  I was on the phone with him when my awesome-sauce brother killed the old blog.

When I got home from work, I was feeling all pukey like and so I was laying on the couch when he called me to go over the new parameters of The Soda Stand.   I got off the phone with him and I felt good.  I actually felt my heart kind of crack when he said he was “dead.”   I started blogging 6 months after my best friend died in the hopes of expressing myself where I couldn’t in other areas.

Blogging has really become an integral part of who I am and how I live my life.  I would be lost without it and I’m just grateful I can continue doing it.  All password protected posts will have a new password.  Once I decide what that is, I will let ya know if you want it.

While I will continue expressing myself as openly as I ever have, there will be some details about my life that I will keep to myself and my closest friends via email.  There was nothing viewable publicly that could have gotten me fired (thank goodness for civil service and union contracts) but it could and was a little embarrassing to find that some had discovered my safe haven, ya know?  I’m weeding people out and I’m starting out with a smaller group of peeps.

There are no links on my FB page to this URL and it will remain that way.  If I gave you this URL, please do NOT pass it on to anyone without my permission.  While it’s a public blog and anyone can read it, I’d like to try to filter out the ones I don’t want, yanno?  Hmmm control issues much?  lol

Also, when I password protect a post and I give you that password, please don’t share the pw. Totally defeats my purpose of keeping some things private the way I need to feel safe right now.

Thanks for being here and reading my rambling words.  I appreciate you more than you know.




There will be some changes coming to this blog.  There is going to be a new url and I will make sure that ya’ll get it.  Send me a message here, on Twitter or FB and let me know if you want it and I will make sure you get it.

Something happened last night that makes me feel not so “safe” in my posting over here anymore.  While I’m not all that upset about who actually found it or the information they can gather from it, but I am upset and worried about who MIGHT find it and read it.

I found out last night that several of my co-workers know about this blog.  Only one person at work has ever been told about this place and she and I are close enough friends that I know she wouldn’t spill the beans.  So I’m trying to figure out how the other found out about it because I have not shared how to find this place, the name of this place or the url of this place when I’ve been in the office.

I’m thinking that when I first started adding friends on FB, I didn’t remove the blog post linking thing fast enough and someone knew about it from that.  I know that I used to have it set where all my blog posts linked over there.  I’ve checked my profile there to make sure this blog is not listed anywhere and I don’t see it, but if you could take a few seconds and then shoot me an email I’d appreciate it.  I’m not 100% sure and in all honesty, I don’t care how they found out.  I just know that they did and I need to make sure others at work do not.  This is my safe haven and I refuse to let them spoil it.  So instead of getting rid of it, I will just be moving it.  My safe haven will have a new addy.

I never thought FEAR of discovery would cause me to want to change the URL of this place.  I wonder if my previous post from last week was a precursor for how I was really feeling and how things would go?  The feelings about being discovered here have surfaced and are not pretty.

I’ll let 95% of you know where I land!

Until next time…

There’s another world inside of me that you may never see

So much stuff has happened since I last blogged.  I’ve been planning for the last several weeks to spend some time with some Vegas GA people, which would in turn make it so I hung out with some Louisville GA people too.  Oh and I can’t forget my Indy crew either.  The 2010 Spring Conference was here in the Ville over the weekend.  It’s one of two national conferences this year.  The next one is in Tampa at the end of October.  If I had not already planned a 2 week vacation out to Vegas in October, I’d probably be going to Tampa. This post is discombobulated in my head, so it will probably come out like I’m rambling.  And I’m okay with that, I hope you are too.

Several of my friends from Vegas were planning on being here, since they are trustees for the area in Vegas.  Thursday I met a few of them downtown at the Galt House for dinner and cocktails.  I got home around 9pm after a wonderful time of catching up, laughing and seeing people I haven’t seen in years.  Friday, I ended up going to the doctor and with the rest of the day off work because of my hand (huge long story…thought it was broken, it’s not, but it still hurts!)  At around 630 or so, I headed back downtown to have dinner and cocktails again with the entire Vegas crew.  It was so incredibly fun, I can’t even begin to explain.  After the dinner and entertainment for the conference, we went dancing at 4th Street Live and I got home around 2am.

Yesterday, I slept in as much as my body would let me and then went shopping for a dress *gasp* for the banquet dinner.  This time, I took an overnight bag so I could stay over and see them off in the morning.  We enjoyed the dinner and then headed down to 4th Street Live AGAIN to a place called Saddle Ridge.  It has a mechanical bull and a pole to dance on.  Yes…there is a picture of me on FB dancing on the pole.  Pfft.

I think I finally fell asleep around 2am again last night and we woke up at 7am to hit the closing ceremonies and have breakfast with everyone before they all headed out to do their own thing or go home.  I took my friend J to the airport this morning and then headed home to start laundry, play a little WoW and do homework for the rest of the day.  I’ll be quite busy with the school stuff today and tomorrow after work.  I put it all aside for this weekend and it was worth the stress I’ll be feeling tomorrow while trying to hammer it all out.

I can not begin to explain how I felt this entire weekend.  It was soothing to me to have these women that I’ve known for the better part of a decade in my ‘hood.  They’ve seen me at some really low points in my life (when I first went into the program and when Todd died).  They’ve seen me at some really high points in my life (when I got promoted and when I made the decision to leave Las Vegas).  They’ve seen me when I’ve let my ass show (being a bitch, fussy, etc), they’ve seen me laugh until I cried or almost peed myself or both.  They’ve seen me struggle and strain to remain the person I am at my core.  They’ve watched me grow and they’ve watched every single evolution of me in the last 9 years.

And they’ve remained with me, even when I didn’t know why anyone would remain with me.  When I was angry at the world and lashing out at everyone right after Todd died.  When all I wanted to do was go gamble and numb the pain I felt when “he left me.”  They’ve held me up when I couldn’t stand on my own.  They’ve laughed with me, cried with me and prayed with me.  They’ve sat with me, danced with me, stood with me and recovered with me.  They are what I strive to be in 10 years.

They also presented me with a mirror I had not wanted to look at lately and I’m grateful for that.  I won’t be beating myself up anymore for who I am or what I’ve done or not done when it comes to the GA program.  I’ve remained faithful to myself and my Higher Power and I’ve chosen not to gamble, even when not attending meetings.  They reminded me how much I’ve grown and I can’t grow without some growing pains, so I’m absorbing all I learned this weekend and I’m absorbing the love and serenity I feel when I’m around them.  I am going to hang onto that for awhile and not let go.  I needed this weekend.  I needed my Vegas crew to remind me that my life is no longer black and white.  My life is what it is and I’ve come so very far with it.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Until next time…

Just a quick note to say hi…

Well hey there fellow bloggers of mine!  I’ve missed you!  I’ve tried keeping up with reading and commenting and I just suck at it right now.  I have so much on my plate, I don’t know if I’m going left or right most days.  But I’m okay with that.

I’ve been in a very good space the last few days and it helps that I’ve had some Vegas peeps in town to help me find my center again.  After work last night, I went down to the Galt House to meet up with them for dinner and cocktails.  It was a-w-e-s-o-m-e!  and I had a great time.  I’ll be heading back down to the hotel tonight and then again tomorrow after I get off work from the 2nd job.   I’m putting all homework and school aside so I can spend time with them.  I’ll be bitching about it Sunday and Monday when I’m racing to get everything done by the Tuesday due date!

I have some opinions about stuff and while I am so very tempted to NOT express them, I’m going against that thought process.

When I make a public mistake, I try to apologize publicly.  If I hurt someone publicly, the apology and the amends I make are public as well (for proof of this:  just read a few weeks back).  I do not bullshit people, I do not lie.  If someone comes to me and asks me, I lay it out.  Whether they believe me or not is up to them.  I don’t have time to worry about whether others are going to take my posts personally or not.  This blog is about no one but me and the way I feel about shit.  Period.  If I ever directly talk about someone, they know it because we’ve talked about it.  I’m not perfect though and I have posted before talking and that won’t happen again.  I learn from my mistakes.

I do not go around talking about people and I do not backstab.  I have friends in different circles and groups of people.  Each of these friends know that they can come to me and it will not be repeated.  Even if it’s about someone in the other group.  Not my style to read someone’s post about something and go running to the other group saying “Oh my gosh, you need to see what so and so wrote!”

What I have found in this blogging world of ours is that when I say something here, someone who reads me will repeat it to someone who does not read me.  When I talk about people on here, someone who reads me will turn around and manipulate it and tell someone else who doesn’t read me.  Right?  Wrong?  It makes me question each and every reader I have, honestly.  It makes me question loyalty of friendships and trust and respect of said readers.

BTW, just as a disclaimer, this has NOT happened to me (that I know of), just stuff I’ve read and noticed around these here parts.

I strive to own up to all of my actions and behaviors.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes.  I’ve gotten into patterns of mistakes.  I’ve gotten into patterns of unhealthy thinking and living.  Right or wrong, it’s what I’ve done in the past.  All I can do is move forward and try to learn from it and keep myself out of those situations.

I have no control over whether someone will use this information against me or not.  While I hope you wouldn’t use my information against me, it has been done before so it makes me nervous everytime I type something on here.

I refuse to be censored.  I refuse to be quiet just because others are vindictive and like to use someone’s past and pain against them.  I refuse to let someone stop me from expressing myself.  This is MY safe haven, not yours.  If you do not like what I have to say, stop reading.  I’m sure someone out there will tell you what I’ve said and manipulate it to their liking.

And now that I’m done ranting, I have to go to work.  Blech.  Jobs have a way of interferring with the way I want to live my life damnit!  Have a great day!  TGIFF!

Until next time…

Protected: Take a breath and look at things from a new perspective.

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Purge and cleanse, lather, rinse, repeat…

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, or navel gazing if that’s your preference.  I look back on this blog and I see how I’ve grown and how I’ve struggled.  I see how I went into a huge funk, one that I’m still finding my way out of.  I see things from my past that I sometimes think are best left unsaid or left in the dark without the whole world to see.

I’ve considered leaving the blogging world in a sense, that I wouldn’t really blog much anymore but still read your blogs.  I’ve considered going back through the 2500+ posts here and deleting or password protecting (with an unknown password) some of my other posts.

When I started blogging 4.5 years ago, I had very little knowledge of what privacy I would be giving up.  I didn’t realize people would try to revert me back to being in high school.  I graduated 23 years ago, I’m not digging it.  I didn’t like high school then and I certainly don’t like how it sometimes makes me feel now. 

I read and I hear about all this drama out in the blogosphere and it makes me question myself.  I look back at the last 4.5 years and realize how mean of a person I’ve been.  I also see how I’ve grown and become a better person from the inside out. 

In the next few days, if your readers blow up with password protected posts, please forgive me.  I don’t know if it will update your feeds or not (I’m not savvy like that) when I go in and update the post.  I’m almost afraid to delete or get rid of some of these posts because I’ve had this blog since I started and I don’t know if I want to get rid of that part of my life.  It’s helped shape me into who I am today and it makes me kinda sad knowing that I’m considering walking away from it.

I’m going to keep thinking, praying, meditating and journaling before making my final decision.  Maybe just start over somewhere else?  Who knows what I will decide.  Ya’ll will be the 2nd or third set of peeps to know (first will be mom and my brother).

Until next time…

Protected: I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 40 years….

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