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Taking ownership and possibly reversing my opinion

Recently, as I’ve mentioned before, I had some GA friends from Vegas in town last weekend (May 21-23).  They were in town for the Spring 2010 National Conference.   I made it a point to take time out of my school work to spend time with them.  I had too.  It was a great reunion with some awesome ladies.  I also got to meet people from all over the country and even a member from Moscow, Russia.

It was a wonderful weekend, we partied, we held our own little meetings almost everyday and we laughed and cried.  It was beautiful.  Absolutely what I needed.

What that weekend also did for me was remind me why I chose to live in this city and state.  They reminded how beautiful and peaceful it is here.  They helped me remember what made me choose this place when I moved so far away from them.  No worries, I’m still setting a long term goal of moving closer to family, I’m just not in as big of a hurry as I was a month or two ago.

I’ve been going through an anxiety attack for the last 15 minutes and I’m slowly finding my way out of it.  It’s the first one I’ve experienced to this level in quite some time and I don’t like it!  They always show up when I least expect it, that’s for sure.  I don’t even know what I’m so anxious about, but obviously there is something I need to look at.  Or it could just be “time” for me to have another!  I do know it’s getting within fidgety mode concerning the anniversary of Todd’s GA birthday and the anniversary of his death.

I have learned the very hard way to let myself feel exactly what I’m feeling and express myself accordingly with compassion and love.  I am missing him tremendously.  I close my eyes at night and I see his smiling face.  He’s been dead longer than I actually had him in my life and while on one hand it makes me feel a little weird, the other tells me it doesn’t matter how short a time I had him in my life, I had him.  Period.  He was absolutely, without a doubt, the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.  This is not to diminish the wonderful and beautiful friendships I have now, it’s just a fact.  On June 3rd, he would have had 9 years of recovery and on June 27th he will have been gone for 5 years.

While I don’t let my mourning or grief totally consume me like I did the first year after he died, I do find myself (on certain days), just remembering all the good times I had with him and our group of friends.  I miss his smile, his laugh, the belly bumps we would do when we did well bowling.  I miss people watching and picking out the gay guys from the straight guys at the mall with him.  There.  I put it out there.  I miss Todd.  I miss my Will Truman.  I know that he is still with me in my heart and he walks with me everywhere I go, but I miss his physical presence.  And ya know what?  It’s okay for me to feel this way.  My grief journey is a life long thing that I have learned to integrate into my life and move forward with.  I don’t let it freeze me up (for the most part), but I sure do not stop myself from feeling it.

Until next time…

3 Responses to “Taking ownership and possibly reversing my opinion”

  • Miss Britt says:

    It makes perfect sense that you miss him. xo

  • Jade says:

    I love the way you miss him, you own it, and you move with it, not hampered down because you buried it and find yourself stuck in the muck. You are inspirational to me.

  • Sodapop says:

    Miss Britt – thank you 🙂 xoxo

    Jade – awww I actually love how I miss him too. It was such a huge transition for me to make, finding this “peace” in his death. Some days are better than others and I never go one single day without thinking of him or speaking his name. xoxo <3 you!