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Archive for June, 2010

Here’s to my 12 hour day!

I think I’m quite insane and I’m okay with that.  The Southeastern Association of Fire Chiefs is having it’s annual conference here in our fair city.  I’ve volunteered to work some of it.  Yesterday, I worked 11am to 4:30pm at the convention center, working the transportation and registration desk.  Took me about half an hour to find a ride to the office to get my car.  Today, I’m working my regular shift (8am to 4pm) and then volunteering 4pm to 8pm.

I’ll be at the transportation desk until 4pm and then the hospitality room after that until 8pm.  OY!  I’m taking a change of shoes and some extra deodorant and perfume with me cause I’m sure by the end of the 8 hours in the transportation area, I’ll be ready to refresh myself!  I’m also working tomorrow night 7 or 8pm until 11:30pm.  I need to find out for sure today what time they need me tomorrow.  It all gets me outta the apartment and away from being a couch potato!

It’s been great people watching so far and I’m sure today will be no different!  I’m also sure today will be much busier than yesterday was.  Today is the actual first day of the convention and so we’ll have more people rolling in with registrations and what not.  So far, the people I’ve worked with and met down there have been really nice.

This detailed assignment also takes me away from the office and away from payroll stuff today.  I’m not crying over that.  Trust me!  Anytime I can get outta payroll stuff, I jump at the chance!

Hope ya’ll have a great day!

Until next time…

Finding the new me…with some old me mixed in

Over the course of the last three years, I’ve had some major, major changes come through my life.  Some have been good and some have been bad.  In the last nine years, I’ve never shied away from change of any kind.  Most of the pain I’ve gone through (self inflicted or not) have led me to this moment, this spot and who I am in it.  Growing pains are necessary to continue growing and evolving.  I am comfortable in my own skin and have been for quite some time, even when I struggle with depression or whatever other issue is going on in my life.

I’ve come out on the other side of so many funks, I’m glad I have the help I do when it comes to that and I’m thankful for my medications that keep me centered and moving forward.  I’m grateful for my GA friends and family, here and in Vegas and I’m grateful for my mom and brother who have always encouraged me to do what’s right and what I believe in.

After Todd died, I sunk into a deep depression and a huge part of me died.  I’ll never get that part of me back and I’m okay with that.  I learned to work around it, work with it and incorporate this new part of me into who I am and what I believe in.  Todd was such a light in my life.  He was a beacon of love and acceptance.  He was hope and love and faith all rolled into one lovable guy.

Over the last five years, I’ve slowly started being able to talk about him without crying.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days I talk about him or think about him and burst into tears.  They are getting more few and far between though.  I love how I miss him.  I love how I mourn him.  I will always mourn him.  My grief journey with his death will be everlasting and all I had to do was accept that.

I’m on medication for anti anxiety and depression, have been since he passed.  For a short period of time, during the latest funk I was in, I would “forget” to take my meds.  Boy howdy, what a difference that makes!  Not something I allow myself to do anymore.

I’m slowly finding who I was and what I enjoyed doing and not just in the last three years.  I’m digging deeper.  I’m digging to places I haven’t looked at since before Todd died.  When I lived in Vegas, I used to go dancing all the time.  Almost every weekend, my friends and I would go out to dinner, a movie and then dancing afterward.  I had not done that in a very long time and then some Vegas friends came into town and we went to 4th Street Live.  We danced, we hung out, we laughed and I started to remember.  I started to remember how much I just enjoyed moving to the music, how much I enjoyed listening to the loud thumping of the bass near the speakers.   Peace.

It took me about a month since the Vegas peeps left, but I finally went out dancing again, as I mentioned in my last post.  We went to a place called Jim Porter’s here in town and I can not tell you how much fun I had.  The loud music filled me up and I could just feel it taking over my body.  I danced like I had not danced in so very long.  I remembered more.  I remembered how it felt to let the music take over.  I remembered how much I loved dancing.  Serenity.

I love hanging out with my friends at parties and little get together like parties, but for me?  Moving to the music is the way to make me happiest.  I totally lose myself on the dance floor, at the same time as remembering myself on the dance floor.   I danced so much this past Saturday I could barely walk Sunday and Monday.  My legs hurt, my back hurt and I felt alive.  Peace.

I remember times at The Beach and several other dance clubs in Vegas.  While I know since getting older and having a few more health problems will keep me from doing it as often as I used too, my friend S and I are already planning another weekend night to go out dancing.

I don’t know that I will have as many close friends as I did in Vegas, or even if I want that, but I do know the few friends I do have here have been life saving for me.  Co-Worker has been a huge part of me remaining centered or getting back to that center when I’ve veered off course.

There are so many pieces and parts of me that I have not let be seen in years, I decided I’m done with that.  I like who I am today.  I like where I’m going, what I’m doing and what I believe in.  I’ve struggled, I’ve fallen down, I’ve scraped my knees and my elbows.  I’ve gotten back up and I’ve moved forward.  I’ve been depressed and anxious and self destructive.  I’ve recognized it, I’ve dealt with it and I’m going to continue doing that as long as I need.  Serenity.

When I look at the new me in the mirror, I see bits and pieces of the old me.  When I look in the mirror and see who I am, I like it.  I’m not ashamed anymore.  I’m not afraid to stand up and say that I am indeed, a compulsive gambler, a recovering compulsive gambler.   With all of my faults and imperfections, I am relieved to say that I am remembering what I loved (dancing) and I am planning on doing it more often.

Until next time…

I am perfectly imperfect in all of my imperfections.

After I finished my psychology homework, I started watching a Tyler Perry movie, which I’ve seen several times – The Family that Preys.  I would have to say it is one of my favorite Tyler Perry movies.  It’s gripping, emotional, funny at times and Kathy Bates rawks it!  And once again, I was in tears at the end.  I’ve seen it several times, like I said, and each time I tear up near the end and into the ending.  If you haven’t seen it and you are ever in a tear jerker kind of flick, I’d suggest watching it.  But remember, my tastes are kinda off from everyone else’s so ya might not like it.

Had a very long day at work.  Even though payroll went well and we finished pretty quickly, it was just a long, stressful day.  I did not get a lunch break at all, so I came home starving.  Once I was home, I opened up the laptop and got to work on my psychology paper.  It was a little tedious emotionally, but I finished it and turned it more than 24 hours before it was due!  wOOt!

In light of the drama from yesterday, I’ve decided to delete my Twitter account.  It’s gone.  I created a new one and there are 18 people who are following me on there.  I’m leaving it at that.  I’m following 24 people and the most followers I will have are the 24 I’m following.  Or at least, 23 of them because I follow the Dalai Lama and I don’t see him following me back, ya know?  lol

I even started thinking about deleting this blog and then thought…ya know what?  Fuck that.  Fuck them.  Nope.  Not going to happen.  This is MY safe haven.  I refuse to let you take it from me.  I have no idea who you are or what I did to you for you to be so hateful towards me, but know this….karma is a bitch.  It will come around and bit you in your hateful ass.  There were 20-25 people I gave this URL too.  So that leaves a small list of suspects to either have a) written those comments or b) given out this URL to someone else and read them my Twitter feed.

But really, who would do that?  And why?

And on that note?  I am going to go play with my new iPhone Blackberry.

Until next time…

Well hey there!

Long time no see, blog readers and friends of mine!  I’ve been very absent from this blog.  I found after the little drama with some coworkers finding it, that I just kinda lost my “umph” to blog, ya know?

I really don’t know what got into me, but I’m trying to get back here to be random and thoughtful and angst ridden again.  But really?  I’m not so angst ridden anymore.  Yes, I still have tons of problems with my finances, my job is currently going very smoothly and I’m fighting this sinus infection from hell.  There’s just no “angst” in there for me to feel or want to hang on too.

I’ve been reading some quotes over on Brainy Quote and I just love this site!  There are tons of Buddha, Dalai Lama and Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes to be had.  I think one of  my favorites by Dr. King is “In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends”  There is no real reason this one sticks out for me, there is no dramalama I’m feeling towards anyone, I just love the quote.  Imagine that!  Liking something just because!  Who knew.

I was going to do some homework yesterday, but ended up sleeping most of the day.  This sinus infection has been kicking my ass and I’m trying to take care of it with OTC stuff instead of going to my doctor.  My Netti Pot and I are becoming better friends than we already were.  I have a paper I need to write for psychology and then I need to start on two other papers for government.  I thought the government papers were due Tuesday, however, they are not due until the following Tuesday so that gives me a bit of a reprieve with that!  wOOt!

Until next time…

Where do we go from here?

Every now and then, I sit and think about who I used to be, who I am now and who I want to be in the future.  Am I coming along on my chosen path of self discovery and making each goal I set?  Am I backtracking?  Am I moving forward too fast?

I can sit and answer these questions with honesty and openness today and say that I am happier today right now then I have been in almost a year.  I am more comfortable in my own skin again and I’m having fun.  FUN.  Who knew I could actually do that while working two jobs and being a full time college student?

Work has been going well.  I don’t want to jinx it and get into details, but I’m going to say I feel more comfortable at work than I have in awhile.  School is going halfway decent, even though I’m struggling in my government class (and thankfully I’m not the only one, so I’ve created a study group with some of the other girls in class).

My love life is the most confusing and probably the one thing that could be a setback in my path I’m on.  Since the discovery of my blog a few weeks ago, I’m not even going to go into details here and just say that there are three men confusing the shit outta me right now (actually only two of them confuse me cause there are emotions involved and we know how I get when that happens.)  But the situations with those two are pretty cut and dried for me because of their relationship status and the third is just well…a fling to try to keep my mind off the other two.

I canceled my trip to Milwaukee this month.  I was going to go there on the 18th through the 20th for the M4 gathering of bloggers.  I might go see my family instead on that weekend.  I have a personal day I need to burn, so I could just do that.  I’ll have to get an oil change on the Jetta before that happens though cause I wouldn’t want to get stuck somewhere between here and there, ya know?

Until next time…