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Archive for August, 2010

How you doin?

Here is a quick bullet list style post to update everyone on the crap going on:

  • My stalker is back.  Did I talk about Stalker Boy here?  If not – suffice to say when I went out a few weeks ago and exchanged numbers, I gained a stalker.  He would not leave me alone for days.  I told him to stop contacting me, he freaked out and cussed at me then begged for another chance.  I ignored both texts.  One week of silence and then exactly 7 days after his previous begging style text, I got one tonight that said “hey” and that was it.  Ignored as well.
  • A major crush (pun intended) at work has offered to call him tomorrow and get rid of him for me.  I <3 him!
  • There was a rape in my apartment complex.  Needless to say, I am on edge.  I am anxious and emotionally unstable at the moment.
  • Someone shot the kitchen window at work.  A firehouse.  Someone actually shot at a firehouse.  One of our captains was standing at the window.  Thankfully, he did not get hurt.
  • Someone told me they were going to bring me some mace today, so I would feel a little safer.  He flaked and I didn’t see or hear from him at all.  Thanks for helping me out there buddy.
  • The reason this is an issue is because it’s a pattern he’s developed in telling me he will do stuff for me and then never ever following through on it.  Lacks integrity and makes him look like a douche.

And there you have it!  An update in the soap opera that is my life every now and then!  I would like things to calm down now, anytime someone wants to cut me some slack, I will be quite happy with it!  I’m ready to just be moving forward in my journey of life and continue to grow.

Although, there can be no growth without pain, right?  Growing pains!  Guess this is just something I need to wade through.

Until next time…

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Catching up!

I’ve had so much going on inside of me lately, I sometimes don’t know which way is up!  I’ve been super busy with work, and doing my walking after work.   I’ve been a horrible college student the last 10 days and I really need to kick myself in the ass to get jumpstarted again!  I don’t know what is going on inside of me with that, but I’m losing the “umph” for this school thing.  I think it might be that for the last year, I have constantly been in school.  I have ten weeks of study and then one week off in between the sets of two classes I take.  And sometimes that one week in between doesn’t feel like a whole week – for whatever reason.

Even when I go to Vegas in October, I’m going to have to be doing homework a few nights a week while I’m there.  It totally harshes my mellow, but I’ll do what I need to do.

I walked by myself last night.  First time since we started this.  I hated it, but I did it anyway.  I’m going to start going whether they go or not.  They actually walked at lunch yesterday because they had something to do after work, so I ventured over to UofL by myself.  Yuck.  I kicked ass though and I did more walking than I do when they are around, so I’m thinking it will be a good thing for me to go by myself every now and then.

Until next time…

The core of who I am

A few months ago, I suddenly felt unsafe in coming to this blog and expressing myself.  I felt judged and I felt hate coming from some of the people who live in my computer.  I felt vulnerable and if anyone knows me, I *hate* feeling vulnerable.  I hate it so much, I sometimes block myself off from people so that I won’t feel it.  At all.  I build a wall up and I make it so high and so thick, not many people can break it down or are willing to even try.  I block my thoughts, emotions and opinions down so deep, when I finally take part of the wall down, it’s like a gusher spewing forth.

The core of who I am is that I am honest, I am compassionate and I am courageous.  I will never lie about what I’m going through – self inflicted or not.  I will never beat around the bush on this blog.  I express myself and I tell you exactly what I think.  I take from my personal experience, I learn from it and I express myself.  At least, I used too.  I stopped doing that for awhile.  I’m done with that.  I’m back.

This is not only my safe haven, but this is my way of writing down the things that I go through and think so that I can go back later and see how far I’ve come.  I’ve come a long way, a very long way.  I grew up in a single parent household where my mother taught me the integrity, honesty and compassion I would need to trudge forth in my life as an adult.  She gave me her wisdom and her ideas and her love.   She also gave me her respect.  She respected me enough to know that whatever I go through, I will end up landing on my two feet stronger and smarter than ever.  My mother and my brother have always been the two biggest supporters I’ve had in my life.

I grew up the child of an alcoholic.  I grew up without a proper father figure.  I’ve learned and grown from this information.  Yes, I let it sometimes lead me down the unhealthy path, but I always find my way back.  I always end up learning something from that unhealthy choice I made six months or nine months or five years ago (whatever the case may be).  I am a compulsive gambler.  I started gambling illegally at the age of 16 when I was in high school.  I would go to the Sundance Casino (now Fitzgerald’s) and gamble until security carded me and I’d pretend I left my ID in my car.  I wouldn’t go back for weeks.

I sought treatment for my problems and the therapist referred me to gambler’s anonymous.  In 1998.  It took me 3 more years and a family member to get me into the rooms and to consistently go to meetings.  I learned about who I am and what makes me tick.  I learned how to accept myself, even with my defects of character and not beat myself up over them.  I learned how to accept people for who they were and love them despite their defects of character.  I’ve learned courage and serenity and wisdom.  I’ve learned how to live on my own and enjoy it, for the most part.  I’ve learned who I am, what I stand for, and what I believe in.  I stand in my own truth.  I am not perfect.  I’ve never claimed to be.

When Todd died, I sought treatment for anxiety and depression.  I still seek help for these two things.  I don’t know if it was his death that just brought it all up and forward or if I’m just still stuck in a rut sometimes.  But I get help when I need it – it just may take me awhile to finally get off my ass and do it.  Thankfully, because of the GA program, my Higher Power, and some of my friends, I know when I need a little extra push to get off my ass.

I’m not happy all of the time.  I don’t know anyone who is.  I do know that though, for today?  I am happy as I can be.  Could I be happier?  Hell yes.  I could be living within an hour or two of my family.  I could be sitting in my mother’s living room or my brother’s house with my nephews fighting over who is going to sit next to me.  Those things would make me happier.

The core of who I am has not changed.  I still have the same sense of humor.  I still have the same amount of compassion for people in my life; past and present.  I still believe in myself and have learned to give myself room to grow and room to make mistakes.

I am 100% accepting of the fact I am who I am.  I am comfortable in my own skin, I am still honest, I am still compassionate, I am still a woman of integrity – even though I do make some bad choices.  I have learned how to forgive myself, which in turn, makes it a little easier to forgive others.  I have learned it’s okay to make mistakes.  I have learned it’s okay that I still miss Todd with every breath I take.  I’ve learned it’s okay to miss friends I no longer talk to.  I have grieved, cried and sobbed over some lost friendships.  And I’m okay with that.  I’ve made new friends and I’ve learned to be me again.  The core of me.

The core of me and my personality has remained the same, yet changed and grown and evolved.  I’ve gone through so many different evolutions, I’ve been worried about losing who I really am.  Through the grace of God, I have not lost the core of who I am.

If I had one wish for everyone reading this?  I wish you love, happiness and I wish you the fortitude to never lose the core of who you are.  No matter what.

Thanks for letting me share my inner most thoughts with you and for allowing me to let my vulnerable side show.

Until next time…

Goodbye to this crappy Monday that ended well!

I was all optimistic about payroll this morning.  I got outta bed with a bounce in my step (I know…I don’t know what was wrong with me either) and got ready in record time to start my day at the ass crack of dawn.  I got to see part of the sunrise and the sky was purple.  PURPLE!  It was beautiful.

And then I started on the payroll.  Ugly.  Disgusting.  The first half went pretty quickly where we key in the information.  The second half went by excruciatingly slow due to the system not making the retirees correct and then any of our keying errors.  The system was all funky at first so we didn’t get the edit portion until about an hour later than we normally do.  We started on that at 11:00 a.m. and we finally finished the FIRST edit at 1:00pm.  I was told to go to lunch, so I did and my boss finally finished the second portion of the edit at 2pm.  Holy crappy payroll!

After work, I pulled my big girl panties up and went walking again with The Taskmaster and His Cohort.  They are brutal!  They also rawk my socks, so know that I’m calling them those things tongue in cheek.  They are really wanting to help me get into shape and they are very patient with my lazy ass.  However, The Taskmaster rides my ass harder than he does His Cohort.  Probably because of our history that The Cohort doesn’t know about.  Which is fine.  It’s history and we are actually turning into really good friends.  Which I’m digging because he is becoming my “go to” person like Todd was.  I can tell him anything and not be fearful of judgment or condemnation.  Just like Todd.  Only difference?  This go to person is not gay, which used to be dangerous but not so much anymore.

We went to UofL and their walking track there.  There is a “short” track and a longer one.  I take the short route and they sprint on the long track.  Actually, they do not sprint, it just appears that way to my super outta shape, lazy ass.  I did three laps and a little bit more so I could find a shady spot to sit and wait til they were done.  I did not feel pukey, shakey or dizzy when I was done.  I actually felt energized and wonderful!  It was beautiful!

I got home, took a quick cool shower to get the sweaty off of me (it’s just gross!) and then I sat down to watch True Blood from last night.  I do believe my favorite line was delivered by that wolf bitch Debbie when she said “they killed my Cooter.”  It was just pathetic and funny as hell!  After indulging in that, I hit the school work.  I busted my ass on a power point that I thought was due tomorrow night, however, it’s not due until a WEEK from tomorrow night.  YAY!  Busted my ass for nothing!  Actually, it’ll just be less work later, ya know?  It’s done and I now have an extra week to perfect it!

Once I was done with the power point, I listened to the seminar I missed last week and did a 4 page summary and emailed that to the professor.  All I have to do tomorrow night after work is check the four discussion board questions and respond to a few of my classmates.  I love it when that happens!

I am now getting ready to hit the sheets and sleep like a baby!

Until next time…

There are somethings I just should not do

There are just somethings this chick can not and should not do.  One of them would be walking about a mile in 100 degree weather with 70% humidity and 114 heat index.  Yes.  You read that correctly.

Even with the heat advisory the last two days, I’ve gone out walking with two of my co-workers.  The first day was already posted about on here.  The second (yesterday) was something I will never forget nor will I do a repeat of.

We hit the pavement from Engine 16/Truck 3 and walked about a block to this little courtyard area that was beautiful.  I really should have taken my camera to take pictures of the buildings/houses because they were incredible.

The court I walked on (not where they walked) was shaded in some spots, but over all not really.  I walked down one side of it, crossed the street and walked up the other.  I did this two full times and was on the third lap when I became sick.  I mean, really sick.

I puked.  In the grass on St. James Court in front of a beautiful home.  I was horrified.  I started crying immediatley and texted one of my coworkers and told him I was going back to my car if I could remember how to get there.  I had to keep walking to get there, and within two steps, I got sick again.  I then texted my other coworker and she panicked.  She called me to check on me and I told her I was done, I could not do anymore so I was heading back.  She asked me to wait for them and they would come get me, so I did.  As soon as I hung up with her, I puked again. 

I was dizzy, shaking and I did have to use my inhaler once while waiting for them.  When they got to where I was sitting and I stood up to walk with them to our cars, I almost fell over.  I almost passed out.  They were both so worried and asking me every two seconds if I was okay or would be alright.  My answer?  I do not know.  I feel crappy, horrible and disgusting.  And I cried the entire time we walked back to our cars.

We went into the office and I used the bathroom and sat on the couch in there for about 10 minutes to try to relax and calm down.  I splashed water on my face and arms and put a cold water bottle under my arm.  It helped a bit and I felt okay enough to drive home.

I got home, took a cool shower and then pretty much did not move from the desktop pc or the couch until I went to bed at 8:45 p.m.  They both called to check on me, but I only remember one of them calling.  I don’t remember C calling me cause she called me after I already went to bed.

It was horrible.  It still is horrible.  I feel like I got hit by a truck.  I’m a hurting woman today and exhaustion does not even cover what I’m feeling!  Needless to say, I’m not walking today.  We are beginning again next week and R has already said he is going to have us do it every other day.

I think once it cools down, I’ll be okay to do what I did yesterday and the day before.  For now, I’m going to be watching the heat index and humidity levels for the days we plan to walk.  If it’s too high, I won’t be going.  I refuse to kill myself trying to get back into shape.

I won’t give up and I won’t quit, but when it’s as hot as it was yesterday, it’s not going to happen.  Period. 

Until next time…

xoxo

This is how we do it….

I work with some crazy ass people.  Just so ya know!  Yesterday, one of my friends/co-workers came over to talk to me and she was in walking clothes, shoes, etc.  I asked her what she was doing and she said she was going to go walking with one of the Majors down in Central Park.  She said he’s going to help her get motivated to work out again and they were starting with this.  She asked if I wanted to join them for the next day (today) and I said sure!

Well then I found out the heat index was supposed to be in the triple digits and there is a heat advisory for both today and tomorrow.  Ugh.  Apparently, C and R were still going to go to University of Louisville and use their walking/running track they have.  I went anyway because R is a medically trained firefighter!  If I keeled over, who better to save me than my coworkers, right?  *facepalm*

I got home 40 minutes ago and the first thing I did was take a cold shower.  When I say cold…I mean COLD COLD COLD!  I am exhausted.  I felt kinda pukey on my way home from the heat.  However, I made it almost one mile; going around the shorter track twice fully.   They went around the “big” track four times (2 miles total) and then we headed back to the firehouse to get our cars and go our separate ways.  Our plan is to do this Monday through Thursday right after work.  I think it will really motivate me, having people to do this will.  I’ve had this elliptical in my living room forfreakingever and I’ve used it a handful of times.  I’ll get up there and get bored or distracted or whatever else.  This will get me motivated to walk with them and then on the days we don’t walk, maybe I’ll find the motivation to use the elliptical?  We’ll see, but I can say I’m really looking forward to getting up to the level they are currently at.

That’s my day and my new plan, man!

Hope ya’ll had a great day!

xoxo

Rebuilding a plan and path for myself…

As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I’m ready to leave Louisville.  It’s not that I don’t like the area, because I actually do like it a little more each day.  It’s that I am too far away from family.  I went from living in the same city as my mom, aunts and cousins for 37 years to not having one family member within an hours driving distance.  In order for me to see my family, I have to drive for 8-9 hours each way.  It’s worth it, but exhausting!

So here is a bit of my plan that I’ve been writing about and learning to focus on:

  • Finish my college education here in Louisville.  I don’t want to move in the middle of going for my degree cause that would just be distracting for me.
  • Get my finances in as much of an order as I can.  They are pretty much in order right now, but there are still some things I need to take care of and currently can’t (or won’t) get done.

Those are the top two things on my list.  I want to take care of these two things before I even think of moving anywhere else.  And really, the only place I would go is south towards my family.  Even if I could get within 4 hours of them, I’d be a happy girl.

Recently, my path has been clouded and muddied by what I let others conceive of me.  No one is wrong or right, it just is. I let people make me feel like I was less than.  Like I was not worth happiness and that I was not worth your friendship.  After my meeting on Friday night celebrating my nine years without a bet, I realized I’m done with that.  I AM worth happiness and I AM worth your friendship.

I almost didn’t go to the meeting.  Ya know why?  Because I felt I didn’t deserve the accolades.  I felt because I had not gone to a meeting regularly for so long, I shouldn’t get that recognition.  Fuck that and fuck the people who *I* let make me feel that way. (please note, *I* let them make me feel that way…they had that power over me because *I* gave it to them)  I’ve decided I’m not going to own that shit, that is not my cross to bear.  I did deserve that recognition, whether going to meetings or not.  I haven’t placed a bet for nine years.  NINE years, 3,285 days!  THAT is worth something.  If not to me, then to the other compulsive gamblers walking into those rooms.

I’ve committed myself to going to at least one meeting per week until I’ve gotten back into the groove of things.  It’ll be difficult since I’m always working on some form of school work during the week, but a Wednesday or a Friday night out of my routine will not kill me and if anything, it will make me deal with ya’ll much healthier.  (ya’ll used in general terms – no one particular person in mind)

How sad is it that I feel I have to put disclaimers out there for shit I’m talking about on here?  I find that hilarious in some ways and irritating in others.  But it is what it is and I refuse to let other people’s dramalama narcissistic lives take over mine anymore.

When I write these posts, I can guarantee you 100% it’s all about me.  It has nothing to do with you or you or that person 1000 miles away.  It has to do with what *I* am feeling and what *I* perceive as my truth.

I realized how bitter I was feeling on Friday night as well, so if you read anger or resentment in some of these words, it could just be my way of letting it go.  Since this once was my safe haven in expressing myself, I am going back to that.  I am going to use this place for what I started blogging originally; to express myself, to work through my shit and to let ya’ll know where I am in life.  I have no hidden intentions and I’m not going to let someone make me feel like I do.  I am standing in my own truth and I will defend that to my death.

If someone feels the need to use this blog (or the information herein) against me, that will be on them, not me and it will come back to bite their ass, not mine.  I come here to express myself with the sole purpose of helping myself.  Period.  I’m not here to piss anyone off or make you wonder who I’m talking about.

And currently, I’m not talking about anyone but me.  This blog is all about me, me, me, dontcha know.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

xoxo