Rebuilding a plan and path for myself…
As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I’m ready to leave Louisville. It’s not that I don’t like the area, because I actually do like it a little more each day. It’s that I am too far away from family. I went from living in the same city as my mom, aunts and cousins for 37 years to not having one family member within an hours driving distance. In order for me to see my family, I have to drive for 8-9 hours each way. It’s worth it, but exhausting!
So here is a bit of my plan that I’ve been writing about and learning to focus on:
- Finish my college education here in Louisville. I don’t want to move in the middle of going for my degree cause that would just be distracting for me.
- Get my finances in as much of an order as I can. They are pretty much in order right now, but there are still some things I need to take care of and currently can’t (or won’t) get done.
Those are the top two things on my list. I want to take care of these two things before I even think of moving anywhere else. And really, the only place I would go is south towards my family. Even if I could get within 4 hours of them, I’d be a happy girl.
Recently, my path has been clouded and muddied by what I let others conceive of me. No one is wrong or right, it just is. I let people make me feel like I was less than. Like I was not worth happiness and that I was not worth your friendship. After my meeting on Friday night celebrating my nine years without a bet, I realized I’m done with that. I AM worth happiness and I AM worth your friendship.
I almost didn’t go to the meeting. Ya know why? Because I felt I didn’t deserve the accolades. I felt because I had not gone to a meeting regularly for so long, I shouldn’t get that recognition. Fuck that and fuck the people who *I* let make me feel that way. (please note, *I* let them make me feel that way…they had that power over me because *I* gave it to them) I’ve decided I’m not going to own that shit, that is not my cross to bear. I did deserve that recognition, whether going to meetings or not. I haven’t placed a bet for nine years. NINE years, 3,285 days! THAT is worth something. If not to me, then to the other compulsive gamblers walking into those rooms.
I’ve committed myself to going to at least one meeting per week until I’ve gotten back into the groove of things. It’ll be difficult since I’m always working on some form of school work during the week, but a Wednesday or a Friday night out of my routine will not kill me and if anything, it will make me deal with ya’ll much healthier. (ya’ll used in general terms – no one particular person in mind)
How sad is it that I feel I have to put disclaimers out there for shit I’m talking about on here? I find that hilarious in some ways and irritating in others. But it is what it is and I refuse to let other people’s dramalama narcissistic lives take over mine anymore.
When I write these posts, I can guarantee you 100% it’s all about me. It has nothing to do with you or you or that person 1000 miles away. It has to do with what *I* am feeling and what *I* perceive as my truth.
I realized how bitter I was feeling on Friday night as well, so if you read anger or resentment in some of these words, it could just be my way of letting it go. Since this once was my safe haven in expressing myself, I am going back to that. I am going to use this place for what I started blogging originally; to express myself, to work through my shit and to let ya’ll know where I am in life. I have no hidden intentions and I’m not going to let someone make me feel like I do. I am standing in my own truth and I will defend that to my death.
If someone feels the need to use this blog (or the information herein) against me, that will be on them, not me and it will come back to bite their ass, not mine. I come here to express myself with the sole purpose of helping myself. Period. I’m not here to piss anyone off or make you wonder who I’m talking about.
And currently, I’m not talking about anyone but me. This blog is all about me, me, me, dontcha know.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
xoxo
Bravo.
I wish I could be this brave. I have so much to say and I feel like if I say it where everyone knows to look, it will hurt me or other people I love in some way. I mean, my 18 year old daughter reads my blog, so…I wish I were more anonymous sometimes. You know, like you couldn’t google me and shit.
Avitable: thanks
Shelli: I used to think like you do. But not for very long. I used to ALWAYS express myself here and it didn’t matter to me who read it. My mom reads my blog regularly and my brother is the one I get my hosting and domain stuff from. He also rawks the designs when I feel like a change
I lost that free expression of myself over a year ago because I withdrew into myself and I started losing my grip on it. However, now that I have it back, I’m going to be posting from the heart again – without fear of repercussions because really? This is my place to come and express what I’m feeling. If someone wants to hold it against me or use the information against me, it will come back to bite them in the ass. You reap what you sow. What comes around goes around.
If you ever need a place to vent, I’ll lend you The Soda Stand for a post or two
You totally rock! You totally deserved to celebrate that landmark! AWESOME YOU! It’s hard to shake off what ‘others’ think sometimes. But it seems like you are kicking ass! Love your plan too, mainly because it’s very realistic. And doable.