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The core of who I am

A few months ago, I suddenly felt unsafe in coming to this blog and expressing myself.  I felt judged and I felt hate coming from some of the people who live in my computer.  I felt vulnerable and if anyone knows me, I *hate* feeling vulnerable.  I hate it so much, I sometimes block myself off from people so that I won’t feel it.  At all.  I build a wall up and I make it so high and so thick, not many people can break it down or are willing to even try.  I block my thoughts, emotions and opinions down so deep, when I finally take part of the wall down, it’s like a gusher spewing forth.

The core of who I am is that I am honest, I am compassionate and I am courageous.  I will never lie about what I’m going through – self inflicted or not.  I will never beat around the bush on this blog.  I express myself and I tell you exactly what I think.  I take from my personal experience, I learn from it and I express myself.  At least, I used too.  I stopped doing that for awhile.  I’m done with that.  I’m back.

This is not only my safe haven, but this is my way of writing down the things that I go through and think so that I can go back later and see how far I’ve come.  I’ve come a long way, a very long way.  I grew up in a single parent household where my mother taught me the integrity, honesty and compassion I would need to trudge forth in my life as an adult.  She gave me her wisdom and her ideas and her love.   She also gave me her respect.  She respected me enough to know that whatever I go through, I will end up landing on my two feet stronger and smarter than ever.  My mother and my brother have always been the two biggest supporters I’ve had in my life.

I grew up the child of an alcoholic.  I grew up without a proper father figure.  I’ve learned and grown from this information.  Yes, I let it sometimes lead me down the unhealthy path, but I always find my way back.  I always end up learning something from that unhealthy choice I made six months or nine months or five years ago (whatever the case may be).  I am a compulsive gambler.  I started gambling illegally at the age of 16 when I was in high school.  I would go to the Sundance Casino (now Fitzgerald’s) and gamble until security carded me and I’d pretend I left my ID in my car.  I wouldn’t go back for weeks.

I sought treatment for my problems and the therapist referred me to gambler’s anonymous.  In 1998.  It took me 3 more years and a family member to get me into the rooms and to consistently go to meetings.  I learned about who I am and what makes me tick.  I learned how to accept myself, even with my defects of character and not beat myself up over them.  I learned how to accept people for who they were and love them despite their defects of character.  I’ve learned courage and serenity and wisdom.  I’ve learned how to live on my own and enjoy it, for the most part.  I’ve learned who I am, what I stand for, and what I believe in.  I stand in my own truth.  I am not perfect.  I’ve never claimed to be.

When Todd died, I sought treatment for anxiety and depression.  I still seek help for these two things.  I don’t know if it was his death that just brought it all up and forward or if I’m just still stuck in a rut sometimes.  But I get help when I need it – it just may take me awhile to finally get off my ass and do it.  Thankfully, because of the GA program, my Higher Power, and some of my friends, I know when I need a little extra push to get off my ass.

I’m not happy all of the time.  I don’t know anyone who is.  I do know that though, for today?  I am happy as I can be.  Could I be happier?  Hell yes.  I could be living within an hour or two of my family.  I could be sitting in my mother’s living room or my brother’s house with my nephews fighting over who is going to sit next to me.  Those things would make me happier.

The core of who I am has not changed.  I still have the same sense of humor.  I still have the same amount of compassion for people in my life; past and present.  I still believe in myself and have learned to give myself room to grow and room to make mistakes.

I am 100% accepting of the fact I am who I am.  I am comfortable in my own skin, I am still honest, I am still compassionate, I am still a woman of integrity – even though I do make some bad choices.  I have learned how to forgive myself, which in turn, makes it a little easier to forgive others.  I have learned it’s okay to make mistakes.  I have learned it’s okay that I still miss Todd with every breath I take.  I’ve learned it’s okay to miss friends I no longer talk to.  I have grieved, cried and sobbed over some lost friendships.  And I’m okay with that.  I’ve made new friends and I’ve learned to be me again.  The core of me.

The core of me and my personality has remained the same, yet changed and grown and evolved.  I’ve gone through so many different evolutions, I’ve been worried about losing who I really am.  Through the grace of God, I have not lost the core of who I am.

If I had one wish for everyone reading this?  I wish you love, happiness and I wish you the fortitude to never lose the core of who you are.  No matter what.

Thanks for letting me share my inner most thoughts with you and for allowing me to let my vulnerable side show.

Until next time…

10 Responses to “The core of who I am”

  • Tracy says:

    Amazingly insightful post Miss Kathy!! Thank you for opening up again and sharing! You are so brave and honest! <3 you.

  • Sodapop says:

    Tracy – thanks, sweety :) <3 you too!

  • Avitable says:

    Thank you for being willing to share your innermost thoughts. It’s hard to do sometimes.

  • metalmom says:

    Have I told you that I fuckin’ love your guts? <3

  • Poe says:

    I’ve missed you. And I think my blog will resurrect because I need a place to put stuff down right now.

  • Sodapop says:

    Avitable, :) thanks for reading it! And yes it is, but it always helps me when I do it!

    metalmom, you have not told me in those exact terms before…no. But I fuckin’ love your guts too! <3

    Poe, awww thank you! I’ve missed you too! The blog might help you deal with some of the emotions you’re feeling and some of the pain, confusion, etc. It could help to put it out there and get insight from others who have been where you are. Or even just a little post like yours…”I’ve missed you” or “I love you.” Or something along those lines. xoxo

  • Shelli says:

    You have come a long way in self-discovery and healing. I’m proud of you.

    (Do you mind if I ask who Todd was? I somehow missed this.)

  • Sodapop says:

    Shelli – thank you, sugar! <3

    Todd is my best friend who passed away in June of 2005. We were kinda like Will and Grace (or Jack and Karen when we felt silly). He had a massive heart attack at the age of 39. :( My platonic soul mate

  • Hilly says:

    Here’s the thing is took me the last six months to figure out…someone somewhere is always going to have something judgmental to say about what I write. Always. The thing is that I just don’t care anymore. We have to live our lives for us whether online or off. I live by my standards, you live by yours, he lives by his and her by hers and blah blah blah.

    I’m glad you are here sharing and keeping it real. Always.

  • bubblewench says:

    So glad you wrote this. What honesty, integrity and truth. Great post.