So much grief and sadness…
I’ve been reading all these Twitters and Facebook posts about friends losing friends. Best friends, old friends, new friends, just friends. It breaks my heart for them. My heart aches and I just want to wrap them in my arms and tell them what they are feeling is okay. What they are feeling is absolutely, 100% allowed. I want to tell them all that love transcends death and to continue loving their friend. I want to tell them that I get it. I get it.
It all brings up my memories of when I found out about Todd and how I felt in the first week. I was pretty numb the first few days after I found out he was gone. I knew that he was gone, I just didn’t WANT to deal with the pain.
It brings me back to that moment when my friend SC had to life me off the ground because I had collapsed while listening to Todd’s dad explain to me what had happened. Every single one of my friends who lost someone this past week is going through similar emotions.
Guilt. Could I have known? Should I have known? Could I have done something? I should have tried harder to get a hold of him that day.
Pain. OMG! The pain. This can’t be real. I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart and the stomach. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to blink. I can’t wrap my brain around this. My head hurts. OMG, someone make it stop. Make the pain go away.
Anger. Are you fucking kidding me? What did he ever do to deserve this? What did WE do to deserve this? OMG I want to punch someone. I want to slap someone silly until they hurt as badly as I do. Those doctors from six months ago were idiots! Why didn’t they see this coming? Or did they? Goddamnit! I am so angry I could just spit nails. He wasn’t supposed to leave!!!
Sadness/depression. My platonic soul mate is gone. Will to my Grace. Jack to my Karen. My best friend. The best friend I’ve had in a very long time has come and done in a blink of an eye. Don’t want to get up. Don’t want to eat. Don’t want to go to work. Don’t want to deal with the stares.
Acceptance/remorse. It’s so hard to believe he’s gone. I still can’t breathe. It hurts. It hurts to open my eyes. Thank God for my GA meetings. Thank God for PEAP who set me up with a great grief counselor. Half of my heart is gone. I need to learn how to live with that.
Miscellaneous. One step at a time. One breath at a time. One minute at a time. One day at a time. Holy crap, I have to go to California in August (2 months after he died) for a GA event? Seriously? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be reminded that we were going to go together. Holy crap, the national convention is in October in San Diego. I need to cancel his portion of the plane tickets. Oh God, please don’t make me do this. I don’t want to cancel his portion! I’m so not going to that convention. How did I let these people talk me into going to the convention? The seat on the plane next to me is empty. Empty. Todd should be there. This is going to be a horrible weekend. Not looking forward to it.
Made it through the convention. Had a pretty good time, considering my emotional state. Someone actually told me I should be over it by now. Are you fucking kidding me? It’s only been four months. I’m going to be feeling this forever! Let me remember him the way I want to remember him. Let me mourn and grieve the way *I* feel is right for me.
These were just a few of the thoughts and emotions I went through 5 years ago when Todd passed away.
I am sending all of my love, prayers and positive thoughts to my friends who have lost someone this past week. My heart aches for your pain. Do not let anyone tell you that what you are feeling is not “normal” because it’s all normal. For you. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and walk through them. Lean on people you can trust.
Until next time…
I wish I had seen this a few days ago.. but I’m glad I see it now. I appreciate you sharing your experience. You have been a great rock to me this past week.