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Why do I do the things I do?

My walking buddy, CS, and I sometimes chat while we walk.  While she doesn’t get breathless, I do.  Sometimes we chatter on and on about things that bug us.  Things at work, things at home, things with men, just things.  We talk about our friends outside of work and our friends outside of Louisville.  We talk about pretty much everything.  I don’t know how she does it, but she will talk talk talk without losing her breath.  Even on stairs!  Ahh to the have the lungs of a non-smoker!

One of my many goals with this walking/working out thing will be to quite smoking, but I really don’t feel ready to do that yet.  I’m sure I will cause I can feel myself leaning that way anyway.  I’m thinking about it more and more.  I love the way I’m feeling and from what I’ve been told, I’m looking good too.   I still can’t “see” a difference.  I am still fitting into the same size clothes I was wearing before we started walking.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and, of course, some self-beat up time about things I’ve chosen to do in my life in the last few years.  One of the biggest things I’ve beat myself up over is my love life.  I’ve made some pretty poor choices in my life and even at 41 years old, I make some of the same mistakes.  The only difference between now and when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s is that I’m more aware of it and it turns into a conscience choice I make to walk down that road (if/when I choose that poor choice).

Some days are better than others on the whole beating myself up thing.  I feel how I feel, there is no way around that.  As my beautiful friend Lisa used to say “it is what it is.”  I just have to find a way through the emotions and move forward.

Currently, I am enjoying my single status and I’m keeping my emotions in check for the most part.  There are days here and there that I let my emotions take over and I get a little stupid or I let my brain fall outta my head and I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with who I am and how I live my life.  I’m human and I’m going to make mistakes.  I’m going to make those poor choices and bad decisions.  I’m going to do stupid things every now and then.  It is what it is.

I can choose to either beat myself up over and over to the point of major depression coming back into my life, or I can stand up and say “hey, that probably wasn’t the wisest of choices for me to make” and move forward with that knowledge.  I choose to strive towards making good choices for myself, and for the most part, I do now.

And now my weekend is starting and I have a buttload of homework to do before flying to Vegas on Tuesday.  I want to get it all done before I leave so I don’t have to boot up the laptop the first day I’m out there!

Until next time…

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