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Archive for November, 2010

So much going on inside this head of mine…

I have so much going on this head of mine,  I don’t know where to start!  Due to my own actions and mistakes, I’m facing some horribly painful decisions about school, a second job (yet again) and several other financial things in my life.  I can’t even blame this one on my over spending problem.  Which, in reality, I’d much rather be dealing with!

However, I continue doing the right thing.  I continue taking those steps forward that need to be taken.  I am taking responsibility for this.  It sucks.  It’s painful, humiliating and mortifying.  But ya know what?  I’m done beating myself up over it and being ashamed.  As Lisa would say, it is what it is.  I’ve also come to the conclusion I wasn’t the first and I won’t be the last to make that mistake, so why am I being so hard on myself?

It is what it is.

What a simple, yet meaningful, statement.  No one would choose to deal with the crap we all have to deal with.  I didn’t choose to deal with what I’m dealing with, but I am dealing with it.  I’m not hiding from it.  I’m not running.  Although, honestly, I do sometimes feel like running and hiding.  But I know it would find me eventually.  Shit like that always does, right?

I will somehow get through all this shit and be a better and stronger person.  I’ve already made quite a few internal changes since this happened and I’m continuing to evolve and grow from it.

Can’t ask for much more than that.

Until next time…

I would like a do over now

I just should not have gotten outta bed today!  Period, end of story.  This has been an emotionally c.r.a.p.p.y. day. 

Had more crap added to my plate last night and I am blinded by fear.  I keep reaching out though and I keep taking that tentative first step towards a better tomorrow. 

I’ve heard rumors that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  I’m taking this at face value and He must think I am one strong lady because the more that is heaped on my plate, the more I feel like buckling under the weight of it all.  However, with this in mind, if He didn’t think I could handle it, He wouldn’t give me all this stuff.  Right?  Theoretically speaking of course.

Today was not only emotionally horrific, but really a waste of make up.  I think the tears washed the make up off within two hours of being awake.  Really a waste! 

To put it bluntly, I received a bill that freaked me out.  I claimed it on my insurance and that is now in process and not knowing exactly what is going to happen is driving me batshit crazy.  Apparently, fear of the unknown is a great way to get my control freak to come out.  Seriously. 

Patience is not and never has been one of my strong points.  Sitting and waiting is driving me insane in the membrane.  I try to keep smiling, even if it’s fake.  I try to keep moving forward, even though I just want to sit and cry.  I try to think positive, even when most of the stuff I’m dealing with is negative.  I try to grasp onto the logic in my brain that tells me it’s going to be okay and I’m doing the right things, so just keep on doing them.  Logically, this too shall pass.  Emotionally?  I can’t even begin to express what I’m feeling.

We still don’t know about my car.  We know what PART of the problem is (in cabin air filter needs replacing) but the other part?  Yeah we don’t know about that yet.  He may have to remove the entire dashboard of my Jetta to get to it to figure it out.  Nice.   It’s my only mode of transportation and I’m at a loss as to what to do, I also have about $0 to go towards whatever is wrong with the car right now.  I’m trying not to freak out too much about it until we know for sure that’s what he will have to do with it.  Until then, just yet another waiting game in this thing called my life.

Until next time…

2500 posts….

So uhhh yeah.  This is my 2500th post.  Amazing how chatty of a person I am when we get right down to it.

My weekend was a 50/50 type of thing.  50% made of awesome-sauce and 50% stressful and horribad.  On Saturday, I got up early and met a friend at the office so that we could go tailgate for the UofL football game that started at noon.  Once the game was over, we went over to Indiana to one of the malls there and then off to see Unstoppable with Denzel Washington and Chris Pine.  GREAT movie!  One of my favorite movies and I would definitely see it again.  Adrenaline rush throughout the whole two hours!  I finally got home around 9:30 or 10:00 p.m.  Very long 12.5 hour day, but it was good times and I really enjoyed hanging out with my walking partner and her family.

Sunday?  Ahhh yes.  Sunday was not fun emotionally.  I suddenly became focused on all of my financial woes and couldn’t see a way out.  Now, I’ve struggled with my finances for years.  YEARS.  And I’ve bitched about it and I’ve fussed about it.  But I’ve always tried to make sure I’m moving forward and not letting the fear of it stop me in my tracks.  This latest shit?  Stopped me in my tracks and I freaked out.  I freaked out and I had no hope of fixing it.  Logically, there is always hope.  I keep hope in my back pocket.  I’ve got some expenses coming up that just don’t fit into my budget and I’m scrambling to find ways to fit them in.  It’s all good though.  I know that if I keep doing the right thing, cutting down on my unneeded expenses and making sure things are covered, it will improve.  Sunday was just a bad day in a weekend of good stuff.  I lost focus for a few hours and while I’m still stressing today, it’s not as blinding or immobilizing as it was yesterday.

We have a three day work week this week.  Everyone is all excited about it and I just can’t muster that.  I don’t get to see my mom and brother and SIL and nephews at the end of those three work days and so it does nothing for me.   I’m getting my car looked at after work today to find out exactly what is wrong with it (one of the expenses I noted above) and find out how much it will cost me to fix.  Cross your fingers and send lotsa prayers that it’s not something so major that it’s useless to get it fixed. 

I’m hoping to have it fixed by the week of Christmas because I’ve already talked to one of my supervisors here and I’m going to go down to Georgia for Christmas.  I’d have to drive back the day after Christmas though, since the Monday following is payroll.  It’s okay.  If I get my direct supervisor to approve it and my car is running better and all fixed, I’ll leave here 12/23 (Thursday) around noon or 1pm and then be there for Christmas Eve and Day and then come back 12/26 for payroll the next day.  Cross your fingers for me that I get the car taken care of by then!

Half of my attorney fees from my accident have come out of my bank account already, so there’s another expense I had not planned on but could not avoid.  It gave me heartburn but I’m grateful I’m standing up and taking the right steps to get this taken care of.  Dealing with consequences of poor decisions sucks ass, people, but it’s the adult thing to do and so I do it. 

December will be the first month where I don’t have the $40 cable fee on my rent statement.  This makes me incredibly happy, I must say.  Although they put it on my December statement, I’ll be removing that $40 when I write the check.  I haven’t had cable with Insight for almost a month now and I’m certainly not going to pay for a month of it when I don’t have it. 

I’m considering finding a second job again, just to help things temporarily through the holiday season and into January until all my shit is taken care of.   Although I don’t relish the thought of having two jobs and being a fulltime college student.  Actually, it makes me want to hurl and cry and hide my head in the sand until all this shit will go away.  But again, I just keep doing the right thing no matter how much hurts and sucks ass.

I hope ya’ll had a great weekend and thanks for letting me vent.  <3 you guys.

Until next time…

Why can’t stress burn calories?

Sometimes I wish calories were burned just by the stress I feel throughout the day.  And then I realize if that were to happen, I’d be a stick figure some weeks cause of the stress I feel.

I’m feeling better physically, except when I do stupid things like push myself up from the bathtub and forget that my sternum is still tender and what not.  OUCH!  I was in tears for an hour after that one. 

I’m feeling okay mentally and emotionally, although I still have my moments of beating myself up and/or feeling sorry for myself.  Some days are easier than others and that’s okay.  This is going to take me some time to get through and I need to be patient with myself, ya know?

I go throughout each day, trying to make myself remember to breathe and to ensure I’m doing the next right thing.  There are some points through the day where I just want to throw my hands up in the air and proclaim surrender.  Maybe it’s what I need to do metaphorically anyway?

My actions got me to where I’m at today and since I’ve always taken accountability for those actions (good or bad), I’m just going to have to trudge through this.

I keep praying and I keep talking to my friends about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. 

Hope everyone has a great day!

Until next time…

I knew it would come to an end one day….

I’ve been making so many changes in my life lately, I sometimes don’t know which way is up.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and move along my day.

I’ve been doing really well with my budgeting stuff and making sure I’m not over spending (which, if you’ve been reading here for awhile, you’ll remember is an issue for me).  I’ve really nailed down some of my triggers for overspending and am learning how to deal with those instead of going out and getting a little “retail” therapy.  While I do believe retail therapy is a MUST in some circumstances, I don’t think I need it every single time it gets triggered.

I’m still struggling in Macroeconomics (knew I would!), but I’m still trying.  I’m waiting to see how I did on the midterm to discern how the rest of the term is going to go.  If there’s no hope of me bringing the grade up by the end of the term, I might consider dropping it and retaking it next term.  We’ll see.  I’m hoping to avoid that.

Things are going very well at work right now.  We’re all getting along and I’m quite pleased with that, because really?  It makes it miserable to come to a place every day when we’re not getting along.

I’m sure you’re wondering what that post title has to do with this post?  Yet one more evolution of Sodapop has ended and a new one began.  It seems that everytime I get into a comfort zone of some kind, something happens and jolts me out of my funk. 

When that happens, I find myself in a new “normal” and going down a different path than I originally thought I’d be on.  I’m okay with this.  Since Todd died in 2005, I’ve gotten kinda used to these evolutions and changes I feel within me.  I just take it in stride and keep moving forward towards improvement.

On a side note, I’ve noticed I am feeling much better from my accident.  Although sometimes my sternum is really hurting and sore and I want to cry when I move, it’s getting better.  There is no swelling, no more bruising and I only sometimes feel like I broke my boobs.  *ahem*  The wound on my neck/chest from the seatbelt is pretty much gone, the wound on my left knee is still there and I’m thinking the cut was deeper than I thought.  Progress, people, progress! 

So much crap on my plate right now and half of it wasn’t even put there by me!  It’s okay though.  I’m strong, I’m thinking logically and less emotionally.  I can take it!

Have a happy Friday!

Until next time…

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Who I am

I’ve been battling some anger issues the last few days.  A RL friend of mine is under attack (figuratively) and it makes me angry.  It also makes me sad because of who is doing the attacking.  All I can do is pray for all parties involved and just sit back, watch and be there for my friend.  Even though my protective instinct is rearing it’s head and I just want to lash out at the people hurting my friend, I will keep my  mouth shut for now and not make contact.

  • I am a sinner who has already been forgiven, so I don’t need your approval.
  • I am a woman who is not ashamed of who she is or what she stands for.
  • I am honest, compassionate and loyal to my friends.
  • I have not once considered breaking a confidence of a friend.  Unless it’s illegal and hurts someone.  Then I’d consider it.
  • I am full of love and happiness for where my life is heading.
  • I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
  • I am strong, courageous and learning patience.
  • I am sometimes fearful of situations in my life and I face them anyway.
  • I am slowly getting my life back into a routine since returning from my vacation.
  • I am currently cursing the aches and pains that come with the car accident.

I’m sure there is much more I could say about myself, but I need to go to work now.  I’ve been in a pretty good space lately with who I am and what I stand for.

Until next time…

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Should be sleeping….

I should be sleeping.  Seminar just finished for tonight’s class, but for some reason, I felt compelled to come here and whine a little bit.  Send me some cheese, k?

I have gone in between feeling good and feeling crappy all day long.  It seems the soreness from my accident gets worse at night.  My bruises are turning a nice shade of yellowish green, unless you count the little one that showed up under my left eye today…that one is a nice shade of pinkish purple.  My chest hurst from one side to the next, mostly over my right breast area.  My back hurts a bit and I think it could be because I’ve been trying to carry myself gingerly so as not to hurt the chest, ya know?

I’ve been in and outta tears all day long.  Along with my physical pain, I’m having emotional ones too.  I talk about it.  I discuss it, I let myself feel it.  It’s the only way I know how to deal with this shit.  It’s the first car accident I’ve ever been in when I was trying a car.  It’s the ONLY car accident I’ve been in as an adult. 

My co-workers mother passed away suddenly yesterday.  It was a freak thing and totally unexpected and my heart aches for her and her family.  I’ll be going to the funeral home tomorrow after work. 

This is where I’d rather be:

Sitting on the balcony of the Holiday Inn at the Bay in San Diego, watching the cruise ships come and go, smelling the fresh ocean air and hearing the sounds that come with being near the ocean.

Until next time…

The best part of my vacation…

The best part of my vacation, besides getting to see old friends and some family, was most likely this:

This was the view from our hotel room in San Diego, CA.  We were on the 11th floor of the Holiday Inn by the Bay.  It was beautiful and majestic.  When I need to imagine I’m in my “happy” place, this is the view I see when I close my eyes.

We arrived Saturday afternoon and were there until Monday morning sometime.  The balcony provided me a place to take tons of photos (91 total) and a place to do my morning prayers and meditation before getting the day started.

Just on a side note, some of the swelling is going down on some of my injuries, which I’m grateful for.  I’m sure I’ll eventually do a post about the actual car accident.  It was the first of my life when I was the person driving.  It was traumatizing really.  I’m blessed to be be here typing this and still breathing.

Until next time…