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Archive for December, 2010

Year end stuff…

I don’t know when I’ll feel like blogging again, or when I’ll have the chance either, so here is what I learned over the course of 2010.

This is my year in review (in bullet format) and not in any kind of order, just as they come across my mind.

  • I learned a very hard lesson about some things in my life.
  • I spent 22 hours humiliated, horrified and resolving to not make that mistake again.
  • I learned I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.
  • I lost friendships, found friendships, lost forgiveness and found forgiveness.
  • I had my heart trampled on because I let him.
  • I learned to heal in a time of pain when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry (or suck my thumb).
  • I started walking in July so I could start getting fit and feel better.  I went from barely being able to walk a mile without dying to walking 3.2 miles and running stairs to now doing Crossfit five days a week.  I feel funkified when I miss a day.
  • I went from pushing size 14 again and having no energy to speak of to being able to fit into my size 10 jeans again and having so much energy I don’t know what to do with myself!
  • My doctor removed me from all of my medications except my cholesterol medicine until I can get that under control.  And ya know what?  I haven’t noticed a difference and I’m no longer constantly fighting off anxiety or depression.
  • I made the Dean’s List for my July term in school.  This was a total shock to me, because I really didn’t think my grades were all that great, but apparently, they were!
  • I’ve completed all of my required courses for my Associates of Applied Sciences Degree and have nothing but electives left until graduation in the late summer of 2011 or early Fall.
  • I’ve learned what I will tolerate and what I will not tolerate from friends and lovers.
  • I spent the best weekend of my life with my best friend, in San Diego, CA, walking along the bay and going to a Chargers game.
  • I learned that while I like getting validation for things I accomplish and “brag” about, there comes a point where I feel overwhelmed and want it to stop.
  • I learned it’s okay to be single, I just don’t really enjoy it all that often, but I deal with it and move forward.
  • I learned I can depend on a small handful of people at work to be my support system when I need to vent.
  • I learned someone I considered a “player” is really quite compassionate and has become a great friend.
  • I also learned someone else whom I considered a great friend was really just a player and out just for himself.
  • Even though the cardio kills me with Crossfit, I do as much as I can before feeling like I’m going to cry or puke (sometimes both) and so I stop and not push myself over that edge if I can help it.  Although I DID almost have an asthma attack today, which had me shaky, pukey, AND in tears.  Thank God none of the firefighters were down there with us today to see my meltdown.  lol
  • My hairdresser that I consider a good friend, is awesome and wonderful and I love that she “gets” me, blemishes and all.
  • I love that you keep coming back to read my words, even when I am venting and emotional.  Even when I’m bragging on myself and feeling pretty confident.
  • I love that you encourage me with your comments and your concern and your love.
  • I’m kinda happy with how 2010 went, even when I had my down moments and my bad times – the last half of this year has really made up for the first half.

Happy New Year, everyone.  May your new year bring you joy, happiness, love, compassion and a spirit of grace.

Until next time…

What a day!

First, let me say I’ve been thinking about the police officers in Philadelphia that were shot today.  I’m grateful their protective gear saved their lives and neither were injured to the point of needing more than paramedic medical attention.  Next, my heart is breaking for my extended IAFF (International Association of Fire Fighters) family in Chicago.  Two were killed and 14 injured when the ceiling and wall collapsed on them in an abandoned building on the south side of Chicago.  They suspect squatters started the fire accidentally since there had been reports of the homeless people in the area using the abandoned warehouse and burning debris to keep warm.

It makes me very sad when these things happen, as it does  a lot of people I’m sure.  I posted a couple things on Facebook about it and I realized as I was doing that, the last 19 years of my life have been centered on public safety.  Police and Fire.  I take it very personal when people dog the police and I take it very personal when people dog fire fighters.  It burns my ass, actually.  I tend to bite my tongue and take it with a grain of salt because the people usually saying it have not spent almost two decades doing what I do, being surrounded by the people and the things I’m surrounded with.  I try to view it from their point of view and sometimes, they are right.  There are bad cops and there are lazy firefighters.  But it doesn’t make up the whole of one department.  Ever.

I think back to February 2, 2006 when my high school classmate and fellow LVMPD employee was shot in cold blood as he responded to a domestic violence case.  I think of my friend MP who was standing right behind his Sergeant when he was shot in the head with a modified AK-47.  I think back to the motorcycle officer who was shot and killed in front of McDonald’s on the Strip in the 80’s, as he was conducting a routine traffic stop.  I think of our three firefighters who are still off work, with one of them still being hospitalized from 2nd degree burns on several areas of his body.  I think of all the injury reports I process, daily.  I think of the extensive training I witness daily as the firefighters try to stay in shape so that they can drag/lift/carry people out of burning buildings when others are running away in fear.

It may sound trite or even simple to a lot of people, but when it comes right down to it, these men and women work hard, they risk their lives for peanuts compared to what some people get paid.  They never know if they are going home to their spouse, family, kids, etc.  It’s a complete unknown every third day for the people I currently work with.  On 24 hours, off 48 hours.  Every third day, they kiss their families goodbye and pray they get to see them again the next morning.

I read how city councils are considering laying off firefighters (Cincinnati to be specific) and it makes me sad.  Not only are those people losing their jobs and their security, the city is losing some of its public safety team that keep every single citizen up there safe.  I’ve read they are considering letting more than 100 firefighters go come January.  That would be a quarter of our firefighters here.  I don’t know exactly how many Cincy has, but I’m thinking it will be close too or a little more than here.

It breaks my heart when I read about my hometown police force losing several members within a one year time span.  It breaks my heart reading the comments by people who blame the cops that lost their lives.

So much going on in this world and I am so very grateful to have a job that is secure (thanks to a no layoff clause), friends and family to remind me that I am loved and I am blessed.  I am going to treat my firefighter coworkers just a little bit better tomorrow.  I may even give one or two of them a hug, just to say thank you for doing what I would never have the bravery or courage to do.  Thank you for protecting me and mine while sacrificing yourself and yours.

Until next time…

I don’t really enjoy roller coasters…

Life is such a roller coaster sometimes, it amazes me, confuses me and ends up making me more determined to NOT let shit get to me.

This last week was very good for me.  I’ve reached some goals that I put on paper, I’ve started well on my way to accomplish several more of my goals, and things are good.  And then I took my car into the shop to be looked at. 

My car has been giving me trouble for quite some time and I kept asking someone at work for help (he actually offered first.)  He kept putting me off and procrastinating in finding someone to look at my car.  He finally did step up and found me one of our mechanics at work to look at it and at least tell me what was wrong with it.  Mechanic looked at it before Thanksgiving and told me he’d have to wait until after the holidays to be able to get into it and figure things out.  He told me he would call me after Thanksgiving and we would go from there.  He felt the problem was in the air compressor area of the car that deals with circulation of heat/air and what not.  He also said he may have to remove the entire dash to get to the spot that it was at.

So I didn’t do anything else with my car.  I waited.  And I waited.  The one person told me that the Mechanic would give me a call “tomorrow.”  He told me this last Monday.  Tuesday came and went and I heard nothing.  I got tired of waiting, so I made an appointment with a shop close to my apartment to take it in this morning.   I took it in and dropped it off so they could do what they need to do on it.

A few hours later, the shop called and let me know that they definitely have to remove the dash to figure out what is causing the noise.  They won’t know 100% what is wrong with it until they remove the dash.  The labor intensive process can take about 8 hours total labor, in between working on other cars (cause it’s so difficult to remove the dash properly).  The removal of the dash to figure out what is wrong with it is going to cost quite a chunk of change, that I do not have.  Thankfully, there seems to be one person in my life I can ALWAYS count on and she never lets me down.  (Thanks, mom!)  I also called around to a few VW places here and they seem to want to charge me double what this place is, so I called the shop and had them start the work. 

So I freaked out.  I lost my shit in the middle of my apartment.  I sobbed, I texted some friends and then I slept.  What I really wanted to do was run stairs, walk three miles or do a Crossfit workout.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep at 1:30 in the afternoon and I did not wake up until almost 5pm.  When I woke up, I felt 10x better.  I felt better about the car situation and I felt no more fear when it comes to this situation.

I was told I was impatient and should have called the Mechanic.  I told them I was patient, for six fucking months while they flaked and never followed through for me in getting it fixed.  I was told the Mechanic wanted me to call him.  I told them that is NOT what the Mechanic told me.  Right or wrong, I got it in my head that he just didn’t have time to help me so he ignored it and never got back to me and that he just didn’t want to tell me he didn’t want to do it.  Considering it’s been over a month since he originally looked at it and told me he would call me after the holidays, I figured he just didn’t want to do it.  So instead of waiting some more and letting my car situation get worse, I took it to a reliable source of automotive repair and am going to be paying through my nose to get it fixed.  But at least it will be done and I might get to go to Georgia for New Year’s.

I’m hoping to get the car back before Christmas so I’m not stuck here at my apartment for the entire weekend and don’t have to figure out a way to work on payroll Monday (which is the Monday after Christmas).  I’m feeling a lot of cabin fever not having the Jetta sitting out in the parking lot right now.  Suddenly, all I want to do is get in the thing and drive around!  Go figure!  I did, however, find out that I aced the Criminal Justice final with 100%, did the Week 10 stuff and am pretty much done with school now until January 5th. (wewt!!!)

I told my friend from work, that while I own the portion of this that is my responsibility (procrastinating to begin with, not nagging them to help like they said they would, etc.), I would really like to take the bill for this car thing outta this guy’s ass for even saying he would help me and then flaking on me.  However, the only thing that matters is that it’s being taken care of now – no matter how expensive it is.

Now I’m going to go listen to iTunes and play World of Warcraft until I get sleepy again.

Until next time…

Just a few of my goals…

When I started walking in August of this year with two of my co-workers, I did it for several reasons and I didn’t really set any goals for my walking. 

After about two weeks of nearly killing myself to keep up with at least HALF of what they were doing, I decided to start setting small, obtainable goals.  I knew exactly how much I weighed at the time and decided while losing weight would be a great thing, I was not going to focus on those numbers. 

My goals were:

  • Improve my lung function above and beyond my allergy induced asthma.
  • Get into better shape and get fit.
  • Start doing more than walking or running stairs to get fit
  • Lose maybe 20 pounds.
  • Stop smoking by the end of the year.
  • Be able to touch my toes without having to bend my knees (silly, but still a goal for this 41 year old!)

So far, the goals I have reached are pleasing me greatly.  I’ve gotten into better shape, I’m more fit than I have been in years, my lung function is 10x (or more) better, I touched my toes yesterday.  Without bending at the knees to do so.  Did you read that?  I touched my toes!  I’ve also lost quite a few inches and pounds.  I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost, but I’ve lost a lot if you ask the people I work with.  I don’t have a scale at home, so I have no way of really gauging this. 

I’m smoking less and less everyday.  I used to be smoking a pack a day, sometimes more depending on my mood.  Now?  I’m smoking a pack every two days and rarely go over there.  I am beginning to dislike my smoking quite a bit.  It could be that since I’ve been doing Crossfit (which is very cardio intensive) my lungs HATE HATE HATE the smoke and I still do it out of habit and addiction.  So I am naturally progressing towards the quitting thing.

Just to clarify, here are the goals I’ve reached:

  • I started doing more than walking and running stairs.  I’ve started doing Crossfit.
  • I’ve lost quite a bit of weight and inches.
  • I’m more fit than I have been in years and feel better than I have in years (this could also be enhanced by the fact I don’t drink anymore)
  • I touched my toes without having to bend my knees to do it! (I think this is my favorite of them all!)

Not to shabby.  Now I need to set little goals for my financial problems, like I did for this and work it the same way I did getting into shape. 

Life is currently good, I have no complaints for today.  Karma and I are getting along good today, so I’m hoping to keep it that way.

Until next time…

Holy crazy day!

What an insane Monday this has been.  Work was incredibly busy, crazy and worrisome.  I processed seven injuries today that occurred over the weekend, three of them being from a house fire yesterday.  One of our firefighters is still in the burn unit.  He is expected to make a full recovery, without needing skin grafts, but the burns were pretty bad (2nd degree).  He’s getting scrubbed with a bristle brush every day – possibly more than once.  Besides having to make sure the State was notified within 24 hours of the injury, I had to do some foot work yesterday and then report all details today.  It was crazy.  I had to do all that in between doing the keying for payroll and the edits that we go through.

My workouts are getting easier.  Which means, The Trainer will most likely throw something at me tomorrow that will fuck me up again like when I first started.  We’ll see!  I told him “I hated you for about 24 hours” and his response, “I get that all the time.  It’ll become more manageable and you’ll feel better.  I promise.”  So obviously, I am not the only one who struggles with Crossfit!  Good to know, I suppose.

I went out dancing with my friend SM Saturday night, after spending an awesome time with Miss Laci in the afternoon, catching up, exchanging Christmas gifts and generally relaxing.  I got to sample of her coffees she has for her Keurig and let me just say, I’d like to add the Keurig to my Christmas list.  Holy coffee heaven, Batman!

I am feeling so much better physically, it’s amazing.  I’ve noticed the better I feel physically, the better I feel mentally, and vice versa.  I don’t know why it works that way.

Sitting down to hammer out my Criminal Justice final and get most of my Macroeconomics final done.  I would have done them yesterday, but I had such a headache most of the day I did nothing but ice my head and sleep off and on all day.  It sucked ass!  Unfortunately the headache was shocked outta my system when I found out three of our guys were hurt.  It was horrible news!  I’m just glad all three will be okay and heal up completely.

Until next time…

It’s not winter yet…

Not technically anyway, right?  Winter doesn’t really start for another two weeks.  Yet, it feels like it’s deep winter in the northern most parts of this country.  Hello 11 degrees when I woke up this morning!  While we are supposed to have a down right heat wave this afternoon (37 degrees), I find myself really looking forward to the warmer temps!

Things have been going well over here, I just haven’t blogged about it.  I’m taking care of shit that needs to be taken care of.  I don’t have to drop out of school as of right now and I can continue my education.  This makes me happier than you’ll ever know.

My love life (nothing serious) is heating up and going places (maybe I should just call it my sex life and not love life, since it’s not all that serious?)  I’m getting into shape and working out every day.   My Co-Worker C and I started working out with the guys downstairs.  P2 is leading the workout regime and we are just following along with what he leaves for us for the two days he’s off and we are here.  Currently, I’d really like to lay down in a corner and whimper.  Since today is going to only be day 3 of the workouts, I’m trying to not give up due to the pain I’m in. 

I definitely expected some level of discomfort from these workouts, but seriously! I have barely been able to move for the last two days, as has C.  We’ve discussed it and if we aren’t feeling better by the end of next week (gives us two full weeks of this workout stuff with them), we will go back to our walking and runnings stairs.  Seriously.  Who needs this shit?  I can hardly sit down on the toilet it hurts so badly!  And stretching my arms above my head?  Forget about it.

I’ve stopped beating myself up for certain things in my life, which is a wonderful feeling.  I sometimes still get all teary eyed, but I think that is more from the trauma of the situation and not the consequences I am taking care of one step at a time.  One day at a time, one minute at a time.  I continue talking about it and I have started making jokes about myself in the situation, which makes KP very happy.  He told me the day I left Vegas that I need to find the humor in the situation and when I did that, I’d be on the road to emotional recovery.

While I would make little jokes here and there, I’ve finally gotten to a point where I know what he means.  I know exactly what he meant when he said that to me.  And I’m grateful I got there.

Hope you’re all staying warm and having a wonderful holiday season.

Until next time…