The Soda Stand

Archive for February, 2011

As February draws to a close and I pound out some homework that I’ve been slacking on, I realize how quickly this year really has been going.  Amazing how time flies!

Just a quick update for what’s going on in my life:

• Still worried about my friend and her son back in Arizona.  Wishing I could be there to help out. Instead, sending all my love and prayers that way.
• I went 32 days without smoking and then lit em up again *sigh*
• Thankfully, I didn’t pick up where I left off (17 cigarettes a day) and kept it below 8 or 9 a day.
• I smoked for 6 days and I’m back on the patch today – back at day 1.
• I’m not all that upset that I slipped and I’m not all that unhappy with the fact I decided to quit again so quickly.
• It is what it is and I’m not going to beat myself up over it.  Just gotta pick myself up by the bootstraps and start again!
• Dropped a nice chunk of change at the dentist yesterday for the crowns I’m getting.
• I have a temp crown now and my smile is back to normal (along with my vanity and self confidence)
• Taking a hard look at my workouts and where I want to go with them.  Apparently, Crossfit pretty much pushes you to “time” yourself during each workout.  I have yet to time any of my workouts – except once when we did a minute of each exercise.
• I don’t get the concept of timing them.  They say it’s to track your progress.  Which is fine, I suppose, but I track my progress in how my clothes fit, how I feel and how I look.  My progress has been awesome, I think.
• Asking MLB.com/tv for a refund.  I forgot to cancel my subscription last year, so it was an automatic renewal.  I can’t afford to “eat” that $127 for the season just to watch on a computer.  I got the YES Network so I wouldn’t need the subscription for MLB.com/tv.
• Still fighting some sinus funk.  I’ve been fighting this for three weeks now and it’s irritating.  I’ve been on two rounds of antibiotics to get rid of the actual infection, but my nose is still clogged up most of the time and my throat still hurts throughout the day.  And yes, I use my Neti Pot daily.
• Today started pretty early and I’ve gotten quite a bit of homework done.  Taking a break right now, to clean up some stuff and wash my linens.  I’ll get back to it.
• I may be going shopping sometime today for an outfit for the awards & retirement banquet next week for work.  I have nothing I could wear, so a friend and I may hit the mall or other stores this afternoon.
• After my shopping (if I go) it’ll be time for more homework and maybe a movie tonight.
• Hope you all have a great weekend!

Until next time…

My one wish for today would be that we could all see ourselves for one minute (60 seconds) the way others see us.  When we beat ourselves up for some behavior or action we feel is deviant or a “failure,” we fail to view ourselves in a positive light.

I went out today cause I was feeling very antsy and on edge.  I didn’t really know what was bothering me, but I sure missed smoking.  At some point, the emotions I was feeling turned directly into the fact that I thought “I miss smoking.  I miss the constant companionship.”  I went out to buy some Dr. Pepper and maybe stop at Qdoba for some of their nachos (cause they fucking rock).

I stopped at Speedway for the soda and while I was there, I bought a pack of cigarettes.  Yup.  You read that correctly.  I went on to Qdoba and got my three cheese nachos with chicken and headed home.  I ate my nachos and then stared at the pack of cigarettes for a good 20 minutes.  I opened it, I put that cigarette in my mouth and I lit it up like I had been smoking everyday.  And then…

I choked.  I gagged and I’m pretty sure I turned green around the gills.  It was disgusting.  I immediately put it out after the third or fourth drag and proceeded to puke for 20 minutes until it was dry heaving.  It was horrible.  Oh my gosh.

Needless to say, I now believe myself to be a true non-smoker.  After I was done getting sick and I washed my face – I posted on Twitter and Facebook and destroyed the remaining cigarettes in that pack.  It was horrible.

I proceeded (for about five minutes) to beat myself up, call myself a failure and every other nasty name I could think of to call myself.

And after chatting with a friend, I realized my one wish for today.  At first, the wish was just for me and that I would be able to view myself the way some of you do.  So I changed it up and made it not so all about me, because I know other people do it too.  I wished that we could all, at some point in any given day, see and view ourselves the way our supporters do.  We all have them.  Supporters.  Those people who will encourage and push us to be better people.

Today, I hope YOU find that one minute; that one 60 second period of time where you view yourself the way your support system does.

Until next time…

I used to love coming to this blog every day, sometimes every other day, to tell you what’s going on in my life.  Now?  It’s like a chore.  I think to myself “oh crap!  I forgot I have a blog!”

The more physically active I’ve become, the less I feel like blogging or sitting still for longer than necessary, really.  It drives me insane to be sitting still for longer than I absolutely have too (like with school or work stuff). 

I’ve been experiencing a lack of focus throughout this whole term for school, as well.  The lack of focus I feel could still very well be a part of my nonsmoking thing (which is going very well!)  So I’m just laying the hammer down and getting shit done.  I’ve emailed both professors, asking what I can do to bring up my grades.  I have missed a few assignments here and there – some I finished, I just never turned in (?) Cause that makes sense.

But I digress.  This blog.  I don’t know what direction I want to take it in.  I know that I want somewhere to express myself personally or whatever I feel like expressing myself.  I probably won’t actually get rid of this place, so much as just keep it going the same way I have.  Ignoring it for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. 

I have a dentist appointment for Tuesday morning.    I can NOT wait for this appointment.  For the first time ever, I’m actually looking forward to a dentist appointment.  Although, I’m NOT looking forward to the financial hardship this will most definitely cause.  I know it’s a total vanity thing.  Complete vanity repair is what is going to happen.  It has not effected my eating, my talking (although I feel like I’m talking like Sylvester the cat saying “sufferin succotash”), or my well being.  However, my ego sure has taken a huge lashing this week.  I work with some cruel, mean spirited people.  I have however, been able to laugh a bit at my situation – and there has been a handful of coworkers who keep telling me they don’t notice it until I laugh out loud or smile really big (two things I LOVE to do!)

Time to go run a mile and try not to kill myself doing my workout…

Until next time…

On January 30, 2006, I posted my first blog on The Soda Stand.  At that time, it was at a different URL.  It was short, sweet and to the point.  I have, however, realized that five years later, I didn’t really use this blog for all of the intentions I had when I started it.  I wanted to discuss important information and news of the day and how I related to it.  I ended up going to the complete personal end of the spectrum of blogging.

I made this blog all about me.  How I felt, what I believed and what I was doing at that moment in time.  Sometimes, I think I made it too personal.  Which is possible, but really not worth rehashing here or beating myself up over.  I became a different person when I got sucked into the blogging world.  I lost quite a bit of who I am and what I believed in; just so I could “fit in” with people.  This is not a good or a bad thing, folks.  It just is.  I am human, just like everyone else, and I will make mistakes.  But I’ve always remained true to myself and the core of my personality.  No matter what, I am the only one who has to look in my mirror and be accepting of what she sees.

And boy have I ever made some mistakes and I’ve posted them here for you to read.  I’ve been narcissistic, passive aggressive and selfish.  I’ve been committed, compassionate and giving.  I’ve been a facade of who I once was and I’ve been a facade of who I want to be.

Over the last five years, I’ve evolved into several different areas of my life and I must say, I am quite pleased with every single one of them.  I may look back and say “well I wouldn’t do THAT a second time.”  But not one thing in my past would I even begin to regret.  No matter how heinous or bad it was, it has made me who I am.  It has shaped me, it has molded me and I’ve become a person that I can look in the eye in the mirror and honestly say “I am so very proud of where you have your life heading and where you’ve come from.  I love you.”

I’ve discovered some wonderful friendships because of this blog.  Mr. Fab, Nobody, Fantastagirl.  My first three blogging “friends” that I met face to face in October of 2006.  Beautiful people.  I get to see two of them this weekend.  This pleases me more than you’ll ever know.  

I am still smoke free (after looking at the calendar, it’s been 27 days).  I no longer have those horrible, physical urges like I did.  I do, however, still have a behavioral urge when I see co-workers going down to smoke or I see someone on TV smoking.  It triggers, for a split second, that thought of “damn, I’d love a cigarette.”  And I probably would.  I would love that cigarette and I would enjoy that cigarette.  And then I’d be hooked again.  Not acceptable to me.  Since 1/15/2011 (my quit date) I have saved $88.36 from not buying cigarettes.  I get this figure from this great website!  All I had to do was plug in my quit date, how many cigarettes I smoked a day (17) and how much each pack of cigarettes cost ($3.85). 

I am currently (thanks to my tax return/refund from Uncle Sam) completely, 100% caught up on all my standard everyday bills (rent, car, utilities, phone, etc) for the first time since September.  I have always had problems with my finances, I’ve never hidden it either so I can’t really say I’m ashamed anymore.  I’m not ashamed of it.  There is HUGE room for improvement in this area of my life and while I work on it everyday, I cut back on things that are not necessary.  I find myself using coupons more and more and actually searching out deals and sales on items I use on a regular basis.  Being frugal is NOT easy after spending 40 years being not so frugal!  Progress, not perfection!  And the progress I’ve made and that I currently see is a good thing.

I work out 5 days a week.  I workout Monday through Friday and I take the weekends to rest up the body.  The workouts are intense and The Trainer has really helped me more than I could ever express.  I get a little fussy *ahem* at him with some of these workouts, but I still do them and I feel better for it.  He has been such a huge help to me in the last two months.  I’m grateful he’s there and I’m grateful I have a workout partner (not the trainer) that I can depend on and workout with!

I’m also grateful that I have a job in this current economy.  I may bitch about it now and then, but it’s a job and it helps pay my bills.  It also helps me get out of myself and think about helping others. 

Happy 5 year Blogiversary, The Soda Stand. 

Until next time…