The Soda Stand

Archive for March, 2011

I’ve run the gamut of emotions in the last two weeks.  I’ve gone from happy and joyous to scared and depressed.  Things are looking encouraging on one front of things going on with me, but I’m still refusing to get my hopes up.  My situation is frightening and uncertain about where the road will lead.  But I keep taking those steps, one right after another, and I know I’ll make it to the other side a stronger, better person for it.

I am still struggling with my smoking and I’m okay with it.  I’m not going to beat myself up over struggling to get through this portion of my life.  I have bigger fish to fry and I’m choosing my battles wisely (so to speak).  I’ve smoked for almost 30 years, so I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to quit smoking over night or that easily.

Work is going well and I’ve really enjoyed my job lately.  Learning new things always keeps me on my toes.  School started back up last Wednesday and I’m quite happy to report it’s my next to last term.  This term I’m taking Accounting and Socially Responsible Leadership.  Not the most exciting of classes, but it’ll give me a head start when I start my Bachelor’s program in the fall or winter.  I’ll get my Associate’s in August and then will try to take a month or two off before going back in for the higher degree.  We’ll see how I’m feeling in August.

My workouts are still challenging most days, but some days I don’t feel like he’s giving me stuff that is hard to do and this makes me feel wonky for some reason.  Since he’s still on vacation, I’ll talk to him when he gets back and ask him to “kick it up a notch” for me.  I’m probably going to regret that conversation the first time he does, but I’m really enjoying the results I’ve been getting and seeing, so I’ll try to go light on myself.  I lost 2 sizes from July to February and the size I’m currently in is starting to become baggy, so I know I’m quite close to hitting my goal size that I want to be in.  I have no idea how much weight I’ve lost since the last time I weighed myself and I’m okay with that.  I really don’t care about the pounds.  I’m more focused on the fitness and how my clothes are fitting from day to day.

I started working in the office of my apartments again.  I worked yesterday and will work again next weekend.  I don’t know how often I’ll be working there, but it will definitely help in the financial arena of what I need to take care of in the next few months.  I’m hoping I won’t need to get another job beyond that, but we’ll see with the bills that will be coming in.  Some days I don’t know how I’m going to juggle 2 jobs and school, but I gotta do what I gotta do to get shit taken care of, so I’ll buckle up and do it if need be.

I’m off to enjoy the rest of my weekend and thankful tomorrow is not payroll Monday.

Until next time…

Today is officially the first day of Spring.  This is such an awesome thing!  Although I’m not looking forward to the allergy stuff I’ll deal with during this season, I sure will enjoy the warmer temps!  Our weather here in the Ville is sometimes confused this time of year.  We’ll go from warm and sunny to cold and drizzly within an hour or so, it seems.  I’m sure it’s not that dramatic of a change, just feels like it every now and then!

I have a lot of things coming up in the next month that I will have to plan for, prepare myself emotionally, financially and physically for.  And ya know what?  I’m okay with that.  I’m going to walk through it with the help of God and my wonderful friends who stand beside me and sometimes hold me up when I can’t stand on my own.  One thing I know for sure, is I’m going to remain consistent.  I’m going to continue doing my daily workouts, continue going to my weekly meeting that I’ve been going too and generally remembering to breathe.  Those are the most important things for me right now.  My routine.  My every day/week things that I do.

I’m looking into getting this blog back onto Pay U 2 Blog and do sponsored posts.  It’s not much money, but if I can get it back on their rotation I’ll be grateful for any extra income that comes my way.

I’ve never been a great steward of my money and I’ve never lied about it nor have I hidden it.  I do really well for a month or two and then I do badly for a month or two and the cycle has been that way for years.  I struggle emotionally because of what I do to myself financially.  One day (hopefully within the next month as I retrain my brain) I will get it to where I do well more than 50% of the time and I continue moving in that direction.  Progress, not perfection.

I went a little crazy with the sweet foods this weekend, so I’ll be getting back out of that habit.  I’ve also been smoking again, which makes me VERY unhappy.  The guilt I felt the day the trainer caught me seems to have become a distant memory.  I’ve set more quit dates than I can count on one hand.  However, I’m going to keep trying and keep moving forward with my efforts there.  I WANT to be a nonsmoker, so I’ll make sure I get there.

Enjoy your first day of the Spring season.  I know I will!

Until next time…

Before I start this post and my rant about what’s going on in my little world, I need to say that my heart is in Arizona with my friend Jade and her family.  Yesterday was the viewing for her 11 year old daughter who was tragically killed in a car accident.  Today is the funeral and all I want to do is be there with her and stand next to her.  Instead, I send my love and my prayers and know that I am there in spirit.

The post title seems to be my life currently when it comes to my smoking.  The Sunday I “slipped” seemed to set off an emotional roller coaster of two weeks of smoking off and on, pretty consistently and daily.  While I kept the amount I smoked fairly low, I was still smoking.  I would not smoke from 10pm one night until about 6pm the next.  While at work, it was so much easier to avoid the smoking thing (it also helped me avoid the glares and dirty looks from the guys downstairs).

Friday, I went into emotional over drive and bummed a cigarette from my Co-Worker.   It was the duty day of my trainer, so I was trying to be all sneaky and do it when I heard them go out on a call.  We went outside, smoked and then on our way back in you’ll never guess who was standing in the middle of the apparatus bay area?  Yup.  The Trainer.  He did a double take to confirm that he saw me walking in with my co workers.  I stopped in the middle of what he was doing, stared me down and said one word…”Really?”

I wish I could have taken a picture of his face.  It was priceless.  It also created a deep, all consuming guilt over my still smoking off and on.  I told him I would try to picture THAT look he gave me whenever I wanted a cigarette.

About four hours later, I was completely over the guilt thing and bummed another one.  This time, I took it so far as to walk all the way to the back stairs, so we wouldn’t walk through or near the bay area at all.  We walked out the back door (into an area by our parking lots) and BAM there that fucker was at his truck.  I don’t know if he saw me, but I saw him and the guilt became all consuming.  Again.

When I was done with my workout, he asked how I was breathing and I said “not bad.” And he then fussed at me for the smoking and gave me one of “those looks” again.  It was horrifying!  I have never, not once felt that much guilt for getting caught smoking.  Ever.  Even when my mom first found out I was smoking, I didn’t feel this amount of guilt.

After the workout, I got ready to go work the awards banquet and headed to the Hall of Fame at Slugger Field.  I walked in 3.5 inch heels the length of that room at least five times – my feet hate me.  Throughout the night, I went out twice for a smoke.  Each time?  The Trainer and the other guys were either driving by in the fire truck or walking out to the fire truck.  Each time, I felt an all consuming guilt about getting caught or being seen by The Trainer.  *sigh*  Did you see the pattern here?

From the first cigarette of the day, up to almost the last, I was consumed with guilt only because I kept running into him.  Holy noodles, people!  I was a mess by the time I got home.  I over analyze everything in my life and I pay attention to the signs when they are thrown my way.  Me running into him every single time I tried to smoke yesterday was definitely a sign for me.

I woke up this morning and put the patch on.  I have two left and need to get to Walmart to get another box of them.  I can’t take this nagging, horrible feeling in my gut when I want to smoke.

I’m of the opinion that if guilt is what it takes to get me to stay quit, so be it.  I just need to “not forget” those looks and the way he fussed at me in a week or so, ya know?

Until next time…