The Soda Stand

Archive for August, 2011

Having no money leaves my days wide open to read, clean, watch TV, listen to music, etc.  I’ve spent the day reading the 2nd book of the A Song of Ice and Fire series, A Clash of Kings.  I can’t wait for season two of this show on HBO in the spring.

I’ve washed every sheet and towel I own.  I washed every piece of clothing that was out in the open in my bedroom.   I’ve vacuumed, dusted and rearranged the bedroom furniture (majority of which was done last night before bed).

I’ve read a lot of GA and addiction literature, as well.  I found this one that I want to share with you.  There is no author listed, but I found it in GA.

I’m Your Disease

I hate meetings.

I hate a Higher Power.

I hate anyone who has a program.

To all who come in contact with me, I wish you suffering and I wish you death.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction.  CUNNING, BAFFLING and POWERFUL, that’s me.

I have killed millions and I am pleased with myself.

I love to catch you with the element of surprise.  I love pretending I am your friend and lover.  I have given you comfort, have I not?  Wasn’t I there when you were lonely?  When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me?  I was there.

I love to make you hurt.  I love to make you cry.  Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry.  When you can’t feel anything at all, this is true glory.

I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long term suffering.  I’ve been there for you always.  When things were going right in your life, you invited me.  You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the ONLY ONE who would agree with you.  Together, we were able to DESTROY ALL THINGS GOOD in your life.

People don’t take me seriously.  They take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously.  Fools that they are, they don’t know that without my help, many of these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited.

YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE ME.  So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a Twelve Step Program.  Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power, all weaken me and I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lie here quietly.  You don’t see me, but I am growing bigger than ever.  When you only exist, I may live.  When you live, I only exist.  But I am here…and until we meet again, if we meet again, I WISH YOU SUFFERING AND DEATH.

How powerful that is.  My disease sits inside of me, waiting for me to have a weak moment.  Waiting for me to feel sorry for myself.  It sits and watches every move I make, every thought I have.  It looks for that loop hole that will cause me to go back into my addictive behavior.  I stopped drinking on July 16th, 2011.  I stopped gambling July 30, 2001.  I have the disease of addiction.  Not only am I an addict, but I am the adult child of an alcoholic – an active one.  I have no room for error when it comes to my recovery.

I need to stay diligent and aware of my own behavior and actions.  I cannot become complacent with my recovery again.  Ever.

It’s only through the Grace of God I am here today.  It is only through the gifts I’m given that I live and survive.  I have problems, I have a lot of problems.  Some of my problems are of my own doing and consequences of actions I’ve taken before.  Some of them are not within my control and I had to adjust and adapt to those problems.  I may have a shit ton of problems that I have no idea how I’m going to fix, but I don’t have to gamble OR drink because of those problems.

Until next time…

I went to my physical therapy yesterday and was told by my therapist that my shoulder is healing amazingly well and things are progressing the way they should.  I’m now down to every other week appointments with her and we will soon go to every 3 weeks.  She said my last appointment with her (unless I need her after that) will be the first or second week of October.  It normally takes six months for this type of injury to heal and it’s moving along wonderfully.  Even though I had not gone into PT for the first two months of my injury, it was still healing itself without the extra push from PT exercises, massages and manipulation she gives it.

On another note, I read something from a friend on FB that got me to thinking of when I started working out and first injured my shoulder.   Even still today, I get this reaction.  My workouts kick my ass, literally, on some days.  Crossfit is no joke and even without being able to lift or use my shoulder all that well, my Trainer still gives me shit that kicks my butt.

The first few months of my workouts, some of my coworkers (specifically two of them) kept telling me I was working out like a man or “he’s giving you men’s workouts, that’s crazy!”  I heard that over and over again.  When I hurt my shoulder in April, they immediately blamed Crossfit and my workouts.  Imagine their surprise when they found out my injury was not workout related per my ortho surgeon and his evaluation, along with the therapist’s evaluation.  They actually told me that my doctor and my physical therapy didn’t know what they were talking about.  I guess if all I did was sit on my ass and drink bourbon, I would think ANY kind of workout was too much.

My workouts have helped me lose weight (26 pounds as of today), lose 2 dress sizes, and feel the best I have ever felt physically in my life (even with my shoulder being jacked up I feel better today than I did 10 years ago!)

My Trainer said it best when I told him what they said about my shoulder…”Even if it WAS workout related, at least you’re up and doing stuff.  I’d rather get hurt doing something than sit on my ass and do nothing forever.”   Truer words have never been spoken.  He advised me to ignore them and keep doing what I’m doing.  So that’s what I do.  Everyday at 4pm (unless I have PT), I change into my workout clothes and go downstairs to see if he’s going to go easy on me or kick my ass.  Most days?  He kicks my ass.  I keep a journal of all my workouts and I have started setting fitness goals.  I’m really looking forward to my shoulder being 100% so I can get back to doing “real” Crossfit and not just cardio and lower body workouts.

Keep doing what you’re doing.  This was my advice to my friend.  No one has the right to take away something we feel passionately about.  No one.  No one has the right to belittle or fuss at me for not doing things the way THEY would do them.  My end result is going to be fantastic fitness and health, self esteem and the loss of 15 more pounds and a dress size.  How I get there is of no concern to anyone else.

Until next time….

Last month, when I was here, my aunt asked what I was doing for my 10 yr birthday in GA.  I hadn’t given it much thought, because the program is so different in Louisville, it didn’t even occur to me that they would throw me a party of any kind.  She immediately said she would bring me back to Las Vegas to celebrate.  So we started planning the mini vacation around my birthday and went from there.  It was beautiful and moving and humbling.  There are no GA meetings like the ones here in Vegas.  Oh, I’ll keep going to my once or twice a week on the weekends like I’ve been doing the last few months and when I visit Vegas, I will hit meetings everyday – just like I have since I’ve been here.   Yesterday, I went to two meetings.  I find myself feeling more centered and serene then when I got here and that’s a good thing.  I can carry that with me and keep the tools of the program closer at hand.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve had tons of people I’ve known for years wanting to see me and spend time with me.  I haven’t gotten to half of them.  I leave today.  I’ll be checking out of the hotel in about an hour (quite early from the check out time of noon) because I have an appointment for a manicure at 10am.  After that, I’ll hang out with my aunt for a few hours and then be at the airport by 4pm for my 6pm flight.  Knowing this airport the way I do, I’ll be able to fiddle around a bit and then stand in the security line for about half an hour to an hour.  Unless for some reason, I’ve chosen a great time to leave and there are very few people leaving at the same time.

I’ve had a great few days.  I’ve spent tons of time with my aunt, which is good for both of us I think.  I’ve seen my best friends TB and KP (not enough for my liking, but I got to spend a few hours with each), I’ve hung out with a few of the girls I used to hang out with in GA and that was awesome.  This place is so calming for me when I’m constantly doing GA stuff.  The compulsive gambling addiction is accepted so much easier here than in Kentucky.  Where I live, it’s almost a shameful thing to be a compulsive gambler.  The differences are tremendous and I need to find a way to stop comparing them, so it’s something I’ll be working on.  The Saturday morning meetings back in the Ville are great and I’ll keep going to that one for sure, as well as the Sunday afternoon one.

I haven’t had much time to relax and get some “me” time while I’ve been here.  I found myself retreating and wanting to isolate and ignore everyone so I could relax and just “be” for a bit.  I didn’t, but I sure wanted too!  I did, however, have a few hours yesterday of “me” time and spent time napping in my hotel and going to the pool here.  It was nice, and it helped get me out of that isolation feeling.  By allowing myself that alone time, I made sure to avoid isolationism and trying to avoid people.

I got some great pictures of the new bridge that crosses the Colorado River out by the dam.  Holy crap that thing is huge!  We were going to walk out onto it, but it was too hot (about 105) so we decided not to do that.

I’m looking forward to going home, being in my own bed and picking Josie up tomorrow afternoon.  It will be nice to get back to my routine and I’m even looking forward to my workout Thursday.  I’m sure The Trainer will kick my ass since I haven’t worked out for a week since I’ve been here, but I think it’ll be worth it.

Until next time…