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I am your disease….

Having no money leaves my days wide open to read, clean, watch TV, listen to music, etc.  I’ve spent the day reading the 2nd book of the A Song of Ice and Fire series, A Clash of Kings.  I can’t wait for season two of this show on HBO in the spring.

I’ve washed every sheet and towel I own.  I washed every piece of clothing that was out in the open in my bedroom.   I’ve vacuumed, dusted and rearranged the bedroom furniture (majority of which was done last night before bed).

I’ve read a lot of GA and addiction literature, as well.  I found this one that I want to share with you.  There is no author listed, but I found it in GA.

I’m Your Disease

I hate meetings.

I hate a Higher Power.

I hate anyone who has a program.

To all who come in contact with me, I wish you suffering and I wish you death.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction.  CUNNING, BAFFLING and POWERFUL, that’s me.

I have killed millions and I am pleased with myself.

I love to catch you with the element of surprise.  I love pretending I am your friend and lover.  I have given you comfort, have I not?  Wasn’t I there when you were lonely?  When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me?  I was there.

I love to make you hurt.  I love to make you cry.  Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry.  When you can’t feel anything at all, this is true glory.

I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long term suffering.  I’ve been there for you always.  When things were going right in your life, you invited me.  You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the ONLY ONE who would agree with you.  Together, we were able to DESTROY ALL THINGS GOOD in your life.

People don’t take me seriously.  They take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously.  Fools that they are, they don’t know that without my help, many of these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited.

YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE ME.  So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a Twelve Step Program.  Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power, all weaken me and I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lie here quietly.  You don’t see me, but I am growing bigger than ever.  When you only exist, I may live.  When you live, I only exist.  But I am here…and until we meet again, if we meet again, I WISH YOU SUFFERING AND DEATH.

How powerful that is.  My disease sits inside of me, waiting for me to have a weak moment.  Waiting for me to feel sorry for myself.  It sits and watches every move I make, every thought I have.  It looks for that loop hole that will cause me to go back into my addictive behavior.  I stopped drinking on July 16th, 2011.  I stopped gambling July 30, 2001.  I have the disease of addiction.  Not only am I an addict, but I am the adult child of an alcoholic – an active one.  I have no room for error when it comes to my recovery.

I need to stay diligent and aware of my own behavior and actions.  I cannot become complacent with my recovery again.  Ever.

It’s only through the Grace of God I am here today.  It is only through the gifts I’m given that I live and survive.  I have problems, I have a lot of problems.  Some of my problems are of my own doing and consequences of actions I’ve taken before.  Some of them are not within my control and I had to adjust and adapt to those problems.  I may have a shit ton of problems that I have no idea how I’m going to fix, but I don’t have to gamble OR drink because of those problems.

Until next time…

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