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Archive for December, 2012

Tripping over it…

Since September, it seems life has thrown one shit sandwich after another at me. I’ve taken a deep breath and have done the best I can with each day and each situation. I’ve tried not to let it effect me to the point of no return and so far, I’ve done okay with that.

I’ve been tripping over my insecurities that seem to have resurfaced out of nowhere. Things I thought I had dealt with reared their ugly heads and made me realize I have so much more work to do on myself. I found myself wondering if I would ever be “enough” for someone. Would I let (key word) myself be slotted into the “friends with benefits” or “booty call” zones? Was I destined to live my life alone and without companionship of someone of the opposite sex? Would I be destined to find someone that I admired and adored only to have them not be that into me?

And then a situation at work occurred (that I can’t talk about on here) and my world imploded. I’m finding out who my real friends are in this situation. Some are coming out of the wood work; some are disappointing me and some are surprising me simply by their level of loyalty and willingness to stand up for me in the face of much adversity. I trip over my insecurities in this situation too. Is this what people really think about me? Or is it just the jealousy from one person because I said “no” many times? I thought I had gotten to a point in my life where what others thought of me would not get me down or bother me. I found out I was wrong. And I’m okay with that – it’s just something else I need to work on and work through.

I go between being very angry and very sad nowadays. When the situation at work started, I had the other thing going on, and so I vacillated between these two emotions for weeks before realizing the other situation, in the big scheme of things, was not that big of a deal. And I found myself dealing with that one much better and more emotionally stable. Although, it could also have to do with the fact he is the only one standing up for me (publicly) and has been supporting me emotionally through the work thing.

I decided I needed a weekend getaway or even just an over night get away, so I noticed a few friends planning some kaoroke fun in Lexington over the weekend and said I’d love to go. So I did. And it was just what the doctor ordered. I had so much fun on that over night trip; it made me realize I was being way to hard on myself in both situations and I needed to refocus.

I made a commitment to get back into my workouts (the work situation had a negative impact on my motivation to do anything, let alone working out); look into the Cooper Clayton smoking cessation classes that start January 9. They provide the nicotine replacement products FREE each week during the 13 week class. I’m calling tomorrow to register myself. I also made a commitment to journal more, whether here on the blog, or in a regular old fashioned journal. The workouts and the journal will help me mentally and emotionally so much more than anything else. I know this to be true, historically, the more I workout and the more I write about my feelings, the better and more centered I feel.

And that’s where I am today. Finding my way back to myself of 6 months ago where I didn’t let my emotions get so shattered and confused that it hurt me physically and mentally. I’m done with all that. I know this is an evolution and each of these situations are happening to teach me something about myself and/or others. So I just keep my chin up, let myself feel whatever I feel, and move forward. There is no other option than for me to move forward and work towards improving myself.

Until next time…

Wednesday December 26

Well hello there! Yes, this is my first workout in forever. Yes, it kicked my ass. He’s been on vacation (in Jamaica – bastard) and so while I had good intentions to make up a workout for myself, I just never did. I decided over the weekend, while I was in Lexington with friends, that no matter what I needed to get back into my workouts. It’s been a rocky road of crazy emotions, weird physical things happening, and just plain old tripping over all my insecurities. More on that later…

He’s still on vacation, so I made one up for myself to “ease” myself back into the Crossfit world.

1 stair run
10 push ups
10 thrusters (15# dumbbell)
20 sit ups
4 rounds

I noticed my breathing is off, my energy and strength are lacking and it felt like I was just now doing my very first Crossfit workout. It’s okay, I’ll ease my way into it again like I did when I first started and I’ll get back on the road to working out every day and sticking to my fitness routine that helps me stay sane.

Monday December 17

12 minute AMRAP

15 thrusters w/db (20#)
15 v-ups
15 push ups

I did 3 rds + 5 reps

then:
100 sit ups

Tuesday December 11

2 minutes of single jump ropes – 200

12 minute AMRAP
8 SDHP (45#)
8 burpeees
8 wall balls
8 box jumps

3 rounds + 10 reps

The guys did almost identical workouts. They did hang clean & jerks instead of the sumo deadlift high pull that I did. I can’t get the c&j form/function down yet so one of the guys suggested I do the SDHP instead. My old shoulder injury of April of 2011 kinda came back to haunt me during the practicing of the c&j and bugged me during the SDHP but I Rx’d the workout.

Thursday December 6

This workout has given me an eye migraine. As soon as I post this, I’m hitting the couch!

15 minute AMRAP
10 thrusters w/pink bar (35#)
10 burpees
10 step ups w/5# in each hand – 20″ box
4 rounds + 10 thrusters

then:
150 Russian Twists using the small med ball
time: 3:53

Wednesday December 5

First workout since last week. It was brutal.

2 stair runs
20 squats
15 push ups
10 ring rows
15 bench dips
20 v ups
4 rounds

I may never wash my hair again! lol It felt good to finish it though!