The Soda Stand

Archive for the ‘Recovery’ Category

Hi, my name is Sodapop and I’m a compulsive gambler.

I think about my recovery a lot. It forms my days. It starts me on a journey throughout the day of how I will try to live my life. My whole way of thinking and living changed when I stopped gambling. It had to change, otherwise I would have died.

I have a compulsive gambler inside of me, waiting to show her ugliness. I have a disease that tells me there is nothing wrong with me. I have a disease that is not visible to the eye of a passerby. I have an addiction that is not visible physically and is not substance based.

I have a healthy, fearful respect for my disease. I know that it sits quietly, waiting for me to get into that mental blank spot where it can talk to me and make me believe it. There is a song by Three Days Grace called Let You Down. The moment I heard it, I knew it was my disease talking to me…..

Trust me
There’s no need to fear
Everyone’s here
Waiting for you to finally be one of us

Come down…
You may be full of fear
But you’ll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down,
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Trust me
I’ll be there when you need me
You’ll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Never want to come down
Never want to come down
Never want to come down

(Down, let you down)

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Those lyrics fill me with rememberance of how I was when I gambled. Those lyrics speak to me as if my addiction is speaking to me.

I have never forgotten my last bet. When I first came into the program, some old timers kept reminding me to never forget that last bet. “Once you forget that last bet, Sodapop, you’ll go right back out there. Because you forgot the pain.”

My last bet was July 29, 2001, Sunday evening at approximately 9:44 p.m. I walked into my first GA meeting at 8pm on the following day, Monday, July 30, 2001. I hope I never forget the pain of those two days. I hope I never forget the pain of turning my life around to what it, and, who I am today.

Thanks for letting me share….

I used to always say that as long as I “accept” whatever situation, I could get through anything and be OK. As long as I found the acceptance level and became willing to just let it be and not try to control the situation, I would be alright.

I lost my acceptance. I lost my willingness. The second I found out I might miss Thanksgiving with my family, I lost my mind. I became angry and frustrated. I became fitful and depressed. I started feeling like a little kid, stomping my feet when my parents make me do something I don’t want to do.

I went to a 7 year birthday GA meeting last night. It was awesome and I know I needed to be there. My sponsor (that would be GB for those not in the know) cornered me after the meeting and said some things I needed to hear. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but I sure needed it.

Once again, he helped open my eyes and look in that mirror I’ve been pushing away. The addict inside of me has been acting out lately. I don’t want a second job, so I’ve been fighting tooth and nail finding one, while my financial situation gets worse and worse.

I’ve explored a few options and outside of living with a stranger (ie: getting a roommate into this tiny apartment), I need that second job. I need to make more money than I’m making now. I’m barely making my essential bills with what I’m making right now. Something has to give.

I’ve looked into that other apartment. I went over the deposit stuff yesterday and I was going to do it this week. I had just enough to pay the application fee and the security deposit. And then I realized I have my cell phone bill, power bill and cable bill that need to be paid this week. I had to weigh the options. Which one was more important? I’m paying the bills.

I’m going to call the apartment complex tomorrow and see if they could hold it until my next payday, when I know I’d be able to pay the $250 without hurting the bills situation. I’ll also suggest I pay the application fee now and then the security deposit on my next payday. Cross your fingers on that one!

Somewhere along the line here in Kentucky, I let my all important acceptance go out the window. I find myself feeling frustrated, lonely, angry and “attacked.” I sometimes feel like I’m being punished for moving here, which I know is not true.

I’ve been missing church and I need to get back. I need to get back in there and find my spiritual level of acceptance and willingness. I lost it somewhere.

I have a doctor’s appointment this morning, so I’m going to work late. I’ll work an hour over tonight and then go in an hour early tomorrow and make up the time.

I need to push the Avon stuff, so I can start seeing some sort of income from that. I think I’ve seen about $20 from it. Unless I’m missing something, that isn’t much to speak of for the last 6 weeks.

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s Platoon 2 day. This is my favorite day for eye candy at work. WHEEEE

Until next time…

I was honored, once again, by NYC Watchdog. Remembering to stop and smell the roses as I speed through life is sometimes difficult and just not happening. Dawg reminds me to do this. Thanks, Dawg

Not only did I get THAT awesome award above, but today is my seven year anniversary without making a bet! WHEEEEE

Hi, my name is Sodapop and I’m a compulsive gambler. It’s only through the Grace of God I’m here today. I’m very grateful to be here. My last bet was July 29, 2001.

Those words are spoken (minus the Sodapop and plus my real name) at every meeting I go to that I share in. Every meeting, I introduce myself as a compulsive gambler. This way? I never, ever forget where I came from.

I walked into my first GA meeting on Monday, July 30, 2001. I have not had to go back out there and “test” the waters to see how bad it still is for me. I have not had to relapse. I’m eligible to do this. I’m as close to my next bet as the newest member of GA when they make their first meeting. I just choose NOT to gamble today.

Seven years without sitting at a poker machine. Seven years without playing any kind of raffle or buying a lottery ticket. I have not participated in radio contests. I have not entered myself into any type of sweepstakes.

Seven years ago today, I felt like my world was crashing around me. I was tired. I was tired of being sick and tired. I was despondent. I did not know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I needed to quit gambling. I needed to stop doing what I was doing, expecting different results.

It was a Monday night 7 years ago. My aunt on my dad’s side walked me into my first GA meeting. I walked into that meeting with one expectation; I would never have to gamble again.

And then I learned I didn’t have to think of it as in “forever” or “never.” I didn’t have to think to myself “I will never gamble again.” I just had to think of it in terms of “I do not have to gamble today.”

I was an escape gambler. I would gamble to escape loneliness. I would gamble to escape real emotional connection with other people. I would gamble if I was happy, sad, depressed, in between. I would just gamble to escape. I started going almost everyday near the end there. I didn’t want to live life on life’s terms. I did not want to deal with the emotions I had raging inside of me.

Today, it’s a different story. Today, I’m a different person. I’m constantly growing and learning. There seems to be an evolution of Sodapop every six months or so. And the end result always seems to be better than before.

I have a tradition that I have upheld the last seven years. Today is my date of abstinence, we are having a celebration meeting (I get to get my grub on!) on Friday, however, I’ll be making a meeting tonight. Whether I’m recognizing on a different day or not, I ALWAYS make a meeting on my abstinence date.

I will keep reminding myself this is NOT a graduation (as I remind myself every year) and I will keep growing. As long as I remain teachable, there is no limit on how I will grow and heal.

Thanks for letting me share.

Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed – Step 6 of the Gamblers Anonymous 12 Steps of Recovery.

There is nothing like looking in the mirror of your character defects. Every now and then, I HATE looking in that mirror because then if I recognize something, I’ll have to call it out and then deal with it. And sometimes, I just like to let myself stew and keep this one defect of character, or maybe fear keeps me from wanting to face it. Fear is most likely the cause of everything I don’t do currently.

I’m working on Step Six with my local sponsor and he’s had me filling out these “Daily Inventory” sheets for the last 2 months. Each sheet has a column for each day of the week and then 2 sub-columns under those days of the week. One column for positive and one column for negative.

I had to go through and mark each day on whether I was “positive” or “negative” with that one defect/trait. OH MY GOSH!

Here is a one day example of what I filled out:

Positive Negative

Aware of Others Self-Centered _____ _____

Thoughtful Self-pitying _____ _____

Cheerful Depressed _____ _____

There are 41 things like this. Each day of the week has the P and the N. My assignment was to go through each day of the weeks and mark whether I was “cheerful” or “depressed,” etc.

Last week? I had more negatives than positives. Overall? I’ve had lots of “depressed” “tense” “worrisome” “panicky” “intolerant” “self-pitying” “lazy” “procrastinating” and “aimless”

GB and I will be going over this stuff in a week or so and I’ll move onto Step Seven (Humbly asked God, of our understanding, to remove these shortcomings.)

Wish me luck!

Thanks for letting me share.

Until next time…

Strange topic, isn’t it?  It’s what I’m doing my workshop on.   I was going to show how I have gone from being emotionally unavailable when I first came into the program to being emotionally available and the emotional transfusion that took place.

I have NO fucking idea how to get there.   I know what I WANT to put on paper, I just have no idea how to word it, how to structure it or how to format it.

I’ve typed up about 9 pages of stuff that I not only got from the book I have (Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing it, Understanding It, and Avoiding it’s Trap), and I’m now stuck.  I guess this is some sort of writer’s block, I don’t know.

I’ve fought off a headache all day along with some depression and so I’m not all that focused on this workshop, which I NEED to be.  I HAVE to have this done no later than Friday morning, so I can go make copies at Kinkos and be done with it.

First of all, it’s not a topic *I* would have chosen for a workshop that I do.  However, it was given to me by the GA planning committee of the conference.   They do things differently here.  They pick a “theme” for their conference and ask everyone doing workshops to do something along the lines of that theme.  They even pick a topic FOR YOU and then throw it in your lap.

I was supposed to have help on this, but everyone who said they would help has backed out and canceled on me.  So here I am, struggling with this topic I don’t feel I’m ready to do.

I’m ALL about looking in the mirror and taking accountability for my own shit.  When I’m ready for that.  I do not like having something thrown at me and someone telling me this is what I need to do.  *le sigh*  That would be me and my denial of not wanting to face something about my personality that I do not like.  I’m working on that.

I’m going to give myself a break and not work on this workshop the rest of the night.  I’m going to go plant myself in front of the TV and watch some shows.

I cooked a roast today.  Ummm.  Yeah.  It turned out very YUMMEH, however, I will NOT ever buy a roast in the summer again.  Not in this crappy apartment.  I was melting.  It gets hot in here anyway cause of the sliding glass door facing west and the afternoon sun beats it’s way past my blinds into this place.  And with the added heat of the oven going?  Ummm, yeah.  Won’t happen again.  My bad.

I took a nap earlier today.  It was one of those “I’m feeling depressed so I’m going to nap” type naps.  I slept heavy, deep and for about 2 hours.  I woke up feeling groggy, still just as sad/depressed and cranky.

I do have to say though, I have 44 days until I go to Vegas to see my BFF and some other GA members.  I can’t wait to see everyone.   I kind of wish I was going to Georgia instead, however, since my BFF is paying for my trip back to Vegas, I won’t complain too much!  heeeheee

Until next time….

Hi. My name is Sodapop and I’m a compulsive gambler. It’s only through the grace of God that I’m here tonight. I’m very grateful to be here. My abstinence date is 7/30/01.

The grace of God is defined (by some) to be an undeserving gift from God.  In Webster’s they define grace as the love and favor of God towards human beings.  What makes these gifts “undeserving”?  Things we do not work for?  

Most people who follow God in the Bible know that most people who are blessed in certain ways must work for those blessings.  God helps those who help themselves.  Right?

I never really paid attention to these things.  I never really paid attention to the grace I’ve been given by God.   God helped me find GA almost 7 years ago.  He has helped me learn more about myself and become more self aware of things I do and say.   He has enabled me to become a better person from the inside out.  To me, THAT is the grace of God I have been given.

I was reading a blog earlier this evening, it’s all about addiction.  I’ve been reading it for several months now and tonight was the first post about compulsive or pathological gambling I’ve seen on there.  I read that thing five times.  I’m always fascinated by the scientific studies they do and the studies that they conduct about gambling.

It’s been said (paraphrased here) that a drug addict NEVER things that the drug/substance will be the answer to all their problems.  However, a gambler will ALWAYS think that the next bet will be the one that makes them rich and will take them into their dream world.  It’s a sad thing really.  I remember several times thinking if i just hit this one jackpot or Please God, just let me hit four Aces with a kicker and I’ll go home.  I’ll stop gambling.  I promise.

I’d hit said four Aces with a kicker, and more sometimes, and sit right where I was.  Compulsively putting money into that machine.  I would compulsively feed my hard earned dollars into something that gave me a high.  I was an addict.  I am an addict.  I pray every day that I never have to go back to what I was.  I pray every day I am given the serenity, courage and wisdom to choose the right path to take that day.

Gambler’s Anonymous has given me choices and has given me the tools to build a wonderful life.  I’m in the process of that now.  Progress before perfection.  Perfection will come when I breathe my last breath and I meet my Maker with a clear conscious and be able to stand up and say “I am proud of who I have become through the grace of God.”

There but for the Grace of God go I.

Thanks for letting me share….

I’m just over done.  Put a fork in me.  I’m dead on my feet.

I left the house at 7:30 this morning for work, travelled my one hour and 20 minutes and 75 miles.  I worked my ass off.  They are adding duties and adding duties every day.   It’s time I sit down with the owner, whether he has the time or not, I will ask him for 10 minutes.   I can’t keep busting my ass for the peanuts I’m getting paid.  I just can’t afford to do this anymore.

After work, I travelled my one hour and 20 minutes and 75 miles to a GA meeting.  The meeting started at 7pm, we were done at 8:45.   GB and I sat in my car and went over my financial inventory.  I sobbed.  It’s horrible.  I hate it.

After we finished the inventory (10:30 or so), we prayed and then I came home.  I’m not going to share the details of everything in that inventory, but let me tell you it’s not pretty and I have faced a reality I do not want to face.   I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, suiting up and showing up.   I will stand up for myself and I will continue praying.

Until next time…

Post title from the Rent Soundtrack – One Song Glory by Adam Pascal as Roger.

I’m going to share some truths with you.  Truths that most of us compulsive gamblers would rather you (normal people) not know about us.

Compulsive gamblers are control freaks by nature.  We love to be in control, yet we balk at the responsibility that accompanies that control.   We are judgmental and egotistical.   We like to tell people how they should work the program.  We like to push on them the fact that this is what worked for us, so it has to work for you.

I just got home from a committee meeting for the planning of our mini conference coming up in June.  I sat back and watched most of it until the chair person, DT, said something that got right up under my skin.  He said that he’s been stressing how everyone should sign up for the conference.   It’s vital to their recovery.

I almost lost my shit.   I told him he needs to stop telling people what they should do and just lead by example.   It’s only vital to their recovery is they choose to make it vital to their recovery.   None of us can force these people to sign up.   None of us can force these people to show up at the conference.   We plan it, prepare it and hope that tons of people show up for a wonderful day of recovery and fellowship.

He argued with me for 10 minutes after the meeting, telling me I totally misunderstood him, yadda yadda yadda.  Miss Lucy met DT at the meeting I took her too when she was here.   Her words?  “DT has intense eye contact, I had to look away several times.”   That’s DT.  He’s intense.  And he beleives his way is the best way for the rest of us to get recovery that we need.

I was so irritated by the time the meeting got over, I almost forgot what I had promised to get the communications chair.  LOL  I’m getting ready to start on that stuff now.   I’m eating my dinner of salmon patties with black olives and garlic salt in them.  YUM.   Once I finish eating, I’m going to get to work on the GA stuff.

Until next time….

Tonight’s topic at the meeting was remaining teachable.  I love that topic.  I know that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.   I love it when I’m like a sponge and soak up knowledge that others have to share and the lessons I’ve learned are fathomless.

Someone got a 2 year coin today in GA.   I shared that this person teaches me consistency.  He is always at the Monday night meetings.  Doesn’t matter if he’s late because of work or traffic, he’s there.  Every.single.week.   His dedication to the program and the consistent ways he shows it are awesome indeed.

I’ve learned a lesson of gratitude today.  One that I wish I had not learned.  My dear blogging friend Lisa, of Clusterfook has had a rough road lately and it’s still rough ahead for her.  Please keep her in your prayers and thoughts.  

I’ve decided I need to do something.  I don’t know HOW to do it, so I’m going to lay it out here soon and ask my blogging buddies for some counsel.  Just not in this post.  Cause it’s going to be in a password protected post.  It will be the same password as the last few.   If you want it, let me know and if you are a regular reader of this blog, I will give it to you cause it’s not about anyone in the blogging world.

My stomach is upset.  It was an eating meeting tonight and someone brought meat balls in this fabulous sauce that I just had to dip some chips into.  Ugh.  Yeah.  Not liking that decision I made LOL

I have a very long today since I went in an hour early and then straight to my meeting after work.  I just got home at 9pm.  That makes it a total of 13.5 hours I was out of the house.  I dislike that.

I’m going to go cuddle my dogs.  I suddenly feel like I need that.

Until next time…