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Archive for the ‘safe haven’ Category

How do you deal with it?

Thousands of people have been diagnosed with – and some have not been diagnosed, but suffer from – depression.  Whether it’s mild or major, the depression lives within a lot of us.  There is a project going around, called “The Semi-Colon Project.”  This project is about tattooing a semi colon.  You can find out more here .  The author of that blog post puts into words things I have never been able to say out loud to anyone.  Except one or two people in my life.

A semi-colon is a place in a sentence where the author has the decision to stop with a period, but chooses not to. A semi-colon is a reminder to pause and then keep going.

There’s been a rush to get semi-colon tattoos somewhere that you can see everyday.  It brings awareness to depression and I think it will be a really good thing.  Also in this blog post, the author says, “You cannot spot depression because you become depression.”  And it rings very true for me.  My doctor recently told me that he felt my health issues I was having was my depression and insomnia playing tricks on me.  I poo-poo’d that idea right out the window because I ALWAYS recognize my depression.  Right.  I see how well that has gone for me lately.  So when I re-posted the blog post, I also posted this; “This project intrigues me. On many different levels and taking a little nudge from the author of this blog post; I am depression and I’m an educated, successful, independent woman. I am depression and I am a college student who made the Dean’s List with straight A’s last semester. I am depression and I have successfully worked in public safety as support personnel for the majority of my adult life. I am depression and I am not ashamed to tell you that.”

Several weeks ago, I posted about an old friend who died suddenly of acute liver failure.  We had not been friends for a long time, but I thought of her often and missed her friendship.  She passed before I could tell her I missed her.  I struggled with guilt for a while and then I think I settled into a depression that I haven’t quite gotten out of yet.  I feel like crap all the time and when I sit and analyze it (as I am prone to do), I realize a lot of (actually most of) it started right after she passed and I went to Indy for her funeral (which was beautiful by the way).  I have felt an overwhelming sadness ever since then I haven’t been able to shake it.  While I’ve moved forward and continue living, I find myself wanting to do nothing but sleep.  I have had several anxiety attacks (as a matter of fact, I am in the middle of one right now waiting for the Ativan to kick in) and instead of posting on Facebook that I’m feeling this way, I post it here.  I’ll probably post this link onto FB later, but for now, this is where I need to talk about it.

We got a new EAP again this fiscal year as of July 1, so I’m trying to register on their website so I can utilize some of their services (they are free), and I somehow locked my account out.  *sigh*  This just set me deeper into that funk. So I emailed their webmaster and I’m awaiting a response from them on how to unlock the thing.

In the meantime, I think about things going on and I have to say I am blessed.  I have a good job (even though I get frustrated and overwhelmed a lot), I have a beautiful roof over my head (I love this house even after 10 months), I have the love of an amazing family and amazing framily.  My GA family, my blood family, my work family.  I have a TON of people who care about me.   So, it’s time for me to come clean.  I’m struggling with my depression, which seems to make me struggle with my physical health too and the two together are nothing but shit sandwiches back to back.

And to help me feel even worse, some Douchebag decided to put some raw meat in my trash can outside so I spent an hour or more on Saturday bleaching the shit out of my trash can and killing thousands of little white maggots that made my skin crawl.

So while I wait for my account to get unlocked with my EAP, I thank you for letting me share and for being there for me as usual.

Until next time…


Here we are…

My brother moves fast when someone is threatening my safe haven!  I emailed him late last night and by the time my psychology seminar started at 7pm, this blog was up and running.

It looks the same, it will sound the same and the only difference will be the URL and the people I give it too.  I’m sure there were people I forgot to email with the new URL and I’m sure I’ll hear about it in the next few days when they realize that the old blog no longer exists.  I was on the phone with him when my awesome-sauce brother killed the old blog.

When I got home from work, I was feeling all pukey like and so I was laying on the couch when he called me to go over the new parameters of The Soda Stand.   I got off the phone with him and I felt good.  I actually felt my heart kind of crack when he said he was “dead.”   I started blogging 6 months after my best friend died in the hopes of expressing myself where I couldn’t in other areas.

Blogging has really become an integral part of who I am and how I live my life.  I would be lost without it and I’m just grateful I can continue doing it.  All password protected posts will have a new password.  Once I decide what that is, I will let ya know if you want it.

While I will continue expressing myself as openly as I ever have, there will be some details about my life that I will keep to myself and my closest friends via email.  There was nothing viewable publicly that could have gotten me fired (thank goodness for civil service and union contracts) but it could and was a little embarrassing to find that some had discovered my safe haven, ya know?  I’m weeding people out and I’m starting out with a smaller group of peeps.

There are no links on my FB page to this URL and it will remain that way.  If I gave you this URL, please do NOT pass it on to anyone without my permission.  While it’s a public blog and anyone can read it, I’d like to try to filter out the ones I don’t want, yanno?  Hmmm control issues much?  lol

Also, when I password protect a post and I give you that password, please don’t share the pw. Totally defeats my purpose of keeping some things private the way I need to feel safe right now.

Thanks for being here and reading my rambling words.  I appreciate you more than you know.