The Soda Stand

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I don’t know what I want to do with this place.  It’s coming up for renewal and I’m at a loss as to whether I want to renew and keep the URL.  I most likely will, whether I utilize the blog or not.  There are too many memories in this place for me to just walk away from.  I’ve bled on these pages.  I’ve expressed myself, I’ve found myself and I’ve learned about myself.

I’m thinking of moving my fitness blog information over here and just switching it up.  However, not many people know about the fitness blog and I kinda like that.  I don’t think I want it mixed with all my personal stuff here.  We’ll see how I feel about it later.  I’m coming up on my one year anniversary (December 7th) of working out almost every day during the work week.  Today was day 207 of work outs.  What a difference it has made in my life.  I’m still smoking, unfortunately, but someone at work called me the “fittest smoker” they know.  HA!  I didn’t know whether to thank them or punch them in the throat.  I couldn’t decide, so I just smiled and walked away.

I’ve evolved so many times and I’ve shared all of those feelings and emotions here.  I evolve every day and sometimes I don’t like what I see.  I make changes here and there, I make goals and strive to meet that goal within a time period that I know I can accomplish said goal.  I’ve spent the last 9 months working on financial goals and I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a lot of those goals.  One day at a time, right?

For now, I am going to keep this place.  I realized, as I typed this out, I am too emotionally invested in this blog to let it go anytime soon.  Although, it seems to collect dust more than anything since I don’t use it very often.

Until next time…

The next few days will have me flying down memory lane.  Four years ago today, I drove out of my hometown headed towards my new life here in Louisville.  I have fond memories of my trip across the country.  It was a four day road trip with a very good friend and it was the beginning of an evolution of myself that I’m quite happy with.

I took some time yesterday, after I renewed my driver’s license, to cruise through some of those memories here on this blog, reading about the road trip and the first few weeks here in the Ville.  I’ve come a long way.  I’ve struggled, I’ve fallen down, I’ve stood back up and kept walking.  I’ve brushed myself off so many times, it’s amazing I’m still here.  Four years later and I’m reflecting about how far I’ve come.

Sitting here today, I don’t realize how very much has happened to me when I first moved here, and over the course of the years since I’ve been here.  However, after reading those blog posts yesterday, it’s amazing to me I’ve stuck it out.  I was pretty miserable for awhile.  So much crap was thrown in my way, I almost gave in and ran home.  I didn’t though.  I am here, in this town, for a reason.  I realized that when I found out Rex was buried here after I got here.  Not every day you move into the town (without realizing it) where one of the loves of your life is buried.  Not coincidence.

I vividly remember when the movers finally showed up to deliver my stuff.  I vividly remember that because I’m still bitter about the couch.  I’m sure I’ll get over it someday, but until then, I’m bitter about that moving company.  I read about how worried I was about finding a job.  I vaguely remember worrying about that at the time.  I read about how the stairs in that first apartment kicked my butt.  I vaguely remember that.

Reading the posts reminded me of Ms. Gold Tooth and the crazy she brought to the building.  I was reminded of the creepy neighbor guy who lived there before her.  I was reminded of how Chloe and Josie would drive me crazy barking over nothing as they too adjusted to our new surroundings.   I was reminded that almost immediately upon moving here, my allergies exploded and it’s been a four year battle with those.

As I sit here relaxing before leaving for my GA meeting, I think back on those four days of the road trip and I smile.  It was an experience of a life time and I’m grateful I got to experience that.  I keep those memories locked up in a little memory box inside my head and heart.

Moving out of Las Vegas was one of the best tings I’ve ever done for myself.  I’ve grown more emotionally in the last four years than I ever thought possible.

Yes, I still struggle.  A lot.  But no one ever promised me life would be easy, just worth it.

Until next time…

• Shoulder is healing up, but it’ll be another 4 or 5 weeks before I can lift more than 5 pounds (that my therapist knows about anyway).
• I’m allowed to do one arm rows with 5 pounds and I do that a lot.  If The Trainer doesn’t put them in my workout, I do them here at home with 3# weights.
• Work is going decently.  Do I have complaints?  Yes.  Yes I do, but I keep them off this blog, Facebook and anywhere coworkers linger.
• I want the new iPhone so badly I could cry.  However, I don’t get an upgrade discount until April so I suffer with the crappy Blackberry battery life and move on.
• *IF* I come into some money before April, I can guarantee you I’ll upgrade sooner.  But since I don’t see that happening anytime soon, I’ll be counting down the days.
• Apparently, I have a “bullpen.”  This is according to Dr. Drew’s show.  I’m okay with that cause it tells me I’m playing the dating game better than I have before.  Nothing serious and nothing major, just fun and good times for me.
• My financial life is slowly, but surely, getting into order.  I get one thing caught up to have something else come up.  I get that caught up, just to have something else push me down.  I’m working on it and I’ve got a plan.  As long as I follow that plan, I’ll be okay.  Here’s hoping more shit doesn’t hit the fan and I get knocked on my ass too many more times.  It’s frustrating.  And scary.  I eat a lot of ramen noodles.  Good thing I like those things.
• I took two days off at the end of this week coming up.  Specifically so I can sleep in and do nothing.  It will also save me gas on driving 32 miles per day to and from work.  There’s a method to my madness.
• I was upset the Yankees didn’t get into the ALCS.  However, I’m quite happy the Rangers are going to the WS and not the Tigers.  Yes.  I cheered for the Rangers specifically because the Tigers beat the Yankees and I didn’t want them to get to the Series.  I’m a petty fan like that.  I don’t cheer for the team who beats my favorite team.  Just won’t happen.
• WWF is on Facebook now and I have eleventy billion games going.  How do people actually get shit done when they are constantly playing their turns in WWF?  Seriously!
• I’m slowly cleaning and de-cluttering this apartment.  I moved here with the equivalent of a 3 bedroom home into a 2 bedroom apartment then into a 1 bedroom apartment.  I still have enough shit for a 3 bedroom.  Driving me batshit crazy.
• I’m stuck in this apartment for another year due to finances and not being able to get a newer place or one closer to work.  I need to get okay with that in my head and do what I can do.
• The neighborhood has gone downhill quite a bit since I moved here 4 years ago.  Not digging it!  It’s also on the complete opposite end of town than any of my friends and coworkers.  I don’t like that.
• I’m pretty happy with where my life is right now.  Even with all the crap happening around me and to me.  I’m content and quite grateful for what I do have.  In a perfect world, none of us would have to suffer financial difficulty, emotional turmoil, physical pain, etc.  Acceptance isn’t easy and I work on it daily, but I’m there right now for today.

Until next time…

Do you remember where you were?  Do you remember what you were doing?  I do.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember the shock, the heart shattering pictures that were coming across the TV.  It stays with me.  I think of 9/11 all the time.  I still look at the clock at 9:11 a.m. and p.m. almost everyday.

As I sit here wondering what to post for the 10th anniversary of the worst terrorist attacks against the United States in my life time, I realize I don’t really have many words to say to commemorate it.  But I do have a post from the 5 year anniversary that I did, in honor of one of the many victims who lost their lives.

I’ve been watching specials on MSNBC all night and all I can think of is how amazing it is that as I watch these shows, I feel the same gut wrenching heart break that I felt that morning as I was getting ready for work.  I was slowing getting ready for work, as I tend to wake up early and it was about 6am on the west coast.  I remember seeing it on the TV and running in to wake my mom up to have her watch the news with me.  It was horrifying.

10 years later, I still pray for peace and the grace of God to touch the lives of people directly affected by 9/11.  You’re in my thoughts and prayers.  This day is not about me.  It’s about the people who were lost and those directly affected by that loss.  I’ll never forget their sacrifice.

I wrote this post 5 years ago in a tribute that bloggers across the country (actually the world) took part in.  It was originally posted on 9/11/06.

This post is dedicated to the life of Stephen V. Mulderry who was on the 89th floor of the World Trade Center when it was hit by a plane. All of the information I’ve gained is from obituaries and online websites dedicated to the victims of September 11.

The impression I got from everything I read, was one of happiness, family, love and generosity. It seems he was generous with his time and love and he loved to help people. I can’t say that I knew him. But I can say I’ve known people like him and I wish I had known him. People who take up the whole room when they enter. Their energy and magnetism just light up the room. There’s no mistaking the charismatic look in his eye in the pictures I’ve seen of him.

To the Mulderry family, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I am also very humbled and grateful that I was able to write this memorial for your son, brother, friend and loved one. May you find joy and happiness as you continue to remember the wonderful person that Stephen was.

When I look at the picture of him, I envision a tall, lanky, happy man who is secure in himself and in the world he has immersed himself in. I see passion and strength. I see happiness and love. I feel a warmth spread from my heart, at the same time as feeling incredible sadness that the world lost someone like him.

Everything I’ve read on the internet has given me the impression that the man never rested. He was always doing something for someone. He was always working at something that he loved, like being a top equity trader and a vice president of the employee-owned investment banking and brokerage firm, Keefe, Bruyette and Woods. Even in high school and college, Stephen did for others. He worked as a counselor and mentor at Project Strive, in Albany, an after school and summer program for grammar school students.

Stephen Vincent William Mulderry was born on May 4, 1968 in Albany, NY. Stephen had seven siblings, Amy, Andrew, Daniel, Peter, Anne Connel, Alexandra Andreani, Bill and Dara. Stephen’s parents were Anne and Bill Mulderry. Stephen attended Bishop Maginn Diocesan High School. After graduation, he attended the University of Albany.

Stephen moved to New York City after graduating from college, to pursue his career. When he first moved to the City, he was delivering chocolate milk to bodegas and he was a bartender. It’s been said that he poured energy into everything he did. Whether it be work, family, or basketball. He loved playing basketball and played it throughout college, where he led the team as point guard for three seasons.

Stephen’s nickname on the basketball court (and probably other places) was Zipper. I’d say this was because of his speed and agility on the basketball court. While playing basketball in the city leagues, he was voted Most Valuable Player during the Lower East Side Hamilton Fish tournament.

Everything I read also told me that he was a gifted musician, singer and dancer. People have said he had a quick and kind wit. He was uninhibited with his appreciation of other people’s talents. In one of the many pages I’ve read, his brother, Andrew, had this to say: “He loved basketball, but he had four passions: friends, family, work and basketball. He was an incredible source of love and support for me. Even in the midst of this horrible circumstance, I feel nothing but blessed for the older brother I have.”

What an incredible source of light and memory we have. Stephen Mulderry, I pray that you are resting in peace. Know that we remember you and what you did while you were with us on earth.

I’m going to be watching a lot of the TV specials tomorrow.  Even though I don’t think I would ever forget, I want to make sure it’s burned into my memory.

Until next time…

Having no money leaves my days wide open to read, clean, watch TV, listen to music, etc.  I’ve spent the day reading the 2nd book of the A Song of Ice and Fire series, A Clash of Kings.  I can’t wait for season two of this show on HBO in the spring.

I’ve washed every sheet and towel I own.  I washed every piece of clothing that was out in the open in my bedroom.   I’ve vacuumed, dusted and rearranged the bedroom furniture (majority of which was done last night before bed).

I’ve read a lot of GA and addiction literature, as well.  I found this one that I want to share with you.  There is no author listed, but I found it in GA.

I’m Your Disease

I hate meetings.

I hate a Higher Power.

I hate anyone who has a program.

To all who come in contact with me, I wish you suffering and I wish you death.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction.  CUNNING, BAFFLING and POWERFUL, that’s me.

I have killed millions and I am pleased with myself.

I love to catch you with the element of surprise.  I love pretending I am your friend and lover.  I have given you comfort, have I not?  Wasn’t I there when you were lonely?  When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me?  I was there.

I love to make you hurt.  I love to make you cry.  Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry.  When you can’t feel anything at all, this is true glory.

I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long term suffering.  I’ve been there for you always.  When things were going right in your life, you invited me.  You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the ONLY ONE who would agree with you.  Together, we were able to DESTROY ALL THINGS GOOD in your life.

People don’t take me seriously.  They take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously.  Fools that they are, they don’t know that without my help, many of these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited.

YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE ME.  So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a Twelve Step Program.  Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power, all weaken me and I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lie here quietly.  You don’t see me, but I am growing bigger than ever.  When you only exist, I may live.  When you live, I only exist.  But I am here…and until we meet again, if we meet again, I WISH YOU SUFFERING AND DEATH.

How powerful that is.  My disease sits inside of me, waiting for me to have a weak moment.  Waiting for me to feel sorry for myself.  It sits and watches every move I make, every thought I have.  It looks for that loop hole that will cause me to go back into my addictive behavior.  I stopped drinking on July 16th, 2011.  I stopped gambling July 30, 2001.  I have the disease of addiction.  Not only am I an addict, but I am the adult child of an alcoholic – an active one.  I have no room for error when it comes to my recovery.

I need to stay diligent and aware of my own behavior and actions.  I cannot become complacent with my recovery again.  Ever.

It’s only through the Grace of God I am here today.  It is only through the gifts I’m given that I live and survive.  I have problems, I have a lot of problems.  Some of my problems are of my own doing and consequences of actions I’ve taken before.  Some of them are not within my control and I had to adjust and adapt to those problems.  I may have a shit ton of problems that I have no idea how I’m going to fix, but I don’t have to gamble OR drink because of those problems.

Until next time…

I went to my physical therapy yesterday and was told by my therapist that my shoulder is healing amazingly well and things are progressing the way they should.  I’m now down to every other week appointments with her and we will soon go to every 3 weeks.  She said my last appointment with her (unless I need her after that) will be the first or second week of October.  It normally takes six months for this type of injury to heal and it’s moving along wonderfully.  Even though I had not gone into PT for the first two months of my injury, it was still healing itself without the extra push from PT exercises, massages and manipulation she gives it.

On another note, I read something from a friend on FB that got me to thinking of when I started working out and first injured my shoulder.   Even still today, I get this reaction.  My workouts kick my ass, literally, on some days.  Crossfit is no joke and even without being able to lift or use my shoulder all that well, my Trainer still gives me shit that kicks my butt.

The first few months of my workouts, some of my coworkers (specifically two of them) kept telling me I was working out like a man or “he’s giving you men’s workouts, that’s crazy!”  I heard that over and over again.  When I hurt my shoulder in April, they immediately blamed Crossfit and my workouts.  Imagine their surprise when they found out my injury was not workout related per my ortho surgeon and his evaluation, along with the therapist’s evaluation.  They actually told me that my doctor and my physical therapy didn’t know what they were talking about.  I guess if all I did was sit on my ass and drink bourbon, I would think ANY kind of workout was too much.

My workouts have helped me lose weight (26 pounds as of today), lose 2 dress sizes, and feel the best I have ever felt physically in my life (even with my shoulder being jacked up I feel better today than I did 10 years ago!)

My Trainer said it best when I told him what they said about my shoulder…”Even if it WAS workout related, at least you’re up and doing stuff.  I’d rather get hurt doing something than sit on my ass and do nothing forever.”   Truer words have never been spoken.  He advised me to ignore them and keep doing what I’m doing.  So that’s what I do.  Everyday at 4pm (unless I have PT), I change into my workout clothes and go downstairs to see if he’s going to go easy on me or kick my ass.  Most days?  He kicks my ass.  I keep a journal of all my workouts and I have started setting fitness goals.  I’m really looking forward to my shoulder being 100% so I can get back to doing “real” Crossfit and not just cardio and lower body workouts.

Keep doing what you’re doing.  This was my advice to my friend.  No one has the right to take away something we feel passionately about.  No one.  No one has the right to belittle or fuss at me for not doing things the way THEY would do them.  My end result is going to be fantastic fitness and health, self esteem and the loss of 15 more pounds and a dress size.  How I get there is of no concern to anyone else.

Until next time….

Last month, when I was here, my aunt asked what I was doing for my 10 yr birthday in GA.  I hadn’t given it much thought, because the program is so different in Louisville, it didn’t even occur to me that they would throw me a party of any kind.  She immediately said she would bring me back to Las Vegas to celebrate.  So we started planning the mini vacation around my birthday and went from there.  It was beautiful and moving and humbling.  There are no GA meetings like the ones here in Vegas.  Oh, I’ll keep going to my once or twice a week on the weekends like I’ve been doing the last few months and when I visit Vegas, I will hit meetings everyday – just like I have since I’ve been here.   Yesterday, I went to two meetings.  I find myself feeling more centered and serene then when I got here and that’s a good thing.  I can carry that with me and keep the tools of the program closer at hand.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve had tons of people I’ve known for years wanting to see me and spend time with me.  I haven’t gotten to half of them.  I leave today.  I’ll be checking out of the hotel in about an hour (quite early from the check out time of noon) because I have an appointment for a manicure at 10am.  After that, I’ll hang out with my aunt for a few hours and then be at the airport by 4pm for my 6pm flight.  Knowing this airport the way I do, I’ll be able to fiddle around a bit and then stand in the security line for about half an hour to an hour.  Unless for some reason, I’ve chosen a great time to leave and there are very few people leaving at the same time.

I’ve had a great few days.  I’ve spent tons of time with my aunt, which is good for both of us I think.  I’ve seen my best friends TB and KP (not enough for my liking, but I got to spend a few hours with each), I’ve hung out with a few of the girls I used to hang out with in GA and that was awesome.  This place is so calming for me when I’m constantly doing GA stuff.  The compulsive gambling addiction is accepted so much easier here than in Kentucky.  Where I live, it’s almost a shameful thing to be a compulsive gambler.  The differences are tremendous and I need to find a way to stop comparing them, so it’s something I’ll be working on.  The Saturday morning meetings back in the Ville are great and I’ll keep going to that one for sure, as well as the Sunday afternoon one.

I haven’t had much time to relax and get some “me” time while I’ve been here.  I found myself retreating and wanting to isolate and ignore everyone so I could relax and just “be” for a bit.  I didn’t, but I sure wanted too!  I did, however, have a few hours yesterday of “me” time and spent time napping in my hotel and going to the pool here.  It was nice, and it helped get me out of that isolation feeling.  By allowing myself that alone time, I made sure to avoid isolationism and trying to avoid people.

I got some great pictures of the new bridge that crosses the Colorado River out by the dam.  Holy crap that thing is huge!  We were going to walk out onto it, but it was too hot (about 105) so we decided not to do that.

I’m looking forward to going home, being in my own bed and picking Josie up tomorrow afternoon.  It will be nice to get back to my routine and I’m even looking forward to my workout Thursday.  I’m sure The Trainer will kick my ass since I haven’t worked out for a week since I’ve been here, but I think it’ll be worth it.

Until next time…

I don’t know everything and I hope to never know everything.  If I did, it would be one boring world I’m living in, ya know?  I hope to always be open to change, evolution of self and finding new and exciting subjects to read/learn about.

• I am a recovering compulsive gambler and will be forever.
• I have many defects of character that I work on daily.  Some days are better than others.
• I make mistakes all the time.  I just own them and move forward most of the time.
• I am my own worst enemy.  You don’t need to point out my defects.  I do that well enough on my own and beat myself up for it.
• I am a DUI offender and spent 22 hours in jail.  I have yet to forgive myself for that.
• I don’t enjoy drinking alcohol anymore.  I had a glass of sangria last night and that was it.  It actually gave me a headache.
• I look for and reach out for help all the time.  Accepting that help is always hardest for me when I ask for it.  I don’t know why that is.
• I’ve never been anything but honest with myself and others about my addiction.  I work on remaining that way everyday.  My addiction would have me hiding and lying all the time.
• I’ve made some poor decisions in my life, it doesn’t make me a bad person.
• As I approach my 10 years without a bet, when thinking back on the last decade as if it was just yesterday and it makes me feel squirrel-y.
• I’m grateful I get to celebrate those 10 years (through the Grace of God) in the room I started GA in.
• I learned more about myself in the four days I spent with my dad and his family than I ever did in that decade without a bet.
• I’m learning to forgive myself so that I may forgive others.  Not so easy most days.

This is a bit of what I know about me.  I learn something new all the time.

Until next time…

What a crazy few weeks it’s been!  Work has been incredibly stressful with all the changes going on and people freaking out over them.  Not much work is getting done on that end of things.  I try to keep my head under the radar, do my job, get my workout in and then go home.  Some days it’s easier to do that than others.  Some days, like today, I find myself being set up for failure and it makes me cranky.  Thankfully, my chain of command has pretty much imploded and I go straight to their boss with stuff.  He understands my frustration and lets me vent when they do and say stuff out of line.

My PT is going well and my shoulder is healing up nicely.  It’s still winging, just not as bad as before, and I’m still having trouble with the neck/shoulder area getting tight/tense and locking up everything else.  My therapist massages that area and works on the range of motion for the ball and socket area of my shoulder.  She’s also started me lifting some light weights (YAY!) and I’m only going to see her once a week now.

I was watching OZ on HBOGO last week and during one of the episodes, Augustus Hill (the character who narrates most of the show) says “Life is an adventure in forgiveness.”  I found myself really thinking about those words and trying to figure out how I felt about them.  Sometimes, someone will say or do something that will get me into a reflective mood and I’ll analyze and journal and prayer until I figure it out.   Most of the time, when I do that, I realize I haven’t truly forgiven myself for something and then that will set off another session of reflection and writing in my journal.  Progress, not perfection, right?  I will keep working on my defects of character (I have many) and just keeping putting one foot in front of the other.

Until next time…

Had I ever doubted the dysfunction of my family (specifically, my dad’s side of the family), I am no longer in doubt.  At all.  There will never be a moment in my life when I wonder “what helped mold me and make me from dad’s side of the family.”  I found this out the hard way this past week.  I was in Las Vegas from Saturday night until late last night.  I finally got home at 12:30 this afternoon, after the longest travel night ever.  EVER.  I’m not going to go into all that crappy shit cause it will take up this whole post.

I learned so very much about my dad and the rest of my family.  I saw aunts, uncles and cousins I have not seen in years and years and some I had never even met.  I spent time with my aunt who lives on Crete in Greece.  She told me all about the beach right outside her doorway and the fact she can see across the bay to the other side of the island.  o.O  I would like to start a fund for my trip to Greece now.   I would love to visit her!

I saw one cousin I had not seen in years.  She and I were pretty close in age and even went to high school together, with her a few years behind me.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to rage at her and fuss at her for what she’s done to herself.  Instead, I hid in the bathroom and texted my brother, who could not be there.  I was near tears!

I hid in the bathroom a lot during the viewing.  As I told The Trainer in one conversation, “it’s the only quiet space available.”   It was three hours of meeting and greeting family and friends of my Aunt Jane.  It was heartwarming to see so many people from GA there, supporting my aunt and I.  It was beautiful.

I think I really struggled with the fact that I was not alone for more than 20-30 minutes at a time the entire time I was there.  It was annoying.  I’m a social butterfly for the most part, but sometimes, I love my quiet time and my down time.  I didn’t get much of that.

My Aunt Jane’s body has been laid to rest and we were all given a form of closure.  Funerals are always for the surviving family and loved ones, never for the one who passed.  It was a beautiful service and I am sure it made her proud how her one remaining brother and her three sisters held themselves and each other up.  She is now resting comfortably with her husband, her mother, her two brothers and her daughter who all preceded her in death.

It was a whirlwind, emotionally charged and exhausting trip.  I’m almost looking forward to going to work tomorrow.  Almost.  I think I’m looking forward to the workout The Trainer has already sent to me more than the actual work thing.  Even though the freaking workout will most likely kick my ass since it’s been 7 days since my last workout.  Here’s hoping I don’t fall out with an asthma attack!

Until next time…