However, today, I’m remembering his smile, his laugh, his voice, the silliness we shared together.  He was, without a doubt, my platonic soul mate.  Gone too soon and never, ever forgotten.

Happy birthday, Todd.  I miss you.

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Life throws in curve balls every now and then for me.  I’ll be cruising along, getting things in order, doing well and then BAM!  Something happens and my life gets topsy turvy for a day or two and then it settles down and gets better.

Here is a bullet list of updates about me:

• My love life is improving.  I don’t talk about it online – at all.  So that’s all you get.  I will just say this, WOW!
• You’ll also be pleased to know this is the first situation where I did not follow my old patterns.  Which pleases me greatly.
• My car broke down this past Monday and effectively ended any and all plans I had for the St. Patrick’s Day festivities today.
• Work is going pretty well.  I think I’ve adjusted (finally) to just being a worker bee and not management.  It only took almost four years.
• My new business has been slow, but it’s improving with two things coming up at the end of this month that will definitely improve things.
• Learning how to market this has been my biggest obstacle.  Each time I branch out of my comfort zone, I find it’s a little easier than I let myself believe at the beginning.
• I learned how to use Skype for the first time this past week.  Yeah.  I’m way late to that game and I’m okay with that.
• I’m still working out almost everyday.  I did, however, move it down to 4 days a week instead of 5.  I have decided to start skipping most Fridays, along with my weekends to recover.
• I do this because I realized my knees are not enjoying working out all 5 days of the work week and if I don’t slow down, I’ll burn out and hurt myself.
• My car will be paid off in June.
• Just in time to take that money and throw it at my student loans.  I had to ask for a forbearance on those until July, so that I know I’d have the money for them once the car was paid off.
• The weather has jacked up my allergies, asthma and sinuses.  Makes me cranky and miserable most days when it comes to those.
• I finally read The Hunger Games trilogy of books.
• I now can hardly wait to see the movie.

I hope you’re all doing well, that life is treating you kindly.  Life is short, enjoy it, be kind to each other and especially be kind to yourself.

Until next time….

I made a decision awhile back that no matter what is happening in a situation, I will not base my decision on what I feel or on what I think. I will only make my decision on facts.  Things that I know. While I’ve had a few set backs here and there (especially in the romance department), I’ve stayed pretty true to my decision.

I recently looked into a business opportunity and I’ve taken the leap into this business.  I haven’t made any money at it yet, but I’ve had a great time studying the products and watching training videos.  It’s a product I’ve used for years and have enjoyed the in home parties with a lot of friends.  I recently received my business cards and a few other items to start marketing my business so I can start making money off of it.  Crossing my fingers!

Work has been going really well, we’ve got a new person over our area and he is awesome to work with.  He’s fair, detailed and likes to keep us in the loop of what is going on around the department.  He is also one of the funniest people I work with, so that’s a bonus.

I’ve lost a total of 28 pounds and I’m officially down into a size 10 (started at size 14).  I’ve hit one weight goal and hit my final goal that I had set for clothing size.  The Trainer says he can get me into a size 8 again by summer.  Crossing my fingers on that too!

There are a handful of firefighters I work with that I avoid at all costs.  These are the ones who creep me out for one reason or another.  A few of them, it’s due to the way they look at me all the time.  Recently, someone who had not been on my radar at all was detailed to our house due to a vacation of another person.  I never paid him any attention until Monday when I was working out.  I thought I was going to have the gym to myself, but I was wrong.  He moved one of the stationary bikes in front of the mirror and rode the bike the entire time I was working out.  He would intermittently puff up his chest like a peacock tail and he did not stop watching me.  His eyes moved as I moved.  He licked his lips a few times too.  I freaking lost my mind.  Since I had never even said boo to him, I finished up the workout faster then ever and then told The Trainer to never make me work out with Barney Rubble alone again.  Yeah, I called him Barney Rubble.  That’s what he looks like.  Needless to say, Barney made his way to this list quickly and within 10 minutes of my workout that day.  Yesterday, I worked out on the apparatus bay floor with the firefighters instead of down in the gym.

I skipped my workout today because of the crazy, severe weather we had.  It made me anxious and I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on working out.   I am now regretting that decision 4 hours later.  Oh well.  I might go down to the firehouse to use the gym this weekend.  We’ll see how I’m feeling.

And now to enjoy my weekend.

I hope anyone in the path of those storms came out safely on the other end of it.

Until next time…

Drinking, drugging, gambling, shopping, over-eating, sexing.  Addictions.  Several of these addictions have no physical manifestation to show the world.  It doesn’t make the addict less of an addict.  It doesn’t make the person less of a person because their addiction is not to a chemical dependency.  My addiction can kill me just like an alcoholics’ addiction can.  It may take longer, but it can.

I went to an annual conference this weekend in Lexington, KY.  It was all about the steps.  Every workshop was step work related and how it makes us feel or think.  While I was there, I ran into an old friend from Vegas and thought I had died and gone to heaven.  It was absolutely the BEST gift I could have been given this weekend.

This friend and I were having a conversation about the “face” of compulsive gambling.  We don’t really have one.  There are a few of us who are out and open about our addictions and recovery.  There are a few of us who can say that our entire network of family, friends and co-workers know that we are recovering.  While I don’t go out of my way to talk about my recovery, I do not shy away from it either and if it somehow comes around to it and I feel comfortable with the people/person, I will discuss it.

Compulsive/problem/pathological gambling is out there and the more attention brought to this addiction, the better.  If by me talking about my addiction and recovery to one person helps them realize they or someone they know, needs help?  I’ve done my duty for the day.  Sharing the experience, strength and hope is just one of many things I love about my recovery.  I put hope in italics because that’s the key word in this sentence.  There is hope.  People do not have to fight this addiction alone, but without the hope of getting better and quitting gambling, people will not reach out.

As I went through the weekend at the conference, I realized there are not enough people who even consider compulsive gambling as a real addiction.  There are still shameful and guilt-ridden thoughts and actions associated with it.  I’m not ashamed.  I’m not guilt-ridden anymore.  I am a recovery compulsive gambler and I’m proud of that.

When I moved from Vegas to Kentucky, I was in awe (read: shocked) that compulsive gambling was still treated like such a horrific, shameful thing.  It’s very common to know many compulsive gamblers and not even know it.  It could be your co-worker, it could be your boss.  It could even be you.  Just know that there is hope.  Hope for a better way of life, hope for healing, hope for happiness.

If there was one thing I could say about this weekend, I would repeat what I told a friend earlier when he said it sounded like I had a great weekend….”It was fantastic.  I loved it. I love everything about my recovery and those conferences remind me how far I’ve come and how much better I am today.”

Until next time…

I went to a GA meeting recently and I had a bit of an epiphany while I was sharing about some crazy shit in my head.  This epiphany has led me down a road of self discovery, yet again.  Since I’m not stranger to change, I’m not afraid of making changes.  I’m also not afraid to look in my mirror and see what needs improving.  I’m not saying I do it perfectly or even as often as I should or could, but I do take my own inventory everyday.

During this epiphany, I started to cry and almost started to beat myself up for not noticing sooner the pattern.  I mean, I’ve always seen a pattern in a certain area of my life (shit, in MANY areas of my life), yet for some reason this time, something clicked.  Something clicked so loudly in my head I realized how grateful I am for the fact I had this epiphany.  The changes I’m working on making are all inside of me.  While normally I would think they will be difficult, I’ve actually already started making these changes.  Before I even realized why I was making those changes.

I went to lunch with a friend at work today and we were discussing some of this epiphany and some of the changes I had already been making before having it.  We discussed things and she brought a new perspective for me.  I’m glad I have people like her in my life.  There are very few people I feel 100% comfortable talking about this stuff with and she is definitely one of them.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly healed from past relationships, past things I’ve done to myself, things done to me, etc. etc.  And then I stop that line of thinking and decide that I can choose healing.  I can choose to actually leave that part of my past where it belongs.  In the past, history, a part of who I am but not who I am today.  I’ve been a work in progress for 42 years.   Everything I’ve ever done or have been through was a part of the journey to become who I am and who I am becoming.

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” I’ve been changed by things that have happened to me.  I’ve even been reduced by them in the past.  Today, not so much.  I refuse to be reduced by anything or anyone.  I know my worth.  I know what I deserve.  And for me, that’s all that matters.

Until next time…

I know I’m not the only one who will be happy to have 2011 in the rear view mirror and not have to look back on it.  It’s been a rough year for a lot of people, myself included and I’ll just be glad when that ball drops tonight at midnight.

Until next year….

Today, I finally put the fear aside and went out there with a broom to clean off all the cobwebs and what not.  I opened the door to the storage unit and this is what I found:

Doesn’t look too bad at this point.  I figured whatever was in the cardboard boxes would be lost and everything else would be okay.   During this photo, I had already removed the ladder I had and the Christmas tree box, and both of them were a total loss.

As I was trying to bring everything out of the storage unit so I could see exactly what the loss was going to be, I realized the side panel on the right side was falling off:

I also found a hole in the bottom left corner of the storage unit:

I was becoming really discouraged with what I was finding.  I knew there were some old books that I collected over the years.  Laurel K. Hamilton, Jude Devereaux, etc.  My entire Jason Bourne book collection was destroyed.

I finally got to the plastic containers and they were frozen together with some of them being damaged and water seeping through them.

I’ve emailed all the pictures to the manager asking her to fix to the storage unit.  I’ve gone through all of those containers and I went from 5 to 2.

As I was going through this stuff, and getting really upset, I tried to focus on the positive.  This enabled me to take the time to go through all this stuff and get rid of things I don’t need anymore.  Although it was heartbreaking because some of the stuff had definite emotion to them, I knew it had to be done.  I also found paperwork from the early 90’s and forward.  Really didn’t need to keep that stuff.  I did it quickly and thoroughly and I’ve taken all the trash out.  I won’t be putting anything back in that storage unit again, even if they fix it.  I’ll just store them in here with the rest of my stuff and call it a day.

I, of course, will turn this around to be my fault ya know.  I left those cardboard boxes in there.  I knew that storage unit wasn’t the best.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I should have put all those books in a plastic container.  I may still have them.  I guess I had figured since they were on TOP of the plastic containers, they’d be okay from water damage from the bottom of the unit.  Never did I imagine the water damage would come from above the boxes.

Until next time…

One year of Crossfit type workouts and I am creeping into a size 10 (my goal is size 8).  I started at size 14.  One year of these workouts and I lost 26 pounds and then gained 7 back and then lost another 2, so I’m sitting at a total of 21 pounds lost.  I have yet to really change my eating habits along with this workout regiment.  However, for this next year or workouts, I’m going to work on my eating habits and try to eat healthier so I can see even more results than I already have.

I’ve felt better about myself, other people and life in general in the last year than I have in quite sometime.  I’m pleased with the results I’ve seen, I like how I feel.  I like how I look.  I’ve also formed a different kind of bond with some of my coworkers who workout with me everyday.  Same group of people, everyday.  We encourage each other to keep going when we know all we want to do is lay down on the blue mat and die.  We congratulate each other on finishing a difficult workout.

I’m blessed to work with such awesome people and have the opportunities I do with having a gym in the basement and the abilities to use that gym.

Also, I’ve decided to keep the blog.  Too many memories around this place and I’m just not ready to let it go.

Until next time…