Drinking, drugging, gambling, shopping, over-eating, sexing.  Addictions.  Several of these addictions have no physical manifestation to show the world.  It doesn’t make the addict less of an addict.  It doesn’t make the person less of a person because their addiction is not to a chemical dependency.  My addiction can kill me just like an alcoholics’ addiction can.  It may take longer, but it can.

I went to an annual conference this weekend in Lexington, KY.  It was all about the steps.  Every workshop was step work related and how it makes us feel or think.  While I was there, I ran into an old friend from Vegas and thought I had died and gone to heaven.  It was absolutely the BEST gift I could have been given this weekend.

This friend and I were having a conversation about the “face” of compulsive gambling.  We don’t really have one.  There are a few of us who are out and open about our addictions and recovery.  There are a few of us who can say that our entire network of family, friends and co-workers know that we are recovering.  While I don’t go out of my way to talk about my recovery, I do not shy away from it either and if it somehow comes around to it and I feel comfortable with the people/person, I will discuss it.

Compulsive/problem/pathological gambling is out there and the more attention brought to this addiction, the better.  If by me talking about my addiction and recovery to one person helps them realize they or someone they know, needs help?  I’ve done my duty for the day.  Sharing the experience, strength and hope is just one of many things I love about my recovery.  I put hope in italics because that’s the key word in this sentence.  There is hope.  People do not have to fight this addiction alone, but without the hope of getting better and quitting gambling, people will not reach out.

As I went through the weekend at the conference, I realized there are not enough people who even consider compulsive gambling as a real addiction.  There are still shameful and guilt-ridden thoughts and actions associated with it.  I’m not ashamed.  I’m not guilt-ridden anymore.  I am a recovery compulsive gambler and I’m proud of that.

When I moved from Vegas to Kentucky, I was in awe (read: shocked) that compulsive gambling was still treated like such a horrific, shameful thing.  It’s very common to know many compulsive gamblers and not even know it.  It could be your co-worker, it could be your boss.  It could even be you.  Just know that there is hope.  Hope for a better way of life, hope for healing, hope for happiness.

If there was one thing I could say about this weekend, I would repeat what I told a friend earlier when he said it sounded like I had a great weekend….”It was fantastic.  I loved it. I love everything about my recovery and those conferences remind me how far I’ve come and how much better I am today.”

Until next time…

I went to a GA meeting recently and I had a bit of an epiphany while I was sharing about some crazy shit in my head.  This epiphany has led me down a road of self discovery, yet again.  Since I’m not stranger to change, I’m not afraid of making changes.  I’m also not afraid to look in my mirror and see what needs improving.  I’m not saying I do it perfectly or even as often as I should or could, but I do take my own inventory everyday.

During this epiphany, I started to cry and almost started to beat myself up for not noticing sooner the pattern.  I mean, I’ve always seen a pattern in a certain area of my life (shit, in MANY areas of my life), yet for some reason this time, something clicked.  Something clicked so loudly in my head I realized how grateful I am for the fact I had this epiphany.  The changes I’m working on making are all inside of me.  While normally I would think they will be difficult, I’ve actually already started making these changes.  Before I even realized why I was making those changes.

I went to lunch with a friend at work today and we were discussing some of this epiphany and some of the changes I had already been making before having it.  We discussed things and she brought a new perspective for me.  I’m glad I have people like her in my life.  There are very few people I feel 100% comfortable talking about this stuff with and she is definitely one of them.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly healed from past relationships, past things I’ve done to myself, things done to me, etc. etc.  And then I stop that line of thinking and decide that I can choose healing.  I can choose to actually leave that part of my past where it belongs.  In the past, history, a part of who I am but not who I am today.  I’ve been a work in progress for 42 years.   Everything I’ve ever done or have been through was a part of the journey to become who I am and who I am becoming.

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” I’ve been changed by things that have happened to me.  I’ve even been reduced by them in the past.  Today, not so much.  I refuse to be reduced by anything or anyone.  I know my worth.  I know what I deserve.  And for me, that’s all that matters.

Until next time…

I know I’m not the only one who will be happy to have 2011 in the rear view mirror and not have to look back on it.  It’s been a rough year for a lot of people, myself included and I’ll just be glad when that ball drops tonight at midnight.

Until next year….

Today, I finally put the fear aside and went out there with a broom to clean off all the cobwebs and what not.  I opened the door to the storage unit and this is what I found:

Doesn’t look too bad at this point.  I figured whatever was in the cardboard boxes would be lost and everything else would be okay.   During this photo, I had already removed the ladder I had and the Christmas tree box, and both of them were a total loss.

As I was trying to bring everything out of the storage unit so I could see exactly what the loss was going to be, I realized the side panel on the right side was falling off:

I also found a hole in the bottom left corner of the storage unit:

I was becoming really discouraged with what I was finding.  I knew there were some old books that I collected over the years.  Laurel K. Hamilton, Jude Devereaux, etc.  My entire Jason Bourne book collection was destroyed.

I finally got to the plastic containers and they were frozen together with some of them being damaged and water seeping through them.

I’ve emailed all the pictures to the manager asking her to fix to the storage unit.  I’ve gone through all of those containers and I went from 5 to 2.

As I was going through this stuff, and getting really upset, I tried to focus on the positive.  This enabled me to take the time to go through all this stuff and get rid of things I don’t need anymore.  Although it was heartbreaking because some of the stuff had definite emotion to them, I knew it had to be done.  I also found paperwork from the early 90’s and forward.  Really didn’t need to keep that stuff.  I did it quickly and thoroughly and I’ve taken all the trash out.  I won’t be putting anything back in that storage unit again, even if they fix it.  I’ll just store them in here with the rest of my stuff and call it a day.

I, of course, will turn this around to be my fault ya know.  I left those cardboard boxes in there.  I knew that storage unit wasn’t the best.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I should have put all those books in a plastic container.  I may still have them.  I guess I had figured since they were on TOP of the plastic containers, they’d be okay from water damage from the bottom of the unit.  Never did I imagine the water damage would come from above the boxes.

Until next time…

One year of Crossfit type workouts and I am creeping into a size 10 (my goal is size 8).  I started at size 14.  One year of these workouts and I lost 26 pounds and then gained 7 back and then lost another 2, so I’m sitting at a total of 21 pounds lost.  I have yet to really change my eating habits along with this workout regiment.  However, for this next year or workouts, I’m going to work on my eating habits and try to eat healthier so I can see even more results than I already have.

I’ve felt better about myself, other people and life in general in the last year than I have in quite sometime.  I’m pleased with the results I’ve seen, I like how I feel.  I like how I look.  I’ve also formed a different kind of bond with some of my coworkers who workout with me everyday.  Same group of people, everyday.  We encourage each other to keep going when we know all we want to do is lay down on the blue mat and die.  We congratulate each other on finishing a difficult workout.

I’m blessed to work with such awesome people and have the opportunities I do with having a gym in the basement and the abilities to use that gym.

Also, I’ve decided to keep the blog.  Too many memories around this place and I’m just not ready to let it go.

Until next time…

I’m thinking of moving my fitness blog information over here and just switching it up.  However, not many people know about the fitness blog and I kinda like that.  I don’t think I want it mixed with all my personal stuff here.  We’ll see how I feel about it later.  I’m coming up on my one year anniversary (December 7th) of working out almost every day during the work week.  Today was day 207 of work outs.  What a difference it has made in my life.  I’m still smoking, unfortunately, but someone at work called me the “fittest smoker” they know.  HA!  I didn’t know whether to thank them or punch them in the throat.  I couldn’t decide, so I just smiled and walked away.

I’ve evolved so many times and I’ve shared all of those feelings and emotions here.  I evolve every day and sometimes I don’t like what I see.  I make changes here and there, I make goals and strive to meet that goal within a time period that I know I can accomplish said goal.  I’ve spent the last 9 months working on financial goals and I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a lot of those goals.  One day at a time, right?

For now, I am going to keep this place.  I realized, as I typed this out, I am too emotionally invested in this blog to let it go anytime soon.  Although, it seems to collect dust more than anything since I don’t use it very often.

Until next time…

I took some time yesterday, after I renewed my driver’s license, to cruise through some of those memories here on this blog, reading about the road trip and the first few weeks here in the Ville.  I’ve come a long way.  I’ve struggled, I’ve fallen down, I’ve stood back up and kept walking.  I’ve brushed myself off so many times, it’s amazing I’m still here.  Four years later and I’m reflecting about how far I’ve come.

Sitting here today, I don’t realize how very much has happened to me when I first moved here, and over the course of the years since I’ve been here.  However, after reading those blog posts yesterday, it’s amazing to me I’ve stuck it out.  I was pretty miserable for awhile.  So much crap was thrown in my way, I almost gave in and ran home.  I didn’t though.  I am here, in this town, for a reason.  I realized that when I found out Rex was buried here after I got here.  Not every day you move into the town (without realizing it) where one of the loves of your life is buried.  Not coincidence.

I vividly remember when the movers finally showed up to deliver my stuff.  I vividly remember that because I’m still bitter about the couch.  I’m sure I’ll get over it someday, but until then, I’m bitter about that moving company.  I read about how worried I was about finding a job.  I vaguely remember worrying about that at the time.  I read about how the stairs in that first apartment kicked my butt.  I vaguely remember that.

Reading the posts reminded me of Ms. Gold Tooth and the crazy she brought to the building.  I was reminded of the creepy neighbor guy who lived there before her.  I was reminded of how Chloe and Josie would drive me crazy barking over nothing as they too adjusted to our new surroundings.   I was reminded that almost immediately upon moving here, my allergies exploded and it’s been a four year battle with those.

As I sit here relaxing before leaving for my GA meeting, I think back on those four days of the road trip and I smile.  It was an experience of a life time and I’m grateful I got to experience that.  I keep those memories locked up in a little memory box inside my head and heart.

Moving out of Las Vegas was one of the best tings I’ve ever done for myself.  I’ve grown more emotionally in the last four years than I ever thought possible.

Yes, I still struggle.  A lot.  But no one ever promised me life would be easy, just worth it.

Until next time…

Until next time…

I hope this finds you all doing well and enjoying your life and being happy.  Life is way too short to be anything but happy in my opinion.  We get shit thrown at us from all sides and it’s up to us how we deal with all that.  I slip and fall, but I get right back up and keep plodding forward.  It’s the only thing we can do, right?  I mean, the other option is not acceptable, so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe every now and then.  When I get super stressed or upset, I tend to forget to take a breath and I like to remind myself  to breathe.

Life is quite interesting right now, lots of things going on.  Some good, some bad, and some great.  My shoulder is healing up quite nicely and instead of having the shoulder blade sitting an inch and a half away from my spine in resting position, it is now a quarter of an inch away at resting position.  This is good!  I’m also able to do one arm bent rows with 5 pounds, so it’s a start to get me back to lifting like I want to lift.   I am still working out almost every day Monday through Friday.  I rarely miss a day.  And when I do it’s because of a doctor’s or physical therapy appointment.

Things at work are quite strange now.  One person left and the other is staying due to them creating a position and deleting another position for her.  I can deal with this one so I’m not super upset anymore.  When it first happened, I was upset and then I started looking for the positives and I have found them.  I’m good with this.

Financially, I’m still struggling.  But I’m trying and I’m improving at it.  I’m cutting back some more, not over spending and doing what I need to do to fix all the shit I’ve created.  It’s stressful and overwhelming some days, but I just keep breathing and keep moving forward.  I’ll get there.  I have faith that I will be okay and that my Higher Power will guide me in all of this.

I’m also done with school.  I now am a college graduate.  I won’t be traveling to walk in the ceremony in January but I know have an Associate’s in Applied Science degree in Public Administration.   I’m still debating on whether to go back for my Bachelors or just leave it at the AAS.  I don’t know how I feel about going back into school for another 2 years or however long.

I’m sitting here enjoying my hazelnut coffee and watching the VH-1 top 20 countdown.  I love music videos.  Then again, I just love music.  The guys at work, however, do not like the music I listen to when I’m working out.  They think it’s too angry and mean.  I listen to Godsmack, Disturbed, Eminem, Chevelle and Three Days Grace type music when I work out.  I want something fast and furious to motivate me to move fast to finish those brutal workouts he gives me.  Oh well, can’t please everyone can we?

Take care of you!

Until next time…

As I sit here wondering what to post for the 10th anniversary of the worst terrorist attacks against the United States in my life time, I realize I don’t really have many words to say to commemorate it.  But I do have a post from the 5 year anniversary that I did, in honor of one of the many victims who lost their lives.

I’ve been watching specials on MSNBC all night and all I can think of is how amazing it is that as I watch these shows, I feel the same gut wrenching heart break that I felt that morning as I was getting ready for work.  I was slowing getting ready for work, as I tend to wake up early and it was about 6am on the west coast.  I remember seeing it on the TV and running in to wake my mom up to have her watch the news with me.  It was horrifying.

10 years later, I still pray for peace and the grace of God to touch the lives of people directly affected by 9/11.  You’re in my thoughts and prayers.  This day is not about me.  It’s about the people who were lost and those directly affected by that loss.  I’ll never forget their sacrifice.

I wrote this post 5 years ago in a tribute that bloggers across the country (actually the world) took part in.  It was originally posted on 9/11/06.

This post is dedicated to the life of Stephen V. Mulderry who was on the 89th floor of the World Trade Center when it was hit by a plane. All of the information I’ve gained is from obituaries and online websites dedicated to the victims of September 11.

The impression I got from everything I read, was one of happiness, family, love and generosity. It seems he was generous with his time and love and he loved to help people. I can’t say that I knew him. But I can say I’ve known people like him and I wish I had known him. People who take up the whole room when they enter. Their energy and magnetism just light up the room. There’s no mistaking the charismatic look in his eye in the pictures I’ve seen of him.

To the Mulderry family, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I am also very humbled and grateful that I was able to write this memorial for your son, brother, friend and loved one. May you find joy and happiness as you continue to remember the wonderful person that Stephen was.

When I look at the picture of him, I envision a tall, lanky, happy man who is secure in himself and in the world he has immersed himself in. I see passion and strength. I see happiness and love. I feel a warmth spread from my heart, at the same time as feeling incredible sadness that the world lost someone like him.

Everything I’ve read on the internet has given me the impression that the man never rested. He was always doing something for someone. He was always working at something that he loved, like being a top equity trader and a vice president of the employee-owned investment banking and brokerage firm, Keefe, Bruyette and Woods. Even in high school and college, Stephen did for others. He worked as a counselor and mentor at Project Strive, in Albany, an after school and summer program for grammar school students.

Stephen Vincent William Mulderry was born on May 4, 1968 in Albany, NY. Stephen had seven siblings, Amy, Andrew, Daniel, Peter, Anne Connel, Alexandra Andreani, Bill and Dara. Stephen’s parents were Anne and Bill Mulderry. Stephen attended Bishop Maginn Diocesan High School. After graduation, he attended the University of Albany.

Stephen moved to New York City after graduating from college, to pursue his career. When he first moved to the City, he was delivering chocolate milk to bodegas and he was a bartender. It’s been said that he poured energy into everything he did. Whether it be work, family, or basketball. He loved playing basketball and played it throughout college, where he led the team as point guard for three seasons.

Stephen’s nickname on the basketball court (and probably other places) was Zipper. I’d say this was because of his speed and agility on the basketball court. While playing basketball in the city leagues, he was voted Most Valuable Player during the Lower East Side Hamilton Fish tournament.

Everything I read also told me that he was a gifted musician, singer and dancer. People have said he had a quick and kind wit. He was uninhibited with his appreciation of other people’s talents. In one of the many pages I’ve read, his brother, Andrew, had this to say: “He loved basketball, but he had four passions: friends, family, work and basketball. He was an incredible source of love and support for me. Even in the midst of this horrible circumstance, I feel nothing but blessed for the older brother I have.”

What an incredible source of light and memory we have. Stephen Mulderry, I pray that you are resting in peace. Know that we remember you and what you did while you were with us on earth.

I’m going to be watching a lot of the TV specials tomorrow.  Even though I don’t think I would ever forget, I want to make sure it’s burned into my memory.

Until next time…